Post by Brianna Casablancas on Apr 5, 2014 22:02:12 GMT -5
Welcome to my head blokes and birds. Yes, I have opted to take the inner monologue route as I speak and narrate to the imaginary audience that exists in my head. Firstly, welcome and help yourself to some scones and crumpets located within the cerebral cortex. Also, do not forget to tip your neuron on your way out. Hopefully jumping into my head will provide you, oh imaginary viewer who I made up, with a somewhat new perspective as to what goes on in my head and how I process all that happens to me on a daily basis. And bloody hell, have the last few weeks given me a lot of random poppycock to process: winning the Central title (for the second time but not really), being a team captain in War Games at Total Domin ...I mean Total Demolition. I swear you watch a Jason Xavier promo you start to get things turned around up here. But on top of that, I have been on this tour where I am to defend this Central Championship against every member of The Family, except for Ian Bishop, who had his chance. And I proved to already be a better champion than him by getting through my first defense ...something he could not. I guess he was too busy finding ways to humiliate me rather than defend the title before Blackout 2 which would have put any paper champion claims to rest. But I digress. I already defeated Roach, though he did bang me up fairly good there. Unfortunately for him, having a regular match turn into a hardcore match is commonplace for me these days as is just getting pounded on once a week. But I DID appreciate the competition. But with one down, I now have two more to go: the apparent mastermind of the Family, Mario Maurako and another man with a penchant for violence, Sean Fuller this coming Massacre.
The thoughts of these men run through my head as I begin training at the gym. I plan to monologue all throughout my training session all of my thoughts and feelings about each workout and then I will, still in my head, narrate how I plan on dissecting Sean Fuller at Massacre.
I am taking the piss with you. Nobody has any interest in stuff that takes place at a gym, no do they? I actually do not get a lot of thought done while I am in the gym. Meditation and ballet? Yes, absolutely. But the gym is where I turn my head off and just focus on toning my body to do what it needs to do. Unfortunately, this also requires to not eat some of the best foods ever created. Apparently, eating your weight in chocolate threatens a healthy body ...but more importantly, junk food threatens a healthy mind. It is a pity that some of the best tasting stuff is the stuff that is terrible for us all together.
Instead of all of that, I am doing something that is kind of combines the best of both worlds for me. I am entering what many people think are insane asylums but are really just homes with mental illnesses that cripple them from living normal lives. Some are forced in by the county due to many different reasons while others commit themselves on account of the real world being too real to them. Obviously, the rest of the world see these men and women as absolutely mental and write them off as such. Worse yet there are people that misrepresent them by claiming to suffer from disorders they do not even understand. There are unfair negative stereotypes for almost everyone but maybe these people suffer the worst because of it. They are not villains or recluses but men and women whose wiring just is set up differently than others ...and THAT goes way beyond not eating right. I wonder what they would think had they known that some of the greatest men in history were tested to be insane? Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan were all said to have tested positive for being psychopaths (by the way, psychopaths and sociopaths are the same thing as far as the medical journals are concerned. There always seems to be confusion on that issue.) Clearly, being insane doesn't have to be awful as everyone makes it out to be.
You might be pondering "what is Brianna doing here?" as I walk through the automated sliding glass doors of this facility. It is a lark of a story really. I received an email from one of the doctors here at the Bohsman Center for the Mentally Ill. To be honest, I received it at a time that was ideal as I was still upset with losing my job at the University for being 'too popular' as a wrestler, so this request did brighten my day. This nurse wrote in this letter that there is a young girl schizophrenia that has started to believe she is me after watching a few episodes of Massacre. Apparently she has a past of starting to believe she was different people she admired. She was Katy Perry for a bit then Scarlett Johansson, and she even believed that she was Michelle Obama for a bit. It was highly flattering to be put in the same category with those women ...and completely undeserving. I am 'wrestling veteran' of only three months and while yes, I have had some great success in the ring that is merely a fraction of other people in OCW. I have a long way to go before I am grappling's Michelle Obama.
In any case, this young lady's Doctor, Dr. Beecham, contacted me as she read that I was going to be in Bohsman this weekend. She politely asked that not only because I was going to be in town but also because I am a psychologist that maybe I can help break this delusion once and for all by talking to this young girl named Abigail. Contrary to popular belief, MOST people with mental illnesses can live completely normal lives, they just need to confront their problem and then be trained on how to backslide ...because the illness will still be there but it can be repressed. Hopefully I can reach out to this young girl and make a REAL difference in someone's life. After all, what is the point of being a pseudo celebrity if you cannot make a change for the positive in at least one of your fan's lives and maybe make some progress in the study of those who begin to believe they are someone else? Remember that schizophrenia is not the same of multiple personality disorder so this behavior is rare but not unheard of.
"Doctor Casablancas." An overweight black lady says the moment I enter the building. I guess she did not want me to hassle with security and making sure I had the proper clearances. I could even see the front desk clerk and the guards in the front immediately begin to eye me. Obviously, they only want professionals behind those doors. But they both seemed highly jumpy but I chalk that up to most receptionists and security guards having an inferiority complex in many cases.
"Doctor Beechum, I presume." I reply as I extend my hand towards hers and she immediately shakes it. A look of slight pain enters her face as I remember that I am a bird who has to be at the peak of physical strength. I quickly let go of the grip I have on this lady. "It is a pleasure to meet you."
"As it is a pleasure to meet you as well. I know you have a busy schedule what with the athletic career and your job at the university." While, I accept why I was let go and the fact that not everybody from either side is going to understand there is still that sting when you realized that an institution would like to have nothing to do with you because of something you have fallen absolutely in love with.
I shake off the sting and give a 'vintage' Brianna Casablancas smile. "Actually, myself and the university of Washington have parted ways which I believe is a blessing in disguise as it leaves more time open to take freelance jobs as well as focus on my other profession."
"Yes, the wrestling career." As she leads me to the door that leads to the rest of the institution she gives me a look I have seen from many a person before. It is a look that says I do not understand what it is you do and why you would enjoy it. I also saw another thought on her face that she DOES voice. "So do they give you scripts or do you just improvise?" That is a question I get asked a lot. Funny, there are STILL people out there that believe wrestling is fake.
I concede that some people just do not want understand the sport or see it for how truly elaborate it is ...so I lie to her. "It is something like that, love." As we walk down the hall, passing a group of men wearing the same basic uniform, gray jumpsuits with vacant stares due to too much medication, I believe that I am going to meet someone who actually does 'get it' as far as what I do in the ring. And I realize that I could have that conversation with the patient but not with Doctor Beechum. I am a means to an end for this bird to help one of her patients. She probably sways more towards the perspective of Dean Flanagan in general. Instead of drawing a conversation she could care less about I focus on her patient. "In your e-mail you said this young lady, Abigail, has an accelerated case of hero worship where she believes she is the people she idolizes?"
"Yes, she did not start out this way." Doctor Beechum began as they walked towards what Brianna assumed was the recreation room. "At first she was JUST schizophrenic. You know, extreme paranoia and hearing voices that weren't there but about six months later she began to develope these delusions that she was different people from the media. A few weeks ago, we thought that she moved away from it because she was behaving a bit more normal; she was even giving medical advice to the other patients ...but then the chairshots began."
I nod my head not trying to giggle a little bit at this notion. "Does she have spells where she snaps out of it?"
"Again, it is hard to tell. When she was Katy Perry, we knew when she was or wasn't in the delusion ...but since none of us really knew who you were, it was harder to pinpoint. We didn't realize until one of the guards was watching Massacre and noticed that you were doing the same mannerisms as she would do and that you would act like she was acting. And, of course, there was the attire." Doctor Beecham says as we make it to the rec room where there is a window that can peek in. I am under the impression that the patients believe it to be a mirror. I look at her confused as to what she is talking about with that last sentence.
"Attire" I ask her with a raised eyebrow.
She points to the window that looks into the recreation room. "See for yourself."
What I see is a bit surreal. Running from the side of the Rec. carrying a steel chair is a young girl in her late teens running around in matching blue bra and panties and a makeshift robe. She is chasing around another patient with bright smile on her face. She screams at this patient "Stop Ian, you are not confronting your feelings of insecurity, love." The patient runs away from this young girl with an identity crisis.
This time I actually do chuckle and then say almost to myself. "Do I actually come off like that?"
"We don't get why you are always in your underwear for promotional material." She says giving me that 'you are a huge slut, aren't you?' look I get sometimes.
"It is actually my ring gear." I try to explain to her without seeming too defensive.
"Really, because it looks a lot like lingerie..." She says now with a tone that YELLS 'you are just a cheap harlot.'
"It isn't." I respond before trying to change the subject back to the reason that I am here: this young girl who believes she is me ...right down to the not underwear underwear. I turn to Doctor Beechum as this young, very pretty, skinny redhead stops calling for another female patient to help her and she will give her food. The other female patient looks confused. "Has she had a change in the dosage of pills at all since she arrived here?"
"She has been on the same dosage of lithium since she was sixteen. We do not know what brought it on or how to fix it." She pauses and stares at me differently than has before because it has begun to sink in that if she wants to help his young girl she needs to treat me like a colleague, not a brain dead roided out fluffer that many of those outside the industry believe us to be. "We thought that maybe meeting you face to face would AT LEAST help us find the cause of all of it and at the very best help her to confront the sickness and MAYBE be able to learn how to lead a normal life in society."
"I would very much like to see that for her and I am willing to help in any way I can." I say as she looks on in agreement, finally settling in on the fact that yes, I do have a p.h.d and yes, I have it for a reason.
"Please go to room 2-B which is upstairs. We are going to approach her and take her to you. Remember that her reaction can range from hostile to admiration and it could change within an instant." She says as I could see the doubt in her body language.
"Will do." I say giving one of the cheesiest thumbs up anyone has ever given.
And thus I begin my walk to room 2-B which I am assuming is the patients room. As continue my journey upstairs to the living quarters of the institution my mind wanders again. It wanders to the idea of imitation which makes me think if people are really that replaceable. I know that I was replaceable at University of Washington but does that go hand in hand with the wrestling world. In a way, I think it does. I think no matter what, there will be a time when a torch is to be passed from one person to another. I know that I cannot remain unpinned and the Central champion forever and yes, I could very well be tempting fate by defending against every member of The Family. There indeed will come a time when I am to be replaced. It is the circle of life.
As I walk up those steps to young Abigail's room though, I realize that the wrestling world is NOT the world of psychology. There are millions of Brianna Casablancas in the world of psychology and there are a million more waiting to replace them. But in the wrestling world, right now, I am the only one. And I am where I am at for a reason and that isn't to sound cocky, oh imaginary brain viewer, but it is because, as my former students said, there hasn't been many like me to pass through the doors. And I can take solace in the fact that I have a young girl actually aspire to be me. I guess it is true, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But, there is a lot to be said for being your own person though. Nobody should have to go through life trying to be someone else or trying to imitate someone else's success. But at least this young girl seems to have understood me and what I hold dear. She is sincere in her imitation and I am sure she believes every bit of herself when she tells herself that she is me. I hope that I can help her by Abigail and love herself as is and maybe one day function in normal society.
I turn the corner to her room as I pass by other patients in the institution and I smile at them as they give me those vacant stares. And to think there are people that exploit these people's state of mind by claiming to be one of them; it is insulting and it is disgusting. And it is exactly what Sean Fuller tries to sell himself on. He pimps out the notion of being mentally ill as if it were his whore. And he is going to ride that exploitation towards me thinking that he can be the replacement; that he can take over. Yes, I can and I will one day be replaced but I will be damned if it is by Sean Fuller. Oh, do not get me wrong, he is definitely a replacement. He is a replacement Ian Bishop. He says the same stuff Ian Bishop said before facing me both times and he thrives off of being violent towards others as if it is intimidating for those of us who can actually win a match without those tactics in place, just like Ian. I know that he is going through his own personal problems right now as well with custody over a child ...before a title match. This is beginning to sound VERY familiar but I don't know where I heard it before. But I guess imitation REALLY is the sincerest form of flattery. That is how you know he is not a psychopath ...psychopaths are more creative. Someone needs to remind me to ask Alice what she thought when Ana Archia came in and tried imitating her without understanding what made her successful in the first place as well.
And here I am, awaiting my imposter to arrive and yes, my mind does keep wandering to back to the notion of being replaceable and if I like that concept. Am I ready to be replaced in the world of wrestling? I know I am came in with a lax attitude towards titles but I have come so far just to let someone; anyone take the title from me. I know that three months with not being pinned is an amazing achievement as is winning a title so early on in my career. But does that mean I can still have the same state of mind I had beforehand? I obviously have tapped into something here and I am just not ready to let it go just yet. I did not expect to be 'here' this early but I am here now and I am just not ready to roll over and let someone else take it. Yes, originally I just wanted to humiliate Ian but now? Well, that was a journey that molded me I guess. I was pushed aside for someone else in my other profession and that did not feel too good. And this whole Central title thing means more to me doesn't it? More than my psychology career?
I guess it kind of does.
That is a sting I do not want to face again. I am on this wave now, I bloody well should ride it until I cannot ride no more. And if a wanker wants to tell me that they have cut my funding, they should bloody well be prepared to fight me until I am motionless. Oh, look at that, I am a little on the fumed side here. I realize that this was that moment.
The moment I realized what I hold dear ...but I also feel like I am on the verge of another revelation. I just need one more thing to...
"'Ello" The confident voice said from the doorway. "How may I help you, love." Young Miss Abigail continued without seeing my face as I guess it was concealed under the darkness of her room.
I turn toward her as I notice Miss Beechum behind this smiling young girl HOPING we can get through to her. I smile right back at her ...and I think even Doctor Beechum is weirded out by how carefully this young girl was able to mimic my body language and facial expressions ...and thinking about it, I kind of was too. I guess it was almost like the first time I saw myself on television. It was surreal what with people commenting on my performance and seeing people either cheer or boo me (I am not a favorite of angry young twenty somethings who hang out on the interweb ...but oddly enough teenaged boys cannot get enough of me for some reason. I guess they have a huge interest in psychology at that early of an age.). It was very much like that moment but a tad bit on the macabre side of things. But mostly, I just felt sad for her. It had to be a combination of low self esteem and chemicals in her brain not working properly that made her go to these lengths. "How may I help YOU, dear?" I say to the girl in the blue underwear from SEARS.
I do not think any of us knew that the reaction would be as instant as it was. This young girl immediately went catatonic when she saw my face; when she saw that this bird who she thought she was was here standing right in front of her. We waited for a few seconds for her to say something ...and then a few more seconds. After about a minute, I knew that she was not going to respond. Either this was permanent or it was the prime moment to reprogram her to be herself.
I kneel down in front of this girl in her underwear and look right at her. It is at this moment that I realize how beautiful she is ...and I hope to God that the staff makes sure that no one takes advantage of her in her mental state. I like into her hazel eyes. "My name is Brianna Casablancas but I was born Bianca Charles Winifred in London England in 1986. I was a classically trained Ballerina and was estranged from my parents. Six years ago I gave birth to baby boy I had out of an affair with one of my professors and I put him up for adoption. I have a bachelors, masters and p.h.d in psychology and up until recently I taught for for the University of Washington on their Seattle Campus. Three months ago I graduated from a wrestling training academy and lucked into a job with Online Championship Wrestling and I have since become their Central Champion. Who are you?"
The girl just stares at me in her catatonic state and I realize what a bad situation this is for his girl. Maybe this wasn't helping her. Maybe this was the equivalent of crossing the streams or travelling back in time to meet your past self or mixing pop rocks and cola together. I had to fix this ...and fast.
"Your name is Abigail Rogers and you saw me on television and began to mimic me." I said as Doctor Beechum looked like she was getting ready to pull me out here. "And that is so flattering love but I am me. My life is my own. And what I really want for you is to not have to live your life thinking you are something or someone you are not. You should not go through life imitating other's successes but find some of your own. I admire your bravery to go out there and be me but now it is time to go out there and be brave being Abigail Rogers."
She began to blink but that was not the reaction I was looking for ...but I was close to drilling into her core. I stand up and look at her. "I am not perfect. I am far from it. The television and the company I work for have to hype me up. I got fired from my job for doing another thing that I love. I had a mad man try to invade my life just because I ruined a celebration of his. You know the cheering you hear when you watch me? What you don't hear is the crowd of twenty somethings telling me I should be beat up and raped for even attempting to go out in the ring. It hurts that they do not like me. It hurts that I have a man hate me SO MUCH because I bested him that he attempts to damage me mentally. It hurts that just by performing a diagnosis that my opponent this week thinks I am making it personal ...like him aiding my tormenter was NOT personal weeks ago. And bloody hell, it hurts that I was fired. I felt dejected from a group of people I thought I belonged with. It bloody hurts that I had to watch another woman raise my son better than I know I ever could." I paused as it seemed that there was some movement in her face and it was not just mimicking mine. There was a reaction to what I was saying. And, goodness me, I am suddenly in tears. I guess I need to take this one back to it's flat, don't I? "I know you see me smiling all of the time but I have had my pain. I have had people reject me or just straight out try to break me for no other reason than me being myself. We ALL go through it, love. Yes, I smile because I am very positive and happy person ...but it took a whole lot of pain to get me to that point. I want you to have that journey too, love. Whatever happened. Whatever hurt you. You are strong enough to get through it dear."
I stop to wipe the tears from my eyes and I am taken aback as this young nineteen year old launches herself into me and I take her by the arms and hold her as if she were my child. She whispers in my ear. "I am sorry."
"You did absolutely nothing wrong and I have a feeling that this is where the healing process begins. Whatever hurt you, whatever formed you, whatever in your mind triggered this, can all be helped. Doctor Beechum and I will make sure of it." She holds on even tighter as I realize this was that other half of the revelation. This was that moment where everything has come together. All the pain and all of her happiness. They have formed me. They have made me Brianna Casablancas. While maybe I wasn't so much an individual in the psychology field and you could categorize me into a group of others in that profession and not be able to find me, in the grappling world I was one of kind. No, I was NOT a wrestling god or anything close to it. And someday, I will have my falls from graces. But at this moment in time, I am right where I belong and I am here as a one of a kind. And this was the moment I realized it.
The moment that I realized that I am Brianna Casablancas and in OCW, you cannot just toss me away and replace me with just any person. And I'll be damned if I beat Ian Bishop just be replaced by one of his many clones in this industry. There are several Ian Bishops and Sean Fullers but I am absolutely positive there is only one Brianna Casablancas.
The thoughts of these men run through my head as I begin training at the gym. I plan to monologue all throughout my training session all of my thoughts and feelings about each workout and then I will, still in my head, narrate how I plan on dissecting Sean Fuller at Massacre.
I am taking the piss with you. Nobody has any interest in stuff that takes place at a gym, no do they? I actually do not get a lot of thought done while I am in the gym. Meditation and ballet? Yes, absolutely. But the gym is where I turn my head off and just focus on toning my body to do what it needs to do. Unfortunately, this also requires to not eat some of the best foods ever created. Apparently, eating your weight in chocolate threatens a healthy body ...but more importantly, junk food threatens a healthy mind. It is a pity that some of the best tasting stuff is the stuff that is terrible for us all together.
Instead of all of that, I am doing something that is kind of combines the best of both worlds for me. I am entering what many people think are insane asylums but are really just homes with mental illnesses that cripple them from living normal lives. Some are forced in by the county due to many different reasons while others commit themselves on account of the real world being too real to them. Obviously, the rest of the world see these men and women as absolutely mental and write them off as such. Worse yet there are people that misrepresent them by claiming to suffer from disorders they do not even understand. There are unfair negative stereotypes for almost everyone but maybe these people suffer the worst because of it. They are not villains or recluses but men and women whose wiring just is set up differently than others ...and THAT goes way beyond not eating right. I wonder what they would think had they known that some of the greatest men in history were tested to be insane? Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan were all said to have tested positive for being psychopaths (by the way, psychopaths and sociopaths are the same thing as far as the medical journals are concerned. There always seems to be confusion on that issue.) Clearly, being insane doesn't have to be awful as everyone makes it out to be.
You might be pondering "what is Brianna doing here?" as I walk through the automated sliding glass doors of this facility. It is a lark of a story really. I received an email from one of the doctors here at the Bohsman Center for the Mentally Ill. To be honest, I received it at a time that was ideal as I was still upset with losing my job at the University for being 'too popular' as a wrestler, so this request did brighten my day. This nurse wrote in this letter that there is a young girl schizophrenia that has started to believe she is me after watching a few episodes of Massacre. Apparently she has a past of starting to believe she was different people she admired. She was Katy Perry for a bit then Scarlett Johansson, and she even believed that she was Michelle Obama for a bit. It was highly flattering to be put in the same category with those women ...and completely undeserving. I am 'wrestling veteran' of only three months and while yes, I have had some great success in the ring that is merely a fraction of other people in OCW. I have a long way to go before I am grappling's Michelle Obama.
In any case, this young lady's Doctor, Dr. Beecham, contacted me as she read that I was going to be in Bohsman this weekend. She politely asked that not only because I was going to be in town but also because I am a psychologist that maybe I can help break this delusion once and for all by talking to this young girl named Abigail. Contrary to popular belief, MOST people with mental illnesses can live completely normal lives, they just need to confront their problem and then be trained on how to backslide ...because the illness will still be there but it can be repressed. Hopefully I can reach out to this young girl and make a REAL difference in someone's life. After all, what is the point of being a pseudo celebrity if you cannot make a change for the positive in at least one of your fan's lives and maybe make some progress in the study of those who begin to believe they are someone else? Remember that schizophrenia is not the same of multiple personality disorder so this behavior is rare but not unheard of.
"Doctor Casablancas." An overweight black lady says the moment I enter the building. I guess she did not want me to hassle with security and making sure I had the proper clearances. I could even see the front desk clerk and the guards in the front immediately begin to eye me. Obviously, they only want professionals behind those doors. But they both seemed highly jumpy but I chalk that up to most receptionists and security guards having an inferiority complex in many cases.
"Doctor Beechum, I presume." I reply as I extend my hand towards hers and she immediately shakes it. A look of slight pain enters her face as I remember that I am a bird who has to be at the peak of physical strength. I quickly let go of the grip I have on this lady. "It is a pleasure to meet you."
"As it is a pleasure to meet you as well. I know you have a busy schedule what with the athletic career and your job at the university." While, I accept why I was let go and the fact that not everybody from either side is going to understand there is still that sting when you realized that an institution would like to have nothing to do with you because of something you have fallen absolutely in love with.
I shake off the sting and give a 'vintage' Brianna Casablancas smile. "Actually, myself and the university of Washington have parted ways which I believe is a blessing in disguise as it leaves more time open to take freelance jobs as well as focus on my other profession."
"Yes, the wrestling career." As she leads me to the door that leads to the rest of the institution she gives me a look I have seen from many a person before. It is a look that says I do not understand what it is you do and why you would enjoy it. I also saw another thought on her face that she DOES voice. "So do they give you scripts or do you just improvise?" That is a question I get asked a lot. Funny, there are STILL people out there that believe wrestling is fake.
I concede that some people just do not want understand the sport or see it for how truly elaborate it is ...so I lie to her. "It is something like that, love." As we walk down the hall, passing a group of men wearing the same basic uniform, gray jumpsuits with vacant stares due to too much medication, I believe that I am going to meet someone who actually does 'get it' as far as what I do in the ring. And I realize that I could have that conversation with the patient but not with Doctor Beechum. I am a means to an end for this bird to help one of her patients. She probably sways more towards the perspective of Dean Flanagan in general. Instead of drawing a conversation she could care less about I focus on her patient. "In your e-mail you said this young lady, Abigail, has an accelerated case of hero worship where she believes she is the people she idolizes?"
"Yes, she did not start out this way." Doctor Beechum began as they walked towards what Brianna assumed was the recreation room. "At first she was JUST schizophrenic. You know, extreme paranoia and hearing voices that weren't there but about six months later she began to develope these delusions that she was different people from the media. A few weeks ago, we thought that she moved away from it because she was behaving a bit more normal; she was even giving medical advice to the other patients ...but then the chairshots began."
I nod my head not trying to giggle a little bit at this notion. "Does she have spells where she snaps out of it?"
"Again, it is hard to tell. When she was Katy Perry, we knew when she was or wasn't in the delusion ...but since none of us really knew who you were, it was harder to pinpoint. We didn't realize until one of the guards was watching Massacre and noticed that you were doing the same mannerisms as she would do and that you would act like she was acting. And, of course, there was the attire." Doctor Beecham says as we make it to the rec room where there is a window that can peek in. I am under the impression that the patients believe it to be a mirror. I look at her confused as to what she is talking about with that last sentence.
"Attire" I ask her with a raised eyebrow.
She points to the window that looks into the recreation room. "See for yourself."
What I see is a bit surreal. Running from the side of the Rec. carrying a steel chair is a young girl in her late teens running around in matching blue bra and panties and a makeshift robe. She is chasing around another patient with bright smile on her face. She screams at this patient "Stop Ian, you are not confronting your feelings of insecurity, love." The patient runs away from this young girl with an identity crisis.
This time I actually do chuckle and then say almost to myself. "Do I actually come off like that?"
"We don't get why you are always in your underwear for promotional material." She says giving me that 'you are a huge slut, aren't you?' look I get sometimes.
"It is actually my ring gear." I try to explain to her without seeming too defensive.
"Really, because it looks a lot like lingerie..." She says now with a tone that YELLS 'you are just a cheap harlot.'
"It isn't." I respond before trying to change the subject back to the reason that I am here: this young girl who believes she is me ...right down to the not underwear underwear. I turn to Doctor Beechum as this young, very pretty, skinny redhead stops calling for another female patient to help her and she will give her food. The other female patient looks confused. "Has she had a change in the dosage of pills at all since she arrived here?"
"She has been on the same dosage of lithium since she was sixteen. We do not know what brought it on or how to fix it." She pauses and stares at me differently than has before because it has begun to sink in that if she wants to help his young girl she needs to treat me like a colleague, not a brain dead roided out fluffer that many of those outside the industry believe us to be. "We thought that maybe meeting you face to face would AT LEAST help us find the cause of all of it and at the very best help her to confront the sickness and MAYBE be able to learn how to lead a normal life in society."
"I would very much like to see that for her and I am willing to help in any way I can." I say as she looks on in agreement, finally settling in on the fact that yes, I do have a p.h.d and yes, I have it for a reason.
"Please go to room 2-B which is upstairs. We are going to approach her and take her to you. Remember that her reaction can range from hostile to admiration and it could change within an instant." She says as I could see the doubt in her body language.
"Will do." I say giving one of the cheesiest thumbs up anyone has ever given.
And thus I begin my walk to room 2-B which I am assuming is the patients room. As continue my journey upstairs to the living quarters of the institution my mind wanders again. It wanders to the idea of imitation which makes me think if people are really that replaceable. I know that I was replaceable at University of Washington but does that go hand in hand with the wrestling world. In a way, I think it does. I think no matter what, there will be a time when a torch is to be passed from one person to another. I know that I cannot remain unpinned and the Central champion forever and yes, I could very well be tempting fate by defending against every member of The Family. There indeed will come a time when I am to be replaced. It is the circle of life.
As I walk up those steps to young Abigail's room though, I realize that the wrestling world is NOT the world of psychology. There are millions of Brianna Casablancas in the world of psychology and there are a million more waiting to replace them. But in the wrestling world, right now, I am the only one. And I am where I am at for a reason and that isn't to sound cocky, oh imaginary brain viewer, but it is because, as my former students said, there hasn't been many like me to pass through the doors. And I can take solace in the fact that I have a young girl actually aspire to be me. I guess it is true, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But, there is a lot to be said for being your own person though. Nobody should have to go through life trying to be someone else or trying to imitate someone else's success. But at least this young girl seems to have understood me and what I hold dear. She is sincere in her imitation and I am sure she believes every bit of herself when she tells herself that she is me. I hope that I can help her by Abigail and love herself as is and maybe one day function in normal society.
I turn the corner to her room as I pass by other patients in the institution and I smile at them as they give me those vacant stares. And to think there are people that exploit these people's state of mind by claiming to be one of them; it is insulting and it is disgusting. And it is exactly what Sean Fuller tries to sell himself on. He pimps out the notion of being mentally ill as if it were his whore. And he is going to ride that exploitation towards me thinking that he can be the replacement; that he can take over. Yes, I can and I will one day be replaced but I will be damned if it is by Sean Fuller. Oh, do not get me wrong, he is definitely a replacement. He is a replacement Ian Bishop. He says the same stuff Ian Bishop said before facing me both times and he thrives off of being violent towards others as if it is intimidating for those of us who can actually win a match without those tactics in place, just like Ian. I know that he is going through his own personal problems right now as well with custody over a child ...before a title match. This is beginning to sound VERY familiar but I don't know where I heard it before. But I guess imitation REALLY is the sincerest form of flattery. That is how you know he is not a psychopath ...psychopaths are more creative. Someone needs to remind me to ask Alice what she thought when Ana Archia came in and tried imitating her without understanding what made her successful in the first place as well.
And here I am, awaiting my imposter to arrive and yes, my mind does keep wandering to back to the notion of being replaceable and if I like that concept. Am I ready to be replaced in the world of wrestling? I know I am came in with a lax attitude towards titles but I have come so far just to let someone; anyone take the title from me. I know that three months with not being pinned is an amazing achievement as is winning a title so early on in my career. But does that mean I can still have the same state of mind I had beforehand? I obviously have tapped into something here and I am just not ready to let it go just yet. I did not expect to be 'here' this early but I am here now and I am just not ready to roll over and let someone else take it. Yes, originally I just wanted to humiliate Ian but now? Well, that was a journey that molded me I guess. I was pushed aside for someone else in my other profession and that did not feel too good. And this whole Central title thing means more to me doesn't it? More than my psychology career?
I guess it kind of does.
That is a sting I do not want to face again. I am on this wave now, I bloody well should ride it until I cannot ride no more. And if a wanker wants to tell me that they have cut my funding, they should bloody well be prepared to fight me until I am motionless. Oh, look at that, I am a little on the fumed side here. I realize that this was that moment.
The moment I realized what I hold dear ...but I also feel like I am on the verge of another revelation. I just need one more thing to...
"'Ello" The confident voice said from the doorway. "How may I help you, love." Young Miss Abigail continued without seeing my face as I guess it was concealed under the darkness of her room.
I turn toward her as I notice Miss Beechum behind this smiling young girl HOPING we can get through to her. I smile right back at her ...and I think even Doctor Beechum is weirded out by how carefully this young girl was able to mimic my body language and facial expressions ...and thinking about it, I kind of was too. I guess it was almost like the first time I saw myself on television. It was surreal what with people commenting on my performance and seeing people either cheer or boo me (I am not a favorite of angry young twenty somethings who hang out on the interweb ...but oddly enough teenaged boys cannot get enough of me for some reason. I guess they have a huge interest in psychology at that early of an age.). It was very much like that moment but a tad bit on the macabre side of things. But mostly, I just felt sad for her. It had to be a combination of low self esteem and chemicals in her brain not working properly that made her go to these lengths. "How may I help YOU, dear?" I say to the girl in the blue underwear from SEARS.
I do not think any of us knew that the reaction would be as instant as it was. This young girl immediately went catatonic when she saw my face; when she saw that this bird who she thought she was was here standing right in front of her. We waited for a few seconds for her to say something ...and then a few more seconds. After about a minute, I knew that she was not going to respond. Either this was permanent or it was the prime moment to reprogram her to be herself.
I kneel down in front of this girl in her underwear and look right at her. It is at this moment that I realize how beautiful she is ...and I hope to God that the staff makes sure that no one takes advantage of her in her mental state. I like into her hazel eyes. "My name is Brianna Casablancas but I was born Bianca Charles Winifred in London England in 1986. I was a classically trained Ballerina and was estranged from my parents. Six years ago I gave birth to baby boy I had out of an affair with one of my professors and I put him up for adoption. I have a bachelors, masters and p.h.d in psychology and up until recently I taught for for the University of Washington on their Seattle Campus. Three months ago I graduated from a wrestling training academy and lucked into a job with Online Championship Wrestling and I have since become their Central Champion. Who are you?"
The girl just stares at me in her catatonic state and I realize what a bad situation this is for his girl. Maybe this wasn't helping her. Maybe this was the equivalent of crossing the streams or travelling back in time to meet your past self or mixing pop rocks and cola together. I had to fix this ...and fast.
"Your name is Abigail Rogers and you saw me on television and began to mimic me." I said as Doctor Beechum looked like she was getting ready to pull me out here. "And that is so flattering love but I am me. My life is my own. And what I really want for you is to not have to live your life thinking you are something or someone you are not. You should not go through life imitating other's successes but find some of your own. I admire your bravery to go out there and be me but now it is time to go out there and be brave being Abigail Rogers."
She began to blink but that was not the reaction I was looking for ...but I was close to drilling into her core. I stand up and look at her. "I am not perfect. I am far from it. The television and the company I work for have to hype me up. I got fired from my job for doing another thing that I love. I had a mad man try to invade my life just because I ruined a celebration of his. You know the cheering you hear when you watch me? What you don't hear is the crowd of twenty somethings telling me I should be beat up and raped for even attempting to go out in the ring. It hurts that they do not like me. It hurts that I have a man hate me SO MUCH because I bested him that he attempts to damage me mentally. It hurts that just by performing a diagnosis that my opponent this week thinks I am making it personal ...like him aiding my tormenter was NOT personal weeks ago. And bloody hell, it hurts that I was fired. I felt dejected from a group of people I thought I belonged with. It bloody hurts that I had to watch another woman raise my son better than I know I ever could." I paused as it seemed that there was some movement in her face and it was not just mimicking mine. There was a reaction to what I was saying. And, goodness me, I am suddenly in tears. I guess I need to take this one back to it's flat, don't I? "I know you see me smiling all of the time but I have had my pain. I have had people reject me or just straight out try to break me for no other reason than me being myself. We ALL go through it, love. Yes, I smile because I am very positive and happy person ...but it took a whole lot of pain to get me to that point. I want you to have that journey too, love. Whatever happened. Whatever hurt you. You are strong enough to get through it dear."
I stop to wipe the tears from my eyes and I am taken aback as this young nineteen year old launches herself into me and I take her by the arms and hold her as if she were my child. She whispers in my ear. "I am sorry."
"You did absolutely nothing wrong and I have a feeling that this is where the healing process begins. Whatever hurt you, whatever formed you, whatever in your mind triggered this, can all be helped. Doctor Beechum and I will make sure of it." She holds on even tighter as I realize this was that other half of the revelation. This was that moment where everything has come together. All the pain and all of her happiness. They have formed me. They have made me Brianna Casablancas. While maybe I wasn't so much an individual in the psychology field and you could categorize me into a group of others in that profession and not be able to find me, in the grappling world I was one of kind. No, I was NOT a wrestling god or anything close to it. And someday, I will have my falls from graces. But at this moment in time, I am right where I belong and I am here as a one of a kind. And this was the moment I realized it.
The moment that I realized that I am Brianna Casablancas and in OCW, you cannot just toss me away and replace me with just any person. And I'll be damned if I beat Ian Bishop just be replaced by one of his many clones in this industry. There are several Ian Bishops and Sean Fullers but I am absolutely positive there is only one Brianna Casablancas.
