The words that changed everything: “I murdered my husband”

[Plethora the Perilous]

WEDNESDAY JULY 20, COLUMBUS OHIO

The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of Bifford, Earl, Martin Ka’Berryon, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer walking through a neighborhood. Martin appears at a few points to whisper something in a direction where nobody was. Bifford noticed and furrowed his brow, but said nothing. After a few moments, Martin points at a house with some mature trees in its yard and a lovely porch. The foursome stop as Martin begins speaking.

Martin: This is the house we will be living in for the duration of Kenny’s imprisonment and trial. It’s here in the fashionable German Village and it is an easy drive to the jail and the courthouse..

Bifford: This looks fine, Martin.. but.. but it’s kinda close to Kenny’s aunt and uncle’s house.. it might be weird if we.. you know.. see them.. seeing as they know we are killers and their nephew is going to jail for our crimes.. it just might.. you know, be awkward.

Martin: Well, we will just have to do a half-wave and keep driving if we see them, because I already put down the deposit. It’s a 6 bedroom house, it’s not cheap.

Behind the foursome the camera catches Kenny’s Aunt Bella, who appears to actually be actress Margo Martindale.. maybe. She is walking up behind the foursome, but they don’t notice her.

Bifford: Okay, we have a bunch of stuff that needs to get done before we head to Oklahoma for Massacre. First and foremost, we have to hire a lawyer for Kenny. I have a really crooked lawyer coming to meet us here.

Kenny’s aunt continues walking up behind them until she is right there. She reaches up and taps on Bifford’s shoulder. Bifford turns and sees her and then looks at Martin, hissing, “see? This is the problem.”

Bella: Hi there, I just wanted to tell y’all tha-

Bifford: Hi there.. Aunt Bella, is it? Listen, we are very busy and have a lot of important things to do in order to get ready for Kenny’s trial. Can you just go use some of that money that I gave you and your husband to entertain yourself?

Bifford turns to face his crew again, but the older woman’s hand reaches up and taps him on the shoulder again. Bifford glares at Martin with hatred and then turns to face the older lady again.

Bella: Listen, I just nee-

Bifford: We have lawyers coming. We are busy.

Bifford again turns to face his crew. This time there is no tapping on the shoulder, but she got all of their attention.

Bella: I murdered my husband.. I know that’s the sort of thing you people do.. so.. we can turn him into chicken sandwiches now. I want to join y’all and do all this criminal stuff.

All four of them just stare at each other in silence. What the hell is happening?

Bifford (turning to face Bella): Hold on.. you.. what?

Bella: I killed my husband.. Lenny or Denny or something. Stabbed him until he was dead. It felt great - I see why you people do that. Just fucking fantastic.. but we need to do something with that corpse right? I don’t have a freezer. I wanna join you all and get in on all the evil, crime, and killing.

Bifford just stares at the woman with his mouth open for a few moments. He has no idea what to say. “Excuse me one moment while I consult with my team,” he says, as he turns to face his crew of misfits.

Bifford (angrily whispering): What the hell is that?! Earl, you and Martin are gonna have to go take care of that corpse.. we don’t make sandwiches anymore.. yet.. so just burn it in acid like we’ve been doing.. or better yet.. make a meat pie and send it to Cass..

Earl: I hate the acid, but I hate making fucking human meat pies even more.

Bifford continues loudly and aggressively whispering to his team, but Aunt Bella noticed the tiny hand-held scythe on Bifford’s belt. She takes it off his belt without him noticing and begins walking around behind the foursome’s backs.

Martin: I thought I was going to help interview the lawyer.. I don’t want to dispose of a dead body!

Behind the backs of the four members of Team Bifford, a garbage truck stops. A garbage man jumps off the side of the truck and starts emptying cans. Aunt Bella walks up to him and slices his neck with the scythe. Blood goes shooting everywhere, but she appears to have cut his vocal cords as he makes no sounds, other than his corpse hitting the ground. The woman, who might be actress Margo Martindale, is covered in blood.

Bifford (the conversation continuing): We all have to be team players and do our different tasks. We couldn’t have FORESEEN this insane situation.. I have enough on my hands with that tree-wielding maniac, KILLER KAL.

Bella isn’t done there as she walks up the side of the garbage truck, opens the door of the driver and jumps into the cab, attacking him with the scythe in the background of the Bifford Team Meeting.

Bifford (finishing the conversation): So that settles it.. hold on, where did she go?

The four turn around and look for Aunt Bella, but she isn’t there. They see the corpse of the garbage man and the driver half hanging out of the garbage truck. “Oh you have to be kidding me..,” Bifford says as he three of them run into the street. “Shit, this bitch loves murder more than Bifford,” Earl mutters as he follows the rest.

Bifford: Earl, you and Buffy load these guys into the garbage truck, take the truck out into the country, and torch it. Martin, get to Kenny’s aunt and uncle’s house and take care of that corpse.. we have to move fast, this isn’t a remote area.

In the distance Bifford spots actress Margo Martindale who is wandering around the streets with the scythe looking for more random victims. Bifford runs up to her and grabs her by the arm, “come with me,” he says as he begins half-running into the house that Martin told them would be their’s. Bifford ushers her into the house and looks at her - she is covered in blood. “We gotta get you cleaned up,” he said, pulling her into the kitchen and over to the sink. As Bifford begins trying to clean up Aunt Bella, the doorbell rings. Bifford’s eyes grow in panic. He looks at the clock.

Bifford (under his breath): it’s the fucking lawyer.. why is everything falling apart? FINISH WASHING UP!

Bifford glares at Aunt Bella and takes the bloody scythe away from her. He throws it in the microwave and closes its door and then heads toward the front door as the doorbell rings a second time, looking over his shoulder as he walks to make sure Aunt Bella doesn’t go for the microwave. Bifford reaches the door and opens it, a black man wearing glasses and a suit walks in front of Bifford and into the entry way without waiting to be invited in.

Cook: Name is Cornelius Cook, Esquire. I hear you will be selecting the attorney for Kenny Patsasoglou. I am ready to defend him and make sure he is not taken advantage of by a biased system.. I will not let those bigots put him in jail because of the way he looks..

Bifford (looking confused): Kenny? Kenny’s a white guy. You looking for Killa Kali? Or Earl?

Cook: No, this ain’t about race.. But Kenny.. he wears glasses. This is a whole conspiracy against those who wear glasses. And also possibly pasta makers.

Bifford: Pasta makers?

Cook: Patsasoglou - his last name.. it means Son of a Pasta Maker. I know he’s felt oppression because of that.

Bifford stares at the lawyer for a moment, kinda confused about all that he is hearing. That stare is broken when Bella emerges from the kitchen. Her hands are cleaned, but the front of her blouse is covered in a lot of blood. Cornelius looks at her and then at Bifford and looks concerned.

Bella: You’re some sort of lawyer? Did I hear right? I might need a lawyer..

Cook: I’m one of the best defense lawyers in this whole city.

Bella: Well I killed my husband and then two garbage men just out front here.. I’ll definitely kill again..

Bifford bursts into laughter and grabs Bella by the shoulders. “This is my Aunt.. she.. she has her good days and her bad days.. sometimes she doesn’t know what is reality and what is a television show…” Bifford motions to the blood on her clothes, “we were butchering a deer and she.. well.. sometimes she doesn’t remember what is really going on.. come on, Aunt Bella.. let’s go have a seat in the parlor..” Bifford pulled her by the shoulders into a living room and sat her down on the couch. “You sit here and you shut up..”

Walking back into the entry way, Bifford greets Cornelius and smiles, trying to cover the chaos that he has just been through.

Bifford: Mr. Cook, you are hired.. thank you for doing this, we will be paying you, but you should go meet with Kenny immediately.

The two men shake hands as the scene fades to darkness.

SATURDAY JULY 16, NEW YORK, APARTMENT OF JAVIER CARLISLE

Sitting at his desk in silence, Javier Carlisle’s face had the expression of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was the journalist who broke the story of Kenny’s cannibal cabal and the man The Big Bifford had tried to bribe into silence. A ding sounded from his computer speaker, waking him from wherever in his mind he was. He looked at the monitor. It was the website of a bank in the Cayman Islands. Fifteen million American dollars had just been deposited in his account. He looked at the monitor without any hint of a smile, any glimmer of happiness. He looked miserable.

THURSDAY JULY 21, A PRIVATE JET HEADING TO OKLAHOMA

The scene opens up and we see Aunt Bella is duct taped into a plane seat, but looks happy as a clam. She smiles and looks around the mostly empty jet. The camera turns and goes behind her seat, where The Big Bifford is lounging.

Bifford: By the time we get to Truth or Consequences, KILLER KAL, it will be 7532 days since you attacked me with a tree and tried to keep me from winning the OCW Championship. I vanquished you and two of your friends like you were jokes and I won the belt. Killa Kali, you will go down with Outcast, Alice Knight, Veronica Strader, and the rest as being those who lose to Bifford. It won’t be a surprise for anyone when I pin you at Truth or Consequences - I mean, I’ve become unstoppable.. my reign will continue and I will take on all challengers. So KILLER KAL, when I pin you in New Mexico, just know that I take no real pleasure in it.. I would rather be pinning someone weaker. However, in that cage, you’ll find out what peril really is. You’re not fighting me, Kal.. you’re fighting Plethora. The Plethora that would have pinned Big Ronnie V in 3 minutes. The Plethora who will end a 7532 day rivalry that was long forgotten and will send you back into obscurity. Nobody remembered you before you returned, Kal; nobody will miss you once I finish you. Enjoy the limelight, Killer Kal.. it’s gonna be over really soon.

Bifford smirks at the camera and nods as in the background Aunt Bella can be heard asking the attendant if she can have a knife. “No knives!” Bifford shouts as he stands up and heads toward Aunt Bella.

FRIDAY JULY 22, COLUMBUS OHIO

Javier Carlisle is seated in his car. A heart beat can be heard. He exits his car and walks up to a building, entering it. He goes through a metal detector. The heart beat gets louder. He walks past countless people and then up to a glass window behind which a woman is working. The heart beat is deafeningly loud; and then it stops. She looks up at him and raises her eyebrows, as though silently asking what he wanted. “I need to see an inmate.. Kenny Patsasoglou.”

Darkness.