"Insurection", Outcast vs The Evil Dead, Pt 3

[Outcast]

The Potomac River is still and calm, the only ripples on the water coming from the autumn breeze that blows across the surface of the water. The calmness is broken as I burst through the surface of the river, gasping for air as I had escaped the car.

I swim to shore and drag myself up the muddy bank. While trying to catch my breath I look back to the bridge and see the car is gone. I hope Lopez made it out of this sh*t safe, but hope and safety seem in pretty low supply currently.

The sun is beginning to set and the temperature will soon drop, I need to find shelter and warmth. I push myself to my feet and take one last look at the blown-out bridge before seeking shelter.

I find shelter in an abandoned house, of which there are now many in the area. I collect some sticks, break down old furniture, and collect scrap paper to start a fire. While doing so I explored the surrounding houses and found an ax that was handy in getting firewood, and a shotgun that will be handy is killing those deadite motherf**kers.

I now sit by the fire, drying out my clothes and warming my body. I watch the flames dance around and my thoughts dance with them. Eventually, those thoughts land on Peter Vaughn and our upcoming war.


Petey seems to think that my reign as OCW champion will be like him with a woman, a one-pump-chump. Petey, you should know that I’m a marathon man, just ask around the OCW rats. As long as it has taken me to become champion, you think I’ll just give it up on my first defense.

F**k no.

I’ll die before I give this championship up. I’d rather be dead than go back to a life of obscurity, I know what it was to be a “never was”, and I refuse to live one day as a has-been. You want to talk about war Petey, well trying to take the OCW championship from me will be a war. It’s going to be your Saigon, your Afghanistan, your most haunting defeat and a constant reminder that is called back to anytime in the future that puff your chest out and try to be a badass.

I shake my head and scoff to myself. “This stupid motherf**ker” I think and say out loud.

What the f**k do you know about war Petey? You talk about leading OCW to war against XWF like you’re some war-hardened veteran. Petey, you don’t know a damn thing about war. Mike Zybala, Dylan Thomas, are those wars? Hell no, and the fact that you claim to know of war is as laughable as you claiming to know about being evil or living the darkness. You’re a joke Petey, nothing more than the court jester playing a part.

Like that Jester, you are not to be taken seriously, and you know what, no one does take you seriously. You are a joke, Petey, and everyone will always see you as one. You may have adopted a new persona, but beating up Zybala and Thomas doesn’t make you a monster, you’re just the biggest kernel of corn sitting at the top of sh*t mountain. Come October tenth it is time to flush that turd down the toilet. Your dreams, your hopes, your whole career will be flushed along with it.

Suddenly the TV flickers on and I see Lopez.

CHRISTIAN HELP ME!

I dart to the TV just as Lopez is pulled away by her hair. The person doing the pulling is revealed, and to my shock, it is Peter Vaughn. In one hand he holds Lopez by the hair and in the other, he holds the Necronomicon.

Outcast, I know you long to be a hero, and now is your chance. Meet me on the lawn of the capital at midnight and I’ll give you that chance. I’ll bring the book and the girl; all you have to bring is the OCW championship and we fight for it all. Fight to the death, that is.

YOU SON OF…

I lunge at the TV set but as I do the screen goes black. Ok, Vaughn, you want a fight to the death, that is what we were going to have at Masters of the Macabre, but I’ll gladly give it to you tonight.

I’m soon on my way to the capital, I want to get there early, not because I am punctual, but because I know Vaughn will have traps set for me. I grip the steering wheel of the truck I have commandeered and look at my tools of destruction beside me. The ax, the shotgun which I have sawed off, a couple bottles of liquor I have fashioned into Molotov’s, and my trusty Zippo.

I see the capital in the distance and my hands grip the wheel tighter. I know that this may be my final fight, but I have known for quite some time now that any fight could be my last. It is why I fight with such reckless abandon. People think I’m crazy, but I’m not, I just refuse to go quietly into that goodnight. I know that I may die, but no one makes it out of this world alive. Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives. For me, if I’m not living as a warrior, then I am the walking dead.

I know I’m walking into war. The stakes may be higher than any war I’ve ever fought before, but war is always the same. War is always hell, so when you say we are going to war Pete, know that we are going to hell, and that is a place I am both familiar and comfortable with.

Set the demons free and watch 'em fly
Strike down the one who leads me
I'm gonna take his place
Gonna vindicate the human race
Better watch out
'Cause I'm a war machine

I make it to the capital and walk onto the lawn, carrying my duffle bag of goodies. There isn’t a soul in sight, it is quiet, too quiet.

CHRISTIAN!

I look up to see Lopez at the top of the steps being held by Vaughn.

LOPEZ!

It hits me, I don’t know her first name. This whole time I was distracted by her beauty, something about her commanding presence and her big beautiful, uh eyes, yeah, her big beautiful eyes, that’s it.

Lopez has a chain around her neck, by which Vaughn holds her. In his other hand, he holds the Necronomicon.

DID YOU BRING IT!?!

I snarl and unzip the duffle bag to reveal the OCW championship.

HAND IT OVER!

How about you come and take it motherf**ker.

With pleasure…. EXSURGE, MILITES!

The ground suddenly begins to rumble and then crack open. Well, I knew some kind of sh*t was coming. I pull the sawed-off shotgun and the ax from the bag as I see skeletons begin to rise from the ground, and there are a lot of skeletons buried in this yard.

I grip the ax handle tight with one hand and cock the shotgun with the other.

Let’s dance you Lindsay Lohan looking a$$holes.

I swing the ax like a haymaker punch and take the head clean off of a deadite skeleton. The body crumbles, and. I use the momentum to spin myself around and fire the shotgun blast into the face of another blowing his head and brains all over the lawn. I keep hacking and blasting away at the deadites, but they just keep coming. Before I know it I’m out of shells and they are closing in faster than I can swing.

I feel a bit of panic begin to rush in as I become surrounded. “How the hell are you gonna get out of this one?”, I ask myself.

Then it hits me.

I sink my ax into the top of a deadites skull and the blade lodges into the skull, just as I had planned. I spin in a circle and throw the deadite like a bowling ball, using him to knock down other deadites and clear a path.

I grab my duffle and run down the path and the deadites give chase. I make it to the steps of the capital and stop at the top of the first flight and turn back to see the army of deadites. They followed me like the mindless drones they are. I unzip the duffle and grab the two Molotov’s. I flip my trusty Zippo open and light um up.

Yo, Dead-Dicks… this rounds on me.

I throw the bottles into the crowd and they shatter sending flames throughout the huddled mass of deadites. The deadites bump into each other spreading the flames even more and their attention is now off of me and onto stopping the burning of their bones. Time to get the book, and the girl.

I race up the steps and when I get to the top Vaughn is there, dangling Lopez over the edge by the chain, and in the other hand holds the Necronomicon.

Don’t take another step or I’ll drop her. Now, toss over the title or Lopez dies.

I look at Lopez scratching at the collar that holds her and at Vaughn’s beady little eyes, at least what I can see of them through the stupid mask he wears. I will say it is an improvement over his ugly mug though.

I slowly bend down and unzip the bag and I see the ax on top of the OCW championship, and a light-bulb goes off.

I pull the championship up and hold it.

GIVE IT TO ME!

I nod my head and toss the title towards him, but not close enough for him to catch. Frustrated, Vaughn yanks the chain and whips Lopez on the concrete, and then heads for the OCW championship. I see his filthy hands, with dried feces under his fingernails reaching for the belt. I can’t let him grasp it, I can’t let Petey taint the championship.


With a fluid movement, I pull the ax from the bag and throw it like I’m a professional lumberjack. The sharp blade slices through Pete’s arm like a hot knife through butter.

AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!

Petey falls to his knees clutching his stub. It’s time to finish this motherf**ker off.

I move towards Vaughn and right before he is in striking distance, I hear her.

CHRISTIAN!

Lopez. I turn around to look at those big beautiful eyes I mentioned earlier, but in their place is the darkness. She has turned, and the sight stuns me.

Lopez punches me across the face with the chain wrapped around her fist. It drops me on my butt and knocks me loopy. I quickly shake the cobwebs off just in time to see the chain flying towards my crotch.

I scoot back and the chain narrowly misses turning me into a Miss. I grab the chain and get to my feet, but Lopez pulls me into her and headbutts me in the face. I stagger again but hold onto the chain. I find myself against a pillar and have another light bulb moment.

Ya know, I was gonna take you to bed after I got the book, but now, you are one ugly broad now.

BROAD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!

She charges me, I move at the last second and she runs into the pillar. I quickly wrap the chain around the pillar tying her up. I pick up my ax and look at her one last time.

What a shame.

I swing the ax and then watch as her head rolls across the ground. What is it with women losing their heads around me?

Now, where did Petey get off to?

I grab the OCW championship and follow the blood trail to the Senate floor. I kick the doors open and there I see Vaughn, his back turned to me and him reading from the Necronomicon. Of all the evil things that have been read in this room, this is the evilest of them all.

LET’S FINISH THIS MOTHERF**KER

He doesn’t respond but only speaks in Latin.

Meum verum revela meipsum. Verissimum mundi malum revela.

He falls silent and then turns around. Vaughn holds his stub up and from it, a new hand grows back before my eyes. Vaughn gives an evil smile and grabs his mask and pulls it off.

But it isn’t Vaughn.

It’s…

It’s me…

Meum verum revela meipsum. Verissimum mundi malum revela. Reveal my true self. Reveal the truest evil of the world.

I am the truest evil.

I snap back to reality, sitting up in my hospital bed. I’m breathing heavily, trying to catch my breath when a buxom Latina nurse comes to my bedside.

You’re PCP should have told us about your history, we wouldn’t have put you on such strong medicine.

I look at the name tag she is wearing that reads “Lopez”, and then look at the TV to see Joe Biden.

I shake my head and grab the IV and yank it from my arm. I’ve had enough of these drug-induced deliriums. It’s time to get back to the real world, it’s time to get to London.

It’s time for war.