Post by Ball Ball on Nov 12, 2022 21:05:18 GMT -5
~Wednesday, November 9th, 2022~
~Khartoum, Sudan~
Ball Ball sits quietly at the table in the center of his Souper Kitchen. He stares blankly into the wall as he thinks about everything that has happened in the last few months. All thoughts lead back to the mysterious stranger that drugged him a few months back. Ball Ball stands up and walks into the back room with the folder that reads “Mysterious Stranger” on it. He picks up the folder and opens it slowly. But there’s nothing inside. The folder consists of just two slots for paper and clues to go, yet there are none. Ball Ball drops the folder and begins to tear up. He thinks about all this time he has wasted fighting bums, instead of getting his revenge. Goon 83 steps into the room. Ball Ball quickly wipes the tears from his eyes as he turns around to greet the mighty Goon.
Ball Ball: Ah, Chris! Ball Ball’s right hand Goon! How are you?
Goon 83: Hey, Boss. Yeah, I’m alright, listen. How are you doing? You don’t seem too well right now if I’m being honest.
Ball Ball: Well, you know Ball Ball. Ball ball is just thinking about the mysterious stranger, that’s all.
Goon 83: Oh yeah? Hey, I kind of forgot about that guy to be honest. I thought you were more focused on your career while Lavar did all the leg work in regards to that?
Ball Ball: Well, it seems Lavar hasn’t done much investigating. He seems more interested in all the glory from being Ball Ball’s manager.
Goon 83: Well, maybe he has been looking and he hasn’t found anything. Or maybe he just keeps it in a different location, the clues I mean.
Ball Ball: No, man. He’s not been looking. He’s been too busy cooking up silly schemes for Ball Ball. Ball Ball just wants to find out who did this to Ball Ball. Ball Ball is tired of living with Ball Ball’s self. Where the fuck is Lavar anyways?
Goon 83: Man, I came here because I thought he was with you. He’s been missing the last couple days hasn’t he? Where do you think he has been if not here?
Ball Ball: Ball Ball doesn’t know, but Ball Ball does know one thing. If he doesn’t pick up the phone, Ball Ball is gonna go Ball Ball’s separate way again. Ball Ball was just fine without Lavar riding the coattails.
Ball Ball pulls out his phone and dials up Lavar’s name. The phone starts ringing. A sound could be heard from the back room. It was the generic iPhone ringtone. Ball ball and Goon 83 run into the back room and look in the utilities closet to see the one and only, Lavar Ball. He was tied up with tape over his mouth. He starts muffling some nonsense as Goon 83 begins to untie him.
Ball Ball: Lavar? What the fuck man? How long have you been here?
Lavar: Boy! I was here looking for the damn mysterious stranger! How long have you been here not cleaning up this damn establishment? Nobody checks the damn cleaning cupboard?
Ball Ball: Listen, man. Ball Ball isn’t here to clean up the establishment. Ball Ball is here to clean up the competition. Ball Ball just sometimes makes the damn soup. Plus, Ball Ball had to shut down the damn wrestling school that you said would be a good idea. Clearly that was a bust.
Lavar: That was a damn good idea. You’re ass went and blew it. But that’s beside the point. I got this new great idea and I think it’s really going to help you with everything that’s been going on.
Goon 83: Okay, but what about the mysterious stranger, and why the hell were you tied up?
Lavar: I’ll tell you all about that later, right now, we got business to tend to. Everyone follow me!
Lavar scurries into the main room of the Souper Kitchen. He reaches into a bag and pulls out a laptop and starts booting it up. Ball Ball and Goon 83 reluctantly follow him into the room and sit next to him.
Lavar: Now listen. Ball Ball, being surrounded by men all the time? That’s not good for your mental health. So here is a website you can go on, you can find yourself a woman and start talking with that woman. It’s brilliant! Relieve some stress my boy!
Ball Ball: Are you fucking kidding me Lavar? This is not what Ball Ball is worried about right now! Ball ball wants to find the fucking myster-
Lavar: Blah blah blah! Mysterious stranger this, mysterious stranger that! I told you I’m taking care of it. Now you go on this website, sign up and find yourself a match. I am going to find out more about the so called mysterious stranger. Perhaps we should give this guy a better name? I’m getting tired of saying mysterious stranger. Anywho, I’m out. Good luck Ball Ball!
Lavar leaves the building, leaving Goon 83 and Ball Ball sitting there together. They look at eachother, Goon 83 confused, while Ball Ball is angry.
Ball Ball: Whatever, why does Ball Ball need this? Ball Ball doesn’t want this.
Goon 83: Hey, Boss. Listen, this could maybe be good for you. Like he said, being around a bunch of men all the time is kind of gross. It’s like a sausage fest out here. I think maybe you should try it out at least. I’ll send some Goons to try and see if Lavar i actually looking for clues or anything. How’s that sound?
Ball Ball: Hmm…. Alright Chris, you always have Ball Ball’s back. Ball Ball trusts you. Send the Goons, Ball Ball will try this silly website out.
Goon 83 steps away to summon the Goons via mobile device, while Ball Ball signs up for the website. After a few minutes and a few verification steps, Ball ball was in. He begins to search for potential matches. But, after a few minutes of searching, all Ball Ball could find was men. Man after man and no women in sight. Ball Ball starts to get frustrated. He begins to contemplate his sexuality. He throws the laptop in anger. Goon 83 rushes back in to find out what’s wrong.
Goon 83: Boss! What’s wrong? What happened? Did you find a match?
Ball Ball: Does it look like Ball Ball found a match? The only damn matches Ball Ball finds are against bums. In the ring. Ball Ball can’t find a damn romantic match! It’s all fucking men! Is Ball Ball gay? Ball Ball can’t be gay!
Goon 83: Okay, hold on now. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. You need to slow down. Did you select the right settings? What if you accidentally selected you like men?
Ball Ball: Doesn’t fucking matter. This website sucks. Ball Ball needs the website gone. Find out who made it, and Ball Ball will take care of the rest.
Goon 83: This seems pretty irrelevant, you say Lavar has pretty irrelevant stuff but, I guess I’ll find out. Just a quick google search and… Boom. His name is Neil Clark Warren. The headquarters are in LA. Let’s get going.
Ball Ball: Perfect, this is why you’re Ball Ball’s right hand Goon.
~Friday, November 11th, 2022~
~Los Angeles, California~
Ball Ball and Goon 83 pull up right outside the headquarters of the dating website. Goon 83 puts the car in park as Ball Ball keeps his eyes set on the building.
Ball Ball: Alright Chris, stay out here. Ball Ball will be back soon.
Ball Ball exits the vehicle and heads straight to the front doors. He busts open the doors and security tries to stop him. But he’s just too strong. He pushes by everyone due to his massive stature. He goes into the staircase and heads to the top floor. His massive legs let him skip 4 steps at a time as he sprints up. As he reaches the top the sign of course says, employees only. He kicks down the door and heads into the main office. Sitting there, looking at him in fear, was the founder of the website. Neil Clark Warren.
Neil: Who.. Who are you and what do you want?
Ball Ball: You know who Ball Ball is. Ball Ball signed up for your website and you gave Ball Ball all men to match with. This is bogus. Ball Ball wants your website taken down. NOW.
Neil: Well, I don’t actually make the matches. Our website uses data based on your likes to find other people who like the same thing as you and match you together. If you got only men, there was an option at the start stating choose what gender you would prefer. You must have chosen men. That’s not our fau-
Ball Ball: Ball Ball did not fucking choose men! Ball Ball is a woman type of guy. Now if you don’t take down the website immediately, there will be consequences.
Neil: Well, I can’t take the website down, there’s been over 2 million matches made! I’m sure we can figure something out.
Ball Ball: Take it down, NOW!
Neil: I.. I can’t. You have to understand.
Ball Ball: Well then, fuck you, and your shitty website.
Ball Ball does what he does best. He absolutely starts beating on the founder of the website. Punch after punch and kick after kick. The founder, a poor old man, starts bleeding from every hole he has. Ball Ball grabs his neck, and starts strangling him. The old man struggles until finally, he stops breathing. Ball ball stands up, covered in the old man’s blood. But, he smiles. Ball Ball feels a little bit better about himself. Ball ball fixes his shirt, and heads back down the stairs. Alarms are going off and security starts going up the elevator as Ball Ball reaches the bottom of the stairs. Although he is a huge man, nobody sees him run out the front. He run back and jumps into the car as Goon 83 pulls off.
Goon 83: Holy shit! I heard the alarms! I saw the security! What did you do in there?
Ball Ball: Ball Ball took care of business. He said he wouldn’t take the website down. So Ball Ball took him down.
Goon 83: You killed him?
Ball Ball: Yes
Goon 83: Holy shit man, you killed the founder of eHarmony?
Ball Ball: Man, fuck eHarmony. Stupid name, stupid website. Hopefully without him, eHarmony will be no more. Back to Khartoum, Chris.
~Saturday, November 12th, 2022~
~Khartoum, Sudan~
Ball Ball and Goon 83 arrive back at the Souper Kitchen. Lavar sits there, waiting for them. He looks mad. As soon as they walk in, he confronts them.
Lavar: Boy! Where the hell have you been? I told you to meet someone on the dating site! I find out you’re not even in Sudan anymore? It’s not even possible to not find local singles in your area! What the fuck were you up to?
Goon 83: He took out eHarmony! Isn’t he just the coolest? Whatever this guy wants, he gets!
Lavar: Wait wait. You took out Harmony? Isn’t the match on Monday? Why’d you take him out? Now you’re not going to get your belt opportunity. Why would you do this?
Ball Ball: Harmony? No no, eHarmony man! The website you told Ball Ball to go on. It should be gone right? Who the hell is Harmony?
Lavar: Harmon Egan? AKA Harmony? You don’t even know who you’re fighting on Monday? My god Ball Ball! Keep up man we’re trying to win out here!
Ball Ball: Oh well, whoever that is. Dudes a bum. Ball Ball isn’t about that guy. Ball Ball took out eHarmony, Ball Ball can take out Bum Harmony.
~Khartoum, Sudan~
Ball Ball sits quietly at the table in the center of his Souper Kitchen. He stares blankly into the wall as he thinks about everything that has happened in the last few months. All thoughts lead back to the mysterious stranger that drugged him a few months back. Ball Ball stands up and walks into the back room with the folder that reads “Mysterious Stranger” on it. He picks up the folder and opens it slowly. But there’s nothing inside. The folder consists of just two slots for paper and clues to go, yet there are none. Ball Ball drops the folder and begins to tear up. He thinks about all this time he has wasted fighting bums, instead of getting his revenge. Goon 83 steps into the room. Ball Ball quickly wipes the tears from his eyes as he turns around to greet the mighty Goon.
Ball Ball: Ah, Chris! Ball Ball’s right hand Goon! How are you?
Goon 83: Hey, Boss. Yeah, I’m alright, listen. How are you doing? You don’t seem too well right now if I’m being honest.
Ball Ball: Well, you know Ball Ball. Ball ball is just thinking about the mysterious stranger, that’s all.
Goon 83: Oh yeah? Hey, I kind of forgot about that guy to be honest. I thought you were more focused on your career while Lavar did all the leg work in regards to that?
Ball Ball: Well, it seems Lavar hasn’t done much investigating. He seems more interested in all the glory from being Ball Ball’s manager.
Goon 83: Well, maybe he has been looking and he hasn’t found anything. Or maybe he just keeps it in a different location, the clues I mean.
Ball Ball: No, man. He’s not been looking. He’s been too busy cooking up silly schemes for Ball Ball. Ball Ball just wants to find out who did this to Ball Ball. Ball Ball is tired of living with Ball Ball’s self. Where the fuck is Lavar anyways?
Goon 83: Man, I came here because I thought he was with you. He’s been missing the last couple days hasn’t he? Where do you think he has been if not here?
Ball Ball: Ball Ball doesn’t know, but Ball Ball does know one thing. If he doesn’t pick up the phone, Ball Ball is gonna go Ball Ball’s separate way again. Ball Ball was just fine without Lavar riding the coattails.
Ball Ball pulls out his phone and dials up Lavar’s name. The phone starts ringing. A sound could be heard from the back room. It was the generic iPhone ringtone. Ball ball and Goon 83 run into the back room and look in the utilities closet to see the one and only, Lavar Ball. He was tied up with tape over his mouth. He starts muffling some nonsense as Goon 83 begins to untie him.
Ball Ball: Lavar? What the fuck man? How long have you been here?
Lavar: Boy! I was here looking for the damn mysterious stranger! How long have you been here not cleaning up this damn establishment? Nobody checks the damn cleaning cupboard?
Ball Ball: Listen, man. Ball Ball isn’t here to clean up the establishment. Ball Ball is here to clean up the competition. Ball Ball just sometimes makes the damn soup. Plus, Ball Ball had to shut down the damn wrestling school that you said would be a good idea. Clearly that was a bust.
Lavar: That was a damn good idea. You’re ass went and blew it. But that’s beside the point. I got this new great idea and I think it’s really going to help you with everything that’s been going on.
Goon 83: Okay, but what about the mysterious stranger, and why the hell were you tied up?
Lavar: I’ll tell you all about that later, right now, we got business to tend to. Everyone follow me!
Lavar scurries into the main room of the Souper Kitchen. He reaches into a bag and pulls out a laptop and starts booting it up. Ball Ball and Goon 83 reluctantly follow him into the room and sit next to him.
Lavar: Now listen. Ball Ball, being surrounded by men all the time? That’s not good for your mental health. So here is a website you can go on, you can find yourself a woman and start talking with that woman. It’s brilliant! Relieve some stress my boy!
Ball Ball: Are you fucking kidding me Lavar? This is not what Ball Ball is worried about right now! Ball ball wants to find the fucking myster-
Lavar: Blah blah blah! Mysterious stranger this, mysterious stranger that! I told you I’m taking care of it. Now you go on this website, sign up and find yourself a match. I am going to find out more about the so called mysterious stranger. Perhaps we should give this guy a better name? I’m getting tired of saying mysterious stranger. Anywho, I’m out. Good luck Ball Ball!
Lavar leaves the building, leaving Goon 83 and Ball Ball sitting there together. They look at eachother, Goon 83 confused, while Ball Ball is angry.
Ball Ball: Whatever, why does Ball Ball need this? Ball Ball doesn’t want this.
Goon 83: Hey, Boss. Listen, this could maybe be good for you. Like he said, being around a bunch of men all the time is kind of gross. It’s like a sausage fest out here. I think maybe you should try it out at least. I’ll send some Goons to try and see if Lavar i actually looking for clues or anything. How’s that sound?
Ball Ball: Hmm…. Alright Chris, you always have Ball Ball’s back. Ball Ball trusts you. Send the Goons, Ball Ball will try this silly website out.
Goon 83 steps away to summon the Goons via mobile device, while Ball Ball signs up for the website. After a few minutes and a few verification steps, Ball ball was in. He begins to search for potential matches. But, after a few minutes of searching, all Ball Ball could find was men. Man after man and no women in sight. Ball Ball starts to get frustrated. He begins to contemplate his sexuality. He throws the laptop in anger. Goon 83 rushes back in to find out what’s wrong.
Goon 83: Boss! What’s wrong? What happened? Did you find a match?
Ball Ball: Does it look like Ball Ball found a match? The only damn matches Ball Ball finds are against bums. In the ring. Ball Ball can’t find a damn romantic match! It’s all fucking men! Is Ball Ball gay? Ball Ball can’t be gay!
Goon 83: Okay, hold on now. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. You need to slow down. Did you select the right settings? What if you accidentally selected you like men?
Ball Ball: Doesn’t fucking matter. This website sucks. Ball Ball needs the website gone. Find out who made it, and Ball Ball will take care of the rest.
Goon 83: This seems pretty irrelevant, you say Lavar has pretty irrelevant stuff but, I guess I’ll find out. Just a quick google search and… Boom. His name is Neil Clark Warren. The headquarters are in LA. Let’s get going.
Ball Ball: Perfect, this is why you’re Ball Ball’s right hand Goon.
~Friday, November 11th, 2022~
~Los Angeles, California~
Ball Ball and Goon 83 pull up right outside the headquarters of the dating website. Goon 83 puts the car in park as Ball Ball keeps his eyes set on the building.
Ball Ball: Alright Chris, stay out here. Ball Ball will be back soon.
Ball Ball exits the vehicle and heads straight to the front doors. He busts open the doors and security tries to stop him. But he’s just too strong. He pushes by everyone due to his massive stature. He goes into the staircase and heads to the top floor. His massive legs let him skip 4 steps at a time as he sprints up. As he reaches the top the sign of course says, employees only. He kicks down the door and heads into the main office. Sitting there, looking at him in fear, was the founder of the website. Neil Clark Warren.
Neil: Who.. Who are you and what do you want?
Ball Ball: You know who Ball Ball is. Ball Ball signed up for your website and you gave Ball Ball all men to match with. This is bogus. Ball Ball wants your website taken down. NOW.
Neil: Well, I don’t actually make the matches. Our website uses data based on your likes to find other people who like the same thing as you and match you together. If you got only men, there was an option at the start stating choose what gender you would prefer. You must have chosen men. That’s not our fau-
Ball Ball: Ball Ball did not fucking choose men! Ball Ball is a woman type of guy. Now if you don’t take down the website immediately, there will be consequences.
Neil: Well, I can’t take the website down, there’s been over 2 million matches made! I’m sure we can figure something out.
Ball Ball: Take it down, NOW!
Neil: I.. I can’t. You have to understand.
Ball Ball: Well then, fuck you, and your shitty website.
Ball Ball does what he does best. He absolutely starts beating on the founder of the website. Punch after punch and kick after kick. The founder, a poor old man, starts bleeding from every hole he has. Ball Ball grabs his neck, and starts strangling him. The old man struggles until finally, he stops breathing. Ball ball stands up, covered in the old man’s blood. But, he smiles. Ball Ball feels a little bit better about himself. Ball ball fixes his shirt, and heads back down the stairs. Alarms are going off and security starts going up the elevator as Ball Ball reaches the bottom of the stairs. Although he is a huge man, nobody sees him run out the front. He run back and jumps into the car as Goon 83 pulls off.
Goon 83: Holy shit! I heard the alarms! I saw the security! What did you do in there?
Ball Ball: Ball Ball took care of business. He said he wouldn’t take the website down. So Ball Ball took him down.
Goon 83: You killed him?
Ball Ball: Yes
Goon 83: Holy shit man, you killed the founder of eHarmony?
Ball Ball: Man, fuck eHarmony. Stupid name, stupid website. Hopefully without him, eHarmony will be no more. Back to Khartoum, Chris.
~Saturday, November 12th, 2022~
~Khartoum, Sudan~
Ball Ball and Goon 83 arrive back at the Souper Kitchen. Lavar sits there, waiting for them. He looks mad. As soon as they walk in, he confronts them.
Lavar: Boy! Where the hell have you been? I told you to meet someone on the dating site! I find out you’re not even in Sudan anymore? It’s not even possible to not find local singles in your area! What the fuck were you up to?
Goon 83: He took out eHarmony! Isn’t he just the coolest? Whatever this guy wants, he gets!
Lavar: Wait wait. You took out Harmony? Isn’t the match on Monday? Why’d you take him out? Now you’re not going to get your belt opportunity. Why would you do this?
Ball Ball: Harmony? No no, eHarmony man! The website you told Ball Ball to go on. It should be gone right? Who the hell is Harmony?
Lavar: Harmon Egan? AKA Harmony? You don’t even know who you’re fighting on Monday? My god Ball Ball! Keep up man we’re trying to win out here!
Ball Ball: Oh well, whoever that is. Dudes a bum. Ball Ball isn’t about that guy. Ball Ball took out eHarmony, Ball Ball can take out Bum Harmony.