Oh Shit!! Crash is in an Oasis!
May 3, 2022 7:20:04 GMT -5
Dylan Thomas, Veronica Strader, and 1 more like this
Post by Crash Rodriguez on May 3, 2022 7:20:04 GMT -5
“I swear if the zebra hadn’t taken that sword, the kid would’ve impaled himself.”
“It was a katana.”
Crash and his representation Louis Pohl continue making their way through the backstage area.
“Sword, katana, machete, claymore. It’s all the same idea at the end of the day. A stick that cuts.”
“Speaking of machetes, Knife Man invited us out with that new friend of his. The guy apparently knows a good spot to relax.”
“Look, first things first, fuck Machete Phil, guy’s a giant pretentious cunt. I swear, I don’t see why Knifey’s been palling around with him. Secondly, relax? We can’t afford to relax. You want that Craze Championship then you better bet your ass we don’t have time to relax. No, from this point forward, we’re getting deep into trai-”
Lou’s phone vibrates inside his pocket, he looks at it rather intently, before sliding it back into his pocket.
“Nevermind. Your opponent is Gilbert.”
“Gilber?”
“Gilbert, with a ‘t’.”
Crash looks at Lou puzzled, trying to put a face to the name.
“But he died.”
“What?! He’s literally over in catering right now.”
The two men turn their heads to catering, and watch as the heavy spectacled dweeb eats a sandwich. Crash stares intently Gilbert begins to spazz out after dropping some mustard on his shirt pocket.
“Oh. Thought you meant Gottfried.”
“Why would I mean Gottfried? Why would you be in a match with a dead comedian?”
“Why was I in a match with a literal paranormal entity? There’s many things that don’t seem realistic going on here all the time. Hell, we just escaped an active volcano at the last second, like some kind of Michael Bay movie.”
“What kind of Michael Bay movie?”
“Transformers 2”
Lou shutters, both due to being reminded of the absolute trash that was Rise of the Fallen, and that Crash is right, OCW is a house of strange.
“Ok, fine. You have a point. So where’s Knifey and that other dipshit wanting to take us.”
“Us?”
“Yeah, you said they knew a place to relax.”
“They do, but… Lou, I’ll be honest, Phil just doesn’t really like you. He says it’s the mustache.”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY MUSTACHE?! I’ll have that piece of shit know babes dig the ‘stache. In fact, some women would die for it. You know they say a mustache is nature’s brush for the cli-”
“Lou, stop. Look, just go find something to do. Keep yourself busy. I’m gonna head out.”
Lou watches Crash leave, as the anguish of being left over fills him. Just as he goes to protest, a young blonde passes by, and he follows trying to strike conversation.
“Hey girl, I saw you checkin’ out the stache.”
~~~
Sometime later, Crash, Knife Man and Machete Phil push past some mild brush and are welcomed by a shining oasis. The scenic beauty of it all takes the breath from Crash’s lungs.
“This is truly beautiful.”
“I was sure you’d appreciate the natural sights. They are indeed quite splendorous. Please, step into the water, I hope you find it as wondrous as me and my fellow companion ”
“Yeah, yeah, natural water and splinters and whatever. You guys wanna see my cannonball?”
Machete Phil and Knife Man turn to each other, before shrugging.
“Go on ahead, Mr. Rodriguez.”
As quickly as the words left his mouth, Crash found himself balled up and hurling into the water. As his body is submerged a wave of excitement sweeps over him before whirling down. The water against his skin feels… Well it doesn’t. Crash opens his eyes, seeing what was once a small watering hole has become expansive as the Pacific. His confusion is quickly replaced with wonder and curiosity as he swims along the ocean floor. Koi fish, eels, and trout all pass him by, as he brushes through kelp and seaweed. Crash looks up at the surface, watching as the light from above bends through the ocean, leaving behind beautiful rays.
“This is absolutely insane.”
Crash’s eyes shoot wide, he grasps at his throat. How could he forget that he can’t breathe underwater. He panics, kicking off the ocean floor and darting towards the surface.
“Wait… How am I talking?”
Just as the words leave Crash’s mouth, the ocean around him begins to vanish into nothing, leaving him alone in the void.
“What the absolute fuck is going on!”
He looks around, looking for anything. Every attempt he makes to ground himself back to reality only rewards him with the same empty void.
“It’s been a long time”
Crash whips around, scanning for the source of the voice, but again finding only the abyss.
“Where are you? Better yet, who are you?”
“Have you forgotten me so soon, my son?”
“M-mom?”
“Oh yes, my baby boy, I’m right here.”
Crash turns around and sees his mother alive, right in front of him, after 11 years. He can’t believe his eyes, and before he even realizes it he’s within her arms, again. He closes his eyes, as the warmth fills a part of him long left empty.
“I… Mom, I’m so sor-... I should’ve listened to you. Mom? Mama?”
Crash opens his eyes, his mother is gone, replaced by the void.
“MOM! MOM, COME BACK!”
“Hahaha, mommy’s still a sore subject huh?”
“Where are you, I’ll fucking kill you!”
Crash takes off into the vast emptiness, heading nowhere. A few minutes pass, and Crash stops to breathe.
“What’s going on?”
“You left me behind.”
“Do you understand how little that narrows it down?”
“You tried to kill me.”
“That doesn't help either.”
“You buried me.”
“No way. I never handle the bodies myself.”
“Oh, but you did. Sadly, you only succeeded in killing yourself.”
“No. Wait. You’re fucking with me, I’m dead? From a cannonball? In Africa? Oh my fuck, I can see OCW Newsline now, ‘Crash Rodriguez died swimming in Djibouti’. The jokes will write themselves.”
A few moments of silence pass, before Crash breaks the silence.
“Hello? Are you there? What happens now? Is this it? No heaven? Oh who am I kidding, no hell?”
Crash waits unanswered.
“HELLOO?!”
Alone in the void, Crash sits curling into a ball, before closing his eyes.
“Mr. Rodriguez, we really should be going now.”
Crash opens his eyes, finding himself back in the oasis. He feels his feet bounce along the sand beneath the water.
“What’s going on?”
“Whatever do you mean? We were just on our way back. Afterall, 7 hours is a long time to sit doing nothing.”
Crash stands there confused, he’s had blackouts before, he’s tried to keep them underwraps, but this was different. Usually he’s reliving memories, not hallucinating. He shakes the thoughts from his head, before stepping out of the water.
“Might as well join you, fine gentleman.”
“It was a katana.”
Crash and his representation Louis Pohl continue making their way through the backstage area.
“Sword, katana, machete, claymore. It’s all the same idea at the end of the day. A stick that cuts.”
“Speaking of machetes, Knife Man invited us out with that new friend of his. The guy apparently knows a good spot to relax.”
“Look, first things first, fuck Machete Phil, guy’s a giant pretentious cunt. I swear, I don’t see why Knifey’s been palling around with him. Secondly, relax? We can’t afford to relax. You want that Craze Championship then you better bet your ass we don’t have time to relax. No, from this point forward, we’re getting deep into trai-”
Lou’s phone vibrates inside his pocket, he looks at it rather intently, before sliding it back into his pocket.
“Nevermind. Your opponent is Gilbert.”
“Gilber?”
“Gilbert, with a ‘t’.”
Crash looks at Lou puzzled, trying to put a face to the name.
“But he died.”
“What?! He’s literally over in catering right now.”
The two men turn their heads to catering, and watch as the heavy spectacled dweeb eats a sandwich. Crash stares intently Gilbert begins to spazz out after dropping some mustard on his shirt pocket.
“Oh. Thought you meant Gottfried.”
“Why would I mean Gottfried? Why would you be in a match with a dead comedian?”
“Why was I in a match with a literal paranormal entity? There’s many things that don’t seem realistic going on here all the time. Hell, we just escaped an active volcano at the last second, like some kind of Michael Bay movie.”
“What kind of Michael Bay movie?”
“Transformers 2”
Lou shutters, both due to being reminded of the absolute trash that was Rise of the Fallen, and that Crash is right, OCW is a house of strange.
“Ok, fine. You have a point. So where’s Knifey and that other dipshit wanting to take us.”
“Us?”
“Yeah, you said they knew a place to relax.”
“They do, but… Lou, I’ll be honest, Phil just doesn’t really like you. He says it’s the mustache.”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY MUSTACHE?! I’ll have that piece of shit know babes dig the ‘stache. In fact, some women would die for it. You know they say a mustache is nature’s brush for the cli-”
“Lou, stop. Look, just go find something to do. Keep yourself busy. I’m gonna head out.”
Lou watches Crash leave, as the anguish of being left over fills him. Just as he goes to protest, a young blonde passes by, and he follows trying to strike conversation.
“Hey girl, I saw you checkin’ out the stache.”
~~~
Sometime later, Crash, Knife Man and Machete Phil push past some mild brush and are welcomed by a shining oasis. The scenic beauty of it all takes the breath from Crash’s lungs.
“This is truly beautiful.”
“I was sure you’d appreciate the natural sights. They are indeed quite splendorous. Please, step into the water, I hope you find it as wondrous as me and my fellow companion ”
“Yeah, yeah, natural water and splinters and whatever. You guys wanna see my cannonball?”
Machete Phil and Knife Man turn to each other, before shrugging.
“Go on ahead, Mr. Rodriguez.”
As quickly as the words left his mouth, Crash found himself balled up and hurling into the water. As his body is submerged a wave of excitement sweeps over him before whirling down. The water against his skin feels… Well it doesn’t. Crash opens his eyes, seeing what was once a small watering hole has become expansive as the Pacific. His confusion is quickly replaced with wonder and curiosity as he swims along the ocean floor. Koi fish, eels, and trout all pass him by, as he brushes through kelp and seaweed. Crash looks up at the surface, watching as the light from above bends through the ocean, leaving behind beautiful rays.
“This is absolutely insane.”
Crash’s eyes shoot wide, he grasps at his throat. How could he forget that he can’t breathe underwater. He panics, kicking off the ocean floor and darting towards the surface.
“Wait… How am I talking?”
Just as the words leave Crash’s mouth, the ocean around him begins to vanish into nothing, leaving him alone in the void.
“What the absolute fuck is going on!”
He looks around, looking for anything. Every attempt he makes to ground himself back to reality only rewards him with the same empty void.
“It’s been a long time”
Crash whips around, scanning for the source of the voice, but again finding only the abyss.
“Where are you? Better yet, who are you?”
“Have you forgotten me so soon, my son?”
“M-mom?”
“Oh yes, my baby boy, I’m right here.”
Crash turns around and sees his mother alive, right in front of him, after 11 years. He can’t believe his eyes, and before he even realizes it he’s within her arms, again. He closes his eyes, as the warmth fills a part of him long left empty.
“I… Mom, I’m so sor-... I should’ve listened to you. Mom? Mama?”
Crash opens his eyes, his mother is gone, replaced by the void.
“MOM! MOM, COME BACK!”
“Hahaha, mommy’s still a sore subject huh?”
“Where are you, I’ll fucking kill you!”
Crash takes off into the vast emptiness, heading nowhere. A few minutes pass, and Crash stops to breathe.
“What’s going on?”
“You left me behind.”
“Do you understand how little that narrows it down?”
“You tried to kill me.”
“That doesn't help either.”
“You buried me.”
“No way. I never handle the bodies myself.”
“Oh, but you did. Sadly, you only succeeded in killing yourself.”
“No. Wait. You’re fucking with me, I’m dead? From a cannonball? In Africa? Oh my fuck, I can see OCW Newsline now, ‘Crash Rodriguez died swimming in Djibouti’. The jokes will write themselves.”
A few moments of silence pass, before Crash breaks the silence.
“Hello? Are you there? What happens now? Is this it? No heaven? Oh who am I kidding, no hell?”
Crash waits unanswered.
“HELLOO?!”
Alone in the void, Crash sits curling into a ball, before closing his eyes.
“Mr. Rodriguez, we really should be going now.”
Crash opens his eyes, finding himself back in the oasis. He feels his feet bounce along the sand beneath the water.
“What’s going on?”
“Whatever do you mean? We were just on our way back. Afterall, 7 hours is a long time to sit doing nothing.”
Crash stands there confused, he’s had blackouts before, he’s tried to keep them underwraps, but this was different. Usually he’s reliving memories, not hallucinating. He shakes the thoughts from his head, before stepping out of the water.
“Might as well join you, fine gentleman.”