Post by TLS on Apr 22, 2022 12:04:36 GMT -5
~ Time is a weird construct. It never flows the way you think it does. For us, it's been only a few days since we've seen TLS and tLS. But to tLS, it's felt like forever. Especially since TLS refuses to carry the Tasmanian tiger. One could think it as good training, but the smell of the corpse is starting to get to tLS. After adjusting the tiger on his shoulders, he turns towards TLS. ~
tLS: Dude, where is this village? You said that you could navigate anything. That's why I wanted to team with you. Because I thought you would be an asset with the Outback match. I could have grabbed anyone to smack around the brothers. Shit, I'm undefeated against them myself, and it would be my first time taking titles off of The Danger Boiz. And for the Worthless Dravers, they couldn't buy a win if they had access to Jeff Bezos' money. And another…. well, fuck me…
~ They pair have ceased moving when TLS holds up a hand. He points to what looks like a village. They can see people moving about, strange people. We can't make out features, but we can tell that they are all albinos! TLS turns back to look at tLS, and even with the mask, we can tell he looks smug as shit. ~
TLS: I hope that crow tastes real good. Unlike The Dravers, I make good on my promises. I told you that I would get us here and I did. They said they would take out Alice and C.J. and those two look stronger than ever. Now, grab the tiger and follow me.
~ The two masked men make their way down to the village. As they draw near, we can see that these albinos look almost exactly like another Worthless bitch, PerZag! What is this place?? A few villagers see the masked pair and cautiously walk over to greet them. A man in a headdress takes the lead. Let's assume he's a chief. ~
Chief: G'day, gents! Judging by the duds, you blokes ain't from around here. You having a Captain Cook of our village?
~ tLS cocks his head to the side. ~
tLS: The fuck did you say?
Chief: I'm just asking if you off-landers are having a lookie loo at our villo. Or did you get lost having a walkabout?
~ tLS turns to look at TLS. He leans over to talk in hushed tones. ~
tLS: Please tell me that you can understand him.
TLS: … You can't?
tLS: Hell no! He's speaking some Aussie gibberish. It's less comprehensive than The Dravers thinking they have a shot at the tag titles… or thinking they're slightly important. Honestly, I think Welsh put them in the match so they feel important.
TLS: But he's speaking English… I mean the accent makes it a little hard, and them all looking like whitewashed PerZags is off putting..
tLS: Right? It's like someone put him in a copier without adding any color cartridges. But seriously, you can understand him?
TLS: Yeah…
tLS: Then take over with your Rosetta stone. I'll just be here holding a dead extinct animal, that you re-extincted…
~ TLS walks in front of his counterpart and greets the chief. ~
TLS: Hello friends.
Chief: G'day to ya, mate. You pal alright over there?
TLS: Ignore him. He's had too many blows to the head. Your accent is making him think that you're speaking another language.
Chief: Come off it. You're having a piss. By your accents, I can tell your American, but I can understand you just fine.
TLS: He's just odd.
tLS: I'm not odd. I just can't understand didgeridoo or whatever..
Chief: Bit of a racist, ain't he?
TLS: Not typically. We've just been stuck on this Island for about a month and he misses home. I think all this sun is getting to him.
Chief: So he's not just six stubbies short of a six pack?
TLS: You know, for being so isolated and far off the beaten path, you know modern lingo pretty well.
Chief: We may be isolated, but we ain't savages. We know what's what with the modern world. The magic the land gave us allows us to see all and know all. Plus, some blokes built a solar farm a few kilos away, and Jeffrey managed to steal a few tellies and wifi motors. We got land magic, modern tech and Netflix. Why would we leave to deal with the sandgropers and crow eaters? Besides, if we leave, who would protect the key?
~ TLS is busy trying to wrap his mind around everything he just heard. Magic? Technology? A normal name like "Jeffrey?" He knew his journey would be strange, but he didn't expect this. The only thing that brings his mind back to the conversation is the bit about "the key." ~
TLS: The key? What kind of key?
Chief: A key that's been under our protection forever. Legend says that it's part of a map to find and unlock the fabled Fountain of Youth, but we don't know. Many folks have tried to take her over the years, but none have been able to. They tasted delicious.
TLS: What if I try to barter for it?
~ TLS turns to tLS and nods. tLS nods back but does nothing else. TLS groans and points at the Tasmanian tiger. tLS goes "Ooooh" and shrugs the carcass off and drops it to the ground. TLS then looks at the chief. ~
Chief: You inviting us to dinner, mate? We kill and eat these things like once a week. Besides, the key ain't a object. She's my wife.
~ He gestures to the albino person next to him. ~
Chief: This is my wife, PerVag.
TLS: Your wife? What? How?
Chief: Magic, mate. The key is a magical entity that is passed down to the wife of every chief. When the old host dies, the key becomes inert until the chief remarries, or a new chief is selected and he marries. The key is the source of our magic.
tLS: Dude, what is he saying? I'm kind of in the dark over here.
TLS: He's saying that the key I'm looking for is his wife here.
tLS: Here? How can you tell? Did he tell you? I'm starting to feel really racist, because they all look the freaking same to me…
~ PerVag scowls at tLS as he says this. The chief looks passed off too. He turns to TLS. ~
Chief: You seem to be a good bloke, but your friend is a right cunt. I'll give you a chance get onya bike, but he's staying for dinner. Sorry, I meant AS dinner.
~ TLS seems conflicted. He doesn't really have much love for tLS, but he does really need a partner for Technical Difficulties. Need is a strong word; he could beat The Dravers and Danger Boiz by himself on his worst day.. But Welsh said he has to have a partner for the match. Plus its too late to find someone else. Besides, tLS has proven useful so far. He turns to his partner. ~
tLS: What did he say? He giving us the key?
TLS: Not exactly. The key is his wife… magic, don't ask….And you offended her with your racist comments.
tLS: Don't blame me that they all look alike. I was never good with telling twins or triplelets apart. You think I can tell Johnathen or Nathan apart? Not that I care about who is who, I just don't know which rainbow haired bitch is which. That won't stop me from feeding them my fist during the match. Same thing for Chris and Dan! Everyone is eating my fist at T.D.!
TLS: Uhh…. Bad choice of words….
tLS: What do you mean?
TLS: These guys want to have you for dinner…
tLS: Awww! That's nice of them.
TLS: No, dude. They want to HAVE YOU for dinner.
~ tLS is having trouble understanding what TLS means until he sees tribe people pointing spears towards him. It all dawns on him. ~
tLS: OH fuck!! Then grab the key bitch and run!!
~ tLS picks up the tiger corpse and heaves it at the chief, startling him backwards. TLS punches the wife square in the jaw, knocking her out, and hoists her on his shoulders. The pair take off running into the maze like jungle as the albinos give chase. They run as fast as they can as spears fly past them or land in trees right next to them. One grazes tLS in the arm as it flies by! ~
tLS: Oww, fuck! I didnt sign up for this! I just wanted to win the tag team titles and figured you were the best guy for the job! It didn't hurt you had already signed up for the match too… but I never thought it would lead to getting chased by albino spear chuckers!!
TLS: Quit your bitching! I can lose them! We just gotta get deeper in the forest!
tLS: But they LIVE here!! I'm sure they know every secret path and trail!!
TLS: Trust me! I lead us to the village, I can get us out! Just think of it as practice for the Escape match!
tLS: I'd rather just escape this current situation first! We can't win the tag titles if we're dead and digested! I know the current tag landscape is full of shit, but not literal fecal matter!
TLS: Don't worry! We'll escape this, then we'll escape the Outback match! By this time Monday, we'll be tag team champions and I'll be one step closer to the Fountain! After all, I've beaten Dan and Chris plenty of times!
tLS: You keep saying that like it's special! Everyone has beaten Dan and Chris! I'VE beaten them! Hell, half of Bifford's schtick is talking about how much he's beaten Dan! It's not special!! They're not special!
PerVag: Oi !! Neither of you yoobos are special. Now put me down and sod off!
~ tLS gives a surprise yelp as PerVag starts yelling and squirming on TLS's shoulders. tLS punches PerVag in the head, knocking her out again. The pair keep running through the jungle as the spears become increasingly infrequent. tLS glances behind him and notices that they are no longer being followed. He turns back to tell TLS and ducks just in time to avoid running into a branch! Soon, the pair break through the trees into a clearing. They take a moment to look around, breathing heavily. TLS drops PerVag unceremoniously to the ground to catch his breath easier. tLS is bent over with his hands on his knees, panting. Soon, they recover enough to get going again. TLS makes tLS carry PerVag as they make their way forward. ~
TLS: Trust me, when we get back to where everyone else is, we'll be in the clear! Those albinos wouldn't dare attack us with everyone else around.
tLS: Maybe we can give them PerZag instead? Tell them that the chief's wife got some sun and dyed her hair? They may buy it. Then we won't have to hear any more "Worthy" bullshit from The Dravers. They'll just find someone else to leech off of. Maybe Alice will take them back. Though after watching them lose for the umpteenth time at Technical Difficulties, who would want them?
TLS: The Danger Boiz could adopt them.. That way all the losers would be in one big club.
tLS: Yeah! We can even make them "I Lost to the TLS team and all I got was this stupid shirt." shirts for them.
TLS: No! You're taking it too far. None of that. Shame on you.
tLS: Fine. I guess it'll be embarrassing enough for them to get lost in the Outback as we easily walk out with the tag team titles.
TLS: That's more like it.
tLS: So what are you gonna do with her??
~ The pair look down at the unconscious PerVag. TLS has the key that he was looking for. tLS held up his end of the bargain by helping. Sure, TLS will help his partner get the tag titles, but what next? Will tLS continue to help TLS find the mystical keys? How long will they be able to keep the tag team championships? ~
TO BE CONTINUED
tLS: Dude, where is this village? You said that you could navigate anything. That's why I wanted to team with you. Because I thought you would be an asset with the Outback match. I could have grabbed anyone to smack around the brothers. Shit, I'm undefeated against them myself, and it would be my first time taking titles off of The Danger Boiz. And for the Worthless Dravers, they couldn't buy a win if they had access to Jeff Bezos' money. And another…. well, fuck me…
~ They pair have ceased moving when TLS holds up a hand. He points to what looks like a village. They can see people moving about, strange people. We can't make out features, but we can tell that they are all albinos! TLS turns back to look at tLS, and even with the mask, we can tell he looks smug as shit. ~
TLS: I hope that crow tastes real good. Unlike The Dravers, I make good on my promises. I told you that I would get us here and I did. They said they would take out Alice and C.J. and those two look stronger than ever. Now, grab the tiger and follow me.
~ The two masked men make their way down to the village. As they draw near, we can see that these albinos look almost exactly like another Worthless bitch, PerZag! What is this place?? A few villagers see the masked pair and cautiously walk over to greet them. A man in a headdress takes the lead. Let's assume he's a chief. ~
Chief: G'day, gents! Judging by the duds, you blokes ain't from around here. You having a Captain Cook of our village?
~ tLS cocks his head to the side. ~
tLS: The fuck did you say?
Chief: I'm just asking if you off-landers are having a lookie loo at our villo. Or did you get lost having a walkabout?
~ tLS turns to look at TLS. He leans over to talk in hushed tones. ~
tLS: Please tell me that you can understand him.
TLS: … You can't?
tLS: Hell no! He's speaking some Aussie gibberish. It's less comprehensive than The Dravers thinking they have a shot at the tag titles… or thinking they're slightly important. Honestly, I think Welsh put them in the match so they feel important.
TLS: But he's speaking English… I mean the accent makes it a little hard, and them all looking like whitewashed PerZags is off putting..
tLS: Right? It's like someone put him in a copier without adding any color cartridges. But seriously, you can understand him?
TLS: Yeah…
tLS: Then take over with your Rosetta stone. I'll just be here holding a dead extinct animal, that you re-extincted…
~ TLS walks in front of his counterpart and greets the chief. ~
TLS: Hello friends.
Chief: G'day to ya, mate. You pal alright over there?
TLS: Ignore him. He's had too many blows to the head. Your accent is making him think that you're speaking another language.
Chief: Come off it. You're having a piss. By your accents, I can tell your American, but I can understand you just fine.
TLS: He's just odd.
tLS: I'm not odd. I just can't understand didgeridoo or whatever..
Chief: Bit of a racist, ain't he?
TLS: Not typically. We've just been stuck on this Island for about a month and he misses home. I think all this sun is getting to him.
Chief: So he's not just six stubbies short of a six pack?
TLS: You know, for being so isolated and far off the beaten path, you know modern lingo pretty well.
Chief: We may be isolated, but we ain't savages. We know what's what with the modern world. The magic the land gave us allows us to see all and know all. Plus, some blokes built a solar farm a few kilos away, and Jeffrey managed to steal a few tellies and wifi motors. We got land magic, modern tech and Netflix. Why would we leave to deal with the sandgropers and crow eaters? Besides, if we leave, who would protect the key?
~ TLS is busy trying to wrap his mind around everything he just heard. Magic? Technology? A normal name like "Jeffrey?" He knew his journey would be strange, but he didn't expect this. The only thing that brings his mind back to the conversation is the bit about "the key." ~
TLS: The key? What kind of key?
Chief: A key that's been under our protection forever. Legend says that it's part of a map to find and unlock the fabled Fountain of Youth, but we don't know. Many folks have tried to take her over the years, but none have been able to. They tasted delicious.
TLS: What if I try to barter for it?
~ TLS turns to tLS and nods. tLS nods back but does nothing else. TLS groans and points at the Tasmanian tiger. tLS goes "Ooooh" and shrugs the carcass off and drops it to the ground. TLS then looks at the chief. ~
Chief: You inviting us to dinner, mate? We kill and eat these things like once a week. Besides, the key ain't a object. She's my wife.
~ He gestures to the albino person next to him. ~
Chief: This is my wife, PerVag.
TLS: Your wife? What? How?
Chief: Magic, mate. The key is a magical entity that is passed down to the wife of every chief. When the old host dies, the key becomes inert until the chief remarries, or a new chief is selected and he marries. The key is the source of our magic.
tLS: Dude, what is he saying? I'm kind of in the dark over here.
TLS: He's saying that the key I'm looking for is his wife here.
tLS: Here? How can you tell? Did he tell you? I'm starting to feel really racist, because they all look the freaking same to me…
~ PerVag scowls at tLS as he says this. The chief looks passed off too. He turns to TLS. ~
Chief: You seem to be a good bloke, but your friend is a right cunt. I'll give you a chance get onya bike, but he's staying for dinner. Sorry, I meant AS dinner.
~ TLS seems conflicted. He doesn't really have much love for tLS, but he does really need a partner for Technical Difficulties. Need is a strong word; he could beat The Dravers and Danger Boiz by himself on his worst day.. But Welsh said he has to have a partner for the match. Plus its too late to find someone else. Besides, tLS has proven useful so far. He turns to his partner. ~
tLS: What did he say? He giving us the key?
TLS: Not exactly. The key is his wife… magic, don't ask….And you offended her with your racist comments.
tLS: Don't blame me that they all look alike. I was never good with telling twins or triplelets apart. You think I can tell Johnathen or Nathan apart? Not that I care about who is who, I just don't know which rainbow haired bitch is which. That won't stop me from feeding them my fist during the match. Same thing for Chris and Dan! Everyone is eating my fist at T.D.!
TLS: Uhh…. Bad choice of words….
tLS: What do you mean?
TLS: These guys want to have you for dinner…
tLS: Awww! That's nice of them.
TLS: No, dude. They want to HAVE YOU for dinner.
~ tLS is having trouble understanding what TLS means until he sees tribe people pointing spears towards him. It all dawns on him. ~
tLS: OH fuck!! Then grab the key bitch and run!!
~ tLS picks up the tiger corpse and heaves it at the chief, startling him backwards. TLS punches the wife square in the jaw, knocking her out, and hoists her on his shoulders. The pair take off running into the maze like jungle as the albinos give chase. They run as fast as they can as spears fly past them or land in trees right next to them. One grazes tLS in the arm as it flies by! ~
tLS: Oww, fuck! I didnt sign up for this! I just wanted to win the tag team titles and figured you were the best guy for the job! It didn't hurt you had already signed up for the match too… but I never thought it would lead to getting chased by albino spear chuckers!!
TLS: Quit your bitching! I can lose them! We just gotta get deeper in the forest!
tLS: But they LIVE here!! I'm sure they know every secret path and trail!!
TLS: Trust me! I lead us to the village, I can get us out! Just think of it as practice for the Escape match!
tLS: I'd rather just escape this current situation first! We can't win the tag titles if we're dead and digested! I know the current tag landscape is full of shit, but not literal fecal matter!
TLS: Don't worry! We'll escape this, then we'll escape the Outback match! By this time Monday, we'll be tag team champions and I'll be one step closer to the Fountain! After all, I've beaten Dan and Chris plenty of times!
tLS: You keep saying that like it's special! Everyone has beaten Dan and Chris! I'VE beaten them! Hell, half of Bifford's schtick is talking about how much he's beaten Dan! It's not special!! They're not special!
PerVag: Oi !! Neither of you yoobos are special. Now put me down and sod off!
~ tLS gives a surprise yelp as PerVag starts yelling and squirming on TLS's shoulders. tLS punches PerVag in the head, knocking her out again. The pair keep running through the jungle as the spears become increasingly infrequent. tLS glances behind him and notices that they are no longer being followed. He turns back to tell TLS and ducks just in time to avoid running into a branch! Soon, the pair break through the trees into a clearing. They take a moment to look around, breathing heavily. TLS drops PerVag unceremoniously to the ground to catch his breath easier. tLS is bent over with his hands on his knees, panting. Soon, they recover enough to get going again. TLS makes tLS carry PerVag as they make their way forward. ~
TLS: Trust me, when we get back to where everyone else is, we'll be in the clear! Those albinos wouldn't dare attack us with everyone else around.
tLS: Maybe we can give them PerZag instead? Tell them that the chief's wife got some sun and dyed her hair? They may buy it. Then we won't have to hear any more "Worthy" bullshit from The Dravers. They'll just find someone else to leech off of. Maybe Alice will take them back. Though after watching them lose for the umpteenth time at Technical Difficulties, who would want them?
TLS: The Danger Boiz could adopt them.. That way all the losers would be in one big club.
tLS: Yeah! We can even make them "I Lost to the TLS team and all I got was this stupid shirt." shirts for them.
TLS: No! You're taking it too far. None of that. Shame on you.
tLS: Fine. I guess it'll be embarrassing enough for them to get lost in the Outback as we easily walk out with the tag team titles.
TLS: That's more like it.
tLS: So what are you gonna do with her??
~ The pair look down at the unconscious PerVag. TLS has the key that he was looking for. tLS held up his end of the bargain by helping. Sure, TLS will help his partner get the tag titles, but what next? Will tLS continue to help TLS find the mystical keys? How long will they be able to keep the tag team championships? ~
TO BE CONTINUED