TIME TRAVELING GRIMACE, Stolen Gold and Car, Hitler and WWII

[Ehud Gray II]

The screen flashes from black, to a moment of static, to the image of Ehud of Moab laying at the side of the road. Beside him is Crazy Lou the Drug Dealer, his new manager, and the mangled remains of his bicycle. It appears as though they were hit by a car, or bus, or train, or something, while bicycling toward the OCW show this Monday. Ehud had, if you recall, refused to drive to the last show and instead decided to bike the journey from Moab, Utah to Idaho.  Apparently he had decided to continue the bike-trek and travel from Idaho to New Mexico. The two men appeared to be unconscious and lifeless and all was still around them.

Then, from out of nowhere seemingly, Grimace – the giant purple thing from McDonald’s commercials – emerged onto the scene. The giant creature, looking very happy with his giant smile and big creepy lifeless eyes, moved toward the two. It walked first to Crazy Lou the Drug Dealer and gave him a little kick. Lou groaned but didn’t move much. Then Grimace, the sadistic soulless purple creature, walked over to Ehud and gave him a kick. Ehud rolled over, groaning. Grimace looked down at him and stomped on him with his giant purple foot. Ehud groaned and rolled onto his stomach, trying to protect his vital organs. Grimace didn’t say anything – that creature doesn’t talk, does he? – but then he moved past the mangled remains of Ehud’s bicycle and grabbed onto Ehud’s duffle bag. The duffle bag, which we had seen in the last episode, was full of gold bars which were Ehud’s sole savings since he didn’t believe in the currency of the day… or banks. Grimace had trouble lifting the duffle bag, after all it contained millions of dollars’ worth of gold bars, but he did. And then the sick, twisted, demented purple creature slowly waddled out of view.

In the background one could hear a car door closing, and then a car start, and then the sound of tires burning rubber as a car zoomed away. Ehud and Lou had been hit, kicked, robbed, and now their demented nemesis had sped away leaving them to die. Both men laid motionless as the scene slowly faded to darkness.

Narrator: All hope was seemingly lost for our hero, brave Ehud of Moab, as he had been hit by a car… apparently driven by Grimace? Is this for real? I mean.. I’m reading what’s written here on the script, but did the old dude really get hit by a car driven by the big weird purple thing from the McDonald’s commercials?

Someone off camera: Yes! Stop going off script! We only have enough funding to do this thing in one take! You’re still on! READ! READ! READ!

Narrator (suddenly sounding nervous): uh.. oh. Okay. The car was apparently driven by Grimace of McDonald’s notariaty. Had Grimace’s intents been to destroy Ehud’s chances of a lucrative OCW career? Had Grimace just wanted Ehud’s millions of dollars’ worth of gold bars? Was something much darker at play? Is Grimace part of a satanic cult that worships the devil and wishes to rid the world of upstanding citizens like Ehud? Only time will tell, my friends. Only time. Will. Tell.

The scene brightens up again and Ehud and Crazy Lou are still lying at the side of the road. However, they both start to move at the same time. Then Ehud sat up, and a moment later so did Crazy Lou. The two looked at each other, their eyes foggy and confused, both of their faces and hands covered with scrapes and minor bruising.

Ehud: Man, we got hit by a car.

Crazy Lou: Yeah, man. That sucks. Looks like the bike is destroyed.

Ehud looked over at the bike and his crazy drug-dealing manager was right, it was destroyed. Both tires were now shaped like whacky islands and not perfect circles. The handlebars were all eschew and the seat was no longer attached.

Ehud: That sucks.. That bike was worth upwards of $100 when I purchased it 40 years ago… It would be worth millions today and these kids today don’t really appreciate what they have.. I mean, back in my day I had to work for months milking the mules just to buy a single candy bar... and it cost a million dollars... and a million dollars used to really be a lot of money back in the d-… WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DUFFLE BAG?

Ehud jumped to his feet and survey the wreckage. His eyes became large and full of panic. He looked at Lou and shook his head.

Ehud: If you stole my duffle bag, I solemnly swear I will murder you.

Crazy Lou: NO! MAN! I’d never take that..

Ehud walked over to wear the tire-tracks were and looked at the ground. The camera zoomed in and showed an awful lot of purple fur in the foot prints that went from the car to where they had woken up. Ehud lifted up a tuft of purple fur and held it up in the air, looking at it in the sun’s rays. He squinted and then brought the fur up to his nose. He took a long, detailed-oriented smell of the fur. Then he, rather disturbingly, stuck the purple fur in his mouth and tasted it.

Ehud: My worst fears have become a reality… He’s escaped.

Crazy Lou: Who has escaped?

Ehud: My mortal enemy.. the man I hate more than any other in the entire universe. A man so diabolical that he would run over an old man and a drug dealer with his car to steal my millions of dollars that took a life-time of work and justice to accumulate, and not even think twice about it and then drive away.

Crazy Lou: What a bastard.. wait, what did you say about millions of dollars?

Ehud: Oh.. that duffle bag.. It had about seven million dollars in it.

Crazy Lou’s jaw dropped.

Crazy Lou: SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS CASH? DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN BANKS?

Ehud: No, banks are the enemy.  They're just a stupid ponzi scheme...

Crazy Lou: No, I think the enemy is the guy who ran us over with a car and stole your money. Banks don’t do shit like that.

Ehud: No, they do much worse…

Crazy Lou: Okay enough about banks.. who is this mortal enemy of yours?

Ehud: His name is Grimace. His primary occupation is being a character in McDonald’s commercials.

Crazy Lou just stares at Ehud as though he’s completely lost it.

Ehud: He came to Moab once to open our first McDonald’s. But I could tell, when I looked in the eyes of the giant purple beast, that he was pure evil. So I did the only thing that I could, I set that mother fucker on fire.

Crazy Lou: WHAT THE FUCK? WHY!?

Ehud: Because I knew he had come to Moab to destroy our town. I had to set that crazy purple bastard on fire. And he went up in flames. Apparently the costume is HIGHLY flammable. But after the fire had been stomped out by the local Knights of Columbus executive council, they never found the man who was inside the costume. Many thought that he had burned to death in the terrible Grimace-related fire.. but I knew better. I knew he had gone into hiding. Kinda like Voldemort in those crazy children’s books.... he had been imprisoned in his mind someplace... without a body... but now he's escaped from that prison and acquired a body... a giant, purple body.

Crazy Lou: And now he’s come back?

Ehud: I’ve seen the purple fur.. I’ve smelled the greasy smell.. I’ve tasted the highly-flammable flavor of his disgusting hair. I know it’s him. He has my money, and he won’t be easy to find.

Crazy Lou manages to pull himself to his feet and walks up to Ehud.

Crazy Lou: It’s going to be difficult to find a weird guy riding a dented up car and wearing a Grimace costume?

Ehud: Nearly impossible.. you see, he has.. Magical Powers.

Crazy Lou just stares at Ehud again, not knowing what to make of all this.

Ehud: The Grimace… The Grimace is a dark and terrifying creature. It can travel through space and time…

Crazy Lou: So why doesn’t he just go back in time and set you on fire before you set him on fire?

Ehud: He’s much too dark and disturbed to do that. He desires instead to make me pay for what I’ve done. He won’t stop until everything I know and love is gone. First my money, then he’ll brutally murder my manager, then he’ll start costing me matches in OCW… This man is pure evil.

Crazy Lou: What was that about your manager?

Ehud: Err.. nothing. I said nothing.

Ehud looks around, obviously frustrated and not knowing what they are going to do.

Ehud: Well, we have no bike now... so we're going to have to hitchhike to get to New Mexico for the OCW show on Monday... where I'm set to face The Bounty Hunter and James Carson... Know anything about them?

Crazy Lou: Yeah.. the Bounty Hunter's not wrestled in OCW yet, so he's kind of a wild card... but James Carson you should be able to knock out with your punch fairly easily. I mean.. you do have a mean punch. You kicked that woman's ass last week.

Ehud: I don't fight women... she was a beast.

Crazy Lou shrugs.

Crazy Lou: So... do you think someone will pick us up.

Ehud: Yes, when we see a car you start freaking out and I'll fake a heart attack. They will stop.

Lou nods, appreciating Ehud's dark idea. The screen flashes to darkness and text appears that reads "SEVERAL HOURS LATER" and then we go back to the side of the road. Ehud grabs his chest and falls over. Crazy Lou begins jumping up and down and then a car slows down and stops beside them. A man jumps out of the car and runs over to Ehud, who is grabbing his chest and making awful noises. The man looks down at him with wide eyes.

Driver (thick German accent): OH MY GOODNESS! Are you okay?

Ehud's expression changes and he stands up, looking at the man with fiery eyes.

Ehud: You some kinda German?

Driver: Yes, I come to this country to help with engineering..

Ehud: You with the Nazi party?

Standing behind Ehud is Crazy Lou who's eyes grow large with terror as Ehud begins questioning the German driver.

Driver: Wha...? The Nazi party was eliminated in Germany before I was alive...

Ehud: You know Hitler? You a friend of his!?  YOU AND ADOLF GO WAY BACK?  YOU OLD BUDDIES?!

Ehud's face grows angrier as Crazy Lou's eyes get wider and more terrified, watching the scene.

Driver: Hit..? I think you're mistaken, my good-

Ehud's fist comes out of nowhere and hits the young German man in the left eye. He goes down like a sack of potatoes.

Crazy Lou: WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US A RIDE...

Ehud: It's wartime and we're not going to fraternize with the enemy. He's probably involved with Hitler's plot to overtake Europe... and we don't go for that sort of shit. We're here to overtake OCW, continuing this week with victories over the Bounty Hunter and Carson, but we aren't involved in true global conquest.

Lou just looks at him as though he's nuts.

Ehud: You know how to drive, son?

Crazy Lou nods at him, looking afraid still.

Ehud: Well get in the driver's seat, we're taking this Nazi's car and we're heading to Salt Lake City.. this week, I'll beat these two idiots,... next week, we'll find my gold and we'll be back on schedule for OCW-DOMINATION.

Crazy Lou walks slowly to the car and opens the door, getting behind the drivers seat. Ehud also moves slowly (because of his age) and gets in the passenger seat. The German man, still unconscious on the ground, is left there. The car, still running, begins moving and the camera is left at the side of the road. The scene fades to darkness. The black screen is interrupted by text that says "THE NEXT DAY, A BAR IN NEW MEXICO," and the darkness lightens to a scene in a bar. The walls are painted a very loud yellow color and a number of older Latino guys are seated around the bar. The door in the background opens and Ehud walks in by himself. He walks up to the bar and has a seat.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Ehud: I'll take a Tuxedo #2.

The bartender looks at him like he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Ehud: Ugh... you bartenders these days don't know classic cocktails... If you ever tasted a Tuxedo #2 you'd never have another drink as long as you lived... but I'll just have some gin..... maybe some ice with that.

The bartender doesn't say a word, but begins making the drink. The door opens again and Crazy Lou walks in and goes over to stand next to Ehud.

Crazy Lou: Hey boss.. I hid the car like you told me.. I saw a lot of midgets outside the bar and was worried for a second that they were here to protest your beating of Keg last week, but I see now that they were just hanging around the parking lot... like they used to have jobs, perhaps as wrestling managers, but now they have none. Maybe someone abandoned them...

Ehud: What are you babbling about? I beat Keg last week and I'm going to beat two more people this week.. and it ain't gonna stop until I'm OCW World Champion or something like that.. I'm pretty bad ass, if you haven't noticed..

Crazy Lou: Oh I have... and I'm sure Bounty Hunter and Carson have noticed also. I'm sure they're both formulating strategies...

The bartender sets down Lou's gin and he takes a good long sip.

Crazy Lou: Do you want to formulate a strategy also?

Ehud: I've got a strategy. I'm going to punch the hell out of them and maybe tap them out with the Moab Mule.

Crazy Lou: Do you really think it's going to be that easy?

Ehud: I do. I've got what it takes... and those two are going to be easy pickin'... it's Grimace that I worry about.. he's got the gold, so he's got a lot more resources than us. He could be stock piling weapons or hiring body guards.. He's probably living the good life and golfing, buying swimming pools, and eating organic foods... That's going to be something we're going to have to worry about.

Bartender: Grimace? You guys talking about that big purple guy? Someone in a Grimace costume apparently has been terrorizing some waitresses in the parking lot of this bar.

Crazy Lou's jaw dropped.

Crazy Lou: THIS BAR? Did you somehow know this, Ehud? Is that why we're here?

Ehud: I can sense evil, that's why I was such a good Sheriff.. I'd show up before any crime had even been commited and I'd just arrest whoever I wanted... and I knew that evil mother fucking purple creature was around these parts... We'll find him, Lou... and then my money will be mine...

In the background the door opens and a giant purple creature appears in the doorway, obviously t is Grimace. He sees Ehud sitting at the bar and turns, running out of the establishment. Lou's eyes grow wide and Ehud slowly rises to his feet.

Crazy Lou: THERE HE IS!

Ehud begins walking slowly toward the door, but by the time he gets there and opens the door the camera pans out to show Grimace's car speeding away.

Ehud: He knows we're here now.. He knows there's no escape... and there's nothing more dangerous than a cornered Grimace... Bounty Hunter and my other opponent will be easy to defeat.. this creature... this creature will take some work. But we'll do it..

He and Lou nod as they look out at the car speeding away, nodding, as the scene fades to darkness.