The Origin Story of the Marriage of Bifford & Martha Stewart Dec 10, 2022 14:45:41 GMT -5
Post by Plethora the Perilous on Dec 10, 2022 14:45:41 GMT -5
FRIDAY DECEMBER 9, COLUMBUS, OHIO
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of a child bundled up for winter, standing on a busy city street. It’s not the young Bifford we have seen in previous promotional materials, but rather is obviously a child of the present. Cars pass him as he stands looking up at a monumental building. Men in suits and women in pant suits come and go from the building, but he stands, waiting.
Narrator: In our youth, we often will go to extremes to get what we want.. sometimes standing in the cold, waiting, not knowing whether or not we’ll get the opportunity we hope to..
A man in a blue suit and gray topcoat stops and looks at the child and leans down to talk to him. We cannot see the man in the suit’s face. They converse for a few moments, though we cannot hear them. The child shows the man a picture, but we can’t see it. The man leads the child into the building as the scene fades to darkness.
5 MINUTES LATER IN THE COURTROOM
In the courtroom, Judge Peeples is looking over some documents. The jury, all but one wearing glasses, sits patiently. At the prosecution table, Donna Chang is working with her team, quietly whispering. At the defense’s table.. well, less work was happening. Seated at the table were The Big Bifford (in a suit with a tie that is tied way too short), Earl the Popcorn Salesman, Kenny the Intern, and Cornelius Cook (Kenny’s lawyer).
Bifford (whispering): How much longer is this freaking trial going to take?
Cornelius (whispering): Until it’s finished.. the longer this thing goes, the more likely we are to win.
Earl (whispering): How does that make sense? The longer this thing goes the more times the jury hears about Kenny butchering humans and making fake chicken patties..
Kenny (whispering): How did the Rumble go?
Bifford (whispering): I won..
Kenny (under his breath): Wow a match with PIC at the next show..
Earl (with a laugh): And Zybala..
Kenny (whispering): Zybala? What?!
Bifford (whispering): He apparently offered to put his career on the line in exchange for a title match and the powers that be wanted him to stop wrestling so badly that they granted him it. The man can’t last to the end of the Rumble. He’s lost 17 freaking matches and is about to lose two more and be pitifully retired with 19 losses on that loser’s record.
Judge Peeples looks up from her documents. “Can you both please approach, Ms. Chang and Mr. Cook?” Cornelius Cook and Donna Chang approach the judge and begin whispering. Bifford leans back and looks at the jury.
Bifford: Why are they all wearing glasses?
Earl: Because you hired a psychotic lawyer.
Kenny: Do you have a match this week?
Bifford: Yeah, Zybala..
Kenny: Oh.. well, you don’t really need to prepare for that one.
Bifford and Earl laugh. “You know your career is bad when Kenny is making jokes about it,” Bifford says under his breath. Judge Peeples hears the laughter and strikes her gavel, quieting the room. Bifford looks at his watch and then stands up and whispers, “I’ve gotta go leave someone a message,” and with that the large man walks out of the courtroom, quietly closing the door behind him. Earl looks over at Kenny and whispers, “think he can win the title again?” Kenny nods. “When the guy puts his mind to something.. it’s pretty hard to stop him..”
Judge Peeples hits her gavel again to quiet the room. “We’ll continue. Ms. Chang, you may call your next witness.”
Chang: The people call Donald Weathersby, manager of Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken, Dallas.
The scene fades to darkness as a nervous man makes his way to the witness stand.
MAY 2000, PALM BEACH FLORIDA
A much younger looking version of The Big Bifford is wearing overalls and a cowboy hat and hanging out with Earl the Popcorn Salesman. They appear to be backstage at a low-rent independent wrestling show.
Bifford (not speaking in a Transatlantic accent): So this is your first night as my manager.. you nervous?
Earl (with a much thicker Jamaican accent than we are used to): No, man. Why would I be nervous? I’ve sold popcorn at these events for years, I know the schtick. You gotta get a new gimmick though..
Bifford (sounding offended): Excuse me? I get tremendous heat..
Earl: It’s cheap heat. It’s a cheap gimmick.
Bifford: I’m a farmer. I tell the fans that they’re inbred hicks..
Earl: If you’re a farmer, why are you wearing a cowboy hat? Shouldn’t it be like a straw hat?
Bifford: I don’t know. I don’t know any farmers.
Earl: You’ll never get to the top with that gimmick..
Bifford: Maybe I should try a Transatlantic accent..
Earl’s face contorts a bit. “A what now?” He asks in his thick Jamaican accent. Bifford’s voice suddenly changes into the more familiar Transatlantic accent we all know and love and he says, “something like this.” Earl nods, “that could help.. but you should lose the farmer schtick..”
The two men stand in silence for a few moments, Bifford obviously thinking deeply.
Bifford: Maybe I should be afraid of trees..
Earl gives him and odd look, but then shrugs. “It’s better than the farmer stuff.”
Bifford glares at Earl for a moment and then hisses, “WHAT’S IN THE POPCORN SEASONING!?”
Earl laughs and shakes his head, “you ain’t ever gonna find that out.. you pay me too much to make that popcorn.”
The two men glare at each other for a moment and then burst into laughter.
Bifford: If only I had a rich and famous wife who could try to figure out the popcorn seasoning for me..
Suddenly Buffy the Vampire Slayer was standing with them. She looks exactly the same in 2000 as she does in 2022 and in earlier flashbacks. She never ages and always appears exactly as she did in the movie. “That can be arranged,” she says casually. Bifford smirks and Earl looks concerned, whispering “is that lady even real?” as the scene fades to darkness.
DECEMBER 9 2022 — COLUMBUS OHIO
We see Bifford in the halls of the Ohio Court House on his cell phone. “-and I will end your career. Cheers and best wishes! Your friend, The Big Bifford.” He presses the end button and slides his cell phone into his pocket. In the distance he spots Kent, one of the men who is blackmailing him. He’s with the child from the beginning of this promotional video and he’s the man in the gray suit. Bifford walks up to him, looking uneasy.
Bifford: What do you want?
Kent: Well I was just coming to see if you’ve made a decision.. This trial will be over later this month or early next.. then we’re gonna need our money or you’re going to go to jail.
Bifford (hissing): You know written notes on prison toilet paper don’t necessarily make a slam dunk case.
Kent: You will go to jail.
Bifford: No, I won’t. I already decided I would pay y’all.
Kent: 15 million each, Bifford. Don’t try to play any games or negotiate. You’re not on a fixed income.
Bifford: We’ve been watching our spending..
Kent laughs aloud and then motions to the kid.
Kent: I found this kid outside.. he wants your autograph.
The kid holds up a picture of The Big Bifford. It’s been printed on glossy paper, but it’s an early picture of Bifford from 2001ish. Bifford looks at it a moment and then signs it. He hands it back to the kid. The kid looks up at Bifford and says, “thank you sir! Please don’t hurt Mike Zybala too bad. I like him.”
Bifford: I will just hurt him the right amount so that I can end his career and humiliate him in front of the world.
Bifford nods to Kent and he walks away. Heading down a hallway, Bifford walks into the men’s restroom. He walks up to the mirror and looks into it and speaks.
Bifford: Mike Zybala, your career has been a joke from day one.. Though you are “classic OCW, baby” to the core, you never won the World Title for a reason. The OCW Championship is meant for the true pinnacles of our sport.. it is intended for folks like Scott Syren, Lurrr, Bifford, and yes even PIC.. but not you, my friend. You should be content wrestling for the Craze title and the tag belts, though our World Champion can’t even manage to win those nowadays. Mike, when I pin you Monday, know that I take very little joy in it. But when I take your career in Canada, I will enjoy it. It’ll be another feather in my cap, just like when I ended Derek the Mobley’s career.
Clearing his throat, Bifford smirks into the mirror.
Bifford: I’m being blackmailed by three men. My dreams tell me that my exwife, Kenny’s murderous aunt, and the demon I summoned as a child are building an army that now is forging metallic weapons on an island. I have a lot on my mind.. Mike Zybala, beating you is just a small part of my life. It’ll be easy, because you’re not a worthy competitor. Sorry, pal. I have bigger fish to fry..
Bifford throws his fist back and then swings it forward, hissing “I’ll see you in hell, you stupid fish,” as he punches a metallic hand towel dispenser. It dents the face of it. The scene fades to darkness.
INSIDE THE COURT ROOM.
Cornelius Cook is walking in front of the jury, making a spectacle of himself, cross-examining the Dallas chicken sandwich restaurant manager. “Now, at what age did you develop your dislike for those who wear glasses?” “Objection!” “Sustained.” “When you were younger, did you have many friends who wore glasses?” “Objection!” “Overruled.” “Uhh..” Donna Chang puts her face in her hands as the witness shows weakness when being questioned about hating people who wear glasses. The questioning continues, but the camera focuses in on Earl and Kenny who begin whispering to one another.
Kenny (whispering): So what’re the promotional materials about this week?
Earl (whispering): We’re starting to tell the story of how Bifford and Martha Stewart got married. It has to do with my popcorn seasoning, money, fame, and demonic spells.
Meanwhile Cornelius Cook lays into the witness with tough questions. “How many of your friends wear glasses daily?” “Objection.” “Overruled.” “Uhh..” More face-palming from the prosecutor.
Kenny (whispering): Why didn’t he just have that demon lady torture you until you gave up the popcorn seasoning recipe?
Earl (whispering): Doesn’t make for good television..
Kenny (whispering): Speaking of good television.. have you been having the same dreams as me? Those islanders are building weapons now. Buffy is building an army.
Earl (whispering): Yeah.. but the thing is.. I think she’s still helping him. He won the Rumble with no issues.
As the two men wrapped up their whispering, Cornelius Cook returned to the defense table and sat down. “That’s all the questions we have, your honor,” he said as the scene faded to darkness.
OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE
Kent walked the kid with the autograph outside. Kent waved to the kid and walked away. He headed down an alley between two buildings and pulled out his cell phone. He sent a text to both Larry the Security Guard and The Bailiff with the text “Talked to The Big Guy. He’s gonna pay.” He clicked send and then two small arms came around his neck and began choking him from behind. The kid he helped get the autograph from Bifford was now choking him. Panic came over Kent’s eyes and then he fell to the ground. The kid’s eyes were filled with flames; the same flames viewers remember from Buffy’s eyes. She is still helping him.Biffo
A creepy version of Auld Lang Syne plays as we see the kid choke Kent to death.