Post by Vargas on Jan 23, 2022 23:48:41 GMT -5
We catch up with a flashback from the other day. The skank with skid-marked drawers sits on Vargas’ porch swing. She’s all by herself, she thinks she is a ten. But, she’s a typical worthless cunt. Nothing more than a vagina to accept a load into. Bred for the kitchen and doing every chore she’s asked to do. Either way, that bitch is straight basking in the sun on a warm Tennessee morning. Just then, Vargas’ butler Clarence steps outside. You can tell he looks uncomfortable. He wears an awkward look. He adjusts his tie and clears his throat as he approaches the young hoe.
Clarence: Ma’am?
She looks up at Clarence and giggles. Looks like she’s a fan of dark meat. Clarence can’t help but smirk, probably dog this bitch out in no time. BUT, Ole Clarence has a job to do. He forces a smile and goes in for the kill.
Clarence: Well, ma’am, I’been asked… Well. Massa Chad want’me ask’a you to leave.
Slut: Leave?
Clarence: Yessah ma’am. Straight’up bounce is what I’m told. Your services are no longer need’t.
The look of utter confusion washes over her face. She doesn’t understand. A girl of “her” caliber being asked to leave by a brotha of all people.
Slut: I don’t understand. I thought I was here to enter the sandwich making contest?!
Inside, Clarence erupts with laughter. Thinking to himself...
Clarence’s Mind: This racist, misogynist prick actually did it. He put an ad out for a motherfucking sandwich making contest and this dumb bitch actually answered it! Retirement must be really fucking boring. WHITE PRIVILEGE.
He ponders a moment for what his next words.
Clarence: Well ma’am, contest been cancel’d. Damn’dest thing. Massa Chad decided against… hosting… it. But ay, you ever around here… Here’s muh numba’.
Clarence hands her a small piece of notepad paper with his phone number scribbled on it. She smiles. Purposely pushing her little titties in his face.
Slut: This isn’t about the toilet, is it?
She asks with a giggle as she cocks her leg and releases a wet juicy fart. Clarence’s eyes widen in horror… But, a smile slowly covers his face. Not sure whether to be grossed out or turned on. He nods as if to say “fuck yeah this bitch fine”. She smiles as she jumps up and skips down the porch to her parked Prius. As she opens the driver’s door, she dips her hips and looks back up to Clarence who stands there in awe.
Slut: Love me some black cock!
Clarence’s eyes widen further, if you can believe that. This bitch is crazy. Clarence grabs his crotch and says some dirty shit back to her. She giggles again, as she bends over the front of her car and puts her ass into the air. She pushes her thong over exposing the crack of her ass, spreads her asscheeks and lets loose a MASSIVE near shit fart. She jumps in her car and heads on down the road leaving Clarence in LOVE at first sight.
What did this bitch eat?
We fade out as Clarence stands there at half-staff. Holy fuck could you imagine it at full-staff? Son of a bitch would be 32 inches! The camera pans into the kitchen and slowly fades away as Aunt Roaslie is slavin’ away in the kitchen.
UNCLE MONTY’S ROCKIN’ WRASSLIN’ PODCAST
We are live in studio for the greatest wrestling podcast on the ether today, hosted by long-time OCW loyalist and all around pro-wrestling nerd, Monty Philpot. Nickelback’s “Burn it to the Ground” plays as the show’s graphic set cycles through. Wrestlers from past, present, and future are seen as the music plays, we see them all, from Hogan, Flair, Kreller Masters, Josh Allen, all chatting it up and laughing with Monty at different points of their careers. We aren’t sure about the Nickelback preference, but it’s his fuckin’ show, not ours. And in his mind, Monty thinks Nickelback is BAD ASS. Monty sits behind the glass table with a radio microphone in front of him.
Monty: What it do fellas and fellettes?! It’s your boy Monty and this is… UNCLE MONTY’S Rockin’ Wrasslin’ Podcast. It’s Wednesday mornin’ and we’re gonna get another episode cranking for your listening pleasure. I’ve got a VERY special guest in the house today. It is, none other than professional wrestling royalty, the heatseeking missile himself, CHAD VARGAS!!!
As big as a nerd as Monty is, he’s a smart mark that’s been around the business for a long time, and has received a lot of respect and praise from the boys. Boys from many wrestling promotions around the globe. This is the second encounter Vargas’ had with him. Vargas however, hasn’t been on the show since 2016.
The opening chords of Skynyrd’s “Needle and the Spoon” takes over the airwaves as Monty’s producers sprinkle in loud boos over the music to filter in crowd noise. Vargas smirks as he enters the studio from the back. He goes right up to Monty and extends his hand for a gentlemanly hand shake. Monty and Vargas exchange pleasantries as Vargas takes his seat at the table across from him. He grabs headphones from the top of the table and places them on his head over his ears. He takes a seat and adjusts his microphone ready to go.
Monty: Chad! Fuck yeah! Great to see you man! I gotta ask, what’s the haps?!
Vargas: Ay boss. Good to be here, thanks. Not much, just training and getting ready for my return to the ring. Back to punchin’ that time clock.
Monty shakes his head as if to say, “fuckin’ A right”. Stoked for the almighty Chad Vargas to return to the squared circle.
Monty: I can’t overstate how great it is for you to be back on the show. I’ve loved wrestling since I was 5 years old and man… wrestling is dying! OCW will always produce strong content but… some of these guys and gals, man! Yikes! There’s a lot I want to talk to you about, but, let me hear what you think of the state of professional wrestling in 2022 from your perspective?!
Monty is wastes no time putting Vargas over. But as can be expected, Vargas takes it all in, nodding in agreement with Monty’s assessment.
Vargas: God damn. Where to start? 2022 is a fuckin’ cesspool. Cancel culture little soft ass pussies. Wrestling is an embarrassment these days. The work rate sucks. Nobody knows how to get themselves over with the fans. Nobody wants to work for a top spot. Hell, ain’t nobody even know how to hit the fuckin’ gym anymore. I’ll be honest, I don’t watch wrestling, don’t even pay much attention to OCW. What a fuckin’ clusterfuck it is these days. That’s why you see mid-carders from top to bottom in OCW. Ain’t no one PURE GOLD at the top. Fuck, I don’t know whether it’s WEAK ASS BOOKING or the crop of “talent”. Say what you want about Welsh, he’s a wrestling genius, but he can only work with what he has. You can’t build a house with bent nails. And all that mother fucker has lately is… bent nails.
Monty laughs shaking his fist in excitement. Knowing Vargas won’t pull and punches and let his opinion fly.
Vargas: …Bent nails and broads who think they’re something special. Zero talent, zero ability, zero originality. Don’t get me wrong. MJ Bell and Alice Knight are two of my favorite women of all time, great friends of mine, but let’s be honest, neither belong in a wrestling promotion unless they are carrying the bags of the REAL athlete. But then again, look at the men currently!? Wrestling is about STRENGTH and AGGRESSION. Gideon Cross is built like my pre-teen son. It’s a fuckin’ joke man. I could end Cross’ life with one hand tied behind my back and the other one on my cock. Dylan Thomas and Brim too.
Monty: Are you just saying that because Brim is black?
Vargas acts offended.
Vargas: He’s black? Fuck man, honestly, I don’t even know who he is…
Monty: Fuck! You really have no idea what’s going on in OCW do you? But, straight bury him anyway, right?!
Monty pulls out his phone and starts typing away. He shows his phone to Vargas.
Monty: That’s Brim!
Vargas makes a face like “ahhh, OK.” Quickly flashing a smile.
Vargas: Awful ugly mother fucker ain’t he? But nah, you see what I mean? Atleast this dude is built like a wrestler. I’d buy him actually doing some damage onto someone. I’d rather watch him work a match then Veronica Stradler or Emma Gordon’s scrawny asses.
Monty: Strader. And it’s Erin Gordon.
Vargas’ looks at Monty as if he’s got a giant vagina growing out of his forehead. A few seconds pass in silence…
Vargas: And? As if I give a shit? Who cares what their names are! They aren’t even in my league to remember OR care about their fuckin’ names. They could be sucking me off right now and I still wouldn’t give a fuck about them. They should be taking loads somewhere in the back, not on television in my wrestling ring!
Monty: Heyyyyy. Ladies! I’m still a big fan, your boy, Monty!!! THIS is why they call him the heatseeker ladies and gentlemen! Big Bad Chad! Straight off the cuff!
Vargas shakes his head in disgust.
Vargas: Suck ass.
Monty: We get it. You hate women and people of color. You hate religion. You hat---
Vargas interjects correct him.
Vargas: I love my wife, and I love my colored TV. I don’t hate anyone, but what I do hate, I hate it equally. Why these thin skinned Karen’s in the world today think everyone’s out to get them? Truth is, nobody fucking cares. The boogeyman isn’t real, stupid fucks!
Monty: You do have a couple of... um... well... African American employees, how did you come to meet them?
Vargas: Great employees too. They are truly apart of the family. Say what you will, but they are well taken care of financially. I saved Aunt Rosalie from the strip club. Bitch makes killer grits. Tits ain't what they used to be, so I'm thinkin' I did her a favor. Clarence used to sling dirt across the street from my bar… THE GLORY HOLE. I took ‘em in and changed his whole life. That’s why they call me the OVERSEE-ER OF LIFE, Monty. I saved their lives from utter disappointment.
Monty: You ARE a fucking saint, Chad!
Vargas: Thank you.
Monty: So what’s been up man? Had the ‘VID eh?
Vargas laughs and rolls his eyes.
Vargas: Yeah. Oh my! I felt little under the weather for one day! OH NO! Let’s all run and hide under our beds for the rest of our lives! Stupid ass fuckin’ sheep believe everything daddy tells them.
Monty: Sheep ass pussies, am I right?! Random, but, you really hate The Incredible One don’t you?
Vargas: Can’t stand his lazy ass. Absolute trash pussy. He’s the kinda guy that’d take his woman’s last name if he got married. I doubt he will ever get lucky enough to even get a piece of pussy, EVER though.
Monty: Yeah… I don’t know about TIO. Wouldn’t come on the show for some reason.
Vargas: Probably because TIO is offended by words. But plays a tough guy on TV. Welcome to 2022 wrestling, Monty, what can I tell you?
Monty: All hail TWITTER-VERSE!
Vargas and Monty laugh together at the pathetic state of 2022 professional wrestling.
Monty: But, hey, for real now - Curt f’n Canon. Detriot, Michigan. January 30th. Canon is already got you 0-1.
Vargas: He does?
Monty: Last month?
Vargas: What about it?
Monty sees he’s not getting anywhere with this and gives up.
Monty: You no-selling motherfucker! I love your style Chad.
Vargas nods.
Monty: Curt Canon. C’mon though, this is gonna be a great match up. Personally aside from Maurako/Outkast, I don’t see much that could top this heavyweight matchup.
Vargas: Appreciate it, hoss. Listen, I’m just hoping I can get in and out of Detriot without getting capped. Those inner city guys don’t really care for a successful white man these days.
Monty: Oh you’ll be fine. I’m sure you’re going strapped anyway. But tell me. Canon. Final thoughts on the match up? It’s a shame about cute little Checkers.
Monty pulls a Checkers stuffed monkey from under the table and sits him up between him and Vargas. Within seconds, Vargas bitchslaps the stuffed animal across the studio.
Vargas: What, are you gay?! Fuck Checkers. I always thought he was annoying and pitiful. Aside from Checkers, I’ve said it before, I like Canon. I’ve traveled down the roads with him back in the day, spend time on an island with him, really got to know the guy. He’s old school. He’s tough. He’s legitimate. But it’ll come down to who wants it more. I’m ready to ride off into the sunset, and I’ve gotta take his life before I do so. I’m riding off into the sunset with the strap around my waist. I can only do that by putting Canon down at Access Denied. I don’t care what stupid ass stipulation Welsh throws at us. Shit, I’ve thrown Bob Grenier off the green moster before, I think I can handle some monkey bars. You wanna take it back to kindergarten, let’s go!
Monty: There you have it ladies and gentlemen! With Access Denied a mere days away, we look forward to this battle between two HALL of FAMERS! Don’t forget to tune in next week, same time, same channel! We will have Josie Barnes LIVE in studio!
Don’t worry, McDonalds is catering that show. We slowly fade out to classic Vargas’ clips.
