A Feud 21 years in the making explained.. Bifford’s Samosas

[Plethora the Perilous]

TUESDAY, DJIBOUTI

The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of The Big Bifford, Earl the Popcorn Salesman, and Kenny the Intern standing in the parking lot outside of a shopping center. The people walking around the parking lot and the front of the shopping center appear to be a diverse group of people in both age and ethnicity. One shop is covered from sidewalk to roof with cardboard and duct tape.

Kenny: Why are we here, Bifford?

Bifford: Why are we here in Djibouti?

Kenny: I know why we are in the country, Biff.. why are we at this strip mall? And why aren’t you wearing the robe?

Bifford (laughing): Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.. Plethora wears the robe. I’m Biff. I’m retired. I don’t wrestle anymore. They told me I shouldn’t wrestle ever again.

Kenny: I think they meant you shouldn’t ever be seen or heard from ever again.

Bifford (rolling his eyes): Good luck with that one..

Kenny (getting frustrated): Why are we at this strip mall and why is that one store covered like all the Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken stores were covered before their grand openings?

Bifford: Because.. WE ARE OPENING A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT RIGHT HERE IN DJIBOUTI!

Earl (shaking his head): Biff.. man.. I was at that meeting. You’re not allowed to open any Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken.. you sold the rights to that.

Bifford: It’s not going to be sandwiches..

Earl: You have a non-compete clause - I was in that meeting. Bifford, you will get sued or go to jail if you open a fast food restaurant.

Bifford (laughing): Earl, you’re a popcorn salesman.. not a lawyer. My non-compete said I couldn’t open a fast-food restaurant anywhere in the world EXCEPT THREE COUNTRIES. One of those countries just happens to be Djibouti! Which is where OCW is right now!

Earl and Kenny just stare at Bifford with their mouths open. They can’t believe it.

Bifford: And so.. BIFFORD’S SAMOSAS OF CHICKEN is born! Kenny, I need you to go and start rounding the homeless..

Kenny: No.. no..

Bifford: Boris the Cannibal is on special assignment in New York City.. you will need to prepare all the meat for the samosas..

Kenny: No.. not this.. not again..

Bifford: Kenny, stop your rambling, go find the homeless, murder the homeless, prepare the chicken, form them into samosas, and then we open.. and we show Djibouti just how good chicken can taste..

Earl (shaking his head): We all goin’ to prison.

The scene fades out and then back into a laboratory where some scientists in white coats are working with various tools of science. Suddenly there’s a knock in the distance.

WEDNESDAY, NEW YORK CITY

One of the scientists turns and sees a face in the window of the lab door. Boris the Cannibal is looking in. The scientist hurries to the door and opens it.

Scientist: Ladies and gentlemen, do I have a treat for you.. this is Dr. Boris Novikov, the world renown biologist and expert in tissue identification!

The other scientists jump from their lab stools and gather around Boris, who looks a bit overwhelmed with the response.

Scientist: Dr. Novikov,..

Boris: Please call me Boris, we are all colleagues here!

The scientists seem very pleased that Boris has called them colleagues.

Scientist: Boris, we are looking at samples of chicken sandwiches this week. There is some.. concern.. that an almost-nation-side chicken franchise was.. using human meat in place of chicken.

Boris (gasping): Truly horrifying..

Scientist: Dr. Novikov.. err.. Boris.. would you give a look and give us your opinions?

The scientist motions to a row of microscopes set up across several lab stations.

Boris (walking over to the microscopes): As you Americans say.. Don’t mind if I do..

Boris walks over and begins looking into the microscopes. “Chicken,” he said confidently before moving to the next microscope. “Chicken,” he repeated again, going down the line, saying “Chicken” after looking into each. At the end of the row he turns and looks at the scientists, smirking and laughing a bit.

Boris: You guys couldn’t identify that they were all chicken?

Scientist (seeming uncomfortable): I mean.. we could.. but.. we wanted.. the first-and-foremost-tissue identifier’s opinion, since it was such an.. odd.. and sensitive subject.

Boris (laughing): Just a bunch of chicken, guys..

Other scientist: Wait.. what about the one we were still thawing?

The main scientist nods and runs over to the side, returning with another chicken sample. He sets it under a clean and unused microscope. “Just to be safe, would you check this one?” the scientist asked. Boris walks up and looks into the microscope. He slowly turns to look at the scientists, his face looking very stoic.

Boris: I was hoping this wasn’t going to happen.. you’re all boney and not really my types..

And with that Boris charged at the scientists and the scene turns red and then fades out as Boris begins slaughtering every scientist in the lab, presumably based on his comments, to eat them.

THURSDAY, DJIBOUTI

The scene opens up with Kenny the Intern and Earl the Popcorn Salesman in a restaurant that clearly isn’t open yet. Both men seem a bit on edge as they just pace about, like they’re waiting for something.

Earl: So how’s the homeless murdering and chicken sandwich making going?

Kenny: Horrible.. and I make Samosas now..

Earl: Kinda like a pizza pocket.. pizza pocket full of human meat.

Kenny: Shut up. I hate this.

Both men’s phones vibrate at the same time. They pull out their phones and look at them. “Text from Boris,” Earl said even though Kenny was looking at the same group text, “he said he killed a lab full of scientists and that the secret is safe..” Both of their phones vibrate again. “Text from Bifford.. we are supposed to meet him at.. an address he sent. Bring his briefcase.”

Both men look at each other. Then they look at the briefcase sitting on a table in the corner of the empty restaurant.

Kenny: Take his briefcase? He never leaves it..

Earl: What do you think is in that thing?

Both men walk over to the table where the black briefcase is set.

Kenny: What if its full of scythes?

Earl: What if its full of orphan meat?

Kenny suddenly reaches forward and opens the briefcase. The inside of the briefcase is just full of papers.

Kenny: That’s definitely much less interesting..

Earl reaches forward and grabs a piece of paper from inside the briefcase.

Earl: These are dirt-sheets.

Kenny: Dirt sheets?

Earl: Internet wrestling newsletters.. from back in 2001.

Kenny: What?

Earl (reading): “Bifford, who won the title at Frost Bite III, isn’t really a character you would associate with the World Title. The championship, last held by the great Silverfreak, seems like more of an interim reign than an actual title reign.”

The two men stare at each other for a moment in silence. Earl grabs another piece of paper.

Earl (reading): “Bifford’s World Title win shocked the world: mostly that the title could go from someone like Silverfreak to waist midcarder so quickly.”

The two men just sit in silence for a moment, looking at the briefcase.

Kenny: When did Bifford start carrying this briefcase?

Earl: After he won the OCW Title the first time..

Reaching for the papers Earl was holding, Kenny put them back in the briefcase and closed it. The two men just stood in silence.

Kenny: This is why.. winning the title the first time from someone who wasn’t the Champion.. this is why he is obsessed with Silverfreak.

Earl: He won the title this time from the legitimate Champion..

Kenny: Not if in Bifford’s eyes the OCW Title has been illegitimate since his first reign..

Earl: And the only way to fix it..

Kenny: Is Bifford pinning Silverfreak..

The two men look up and at each other and realize they’re not alone. Standing in between them is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is very unclear to the home viewer if Buffy really exists or is just a figment of Bifford’s imagination. However, it’s clear that at this moment, both Kenny and Earl can see her.

Buffy: Carry the briefcase.. we’ve got work to do.

The scene fades to darkness.

THURSDAY, NEW YORK CITY

In a conference room at the New York Times, Rob Loyola sits looking over documents. The door swings open and Javier Carlsisle walks in, looking over documents. Rob, who is Javier’s boss, looks up at him.

Rob: What’s the news, Javier?

Javier: They’re all chicken.. the lab sent the results. Not a trace of human tissue.

Rob: Listen.. Javier.. I know you thought this was going to be your big break, but that will still come someday. This was a long shot, but good journalism on your part. Just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. Sometimes far out there stories are just far out there fiction.

Nodding his head, Javier begins walking toward the door. However, before he can get there the door swings open and Vincent Sotomayor, the New York Time’s fact checker, walks in.

Vincent: Did you guys see this police bulletin? A whole lab of scientists were slaughtered yesterday in the most brutal fashion.. it was the same building we sent those chicken sandwiches to.. Did we get the results?

Javier: Yeah, they were just chicken..

Javier hands the results to Vincent who looks them over.

Vincent: I just did some fact checking.. the lab that got killed was the lab that did these results.

The three men look up and stare at each other with their mouths side open.

FRIDAY, DJIBOUTI

Bifford, dressed very much like himself, is walking alone the shoreline of the Gulf of Tadjoura. In his right hand is a kebab of some sort of meat that he is eating. He looks at the camera and smiles.

Bifford: Alice.. I’m so glad you took my challenge. OCW’s #1 wrestler Dangerous Dan was afraid to fight Plethora.. so I’m glad you have the cajones to stand up to Plethora the Perilous. Alice, I’ve pinned you three times before and Monday will be no different, but rest assured that you have gained my respect this week. I will not pin you over and over again like I have Dangerous Dan, Duce Jones, Crash Rodriguez, or Mario Maurako. You belong more to the category of The Lost Soul and Lurrr. We fight occasionally, but I respect your abilities.

Bifford turns to face the sea for a moment.

Bifford: Alice, you’ve supposedly won this title before.. a title I seemingly very legitimately won last week.. but none of our reigns are legitimate. None will be until Silverfreak returns and fights me. When I won the title the first time I was a laughingstock.. and now I will show the world the terror I am capable of.

Taking the final bite of his kebab, Bifford looks into the camera again.

Bifford: Alice, I know you want your second reign, but it doesn’t start here. We are just beginning a journey.. a journey that for me, will lead to my redemption. It began with Outcast.. It will continue through you and then Brim. Only Silverfreak can stop this. Only Silverfreak ends this story. Plethora will see you Monday, Alice.

Throwing the stick of the kebab into the water, Bifford turns and finds the Plethora robe laid over a park bench. He walks up to it, hoists it up, and lowers it over him. He looks at the camera, his dull gray eyes staring right at you.

Plethora: Hoot hoot. Sorry Alice. Not this time.

The camera slowly zooms into Plethora’s shadow-hidden face until it fades to darkness.

1994, THE MIDWEST

15 year old Bifford is alone in his bedroom sobbing and crying. “Please come back.. I can’t stand being alone all the time.. Please.. I’m sorry.” And suddenly, young Theodore Bryan Benson isn’t alone. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is with him. “Thank goodness,” he said, sounding relieved. “The girl. Kate,” Buffy said, her voice somber and solemn, “she has to die.” Darkness.