Post by Ehud Gray II on Apr 19, 2014 16:18:06 GMT -5
The screen flashes from black, to a moment of static, to the image of the outside of a Whole Foods in New Mexico. Standing outside the organist food market is Crazy Lou, the manager of Ehud of Moab. He is standing and looking at his iPhone when Ehud walks out of the market, looking very unhappy and walking quickly out into the parking lot.
Ehud: That is a ridiculous store... I couldn't find any of the ingredients that I needed for my HOBO STEW... these crazy hippies today are eating all sorts of crazy things and paying all sorts of crazy money for them. When I was a lad we'd eat DIRT and EARTH in order to survive. These hippies are eating much, much worse and they're doing it because they want to, not to survive. Bunch of sickos, that's what they are, if you ask me. Kinda like my opponents for this Monday - just a bunch of sick weirdos. We need to have a higher caliber of wrestler in OCW - not these low-life losers. This Carson fellow has been pretty quiet, but the Bounty Hunter has been airing lots of boring stuff... I mean... I just think it's time to push the envelope a little bit.
Crazy Lou follows Ehud as he walks into the parking lot.
Crazy Lou: What did you have in mind?
Ehud: Well, since my money got stolen by the Evil Menace known as Grimace, from the McDonald's commercials, we'll have to start earning a bit more money on the side... It takes a lot of shitty-American-currency to buy gold.
Crazy Lou cringes as he is reminded that Ehud refuses to use dollars and only accepts gold as currency.
Crazy Lou: So what's the plan?
Ehud: Well, you're going to need to get temporary work in each town that we're working in..
Crazy Lou: Can't I just sell the drugs?
Ehud: NO! You're not a drug dealer anymore!
Crazy Lou: YES! I am.
Ehud turns around and gives Crazy Lou and angry look and Lou stops in his tracks. Ehud looks as though he's going to start an argument about that, but stops himself. He points at a bunch of grocery-store carts left randomly throughout the parking lot.
Ehud: You're going to go collect every cart in this parking lot and bring them inside. Then go see the manager and ask for money. That's what we'd do back in the day when we needed emergency funds.
Crazy Lou: Uh... they usually have employees who do that...
Ehud: Well, they're clearly doing a shitty job of it.
Crazy Lou: They're not going to just hand me money because I did something for them... They didn't ask me to do it... That might have happened 60 years ago, but it's 2014 now.
Ehud looks confused.
Ehud: 2014...? Really? I thought it was still the 90s...
Ehud pulls out a pocket calendar for 1998 and looks in it.
Ehud: I missed an important meeting...
Crazy Lou looks at Ehud with concern as the old man flips through pages in his 1998 calendar, that he apparently is still using. Lou slowly backs away and then walks out into the parking lot and begins collecting the grocery carts. Ehud squints as he reads the calendar and shakes his head.
Ehud: I was supposed to go to the White House and meet President Clinton... I wonder if he's still president...
Ehud shakes his head and closes the calendar.
Ehud: Man... 2014... what the fuck am I doing here?
He asks, and then looks around the parking lot. He sees Crazy Lou walking toward him with about 10 carts pushed together.
Ehud: What the hell are you doing?
Crazy Lou: You told me to collect the carts, bring them inside, and ask for money....
Ehud: Dude, it's 2014... that's not going to work. You're going to need to make money using technology. I'm very weary of things like computers, the internet, electric toasters, pressure cookers, and color television.. but you seem to be kinda tech-savvy. We should create an iPhone APP that can be used to rate the quality of liver and onions at various restaurants.. that way when you get to a place, you'll know if your liver and onions are going to be good or not before they even serve it to you.
Crazy Lou: Uh... what if you could rate more than Liver and Onions... like the whole meal?
Ehud: THAT'S GENIUS!
Crazy Lou: It's also called Yelp and already exists...
Ehud thinks this over, obviously puzzled that someone had already thought of this. Ehud puts his hands on his forehead and looks very frustrated.
Ehud: Well I just don't know how we're going to earn some quick cash then... I guess I'll just have to keep winning wrestling matches. Maybe I can see if President Dean can use you as a stagehand, since you don't really do much at these shows...
Crazy Lou: But I have the important task of managing you!
Ehud: No. I do all of the work in my matches, so there's not much for you to do...
Lou looks very disappointed to hear this, but nods.
Ehud: By the way - what do you think of these competitors that I'm supposed to face on Monday? I haven't been blown away.
A man in a tie-dyed shirt walks by, headed with his own big canvas grocery bags toward Whole Foods, and Ehud shakes his head and mutters something about hippies.
Crazy Lou: I think you'll take care of business... as long as you still have the mad skills you had last week. The Bounty Hunter is kind of an unknown since he's never wrestled in OCW before... but you know... he's not impressed me with his mad skills so far this week. You, on the other hand, are clearly a world class boxer.... and are an old man... but you also have that wicked submission move. Man, I love professional wrestling.
Ehud nods.
Ehud: Yeah it is one hell of a sport... too bad folks like The Bounty Hunter and Carson are giving it a bad name... I mean... they're just not serious combatants.
Crazy Lou: Um... is that Grimace?
Crazy Lou points across the parking lot.
Ehud shakes his head.
Ehud: No... that's just a fat woman in an unflattering purple dress. I can sense the evil of Grimace long before I see him. He's not in New Mexico anymore... I feel like he has fled the state and taken my gold with him. He's probably using it for all sorts of horrible deeds like buying Kelsey Grammar's autobiography.
Crazy Lou shudders at the thought.
Crazy Lou: Well... we'd better start hitchhiking if we're going to get within walking distance of the arena by Sunday night.. I know you like to get there early in the morning and start taping your fists.
Ehud: It takes me several hours...
Crazy Lou nods understandingly.
Crazy Lou: So... listen... this time when someone pulls over to pick us up.... could we not beat the crap out of them and steal their car? This isn't Grand Theft Auto and eventually you're going to get arrested and there will be a big scandal about how an OCW wrestler was unstable and violent.
Ehud: I beat people up for a living now... I kinda am unstable and violent. Also, I feel like I missed an appointment today...
Ehud reaches into his pocket and pulls out the 1998 calendar again. Lou shakes his head and takes it away from him.
Crazy Lou: First of all.. it's not 1998... second of all, it's not September.. Third of all, I'm throwing this away and buying you a 2014 calendar. You need to always be on the ball, Ehud. You're not spring chicken, and losing a match could seriously damage your chances of a vibrant career. Any loss could lead to serious injuries - hell, any move you take could lead to serious injuries. You should probably just hang out outside the ring and let Bounty Hunter and Carson fight it out and then come in after they're both worn out... I mean... I get worried thinking about you wrestling. It's like watching grandpa go sky diving... you know he might be okay, but there's always the chance of.... SPLAT.
Ehud cringes at Lou's use of the word splat. He shakes his head.
Ehud: I don't think you've got anything to worry about this week. I'm going to clean out that ring, take out Bounty Hunter, take out Carson, and keep cleaning up OCW. Hopefully we'll get some high quality folks coming into OCW to replace these slackers that I keep beating.
Crazy Lou nods and the two men walk to the side of the road and stick out their thumbs, beginning their hitchhike to Truth or Consequences. The camera pans out a bit and the narrator begins speaking over some soft string-quartet music.
Narrator: Ehud had been through a lot... after leaving Moab, Utah, he found his manager Crazy Lou the Drug Dealer. However, after his first victory in Idaho, Ehud ran into trouble. While bicycling from Idaho to New Mexico he was hit by a car driven by his arch-nemesis Grimace. Grimace, who is apparently not a very nice guy, stole Ehud's gold and duffle bag. With Ehud's bike broken and his fortune gone, he is forced to hitchhike his way to New Mexico.. which really hasn't been going so well.. as you can see.
The scene fades to darkness as Ehud screams at a man driving a Honda that stopped to pick them up. Ehud rants and raves at the man that he should buy American-made automobiles and begins unloading a fury of punches on the short Asian guy.
Ehud: That is a ridiculous store... I couldn't find any of the ingredients that I needed for my HOBO STEW... these crazy hippies today are eating all sorts of crazy things and paying all sorts of crazy money for them. When I was a lad we'd eat DIRT and EARTH in order to survive. These hippies are eating much, much worse and they're doing it because they want to, not to survive. Bunch of sickos, that's what they are, if you ask me. Kinda like my opponents for this Monday - just a bunch of sick weirdos. We need to have a higher caliber of wrestler in OCW - not these low-life losers. This Carson fellow has been pretty quiet, but the Bounty Hunter has been airing lots of boring stuff... I mean... I just think it's time to push the envelope a little bit.
Crazy Lou follows Ehud as he walks into the parking lot.
Crazy Lou: What did you have in mind?
Ehud: Well, since my money got stolen by the Evil Menace known as Grimace, from the McDonald's commercials, we'll have to start earning a bit more money on the side... It takes a lot of shitty-American-currency to buy gold.
Crazy Lou cringes as he is reminded that Ehud refuses to use dollars and only accepts gold as currency.
Crazy Lou: So what's the plan?
Ehud: Well, you're going to need to get temporary work in each town that we're working in..
Crazy Lou: Can't I just sell the drugs?
Ehud: NO! You're not a drug dealer anymore!
Crazy Lou: YES! I am.
Ehud turns around and gives Crazy Lou and angry look and Lou stops in his tracks. Ehud looks as though he's going to start an argument about that, but stops himself. He points at a bunch of grocery-store carts left randomly throughout the parking lot.
Ehud: You're going to go collect every cart in this parking lot and bring them inside. Then go see the manager and ask for money. That's what we'd do back in the day when we needed emergency funds.
Crazy Lou: Uh... they usually have employees who do that...
Ehud: Well, they're clearly doing a shitty job of it.
Crazy Lou: They're not going to just hand me money because I did something for them... They didn't ask me to do it... That might have happened 60 years ago, but it's 2014 now.
Ehud looks confused.
Ehud: 2014...? Really? I thought it was still the 90s...
Ehud pulls out a pocket calendar for 1998 and looks in it.
Ehud: I missed an important meeting...
Crazy Lou looks at Ehud with concern as the old man flips through pages in his 1998 calendar, that he apparently is still using. Lou slowly backs away and then walks out into the parking lot and begins collecting the grocery carts. Ehud squints as he reads the calendar and shakes his head.
Ehud: I was supposed to go to the White House and meet President Clinton... I wonder if he's still president...
Ehud shakes his head and closes the calendar.
Ehud: Man... 2014... what the fuck am I doing here?
He asks, and then looks around the parking lot. He sees Crazy Lou walking toward him with about 10 carts pushed together.
Ehud: What the hell are you doing?
Crazy Lou: You told me to collect the carts, bring them inside, and ask for money....
Ehud: Dude, it's 2014... that's not going to work. You're going to need to make money using technology. I'm very weary of things like computers, the internet, electric toasters, pressure cookers, and color television.. but you seem to be kinda tech-savvy. We should create an iPhone APP that can be used to rate the quality of liver and onions at various restaurants.. that way when you get to a place, you'll know if your liver and onions are going to be good or not before they even serve it to you.
Crazy Lou: Uh... what if you could rate more than Liver and Onions... like the whole meal?
Ehud: THAT'S GENIUS!
Crazy Lou: It's also called Yelp and already exists...
Ehud thinks this over, obviously puzzled that someone had already thought of this. Ehud puts his hands on his forehead and looks very frustrated.
Ehud: Well I just don't know how we're going to earn some quick cash then... I guess I'll just have to keep winning wrestling matches. Maybe I can see if President Dean can use you as a stagehand, since you don't really do much at these shows...
Crazy Lou: But I have the important task of managing you!
Ehud: No. I do all of the work in my matches, so there's not much for you to do...
Lou looks very disappointed to hear this, but nods.
Ehud: By the way - what do you think of these competitors that I'm supposed to face on Monday? I haven't been blown away.
A man in a tie-dyed shirt walks by, headed with his own big canvas grocery bags toward Whole Foods, and Ehud shakes his head and mutters something about hippies.
Crazy Lou: I think you'll take care of business... as long as you still have the mad skills you had last week. The Bounty Hunter is kind of an unknown since he's never wrestled in OCW before... but you know... he's not impressed me with his mad skills so far this week. You, on the other hand, are clearly a world class boxer.... and are an old man... but you also have that wicked submission move. Man, I love professional wrestling.
Ehud nods.
Ehud: Yeah it is one hell of a sport... too bad folks like The Bounty Hunter and Carson are giving it a bad name... I mean... they're just not serious combatants.
Crazy Lou: Um... is that Grimace?
Crazy Lou points across the parking lot.
Ehud shakes his head.
Ehud: No... that's just a fat woman in an unflattering purple dress. I can sense the evil of Grimace long before I see him. He's not in New Mexico anymore... I feel like he has fled the state and taken my gold with him. He's probably using it for all sorts of horrible deeds like buying Kelsey Grammar's autobiography.
Crazy Lou shudders at the thought.
Crazy Lou: Well... we'd better start hitchhiking if we're going to get within walking distance of the arena by Sunday night.. I know you like to get there early in the morning and start taping your fists.
Ehud: It takes me several hours...
Crazy Lou nods understandingly.
Crazy Lou: So... listen... this time when someone pulls over to pick us up.... could we not beat the crap out of them and steal their car? This isn't Grand Theft Auto and eventually you're going to get arrested and there will be a big scandal about how an OCW wrestler was unstable and violent.
Ehud: I beat people up for a living now... I kinda am unstable and violent. Also, I feel like I missed an appointment today...
Ehud reaches into his pocket and pulls out the 1998 calendar again. Lou shakes his head and takes it away from him.
Crazy Lou: First of all.. it's not 1998... second of all, it's not September.. Third of all, I'm throwing this away and buying you a 2014 calendar. You need to always be on the ball, Ehud. You're not spring chicken, and losing a match could seriously damage your chances of a vibrant career. Any loss could lead to serious injuries - hell, any move you take could lead to serious injuries. You should probably just hang out outside the ring and let Bounty Hunter and Carson fight it out and then come in after they're both worn out... I mean... I get worried thinking about you wrestling. It's like watching grandpa go sky diving... you know he might be okay, but there's always the chance of.... SPLAT.
Ehud cringes at Lou's use of the word splat. He shakes his head.
Ehud: I don't think you've got anything to worry about this week. I'm going to clean out that ring, take out Bounty Hunter, take out Carson, and keep cleaning up OCW. Hopefully we'll get some high quality folks coming into OCW to replace these slackers that I keep beating.
Crazy Lou nods and the two men walk to the side of the road and stick out their thumbs, beginning their hitchhike to Truth or Consequences. The camera pans out a bit and the narrator begins speaking over some soft string-quartet music.
Narrator: Ehud had been through a lot... after leaving Moab, Utah, he found his manager Crazy Lou the Drug Dealer. However, after his first victory in Idaho, Ehud ran into trouble. While bicycling from Idaho to New Mexico he was hit by a car driven by his arch-nemesis Grimace. Grimace, who is apparently not a very nice guy, stole Ehud's gold and duffle bag. With Ehud's bike broken and his fortune gone, he is forced to hitchhike his way to New Mexico.. which really hasn't been going so well.. as you can see.
The scene fades to darkness as Ehud screams at a man driving a Honda that stopped to pick them up. Ehud rants and raves at the man that he should buy American-made automobiles and begins unloading a fury of punches on the short Asian guy.