‘How I Helped Find Alice Knight’ with Mike Hunt
Nov 15, 2022 4:28:24 GMT -5
Marcus Welsh, TLS, and 2 more like this
Post by Alice Knight on Nov 15, 2022 4:28:24 GMT -5
~Opening on a shot of a deserted OWL IS NIGHT Mustard Factory. Even the wind is pushing a tumbleweed slowly through the parking lot of the factory. The camera follows the tumbleweed until it comes to someone’s feet. The camera pans up to see a gawky looking scrawny man holding a microphone. Looking directly into the camera he speaks with his thick British accent.~
“Ello, ello. I am Michael Hunt. I have been the host of my hit BBC Show ‘Lost & Hunted’ for nearly a decade. When someone evidently disappears or vanishes from either their family, friends and even the spotlight of fame. I do my best to hunt them down and try to find out what happened? Why did it happen? How did it happen? When Mrs and Mr Copperton contacted me about their runaway daughter who went missing 13 years ago. It was me, Mike Hunt, who found her doing snuff films on an abandoned export ship in Calgary, Alberta. I reunited them and happily ever after. Or the time when I found Andrew Ridgeley, the other guy from WHAM. What happened to him after George Michael became an international star? Well… he was in the sound effects department on that same snuff film where I found the missing Copperton's daughter. It was really greasy. Believe me. And let’s not forget my interview with the beast who roamed the woods for decades, the Sasquatch. Back in 2017 it was me, Mike Hunt, who found the almighty bigfoot. Where is he now? Well he is now happily married with three children and goes by the name of Todd Weller and works full time as a construction worker in Wisconsin,
But when I was approached by a person who wanted to remain anonymous for this mission of mine. This person asked me a question that stuck right deep into my butthole. “Where is Alice Knight?” I responded immediately with ‘The Owl Hoot Wrestler?’ It was indeed the same woman. For those who have lived under a rock the last 10 years and are unfamiliar with who Alice Knight is… here is a brief history that took me hours and hours to dig up … until I found her Wikipedia page. Then a lot of my time was saved.”
~Cutting to documented photos of Alice Knight to dramatic music. Michael Hunt begins narrating over the transitioning photos.~
“Alice Knight was a New York citizen. She left home in her 20’s. She became an online viral sensation known as the ‘Cute Bum Fighter Girl. Alice Knight would fight other homeless people for money, food and bags of gasoline to huff and puff. This is when she found Online Championship Wrestling and became a member of their roster. Traveling to wrestling shows in her motorhome she easily became one of the most talked about and likable personas in the company's history.
Soon becoming a household name in the wrestling world. Selling her merchandise that would feature cute owls. Catchphrases like ‘Hoot’ spread across the fandom base for years and years. While her other attempts at catchphrases like `Aids? More Like Bad Wieners’ and ‘A Dead Cat Is The Best Cat’ failed to catch on. But it was of course when she started her own ‘Chunky’ Mustard brand known as ‘OWL IS NIGHT’s Mustard’ was when the poor homeless cute bum fighter became easily one of the wealthiest stars in the wrestling industry.
Alice Knight was on top of the world. Becoming a OCW Champion for a short time and even being inducted into the prestigious OCW Hall Of Fame. Joining the likes of mega stars like Scott Syren and The Big Bifford. To the forgettable names like Lurrr and Prozac. While her popularity rose her in-ring win record was fading. In the year 2022 Alice Knight would reunite with an old flame, The Distinguished CJ O’Donnell. CJ and Alice. Alice and CJ. The Fook and Hoot self proclaimed king and queens of OCW would have much anticipation going into that year's summer. But witht he failed rise of the mega group The Paramount. And Alice’s leave of absence from the ring after losing her losing her second shot at the OCW Championship to The Big Bifford and a loss to Dylan Thomas for the vacant OCW Savage Championship. She would return briefly but after a contract dispute between OCW and CJ O’Donnell. Alice would once again vanish from the ring and follow her man out of OCW. Alice Knight… walks away.”
~Cutting back to Michael Hunt now in front of a forest-like area. Still holding his microphone.~
“Where did the Owl Goddess go? After a controversial Owl Is Night Mustard Factory closure in October, some believe Alice went back to living on the streets. Some say she died drowning in a large barrel of her own mustard? Others even say she was murdered by a family of owls and her body was eaten by red ants. The worst kind of ants. But I have a reliable source that tells me Alice Knight is hiding in these woods. Camping? Or just gone full crazy? My mission. To get Alice Knight back on her feet and hooting in OCW again. With the RUMBLE IN THE BRONX show just around the corner. This could be Alice’s opportunity for a major comeback… or another failure. Who knows. But if anyone can find the lost… it’s Mike Hunt!”
~Fade to black~
FIVE DAYS EARLIER
~A shot of a kitchen is seen during noonish. A close up of a folded paper with ‘To My Queen, Alice.’ with a thorny rose beside it. The entrance door opens as Alice Knight can be seen carrying in groceries in the distance. With the large paper grocery bags covering her face. Barely seeing anything she stumbles into the kitchen humming what appears to be the song ‘Baker Street’ by Gerry Rafferty.~
“CJ! They were out of butter AND margarine? What kind of liquor store doesn’t have the essentials? So i picked up some sour thick milk and we can spread that on our toast in the morning… same difference.”
Alice laughs as she begins taking out a variety of alcoholic bottles from the bags. Putting some in the fridge and some on the cupboard. After doing that she begins tapping her stomach looking around for missing CJ O’Donnell.
“CJ! Come out, come out wherever you are… I’m feeling a wee bit frisky darling my king. I saw some teenagers shoplifting condoms and a German Shepherd humping this old man's leg… so you know I'm in the mood. Ehhh? CJ?”
Alice begins rubbing her hands up and down her dress looking around for CJ. Nothing. She pouts as she grabs the jug of sour milk and takes a slug of it. The taste makes her spit it out all over the kitchen counter and over the letter and rose. Using the hem of her dress she begins drying and soaking up the chunky milk dampness. She picks up the rose and letter. She smells the rose before opening the wet letter. Barely readable, she squints at it attempting to read it out loud to herself.
“Dear Alicessssh. I nees’ a breaksh… I lovsh you-showsh-muush. Thish hashesh nothing to doush wiffsh yoush my lovsshh…” What? CJ! I spoiled the letter… CJ!??! Hmm. I guess he won’t mind if I skip to the end paragraph… it appears to be clearer. Um… “Iamsh goinsh back to Ireland to do some serious soul searching. You are my rock and I don’t deserve you right now. But in time my Queen we will be together again. Love, your Fookin’ king, Chris.”
A stunned Alice falls to her knees.
“What just happened? Is this a dream? A nightmare? Am I asleep right now? Quick! CJ! Stick your finger inside somewhere in my lower region to wake me up like they do to Leo in Inception to wake him up!!!! NOW!!! No? Noooo? CJ!?!?! Whyyyy??”
Alice begins weeping on the kitchen floor. She looks at the TV where she spots a OCW RUMBLE IN THE BRONX advertisement playing. Alice crumples up the paper and grabs the outdated milk jug. She tosses it and punts it with her foot directly at the television set. Breaking it and making a mess of chunky milk everywhere. She lets out a scream.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!
“OCW did this! OCW has ruined my life once again! Rumble in the Bronx? More like Rumble in the Butts…? Even my jokes are below standard!!! That fookin’ place ruined my relationship with my king. It has ruined my love for fighting assholes! But OCW has ruined my entire life for the last goddamn time.”
Alice looks out of her and CJ’s country side house window. Looking down at the deep forest and trees she begins to calm down a bit.
“That’s what I need to do. I need to get back into the wilderness. I have been too content with my fame and fortune. I need to be one with the animals again. The Owls. The Ants. The Stray Cats. The Bees. The Beavers. The Beatles. The Bangles. The Monkees. Alabama! Um, Alan Parson's Project! Um, um, um. CAMEO! DEBARG!! THE GO-GOS!!! Ha! Nailed it.”
Alice raises her hand for a high five to no one. She frowns again in angry looking at the trees again.
“It must be done. I will leave this world of emails, four slot toasters and VCR machines! I will go back to what I know best. The struggle of life and survival only on my strength, charm and my amazing wit… screw you OCW Rumble in the Bum-ble! Nice one, Alice! HOOT!”
Alice grabs the thorny rose and using the skirt of her dress stocks it up with important supplies… liquor bottles. She rushes out the door and runs deep into the forest. A cheerful Alice skips through the woods chugging back a bottle of Peach Schnapps.
“This is going to be great…”
One Minute Later
A thunder clap is heard as the rain pours down. Alice is curled up in a ball under a large tree out of the rain with three empty bottles of schnapps in front of her.
“I’m lost… I'm cold… I've made a huge mistake… hoot?”
Another thunderclap hits frightening Alice as the scene cuts to black.
Five Days Later
Seeing Michael Hunt and his cameraman stomping through the woods. Holding his microphone he looks at the camera.
“Mike Hunt here. It’s been twelve hours since we entered the woods on the trail of Alice Knight. So far I can barely keep my pee hole open. My urethra shut down six hours ago. Where is the OWL Queen? Is she safe? Is she even alive? Was she killed by a grizzly bear or a wild cougar?”
The cameraman gets a scared look as a black bear creeps up behind Mike Hunt. Hunt turns around and stands still.
“If you don’t make any sudden movement the bear won’t attack you…”
The cameraman accidentally drops his camera bag and the bear spots them immediately. Growling and roaring the bear rushes them. But just before it can attack them, a large OWL shriek is heard from above. The men and bear look into the sky seeing a feminine figure block out the sun above them. The feminine figure jumps down from a branch with a large owl on her shoulder. Stopping the bear in its tracks she speaks in a weird foreign tongue to the large animal.
“Shamocksh! Bhalash! Blashalsh! BLASHASH-BLA!”
Hunt leans into the cameraman.
“She must speak the bear's language…”
The female figure turns around to reveal it is none other than a filthy and raggedy looking Alice Knight. Face covered in dirt. Her light blue floral dress now a disgusting mud covered brown. Nylons with tears and her hair all frizzled up.
“Alice! How did you learn to speak bear?”
“What? No. I was just clearing my throat. Seriously though… you should run away now… it’s a bear!”
Alice turns her attention back to the bear and begins throwing rocks at the beast. Pissing it off, the bear runs at them. Alice runs through the cameraman and Hunt into the opposite direction. They quickly follow her as the bear rushes them.
FEW MINUTES LATER
The three are now out of breath as they hide behind a large log.
“I… can’t believe we found you, Miss Knight!”
Alice scratches her hair looking confused.
“How do you know my name? Do you work for the Canadian Government? Those hosers have been looking for me for months since my mustard poisoned the entire Yukon area.”
“No, I am Michael Hunt. I was looking for you! We want to know what happened to the great Alice Knight?”
Alice smirks and nods.
“Well, the cameraman start rolling, babe. It’s a long story but a good one… It all started on the streets of New York and…”
“Um…”
“... yeah?”
“We… already went through the backstory on you, Alice. In our opening. We were more interested in what’s next? Why the sudden disappearance? How have you survived in these woods all alone? And of course… will you be wrestling at Rumble In the Bronx despite the controversy surrounding the OCW exit of your boyfriend, CJ O’Donnell?”
“HA!”
Alice stands up dramatically. Putting her foot on the log as she scratches her nylon covered legs aggressively. Making more rips and tears in it.
“Me? Return to that AWFUL place that ran out one of the most dedicated workers they’ve ever had? Yeeah. Right… besides. They probably don’t even miss me… do they? Have they said anything? Is there like a large petition of signatures about getting me back? Huh?
?”
Alice looks at Hunt excitedly. He shakes his head ‘no’. Alice turns her head back in the opposite direction.
“I knew it! I don’t even care to be honest… they don’t deserve me. Never have. Never will. And this Rumble In the Bronx gimmick match? Give me a break. I bet no one will even show up…”
“Well Thaddeus Duke is coming out of retirement and is one of the favorites to win the entire thing? Also The Lost Stranger .. er… sorry. A maskless and paintless The Lost Soul has returned and he too will be participating in the Rumble.”
“... really? How does he look these days?”
“Not bad. Long hair. Beard. All in black… it’s an improvement to be honest.”
“Hmm. I’d like to see that. NO! NNNN-NO! I will not do it, mister. They can beg and cry all they want. And… who else? Any other big names…?”
“Well, anyone can join the match. Even outside of OCW. So who knows. But The Big Bifford is around again. And The Bastards are dominating still. And not to mention Mike Zybala not only said he wants to win the battle royal… he even called you out for a future match on the latest Massacre.”
Alice smiles but tries not to show it hiding her face in her scruffy hair.
“Did he? Classic Zybala. Name dropping a bigger name like my own to get attention. Ha. Well… I am NOT coming back! Is OUTCAST still the OCW Champion by the way? Asking for my Owlie friend over there…”
Alice points to the large owl who stares back at them as she shits over the log.
“Um, gross. No. PIC actually won the OCW Championship at FACE/OFF. Great match. But I am telling you, Alice. You returning in the match will draw ratings. Draw attention. Sure the competition is stacked. Not just the names I've mentioned. But Calaway is around. Crash has been lurking again. And who knows what OCW Hall Of Famer or legend and again, outsiders from another company are going to show up. But… you Alice. You putting your name in the hat? That will open some eyes.”
Alice smiles all giddy, rubbing her chin hoping for more compliments. When Hunt stops. She pouts, still hiding her face within her hair.
“Those all sound like great names to be mixed up with. And to be honest… with my A-Game I could probably win the whole thing, ya know? But why should I? Why should I ‘HOOT’ in OCW again? What would be the point? To go on and finally get my fair OCW Championship second title reign after I defeat Mr. PIC-ford? He thinks I am scared of him but I think he’s just talking shit knowing I’m not on my A-Game this year. And he’s not wrong. Might as well shoot down the dear while she is weak. But he couldn’t handle all this Alice at 100%.”
“Yes! Exactly! Give them your 100%! One. More. Time.”
Alice fixes her hair finally showing her smirk under her dirt covered face.
“You think? It would be nice to get back in there. After the OCW office ran off my FOOK king to Ireland. It would be nice to squat down and piss in their face in revenge with this victory. Hmm. A shower and a new wardrobe would help matters. It would also be nice to stop eating dear and bear shit for the second harvest and eat a fine meal too. What do you say, Owlie? Should we do it? One more final OCW run for the record books? For the ages?
Owlie shrieks at her as more shit pours out of her onto the log.
“I’m going to do it. I’m going to fookin’ do it. It’s time for the OWL to soar one final time in OCW. And my homecoming in New York in the Rumble would be the perfect time to return. And it’s not just a blast from the past nostalgia reaction I am going for. When these Alice Knight hooters in the crowd see me come down to the ring. And even everyone in the Rumble match itself. I want them to see the original Alice. NEED them to see it. Not the underdog either. Or the overhyped Face of OCW. Nah. I want them to see the bad ass me. The badass that owned OCW once upon a time. Remind them why my name is bigger than almost everyone else's name in the history of that company. It’s time to Hoot again, baby! Hoot. Hoot. HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice begins shouting out HOOT’s as she flaps her arms like wings around the Owl shit covered log. Mike Hunt looks at the cameraman smiling.
“This is gonna win me an Emmy.”
They fist bump as the scene fades into a transition of one final shot with Alice cleaning her face in a pond. Mike Hunt approaches her.
“The car is pulling up now. Take your time, Alice.”
Alice stops him from leaving as she ties up her hair.
“Hey… thanks. I needed this. I needed a good kick in the vagina to remind me just who I am. What I am capable of doing in this business. And the timing is perfect. A Rumble in the Bronx battle royal gauntlet like match? C’mon! That is like a sign from the heavens. God, Jesus and Moses..? Noah Wyle and his arch. Um, Mary? Whatever. The bible gang. They gave me a sign. Thad Duke coming out of retirement? In MY company? No chance. Or a maskless The Lost Soul? Never gonna happen. Big Biff’? Mikey Z? Whoever wants to show up for this shindig better be ready for a fight. Am I right, Mike Hunt? Ooooh. Mike Hunt SOUNDS like My CUNT! I get it now… sorry. Must have been all the dirty water, animal shit and giant moldy mushrooms i’ve been eating out here. Duh!”
Alice laughs as she walks away from a confused Mike Hunt.
“My… name doesn’t sound like that offensive slur… right? Hmm.”
Mike Hunt follows Alice to the car.
It’s official. Alice Knight joins the Rumble in the Bronx for another HOOT OCW run!
Hoot! Hoot! HOOT!
“Ello, ello. I am Michael Hunt. I have been the host of my hit BBC Show ‘Lost & Hunted’ for nearly a decade. When someone evidently disappears or vanishes from either their family, friends and even the spotlight of fame. I do my best to hunt them down and try to find out what happened? Why did it happen? How did it happen? When Mrs and Mr Copperton contacted me about their runaway daughter who went missing 13 years ago. It was me, Mike Hunt, who found her doing snuff films on an abandoned export ship in Calgary, Alberta. I reunited them and happily ever after. Or the time when I found Andrew Ridgeley, the other guy from WHAM. What happened to him after George Michael became an international star? Well… he was in the sound effects department on that same snuff film where I found the missing Copperton's daughter. It was really greasy. Believe me. And let’s not forget my interview with the beast who roamed the woods for decades, the Sasquatch. Back in 2017 it was me, Mike Hunt, who found the almighty bigfoot. Where is he now? Well he is now happily married with three children and goes by the name of Todd Weller and works full time as a construction worker in Wisconsin,
But when I was approached by a person who wanted to remain anonymous for this mission of mine. This person asked me a question that stuck right deep into my butthole. “Where is Alice Knight?” I responded immediately with ‘The Owl Hoot Wrestler?’ It was indeed the same woman. For those who have lived under a rock the last 10 years and are unfamiliar with who Alice Knight is… here is a brief history that took me hours and hours to dig up … until I found her Wikipedia page. Then a lot of my time was saved.”
~Cutting to documented photos of Alice Knight to dramatic music. Michael Hunt begins narrating over the transitioning photos.~
“Alice Knight was a New York citizen. She left home in her 20’s. She became an online viral sensation known as the ‘Cute Bum Fighter Girl. Alice Knight would fight other homeless people for money, food and bags of gasoline to huff and puff. This is when she found Online Championship Wrestling and became a member of their roster. Traveling to wrestling shows in her motorhome she easily became one of the most talked about and likable personas in the company's history.
Soon becoming a household name in the wrestling world. Selling her merchandise that would feature cute owls. Catchphrases like ‘Hoot’ spread across the fandom base for years and years. While her other attempts at catchphrases like `Aids? More Like Bad Wieners’ and ‘A Dead Cat Is The Best Cat’ failed to catch on. But it was of course when she started her own ‘Chunky’ Mustard brand known as ‘OWL IS NIGHT’s Mustard’ was when the poor homeless cute bum fighter became easily one of the wealthiest stars in the wrestling industry.
Alice Knight was on top of the world. Becoming a OCW Champion for a short time and even being inducted into the prestigious OCW Hall Of Fame. Joining the likes of mega stars like Scott Syren and The Big Bifford. To the forgettable names like Lurrr and Prozac. While her popularity rose her in-ring win record was fading. In the year 2022 Alice Knight would reunite with an old flame, The Distinguished CJ O’Donnell. CJ and Alice. Alice and CJ. The Fook and Hoot self proclaimed king and queens of OCW would have much anticipation going into that year's summer. But witht he failed rise of the mega group The Paramount. And Alice’s leave of absence from the ring after losing her losing her second shot at the OCW Championship to The Big Bifford and a loss to Dylan Thomas for the vacant OCW Savage Championship. She would return briefly but after a contract dispute between OCW and CJ O’Donnell. Alice would once again vanish from the ring and follow her man out of OCW. Alice Knight… walks away.”
~Cutting back to Michael Hunt now in front of a forest-like area. Still holding his microphone.~
“Where did the Owl Goddess go? After a controversial Owl Is Night Mustard Factory closure in October, some believe Alice went back to living on the streets. Some say she died drowning in a large barrel of her own mustard? Others even say she was murdered by a family of owls and her body was eaten by red ants. The worst kind of ants. But I have a reliable source that tells me Alice Knight is hiding in these woods. Camping? Or just gone full crazy? My mission. To get Alice Knight back on her feet and hooting in OCW again. With the RUMBLE IN THE BRONX show just around the corner. This could be Alice’s opportunity for a major comeback… or another failure. Who knows. But if anyone can find the lost… it’s Mike Hunt!”
~Fade to black~
FIVE DAYS EARLIER
~A shot of a kitchen is seen during noonish. A close up of a folded paper with ‘To My Queen, Alice.’ with a thorny rose beside it. The entrance door opens as Alice Knight can be seen carrying in groceries in the distance. With the large paper grocery bags covering her face. Barely seeing anything she stumbles into the kitchen humming what appears to be the song ‘Baker Street’ by Gerry Rafferty.~
“CJ! They were out of butter AND margarine? What kind of liquor store doesn’t have the essentials? So i picked up some sour thick milk and we can spread that on our toast in the morning… same difference.”
Alice laughs as she begins taking out a variety of alcoholic bottles from the bags. Putting some in the fridge and some on the cupboard. After doing that she begins tapping her stomach looking around for missing CJ O’Donnell.
“CJ! Come out, come out wherever you are… I’m feeling a wee bit frisky darling my king. I saw some teenagers shoplifting condoms and a German Shepherd humping this old man's leg… so you know I'm in the mood. Ehhh? CJ?”
Alice begins rubbing her hands up and down her dress looking around for CJ. Nothing. She pouts as she grabs the jug of sour milk and takes a slug of it. The taste makes her spit it out all over the kitchen counter and over the letter and rose. Using the hem of her dress she begins drying and soaking up the chunky milk dampness. She picks up the rose and letter. She smells the rose before opening the wet letter. Barely readable, she squints at it attempting to read it out loud to herself.
“Dear Alicessssh. I nees’ a breaksh… I lovsh you-showsh-muush. Thish hashesh nothing to doush wiffsh yoush my lovsshh…” What? CJ! I spoiled the letter… CJ!??! Hmm. I guess he won’t mind if I skip to the end paragraph… it appears to be clearer. Um… “Iamsh goinsh back to Ireland to do some serious soul searching. You are my rock and I don’t deserve you right now. But in time my Queen we will be together again. Love, your Fookin’ king, Chris.”
A stunned Alice falls to her knees.
“What just happened? Is this a dream? A nightmare? Am I asleep right now? Quick! CJ! Stick your finger inside somewhere in my lower region to wake me up like they do to Leo in Inception to wake him up!!!! NOW!!! No? Noooo? CJ!?!?! Whyyyy??”
Alice begins weeping on the kitchen floor. She looks at the TV where she spots a OCW RUMBLE IN THE BRONX advertisement playing. Alice crumples up the paper and grabs the outdated milk jug. She tosses it and punts it with her foot directly at the television set. Breaking it and making a mess of chunky milk everywhere. She lets out a scream.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!
“OCW did this! OCW has ruined my life once again! Rumble in the Bronx? More like Rumble in the Butts…? Even my jokes are below standard!!! That fookin’ place ruined my relationship with my king. It has ruined my love for fighting assholes! But OCW has ruined my entire life for the last goddamn time.”
Alice looks out of her and CJ’s country side house window. Looking down at the deep forest and trees she begins to calm down a bit.
“That’s what I need to do. I need to get back into the wilderness. I have been too content with my fame and fortune. I need to be one with the animals again. The Owls. The Ants. The Stray Cats. The Bees. The Beavers. The Beatles. The Bangles. The Monkees. Alabama! Um, Alan Parson's Project! Um, um, um. CAMEO! DEBARG!! THE GO-GOS!!! Ha! Nailed it.”
Alice raises her hand for a high five to no one. She frowns again in angry looking at the trees again.
“It must be done. I will leave this world of emails, four slot toasters and VCR machines! I will go back to what I know best. The struggle of life and survival only on my strength, charm and my amazing wit… screw you OCW Rumble in the Bum-ble! Nice one, Alice! HOOT!”
Alice grabs the thorny rose and using the skirt of her dress stocks it up with important supplies… liquor bottles. She rushes out the door and runs deep into the forest. A cheerful Alice skips through the woods chugging back a bottle of Peach Schnapps.
“This is going to be great…”
One Minute Later
A thunder clap is heard as the rain pours down. Alice is curled up in a ball under a large tree out of the rain with three empty bottles of schnapps in front of her.
“I’m lost… I'm cold… I've made a huge mistake… hoot?”
Another thunderclap hits frightening Alice as the scene cuts to black.
Five Days Later
Seeing Michael Hunt and his cameraman stomping through the woods. Holding his microphone he looks at the camera.
“Mike Hunt here. It’s been twelve hours since we entered the woods on the trail of Alice Knight. So far I can barely keep my pee hole open. My urethra shut down six hours ago. Where is the OWL Queen? Is she safe? Is she even alive? Was she killed by a grizzly bear or a wild cougar?”
The cameraman gets a scared look as a black bear creeps up behind Mike Hunt. Hunt turns around and stands still.
“If you don’t make any sudden movement the bear won’t attack you…”
The cameraman accidentally drops his camera bag and the bear spots them immediately. Growling and roaring the bear rushes them. But just before it can attack them, a large OWL shriek is heard from above. The men and bear look into the sky seeing a feminine figure block out the sun above them. The feminine figure jumps down from a branch with a large owl on her shoulder. Stopping the bear in its tracks she speaks in a weird foreign tongue to the large animal.
“Shamocksh! Bhalash! Blashalsh! BLASHASH-BLA!”
Hunt leans into the cameraman.
“She must speak the bear's language…”
The female figure turns around to reveal it is none other than a filthy and raggedy looking Alice Knight. Face covered in dirt. Her light blue floral dress now a disgusting mud covered brown. Nylons with tears and her hair all frizzled up.
“Alice! How did you learn to speak bear?”
“What? No. I was just clearing my throat. Seriously though… you should run away now… it’s a bear!”
Alice turns her attention back to the bear and begins throwing rocks at the beast. Pissing it off, the bear runs at them. Alice runs through the cameraman and Hunt into the opposite direction. They quickly follow her as the bear rushes them.
FEW MINUTES LATER
The three are now out of breath as they hide behind a large log.
“I… can’t believe we found you, Miss Knight!”
Alice scratches her hair looking confused.
“How do you know my name? Do you work for the Canadian Government? Those hosers have been looking for me for months since my mustard poisoned the entire Yukon area.”
“No, I am Michael Hunt. I was looking for you! We want to know what happened to the great Alice Knight?”
Alice smirks and nods.
“Well, the cameraman start rolling, babe. It’s a long story but a good one… It all started on the streets of New York and…”
“Um…”
“... yeah?”
“We… already went through the backstory on you, Alice. In our opening. We were more interested in what’s next? Why the sudden disappearance? How have you survived in these woods all alone? And of course… will you be wrestling at Rumble In the Bronx despite the controversy surrounding the OCW exit of your boyfriend, CJ O’Donnell?”
“HA!”
Alice stands up dramatically. Putting her foot on the log as she scratches her nylon covered legs aggressively. Making more rips and tears in it.
“Me? Return to that AWFUL place that ran out one of the most dedicated workers they’ve ever had? Yeeah. Right… besides. They probably don’t even miss me… do they? Have they said anything? Is there like a large petition of signatures about getting me back? Huh?
?”Alice looks at Hunt excitedly. He shakes his head ‘no’. Alice turns her head back in the opposite direction.
“I knew it! I don’t even care to be honest… they don’t deserve me. Never have. Never will. And this Rumble In the Bronx gimmick match? Give me a break. I bet no one will even show up…”
“Well Thaddeus Duke is coming out of retirement and is one of the favorites to win the entire thing? Also The Lost Stranger .. er… sorry. A maskless and paintless The Lost Soul has returned and he too will be participating in the Rumble.”
“... really? How does he look these days?”
“Not bad. Long hair. Beard. All in black… it’s an improvement to be honest.”
“Hmm. I’d like to see that. NO! NNNN-NO! I will not do it, mister. They can beg and cry all they want. And… who else? Any other big names…?”
“Well, anyone can join the match. Even outside of OCW. So who knows. But The Big Bifford is around again. And The Bastards are dominating still. And not to mention Mike Zybala not only said he wants to win the battle royal… he even called you out for a future match on the latest Massacre.”
Alice smiles but tries not to show it hiding her face in her scruffy hair.
“Did he? Classic Zybala. Name dropping a bigger name like my own to get attention. Ha. Well… I am NOT coming back! Is OUTCAST still the OCW Champion by the way? Asking for my Owlie friend over there…”
Alice points to the large owl who stares back at them as she shits over the log.
“Um, gross. No. PIC actually won the OCW Championship at FACE/OFF. Great match. But I am telling you, Alice. You returning in the match will draw ratings. Draw attention. Sure the competition is stacked. Not just the names I've mentioned. But Calaway is around. Crash has been lurking again. And who knows what OCW Hall Of Famer or legend and again, outsiders from another company are going to show up. But… you Alice. You putting your name in the hat? That will open some eyes.”
Alice smiles all giddy, rubbing her chin hoping for more compliments. When Hunt stops. She pouts, still hiding her face within her hair.
“Those all sound like great names to be mixed up with. And to be honest… with my A-Game I could probably win the whole thing, ya know? But why should I? Why should I ‘HOOT’ in OCW again? What would be the point? To go on and finally get my fair OCW Championship second title reign after I defeat Mr. PIC-ford? He thinks I am scared of him but I think he’s just talking shit knowing I’m not on my A-Game this year. And he’s not wrong. Might as well shoot down the dear while she is weak. But he couldn’t handle all this Alice at 100%.”
“Yes! Exactly! Give them your 100%! One. More. Time.”
Alice fixes her hair finally showing her smirk under her dirt covered face.
“You think? It would be nice to get back in there. After the OCW office ran off my FOOK king to Ireland. It would be nice to squat down and piss in their face in revenge with this victory. Hmm. A shower and a new wardrobe would help matters. It would also be nice to stop eating dear and bear shit for the second harvest and eat a fine meal too. What do you say, Owlie? Should we do it? One more final OCW run for the record books? For the ages?
Owlie shrieks at her as more shit pours out of her onto the log.
“I’m going to do it. I’m going to fookin’ do it. It’s time for the OWL to soar one final time in OCW. And my homecoming in New York in the Rumble would be the perfect time to return. And it’s not just a blast from the past nostalgia reaction I am going for. When these Alice Knight hooters in the crowd see me come down to the ring. And even everyone in the Rumble match itself. I want them to see the original Alice. NEED them to see it. Not the underdog either. Or the overhyped Face of OCW. Nah. I want them to see the bad ass me. The badass that owned OCW once upon a time. Remind them why my name is bigger than almost everyone else's name in the history of that company. It’s time to Hoot again, baby! Hoot. Hoot. HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice begins shouting out HOOT’s as she flaps her arms like wings around the Owl shit covered log. Mike Hunt looks at the cameraman smiling.
“This is gonna win me an Emmy.”
They fist bump as the scene fades into a transition of one final shot with Alice cleaning her face in a pond. Mike Hunt approaches her.
“The car is pulling up now. Take your time, Alice.”
Alice stops him from leaving as she ties up her hair.
“Hey… thanks. I needed this. I needed a good kick in the vagina to remind me just who I am. What I am capable of doing in this business. And the timing is perfect. A Rumble in the Bronx battle royal gauntlet like match? C’mon! That is like a sign from the heavens. God, Jesus and Moses..? Noah Wyle and his arch. Um, Mary? Whatever. The bible gang. They gave me a sign. Thad Duke coming out of retirement? In MY company? No chance. Or a maskless The Lost Soul? Never gonna happen. Big Biff’? Mikey Z? Whoever wants to show up for this shindig better be ready for a fight. Am I right, Mike Hunt? Ooooh. Mike Hunt SOUNDS like My CUNT! I get it now… sorry. Must have been all the dirty water, animal shit and giant moldy mushrooms i’ve been eating out here. Duh!”
Alice laughs as she walks away from a confused Mike Hunt.
“My… name doesn’t sound like that offensive slur… right? Hmm.”
Mike Hunt follows Alice to the car.
It’s official. Alice Knight joins the Rumble in the Bronx for another HOOT OCW run!
Hoot! Hoot! HOOT!