Post by Thunder Knuckles on Nov 21, 2022 7:04:11 GMT -5
We begin on November 15th, 2022, in New York City, New York, within the confines of BOB’s top-secret headquarters. TK is sitting in front of the Bastard-computer with Ultra AI.
Computer, locate the Nickleman.
One moment, please.
The Bastard-computer doesn't take long to locate the Nickleman, he is inside a dirty meth house causing a commotion. Mr. BOB approaches TK with a beer.
Your beer, Mr. Knuckles.
Without taking his eyes off the screen TK holds out his hand. Mr. BOB gives him the beer. TK tips back the beer still looking at the screen.
Charlie!
The Nickleman continues to yell at the meth heads in the building.
I said I want the fucking money! If I have to stomp the shit out of you, I will, but your cut is due now.
CHARLIE!
Charlie walks around the corner into the next room.
Teeks?
Yeah-
Nickleman cuts off TK.
I told you, I’m the Nickleman here. Speaking of here, are you here? Did you already get the money?
What? No. I’m at Headquarters.
Where?
The place you got your face taken off.
Oh, yeah, how are you talking to me? Oh, wait, am I still on the drugs from that? AM I DYLAN THOMAS AGAIN?! No! He sucked so bad!
Goddamn it, Charlie-
Nickleman-
Right, no, you’re not still on drugs. Don’t worry about it.
Nickleman shrugs taking TK’s words that he, Nickleman, is not on drugs, but he is.
Rumble in the Brox, tag team match, you in?
Yeah, about that, I’m kinda busy that night. I really want to beat the shit out of that insufferable bitch Sahara. But daaaaamn, homie, I’d really love to hand TLS and PIC an ass whipping too-
Say no more, slap that Duke around like your name is Bobby Bourbon, I’ll call up Harmon. End.
Nickleman is still trying to talk to TK, as you can see on the monitor, Nickleman is trying to say he's up for it, but TK has already ended communications.
Computer, locate Harmon.
The advanced computer system responds.
One moment, please.
The computer, faster than anything you've ever seen, locates Harmon.
Harmon.
Harmon, minding his own business in a hotel room, starts looking around and hearing TK’s voice.
Harmon.
Harmon continues to look around and hold out his arms to signal “What the fuck?”
Harmon! Oh, for fucks sake, end!
On the monitor, Harmon has a whiteboard and starts scribbling down something.
Fuck it, man, that dude never answers me!
Mr. BOB chimes in trying to explain why Harmon never answers back.
Mr. Knuckles, Mr. Egan, is a mute.
As Mr. BOB gets TK’s attention Harmon has written down the word.
“What?”
Still looking at Mr. BOB, TK rolls his eyes. On the monitor, Harmon shakes his head and erases his whiteboard.
Oh, shit, he can’t hear me.
TK knocks his hand off his forehead.
Fucking-duh.
TK looks back at the monitor but saying duh reminds him of his favorite tv show growing up...
Computer, locate Crash.
The computer seems to be struggling to locate Crash, and TK starts to vocalize the Baywatch theme song.
Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duuuuh.
If you could see inside TK’s mind right now you’d see Erika Eleniak, Brooke Burns, and Donna D’Errico. All of whom were never on the show at the same time, all in the primes, running in slow motion, tits and hair bouncing. The computer is still searching, running the location software more times than it should.
I’m sorry Mr. Knuckles but Crash cannot be located.
Why not? Try again.
The computer begins searching again as TK pulls out his cell phone and dials the Texas bowling alley, that TK believes Crash took over.
Bowlero’s bowling and spittoon emporium.
Put Crash on the phone.
The woman on the other end of the phone has no clue who this is, or for that matter who Crash is.
I’m sorry I don’t know-
I get it, Tits, you don’t know who Crash is- Blah-blah-blah. Just put him on the goddamn phone.
Bobby Bourbon clears his throat.
It was a roller rink-
Ending the call on his cell phone. TK looks over his shoulder and sees his best friend, tag team partner for life, and all-around Bastard, Bobby Bourbon. You can tell on TK’s face he’s happy Bobby is here.
Crash isn’t here to handle the big load, Bro. We’re here to lead, you and Nickelman (neh’ kul’ mun) have led a hell of a coup in OCW, but, well, I reckon there’s a turd in the bowl that doesn’t feel like flushing, and that’s gravy. You want to take the OCW World Title? Singles shit, huh? By the way, Mr. BOB, I’m hungry make me a steak, medium rare, like our competition.
Mr. BOB nods his head.
Sure thing, Mr. Bourbon.
Bobby goes wide-eyed, grinning. Bobby seems elated that TK is finally stepping up to greatness in singles action. Bobby knows TK can easily end Pic’s singles winning streak but also knows how important this tag match is for that cause.
I’ve been watching. Well, motherfucker, go get your “got good”, I’m sick of motherfuckers out there, and seriously, I’m more a motherfucker than you’ll ever be, ask your mom kids they splosh at the beard. Hard. I shave to get some alone time people. Fuck vanity.
Bobby stands. As he does, TK and Bobby exchange their patented no-look fist bump. Recognized by the world as the crystal-cut perfection of tag team unity, the two powerful fists connect with such power that if they couldn’t control it the entire earth would shake. Instead, the mastery of the Bastards ensures that only OCW’s tag division is left rattling.
You’re looking good. So, I take it your down for the tag team match at Rumble in the Bronx?
When is it?
November 27th-
Bobby looks at TK like that question was rhetorical.
Of course I am.
Another classic no-look fistbump is exchanged by the now TWO-TIME OCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.
I have to correct you, we look like greatness. The best-damned tag team in the history of this business, we’d be champions everywhere else but they don’t like fair competition, shit. TK just got told he was too taboo for WGWF, guess their tag team championships look like championshits. Maybe we go to UGWC, and let the higher-ups here talk with the Toyota Prius of wrestling companies.
Pleased that Bobby is coming back to OCW TK he places his hand on Bobby’s shoulder.
We’ve been at the tip top of tag teams worldwide for so long, that when people ask, we’re like; “What’s the ground floor?” With a World Title shot on the line, I’m only headed up, got volcanic energy, and this tag match is about to erupt. PIC says I need to earn it, trying not to duck. So, he wants a piece of Tag Gold. We happen to run that division while PIC is running out of luck.
Taking his hand off Bobby’s shoulder bobbing his head looking for the beat.
PIC reached into his purse and pulled out a tampon. TLS is just here trying to hang on. The Rumble in the Bronx is about to get dangerous, fucking Defcon. We’re not five, lowest state, with these belts.
Both Bobby and TK raise belts and clink them together.
We’re number one and nuclear bombs are imminent, what’s left of your bodies after our match, will be scooped up with scientific instruments. Sure, you may have won the Margarita Mixer, sorry about your luck, Dolly’s out of the picture. Right now, your fucking with some Bastards, who’ve got tag team rassling goddamn mastered. With one Rainbow Laser Death Sequence, just like us in our celebration, you’ll be plastered.
Nodding his head TK smacks Bobby’s shoulder as if he was tagging him in.
Woah, Woah, Woah, Brother Knuckles, you done come in and gave us your spiel and we caught all the chuckles, pinging domes in the ring of the fools coming to challenge us between the turnbuckles, us No Good Bastards come sweeter than all them honeysuckles. We got fire in our heart, stoking every beat in our chest when we hear some motherfuckers coming around proving themselves second best and we whoop their asses toot sweet at their nearest behest because fuck Pic, fuck his rival, and partner, fuck this whole shitfest.
TK is messing around on the super advanced Bastard-computer as Bobby continues.
Here we are! Them No Good Bastards, the proper and right Tag Team Champions of the World, this world, that world, your world, and ones you ain’t seen unfurled, around our waists them belts just sit all curled, this team comes up short, they’re choking, they spewed, now they done hurled. What the fuck do these fools do when they do whyever they do, upchucking some words to lose to us then just watch them spew, sick to the stomach bitch and moan little, paltry, tawdry bitches it’s true, they want and deserve while we earn with our crew. Brotherhood of Bastards? Master and commander ready at the deck, you came to fight us but we just came to fucking wreck, you just a pair of Jokers, Jack Napier and Arthur Fleck, we’re the Bastards coming now and coming correct.
TK goes to speak. Bobby holds a hand up.
You thought I was tired and bars was all I went to crash? It’s a pub crawl up in this motherfucker, don’t ring up a tab, bring cash! I bring the heat so fast and so hard they call me Flash and it’s a goddamn shame I’m wasting my talent just taking out trash! Pic needs to pick and choose who he faces in the main event, my boy is coming, he’s coming hard, he’s not stopping he’s hellbent. You picked this up, you picked it yourself, Pic done picked his place now he’s spent, motherfucker wrote a check he couldn’t cash now we’re coming for his rent. This is OUR ring, not a solo champs with a little cutie for a partner who’s about as harmful as the cramps.
Bobby…
Yeah?
I think… Yep... I fucked up…
Bobby looks over at TK, who's sitting at the Bastard-computer. TK points to the computer monitor, he’s accidentally activated the inter-dimensional portal machine in the next room.
What did you do?
Remember that giant humanoid lizard king we trapped in the interdermal portal thing?
With the-
TK begins shaking his head yes before Bobby can finish his sentence.
Razor-sharp penis for a tail that stabs like a scorpion, except between its legs instead of over its back.
Did you shut it down?
Of course.
I’m sure it didn't get out.
As Bobby says this, however, a large javelin-like cock tail punches through the wall, again, and again, until the hole is big enough for the monster to bust through the wall. What Them No Good Bastards didn’t count on was the second-largest creature from an alternate dimension. This lizard’s face is new to them but as ugly as the day is long. It doesn’t have a razor-sharp penis tail, or as big or as strong as the first, however, it does have a hammer-like tail. Bobby nods at TK and TK does the same back to Bobby. Without words spoken they know what they need to do. Both men rush the larger of the two Drop Kicking its knees, one knee apiece to be clear, as the creature tries to stab with its razor-sharp penis tail sending the sharpness into the floor, trapping the lizard. As TK gets up the hammer-tailed lizard catches him in the chest sending him flying backward. Bobby sees this, snarls, and waits for the Tactless Lizard Scoundrel to make its next move. Just as Bobby had thought it tried the same thing, these things aren't as smart as Them No Good Bastards. As the mindless creature swings its tail again, Bobby catches it, the creature not knowing Bobby’s strength, and rips its tail clean off. The lizard howls out in pain. Bobby wastes no time and grapples the creature. Lifting it vertically, as Bobby does this TK is back on his feet running toward the wounded monster. TK leaps off the Perfectly Imprisoned Creature, by its own devices, as Bobby starts bringing down the second humanoid lizard.
RAINBOW LASER DEATH SEQUENCE
As the move lands the Tactless Lizard Scoundrel’s head explodes on impact. TK slowly walks over to the entrapped lizard.
Before I send you to meet the Bastardly Father I will make sure you can bask in his glory correctly.
Unzipping his pants and pulling out his cock.
What are you doing?
TK smirks before starting to piss on the lizard's head.
We ask you, Bastardly Father, with Your blessing to send the Bastardly Spirit through my piss. May this creature, slain by our hands, rise back up to You through this baptism... We ask this through You, Bastard Above.
A-fucking-men.
Mr. BOB walks back into the room not caring what he's seeing, just another normal day.
Your steak, Mr. Bourbon.
Awesome!
TK puts his cock back in his pants, walks over, and takes Bobby’s steak knife from his plate.
Aw, man, not my steak knife.
Sorry, Bobby.
TK walks back over to the now-baptized creature.
Let the Bastardly Father know you’re now his child.
TK slices the throat of the creature, it begins to gargle and twitch before its life sputters out, as does this promotional material.