Post by "Throw Back" Steve Black on Nov 28, 2022 9:43:51 GMT -5
This is dumb. Anyone with more than eight fingers and toes can see it. OCW had a Rumble in the Bronx where supposedly anyone can enter, but “Throw Back” Steve Black was nowhere to be found. Why, you ask? Great question. I have it on good authority that Steve was in the building, dressed, and ready to compete to win a shot at the top prize in professional wrestling. But management decided he wasn’t worthy of the shot. They “went another direction”. What a bunch of baloney and ham! Like, seriously? Steve Black. The only undefeated wrestler left in OCW. The guy who defeated The Nickleman, The Big Bifford, and Harmon Egan in consecutive weeks. So Steve complains, as he should, and he gets thrown a boner this Monday in a match against a really poor excuse for a stripper and an ancient sea creature.
Look, I’m all for women’s lib and all that. Hot chick wants to take her clothes off, earn a paycheck? Heck yeah, go for it. I mean… I’m still gonna need dinner later, but you go girl. But if I was that dude in the audience watching Sullivan’s performance last week, I’d be first in line at the box office demanding a refund. This chick has 1/100th of her dad’s charisma and never even showed us her tits. Like what the hell? If you’re gonna take your clothes off while talking, at least take them all off so we have something to distract us from your boring monologue. Am I right? Of course I am. I’m the best freaking narrator in this business and the second best thing to ever happen to Online Championship Wrestling. The first?
“I think I just found a caveman that’s been frozen for over 10 million years!”
Cold chills. Erection. Every time I hear the sweet, sexual voice of “Throw Back” Steve Black. Who cares if he’s supposed to be from the 80’s but he’s referencing a hit 1992 movie starring Pauley Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser. He’s in the backyard of a large house in Encino, California digging with a shovel. His trusty sidekick [the man who once again for legal reasons I have to remind you is NOT Rodney Dangerfield] Lonnie Smith is busy digging in another part of the yard.
“Are you serious? A caveman? In ice? Frozen in Encino, California for millions of years?”
“False alarm. It’s just a Cabbage Patch doll wrapped in cellophane.”
The two men stop digging and get out of their respective holes.
“Let’s get out of here.”
Steve throws his shovel in the hole and walks out of the yard and onto the street. Lonnie seems confused but does the same.
“Why were we digging in that yard?”
“I’m not sure. I read something last week that said if you dig for random things you can end up winning or coming close to winning big wrestling matches. I figured it couldn’t hurt.”
“That seems odd.”
“I’ll tell you what else is odd. The number three. As in, another three way wrestling match. What Victoria Strader’s personal life in the bedroom is like is none of my business, but that chick clearly has a thing for seeing two dudes on one chick.”
“I think she’s a lesbian.”
“Ok, so she’s an actor. Big deal. Everyone’s got a little bit of lesbian in them in professional wrestling. We’re performers after all.”
“No Steve, lesbian. Not thespian.”
“What did I say?”
“You said lesbian.”
“What did you say?”
“Lesbian.”
“So I was right. Hot sauce!”
Lonnie shakes his head. He realizes he just got owned by the smartest man in the history of the world. Steve’s IQ is greater than Einstein and Hawking combined. The two continue down the dimly lit Encino street at night. Lonnie changes the subject.
“What are we doing in Encino anyway?”
“Come on, Lonnie. If you’re gonna be my manager I need you to use your brain. I’ve been watching OCW while Strader has refused to book me in matches. And what I’ve seen is the guy I beat last time, Harmon Egan, running wild over the competition since he lost to me. I did beat him, you know? Trust me. You don’t have to go back and look at the archives.”
Archives? We still do that?
“Ok, I’m trying to stay with you. You’ve been watching Harmony. What’s the Encino connection?”
“After I triumphed over him in the most epic of fashions, Harmon went and hired a manager named Corey. This guy took Harmon under his wing and he’s been undefeated ever since, including at Rumble in the Bronx. His sex partner made Harmon a mermaid or something and now he’s like the best wrestler not named me.”
“So we’re here to…?”
“I need my own Corey.”
Steve stops in front of a large white house and turns to walk up to the porch. Lonnie follows in tow, still clearly two steps behind Steve in his wonderfully orchestrated plan. Speaking of two steps behind, how about that Def Leppard, huh? That song is SICK!
Our hero knocks on the door and waits a few seconds. The interior lights come on and the door opens. From our viewpoint, we start at the bare feet of a man with hairy legs. He’s wearing a “Golden Girls” bath robe that comes to the knees. As we continue upward we see a pair of thick black glasses adorning the gorgeous face of Corey… FELDMAN!!! Holy banana hammock! The greatest actor of our generation is standing right in front of Steve Black in a bathrobe! Geek out!
“Can I help you?”
Oh. My. Goodness. Donatello just spoke to Steve! Squeal noise!
“Hello Corey Feldman. My name is—”
“You’re ‘Throw Back’ Steve Black. I watch wrestling. What I don’t understand is why you’re walking down the street in the middle of the night.”
“I guess you could say I don’t have a License To Drive.”
Snicker.
“Ok, that’s not bad. Now seriously, why are you here?”
“It’s quite simple my man. Harmon Egan found a Corey and now he’s suddenly good. So I wanted my own Corey, and there’s no better Corey on the frickin’ planet than you.”
“Well I can’t argue with that logic. But look man, I don’t have mystical powers. I’m just a normal guy living a normal life who happens to have been blessed with the voice of an angel.”
“No Corey Feldman. That’s where you’re wrong. Yes, you have the voice of an angel… but you’re no mortal man. Come here, Stand by Me for a moment.”
Steve pulls Corey close and wraps his arm around him. What I wouldn’t give to be that arm. He points up toward the sky as he continues.
“Look at the sky, Corey. Picture this: It’s the 13th, perhaps a Friday. The Final Chapter before A New Beginning, and standing center stage for the world to see are Corey Feldman and Steve Black, the Fox and the Hound if you will… two Lost Boys right here in The Burbs daring to Dream a Little Dream. Can you see it Corey Feldman? The two of us? A couple of Meatballs 4 ready to have the competition be Blown Away with our National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon.”
Steve could have gone on for days, but Corey’s filmography gets a little messy after a bit and some of those references wouldn’t hit as hard. Steve’s persuasiveness seems to be working, as Corey’s eyes are wide and a huge grin comes across his face.
“You’re right, Steve. This opportunity is too big to pass up. You and me, a force greater than any the world has seen. We’re on the Edge of Honor about to embark on The Magic Voyage. I’ll do it, I’ll be your Corey!”
Yes! Corey Feldman and Steve Black! What a duo!
“That’s totally radical, man. He Lonnie!”
“Yeah, Steve?”
“You’re fired, dude.”
Woah! I didn’t see that coming. Neither did Lonnie. He stands shocked as Corey Feldman invites Steve Black into the house and shuts the door in Lonnie’s face. Look, it’s not that Steve didn’t like Lonnie. It’s just that those lawyers from the Rodney Dangerfield estate have been a bunch of dicks. We felt it better to move in another direction. Felman walks Steve into a large room and invites him to sit down on an antique Queen Ann couch. Corey pours two glasses of sparkling orange juice. He hands one to Steve before sitting down in the chair across from him.”
“Ok, if we’re doing this I’m going to have to be up to speed on what’s going on. You got a match this week?”
“It’s another one of those three way things.”
“Man I hate those. I mean… I had my fair share of them over the years, but as far as wrestling matches go, they’re the worst.”
“I know! I’ve been using this thing called the Internet lately, don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but apparently these three way matches became popular in the 90’s with the people who beat each other with sticks and chairs. I’ll never understand it.”
“It’s weird. So who are you up against? Bifford again? Maybe PIC or TLS? It’s gotta be someone super successful and talented. I mean look at you!”
“Thank you Corey Feldman for recognizing my talent. That’s why I know you’re the right Corey for me. But no, that Strader has booked me against Jack Sullivan and the debuting Leviathan character.”
“Jack Sullivan? I used to watch that guy. He’s pretty good. Kinda old though, right?”
“I looked him up. He was a decent wrestler in a decent era, but no… this is his daughter. This chick was washed up before she showed up. She’s living in her father’s footsteps trying to fulfill the dreams he never got to accomplish. She wants to wrestle people her dad never wrestled like it’s poetic or something. I know poetry… and this chick’s three lines short of a haiku if she thinks she can hang with ole ‘Throw Back’.”
“Man, every time I watch OCW I get chills when you call yourself that. It’s even better in person.”
“Thank you Corey Feldman.”
“And who’s the other clown, Leviathan?”
“I have no clue. This guy just joined the company last week. According to Wikipedia, that’s the Encyclopedia for the Internet so you know it’s gotta be true, he likes to inflict pain and wants to steal all the belts and sell them for cash.”
“That’s his goal?”
“Check out his roster page if you don’t believe me. What a loser, right? Like, half the belts aren’t even made of gold. And even if they were, if your entire goal in life is to go around looking for scrap metal to turn into cold, hard cash, then this business isn’t for you. This is professional wrestling gosh darn it, excuse my language. We’re here to beat people up and score hot babes. That Junker the Clunker would do a lot better at the scrap heap than tangling with ‘Throw Back’ Steve Black on national television. Nah, this week is easy Corey Feldman. Now that I have you, the best Corey, by my side… I know I can shoot straight to the top. Let Jack Sullivan search for the glory his father never got and Leviathan search for scrap metal to support his meth habit, the true treasure hunters are right here in this frickin’ room. We’re The Goonies!”
“And Goonies never say die!”
I’d sully your reputation but that’s already been done
When you came to OCW living off your dad’s run
Seeing all these old faces must really be a trip
You suck so bad as a wrestler that you’ve resorted to strip
I’d give you a dollar but it’s three quarters too much
You think you’re worth more but you’re so out of touch
Then there’s Leviathan, the monster of the sea
At 266 pounds, dude needs to lay off the cheese
His little geek face is looking all kinds of porous
Guy bleaches his hair cause he thinks he’s Zack Morris
But truth of it all, he couldn’t sniff Screech’s jock
This Monday, Jack and Levi will find out that STEVE BLACK ROCKS!!! BABY!!!!!
Gremlins.
Look, I’m all for women’s lib and all that. Hot chick wants to take her clothes off, earn a paycheck? Heck yeah, go for it. I mean… I’m still gonna need dinner later, but you go girl. But if I was that dude in the audience watching Sullivan’s performance last week, I’d be first in line at the box office demanding a refund. This chick has 1/100th of her dad’s charisma and never even showed us her tits. Like what the hell? If you’re gonna take your clothes off while talking, at least take them all off so we have something to distract us from your boring monologue. Am I right? Of course I am. I’m the best freaking narrator in this business and the second best thing to ever happen to Online Championship Wrestling. The first?
“I think I just found a caveman that’s been frozen for over 10 million years!”
Cold chills. Erection. Every time I hear the sweet, sexual voice of “Throw Back” Steve Black. Who cares if he’s supposed to be from the 80’s but he’s referencing a hit 1992 movie starring Pauley Shore, Sean Astin, and Brendan Fraser. He’s in the backyard of a large house in Encino, California digging with a shovel. His trusty sidekick [the man who once again for legal reasons I have to remind you is NOT Rodney Dangerfield] Lonnie Smith is busy digging in another part of the yard.
“Are you serious? A caveman? In ice? Frozen in Encino, California for millions of years?”
“False alarm. It’s just a Cabbage Patch doll wrapped in cellophane.”
The two men stop digging and get out of their respective holes.
“Let’s get out of here.”
Steve throws his shovel in the hole and walks out of the yard and onto the street. Lonnie seems confused but does the same.
“Why were we digging in that yard?”
“I’m not sure. I read something last week that said if you dig for random things you can end up winning or coming close to winning big wrestling matches. I figured it couldn’t hurt.”
“That seems odd.”
“I’ll tell you what else is odd. The number three. As in, another three way wrestling match. What Victoria Strader’s personal life in the bedroom is like is none of my business, but that chick clearly has a thing for seeing two dudes on one chick.”
“I think she’s a lesbian.”
“Ok, so she’s an actor. Big deal. Everyone’s got a little bit of lesbian in them in professional wrestling. We’re performers after all.”
“No Steve, lesbian. Not thespian.”
“What did I say?”
“You said lesbian.”
“What did you say?”
“Lesbian.”
“So I was right. Hot sauce!”
Lonnie shakes his head. He realizes he just got owned by the smartest man in the history of the world. Steve’s IQ is greater than Einstein and Hawking combined. The two continue down the dimly lit Encino street at night. Lonnie changes the subject.
“What are we doing in Encino anyway?”
“Come on, Lonnie. If you’re gonna be my manager I need you to use your brain. I’ve been watching OCW while Strader has refused to book me in matches. And what I’ve seen is the guy I beat last time, Harmon Egan, running wild over the competition since he lost to me. I did beat him, you know? Trust me. You don’t have to go back and look at the archives.”
Archives? We still do that?
“Ok, I’m trying to stay with you. You’ve been watching Harmony. What’s the Encino connection?”
“After I triumphed over him in the most epic of fashions, Harmon went and hired a manager named Corey. This guy took Harmon under his wing and he’s been undefeated ever since, including at Rumble in the Bronx. His sex partner made Harmon a mermaid or something and now he’s like the best wrestler not named me.”
“So we’re here to…?”
“I need my own Corey.”
Steve stops in front of a large white house and turns to walk up to the porch. Lonnie follows in tow, still clearly two steps behind Steve in his wonderfully orchestrated plan. Speaking of two steps behind, how about that Def Leppard, huh? That song is SICK!
Our hero knocks on the door and waits a few seconds. The interior lights come on and the door opens. From our viewpoint, we start at the bare feet of a man with hairy legs. He’s wearing a “Golden Girls” bath robe that comes to the knees. As we continue upward we see a pair of thick black glasses adorning the gorgeous face of Corey… FELDMAN!!! Holy banana hammock! The greatest actor of our generation is standing right in front of Steve Black in a bathrobe! Geek out!
“Can I help you?”
Oh. My. Goodness. Donatello just spoke to Steve! Squeal noise!
“Hello Corey Feldman. My name is—”
“You’re ‘Throw Back’ Steve Black. I watch wrestling. What I don’t understand is why you’re walking down the street in the middle of the night.”
“I guess you could say I don’t have a License To Drive.”
Snicker.
“Ok, that’s not bad. Now seriously, why are you here?”
“It’s quite simple my man. Harmon Egan found a Corey and now he’s suddenly good. So I wanted my own Corey, and there’s no better Corey on the frickin’ planet than you.”
“Well I can’t argue with that logic. But look man, I don’t have mystical powers. I’m just a normal guy living a normal life who happens to have been blessed with the voice of an angel.”
“No Corey Feldman. That’s where you’re wrong. Yes, you have the voice of an angel… but you’re no mortal man. Come here, Stand by Me for a moment.”
Steve pulls Corey close and wraps his arm around him. What I wouldn’t give to be that arm. He points up toward the sky as he continues.
“Look at the sky, Corey. Picture this: It’s the 13th, perhaps a Friday. The Final Chapter before A New Beginning, and standing center stage for the world to see are Corey Feldman and Steve Black, the Fox and the Hound if you will… two Lost Boys right here in The Burbs daring to Dream a Little Dream. Can you see it Corey Feldman? The two of us? A couple of Meatballs 4 ready to have the competition be Blown Away with our National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon.”
Steve could have gone on for days, but Corey’s filmography gets a little messy after a bit and some of those references wouldn’t hit as hard. Steve’s persuasiveness seems to be working, as Corey’s eyes are wide and a huge grin comes across his face.
“You’re right, Steve. This opportunity is too big to pass up. You and me, a force greater than any the world has seen. We’re on the Edge of Honor about to embark on The Magic Voyage. I’ll do it, I’ll be your Corey!”
Yes! Corey Feldman and Steve Black! What a duo!
“That’s totally radical, man. He Lonnie!”
“Yeah, Steve?”
“You’re fired, dude.”
Woah! I didn’t see that coming. Neither did Lonnie. He stands shocked as Corey Feldman invites Steve Black into the house and shuts the door in Lonnie’s face. Look, it’s not that Steve didn’t like Lonnie. It’s just that those lawyers from the Rodney Dangerfield estate have been a bunch of dicks. We felt it better to move in another direction. Felman walks Steve into a large room and invites him to sit down on an antique Queen Ann couch. Corey pours two glasses of sparkling orange juice. He hands one to Steve before sitting down in the chair across from him.”
“Ok, if we’re doing this I’m going to have to be up to speed on what’s going on. You got a match this week?”
“It’s another one of those three way things.”
“Man I hate those. I mean… I had my fair share of them over the years, but as far as wrestling matches go, they’re the worst.”
“I know! I’ve been using this thing called the Internet lately, don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but apparently these three way matches became popular in the 90’s with the people who beat each other with sticks and chairs. I’ll never understand it.”
“It’s weird. So who are you up against? Bifford again? Maybe PIC or TLS? It’s gotta be someone super successful and talented. I mean look at you!”
“Thank you Corey Feldman for recognizing my talent. That’s why I know you’re the right Corey for me. But no, that Strader has booked me against Jack Sullivan and the debuting Leviathan character.”
“Jack Sullivan? I used to watch that guy. He’s pretty good. Kinda old though, right?”
“I looked him up. He was a decent wrestler in a decent era, but no… this is his daughter. This chick was washed up before she showed up. She’s living in her father’s footsteps trying to fulfill the dreams he never got to accomplish. She wants to wrestle people her dad never wrestled like it’s poetic or something. I know poetry… and this chick’s three lines short of a haiku if she thinks she can hang with ole ‘Throw Back’.”
“Man, every time I watch OCW I get chills when you call yourself that. It’s even better in person.”
“Thank you Corey Feldman.”
“And who’s the other clown, Leviathan?”
“I have no clue. This guy just joined the company last week. According to Wikipedia, that’s the Encyclopedia for the Internet so you know it’s gotta be true, he likes to inflict pain and wants to steal all the belts and sell them for cash.”
“That’s his goal?”
“Check out his roster page if you don’t believe me. What a loser, right? Like, half the belts aren’t even made of gold. And even if they were, if your entire goal in life is to go around looking for scrap metal to turn into cold, hard cash, then this business isn’t for you. This is professional wrestling gosh darn it, excuse my language. We’re here to beat people up and score hot babes. That Junker the Clunker would do a lot better at the scrap heap than tangling with ‘Throw Back’ Steve Black on national television. Nah, this week is easy Corey Feldman. Now that I have you, the best Corey, by my side… I know I can shoot straight to the top. Let Jack Sullivan search for the glory his father never got and Leviathan search for scrap metal to support his meth habit, the true treasure hunters are right here in this frickin’ room. We’re The Goonies!”
“And Goonies never say die!”
I’d sully your reputation but that’s already been done
When you came to OCW living off your dad’s run
Seeing all these old faces must really be a trip
You suck so bad as a wrestler that you’ve resorted to strip
I’d give you a dollar but it’s three quarters too much
You think you’re worth more but you’re so out of touch
Then there’s Leviathan, the monster of the sea
At 266 pounds, dude needs to lay off the cheese
His little geek face is looking all kinds of porous
Guy bleaches his hair cause he thinks he’s Zack Morris
But truth of it all, he couldn’t sniff Screech’s jock
This Monday, Jack and Levi will find out that STEVE BLACK ROCKS!!! BABY!!!!!
Gremlins.
