Gypsies, the Japanese, Ponies, Hitler, Urinals, Liver&Onions

[Ehud Gray II]

 

 

The screen flashes from black, to a moment of static, to the image of Ehud of Moab standing in front of an old wooden house. The house is small and looks like it has seen better days; the same can be said of Ehud of Moab. An old man, Ehud stands with long grey hair pulled back in a pony tail, looking at his house. His face is covered in white stubble and his eyes look like he's lived a hard 80 years so far. His clothing is simple, but sophisticated: a black dress shirt, black slacks, black dress shoes, and a grey belt with a fancy buckle that might be in the shape of Utah. Sitting next to him is a large duffle bag, which waits on the floor. A young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties, walks up to Ehud.

 
Kid: Hey, old man... They say you used to be the Sheriff.

Ehud: They'd be right. I ran this city. Now I'm retired.

Kid: So what do you do with your time now?

Ehud: I'm going to be a professional wrestler.

Kid: Um... no offense or anything... but you're like three-hundred years old.

Ehud: I'm only 80. And I'm in better shape than you. Try to pick up that duffle bag, youngster.

The kid reaches for the duffle bag and tries to pick it up. With a grunt and some effort he gets the duffle bag up, but immediately puts it back down.

Kid: What the hell is in there?

Ehud: Gold bars... I don't believe in the modern currency of the day. I pay for everything using gold bars.

The kid stares at Ehud as though he is insane.

Kid: If that duffle bag is full of gold bars, that must be worth millions of dollars.. Gold prices are sky high!

Ehud: Yeah.. my whole life savings is in that duffle bag. I don't believe in banks. They're just a fad and they use your money for their own evil deeds... Gold you just keep with you... and you gotta be one tough son of a bitch to steal my gold. Nobody's tried in the last 80 years, because they know I'll whip their ass. That's why my opponents next Monday - two youngsters by the names of The Siren and Keg - need to be on the lookout. I've certainly beaten up men bigger than that Keg fellow, and The Siren? I don't know what or who that is... but I used to have a siren on my police-motorcycle. And I controlled that son of a bitch...

The kid just looks at Ehud like he doesn't know what he's talking about. Ehud walks off camera and then comes back holding up an old rickety looking bicycle.

Kid: Uh... what... are.. where are you going?

Ehud: I have a professional wrestling show to get to. According to my map..

Ehud pulls out a paper map that looks like it's from the 1920s and that has lots of magic market all over it. The kid stares at him as though he was looking at a lunatic ranting and raving about aliens.

Ehud: ...according to my map... it'll take me about 40 hours to bycicle my way to Pocatello, Idaho.... That's a long time. But I can do it - I am, after all, in tip-top physical shape. I'll stop once or twice along the way..

Kid: Why in the world are you not driving to Idaho?

Ehud: Don't believe in cars... I had to drive them when I was on the force, but now that I'm retired I prefer a slower pace to my life. I prefer to ride my bicycle or to walk places. I love walking around the park, seeing all the flowers and hearing the birds chirp. Those birds, so loud and so high-pitched in their sound-making, give me the fiery rage that I need to beat world class athletes like The Keg and The Siren. By the way - what's with all these people using The in their names? Maybe I should call myself The Ehud of The Moab.... wait... that actually sounds pretty bad ass.

Kid: So you're going to bike.. all the way to Idaho... then try to fight - even though you're an old man - and then bike back?

Ehud: Depends if I'm booked the next week or not...

Kid: Are the guys you're fighting old men also?

Ehud: No, but one is... some sorta... you know... midg-... err... dwar-...errr.. I'm not sure what the politically correct term is for him.. So I'm going to call him a PonyMan... since.. you know... ponies are like little horses. And he's a..., well... you know.

Kid: You're going to wrestle a midget?

Ehud: I don't think that's what we're supposed to call him. I think I heard someone say they're called PonyMen.

Kid: YOU JUST MADE THAT UP.

Ehud: I did? I'm a fucking genius.

The kid looks at him and does a face-palm, obviously frustrated with the old man's lack of memory.

Kid: What if you get lost along the way? Do you have an iPhone to use some GPS?

Ehud: GP what? I don't have any iPhones or any iPods or any iLaps.. I just have the map. The map is all I need. And I have a map inside my head that shows me how to fight, and with these two fists, I will reign down the fury of a thousand men upon Keg and Siren.

Ehud reaches down and picks up the duffle bag of gold with no problem and throws it over his shoulder. The kid looks at him in amazement as the small, disheveled old man does it without any effort. He lifts his leg and mounts his bike, looking at the kid and giving him an approving nod.

Ehud: You're okay, lad... You keep an eye on my house and make sure the Japanese don't come and get it.

The kid looks with apprehension at Ehud.

Kid: The Japanese?

Ehud: Yeah... they just attacked our military in Hawaii.. Don't you read the news?

The kid's eyes grow wide as he realizes Ehud doesn't know what year it is.

Kid: Um.. Pearl Harbor? That attack happened before my parents were born.

Ehud looks at him for a second, then nods, his eyes seeming instantly more lucid.

Ehud: Oh yeah... That was 1941. A good year.. Well.. no. Actually that was a really shitty year. But you live and you learn. So you should keep an eye on my house to make sure that nobody sets it on fire. Back when I was your age there was nothing to do in Moab, and so the kids would just go around setting houses on fire. Those were dark days.. but I eradicated them when I was Sheriff. And now I'm going to OCW and I'm going to eradicate all of you youngsters who think they know how to fight. They don't. I know how to fight. With my fists!

He swings his fists about wildly in front of him while sitting on the bike seat. The kid looks at him and doesn't know whether to believe him, call the police, or feel sorry for him. He nods his head though, signaling that he'll watch over Ehud's house.

Ehud: And gypsies.. you gotta be careful about the gypsies...

The kid looks at Ehud as though he has no idea what he's talking about. Ehud begins pedaling away and the kid watches him go down the road. He squints his eyes as he watches Ehud disappear over the horizon.

Kid: I don't know if that man is crazy... or senile... or the smartest man I've ever met. He thought it was 1941.. and he's riding a bike almost 600 miles... and... what did he say about gypsies?

The kid turns around and sees that Ehud's front lawn is now a bizarre gypsy shanti-town. In the short time that the kid watched Ehud pedal away, the gypsies had managed to set up 6 or 7 tents and 3 or 4 small structures. They were milling about on his lawn, selling their wares to one another and playing cards. The kid sighed, knowing he had let Ehud down, and quickly turned and walked in the other direction.

The Narrator begins speaking while views of the Utah mountains play, giving the feeling of peaceful serenity to the scene.

Narrator: And so Ehud of Moab began his journey. He did not ride fast, and he did not pedal hard. But with persistence he made it many hours. Then he came to a place known as Salt Lake City. Headquarters of the Mormon Church, Salt Lake City is a very clean place that is reminiscent of a religious Disney World. The streets are beautifully maintained, and alcohol is served only in small quantities. Mostly folks keep to themselves, go about their business, and rarely head out to bars. Ehud was not a Mormon, but he appreciated the quiet atmosphere of downtown Salt Lake City, and so he stopped there for a rest...


The mountain scenes slowly fade to black... then light peaks into the camera and we are in downtown Salt Lake City. In a quiet, dark, city alley Ehud pedaled up to a sign-post (saying NO PARKING) and tied up his bicycle. He still had the extraordinarily heavy duffle bag of gold over his shoulder. He looked around and saw a man down the alley. Walking toward him, Ehud began to speak...

Ehud: Excuse me, sir... Do you happen to know of any place around here that has a public bathroom?

Drug Dealer: The world is my toilet. Just go here in the alley.

Ehud looked disgusted. One of the things he most admired about Salt Lake was the beautiful cleanliness that the city had. He cringed and shook his head.

Ehud: Listen, son... you need to take better care of your town.

Walking closer to the man, Ehud got a look of him. He was probably in his late twenties or early thirties. His eyes were wild and darted around the alley and he had a tremendous amount of gold chains around his neck. Ehud cringed, presuming the young man was on drugs.

Ehud: Listen, you... Son... are you on the drugs?

Drug Dealer (looking apprehensive): Are you looking to buy?

Ehud shook his head in disgust and sighed, touching his forehead.

Ehud: No, son. I spent 60 years putting kids like you in prison and throwing away the key. You need to do something productive with your life. I spent 60 years as a Sheriff and now I'm not finished working yet. I've retired from that job, but I'm going to work in the wrestling ring. I'm going to take young punks like you and whip their asses. I ain't gonna ask their names. I ain't gonna ask if their mommas are okay. I'm going to whip their asses. Beat their faces in. Crank their necks off. That's what I do now, son.

The drug dealer's eyes lit up.

Drug Dealer: You're a wrestler!? I LOVE WRESTLING! What federation?

Ehud: OCW... you ever heard of it? I'm on my way to Idaho to go compete.

The drug dealer's mouth dropped open.

Drug Dealer: I LOVE OCW! Dean! And Syren! Bifford! And Mario! What an awesome federation! Who are you wrestling? Also how the fuck old are you?

Ehud cringed at the man's swearing. He frowned upon curse words, though sometimes he slipped and used them too.

Ehud: I'm fighting someone named Keg and someone named Siren.

The drug dealer burst out laughing.

Drug Dealer: You mean... you... an old man... are wrestling a Little Person and a lady?

Ehud's eyes grew wide.

Ehud: I ain't wrestling no ladies... If there happens to be a female in the ring, that means she's not a true lady.. and so I'll punch her lights out... but I ain't fighting no ladies.

The drug dealer nodded, kind-of-understanding what Ehud was saying.

Drug Dealer: And the Little Person?

Ehud: I think he prefers the term PonyMan.

The drugs dealer looks at Ehud like he's nuts.

Drug Dealer: Why would he possibly prefer that?

Ehud shrugs. Then he looks around the alley, still searching for a bathroom.

Drug Dealer: Listen... I've always wanted to be in the wrestling business... I might be crazy, but I think you need a manager. And I think I might be him. My name is Lou, and yeah I'm a drug dealer.. but I'll be fiercely loyal.

Ehud nods, looking the drug dealer up and down.

Ehud: So what you're telling me is that you're a crazy drug dealer and you want to travel with me and be my manager and give up selling the drugs?

Lou the Dealer: Oh no.. I can't give up selling drugs. I need to make a living.. and I can tell by looking at you that you have no money and won't be able to pay me anything.

Ehud clutched his duffle bag close, holding his millions of dollars with of gold close to his body.

Ehud: Yeah... well.. you're right about that.. I don't believe in that shitty currency you call money. We outta go back to the gold standard..

Lou the Dealer: So you're into all that RON PAUL CRAZY STUFF?

Ehud (nodding): Ron Paul is a good youngster... knows his stuff...

There's an awkward pause in the conversation while Lou processes the fact that he's met a professional wrestler who is older than Ron Paul and is about to fight a little person and a woman.

Ehud: But yeah.. I'll let you be my manager. But there are three conditions: no planes or trains or automobiles, no dealing drugs in my presence, and you've got to carry around confetti and throw it around wherever I walk if there are television cameras.

Lou the Dealer: Uh... yeah I think I could do that... but... um... Why the confetti?

Ehud: WHY NOT CONFETTI? Don't I deserve to have confetti thrown? I'm a big deal.. but maybe you're right.. that would be a lot of wasted confetti... but I mean.. I took all that time to cut up all that paper and send the carrier pigeon to Idaho to deliver those bags of confetti...

Lou looks at Ehud like he's senile.

Lou the Dealer: Carrier pigeons? You made confetti? .... CARRIER PIGEONS? What the fuck is going on?

Ehud: Well, maybe you didn't notice... but we're at war in Germany and I'm not about to waste precious government resources using that high-fangled mail service.

Lou's jaw drops.

Lou the Dealer: War in Germany...?

Ehud: Against Hitler.. you know what I'm talking about... Hitler. Anyway, there's a restaurant I can see at the end of this alley. I'm going to go in there and use the bathroom. I think they won't mind if I promise to pay them a shilling on my way back through Salt Lake City after the wrestling matches..

Lou the Dealer: A shilling? I don't think that's ever existed in this country in your lifetime..

Ehud: Stop trying to distract me from the urinating-related task at hand... You need to find yourself a bicycle... so either go use some of your Evil-Satanic-Cult-Devil-Drug-Money and buy some... or go... you know... find one. Just don't tell me about it. But you need a bike, son.

Ehud kept walking down the alley and entered the restaurant, clutching his duffle bag of gold bars close to himself. The waitress looked up at him and smiled.

Waitress: Where will you be sitting?

Ehud: Just need to use the lavatory... I'll be right back and I'll pay you a shilling...

The waitress looked confused.

Waitress: We don't have a laboratory..

Ehud pushes open the bathroom door and walks up to the urinal. He makes movements as though he's opening his fly and then lets out a loud groan, as though he's been waiting many hours to use the bathroom. The door opens and a chef walks in wearing his white chef gear and a medium height white chef hat. He walks up and stands at the urinal directly next to Ehud.

Chef: Hey old timer.. you'd like our special today.. Liver and Onions.

Ehud: While I do enjoy myself some liver.. I gotta tell you.. I don't plan to eat in this diner. The waitress didn't know you had a bathroom, so I wouldn't expect her to be able to remember my order. But I do expect to beat up a short fellow and some gruff beastly woman next Monday.

Chef: Last Monday I beat up some drug dealer who's always hanging out outside my restaurant... He's not very smart. I can't tell you how many times he's traded me $2000 worth of cocaine for a $4 Salisbury steak. I told him it was Kobe beef, but that clueless guy didn't know any different.

The chef finishes up and zips back up, walking to the sink he washes his hands.

Chef: Takes you a while, eh, old timer?

Ehud: When you're this old everything takes longer... but slow and steady wins the race. That's why I'll win my wrestling match on Monday.

Chef: Wrestling match? You're crazy old timer... ain't no wrestling company going to clear you to wrestle. The doctors would shut them down.

Ehud laughs and shakes his head as the chef pushes open the door and walks out of the bathroom. Then the camera focuses on Ehud's back... and waits... and waits.... and waits.. Finally Ehud makes a movement as though he is zipping up his fly and walks over washing his hands at the sink. He steps back out into the restaurant and the waitress is waiting.

Waitress: Were you conducting scientific experiments in the bathroom?

Ehud: Yeah, better be careful.. I built a bomb.

The waitress's eyes grow and she runs into the kitchen in a panic. Ehud walks to the front of the restaurant and steps back out into the alley. He sees Crazy Lou the Drug Dealer standing in the alley with Ehud's bike. Ehud shakes his head and sighs, walking back up to Lou.

Ehud: Is that the bike you stole?

Lou the Dealer: Nope! I bought it with my own money!

Ehud sighs and looks down the alley, seeing the signpost where he tied his bike up and there is no bike there.

Ehud: Why are you lying to me!? I TIED MY BIKE UP RIGHT OVER THERE AND IT'S GONE!

Lou the Dealer: I swear I'm not lying! I paid $500 to that chef from the restaurant you just pissed in!

Ehud touches his hand to his face, realizing how clueless his manager is.

Ehud: Maybe you should stop trying to think about things, and instead just use your body for the only thing it's good for... human shield. Go and volunteer for the service and go over to fight Hitler and the Evil Army...

Lou looks at Ehud like he's crazy, but then there is the sound of men yelling as several SWAT members go running into the restaurant that Ehud had just left. They were yelling and screaming and shouting about bombs.

Ehud: Oh shit.. We gotta get out of here... We'll just double-ride for now... You get up on the handle bars.

Lou looked apprehensive, but then hopped on. Ehud climbed onto the bike seat and they began pedaling out of the alley.

Lou: Do you want me to hold your duffle bag? It looks heavy.

Ehud: Not a chance in hell, Lou... Not a chance in hell.

As they rode out of the alley the scene slowly faded to darkness.