Post by ROUND II | Ross Hanson on Aug 18, 2021 9:15:23 GMT -5
Scene takes place on July 10, 2021
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"The fuck you mean indefinitely?"
I had just got pulled out of bed like a magnet to metal by my phone blasting in my ear.
"No. Two weeks. That's it. After that, you sign her over to me…"
Normally it takes me about an hour, a piss and my son jumping on me to get me fully awake. The conversation I'm having is doing the same thing, but with the side effect of making me want to punch the next psychologist that I see on the street.
“What even happened? I talked to her literally two days ago, and she was fine. Well, fine by her standards…”
Maybe I should get dressed. Let’s put the phone on speaker, that way I can put clothes on while dealing with this bullshit.
“Last night with two more, Ross. That’s what happened.”
“Wait...what? Like, at the same time?”
“You said you had a tight leash on her. Clearly, that was not true. Also, she fought the police when they responded to the laundromat. One of them had to go into surgery. Ross, this is the most dangerous thing about your stepmother.”
“What’s that?”
“She’s a Black Widow...almost literally. Even with schizophrenia, even with bi-polar disorder, and even with all of the things in her mind that she’s losing...the one thing she's still good at is hurting people. She’s not the typical woman that comes through our facility. She’s a trained killer, Ross. You do know she had an FBI dossier on her in the late 2000s and early 2010s? She’s caught bodies.”
That absolutely floored me. I knew that Dad was involved in some really shady stuff, but I always thought that Mom was just there for moral support. I would have never suspected that she was the one getting her hands dirty while Dad just got high and counted the money. I feel disgusted. I feel frightened. I feel...like I need to take a shit.
“We’ll give you a call once we’ve got her intake completed, and she’s in a room. You can give us the contact information at that time, and we’ll make sure that she’s able to call you or vice-versa.”
“...thank you.”
“I’m sorry, Ross. I really am. I know she was trying so hard...but we’re going to take care of her. I promise.”
I just hung up on her. What else do you want me to do? I can hear the mini-human in the other room. I need to go check on him. I am wearing crew socks with sandals, that’s where I’m at today. I’m also calling someone who can REALLY help me figure this shit out.
“Come on, pick up you furry fucker…”
Thank God. He answered.
“Wow. You’re up early. This is either important or you are in jail.”
“...more like your husband’s favorite redhead is in jail. Actually, she’s in the Franklin County Mental Health Facility, waiting transfer to either Marysville or Athens.”
I can’t see what’s happening over there, but I’m picturing Ken on speakerphone looking concerned, while Graham is probably making the Jack Nicholson GIF smile-nod.
“What happened?”
“They caught her doing two guys in the bathroom at the laundromat on Ridge Ave.”
I hear Graham howling so damn loud that my ears are ringing. The phone drops.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!”
“SHE IS A REAL WHORE! I TOLD YOU THEY EXIST, KEN!”
Graham is laughing so hard that I think he’s about to cough up both of his lungs in a moment.
“This isn’t funny, Graham.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT...THIS IS FUCKING PLATINUM!”
Graham sounds like someone just grabbed him by the nuts from how high his voice got in octave towards the end of that sentence. The laughter is still clear, but stifled. It sounds like Mutley...what the hell?
“She also went after the cops, I guess, she hurt one of them pretty bad…”
“Oh my God…”
“YES!!! THERE IS A GOD!!!”
Graham sounds like he was just given the gift of immortality with the maniacal laughter that just continues.
“I’m sorry, Ross… What can I do, since my husband thinks this is the best thing to ever happen in the history of the Earth?”
“Help me sell the story to the dirt sheets. I need the money.”
“ToO lAtE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Yeah, Graham’s already texting his Dad… Oh, God…”
“Seriously, though, I’m going to need a new babysitter. I don’t know anybody at Revo, and the guy who tried to kidnap my kid still works there.”
“Say no more, bring him here.”
“THAT LITTLE FUCKER’S STAYING IN THE DUNGEON!”
“You’re still not over him dropkicking you in the balls, are you?”
“HE TRIES TO STEAL MY WEED!”
“Well, put it in your pocket then!”
“WHILE I’M SMOKING IT!”
“Yell at Dad then, I would have snapped the blunt in half if I’d been there. I ain’t him.”
“No, Ross, he seriously goes to find Graham just to hit him while he’s smoking. It’s a game to him.”
“That’s because he’s a heel and I taught him to not like heels.”
“Your child is not a K-9 unit, this isn’t Chicago.”
“It’s Columbus. Only difference is the lake and Ohio State.”
“Either way, bring him over when you’re ready.”
“KICK THE BABY!”
“Dammit, Graham! You’re horrible!”
“I’ll get his stuff packed, I’ll be down there as fast as the morons going down I-70 get out of the way. Either of you need anything from up here while I’m in town? I can go break into her apartment and get her ATM card, there’s like seven million on there…”
“IT ISN’T BREAKING AND ENTERING WHEN YOU’RE HER LEGAL GUARDIAN! GET ME A MILLION OUT IN SMALL DENOMINATION, NON-SEQUENTIAL SERIAL NUMBERS OR IT’S FUCKED!”
“Listen, if you’re going to do that, bring the kid here first and then go do hood shit so at least we can get custody if you and the poli’ get friendly?”
“FREE SLAVE LABOR!”
“You are having way too much fun with this heel shit, man.”
“No, he really has it out for Lil’ Man. Just keep me updated, don’t bother calling the other Godparent. I’m sure by the end of the night he’s going to have him hanging from his ankles by a belt and trying to use him as a pinata.”
"If that happens, make sure my boy's form with the kicks to the chest is clean."
“FUCK YOU, CUFFY!”
“Wow...this is the happiest I’ve seen Graham in weeks, even though he’s been more crotchety than ever.”
"See, he really does love the little guy!"
“HE’S ONE-FOURTH BURGTRAMP, I’LL SELL HIM TO THE LOWEST BIDDER FOR A DIME BAG AND BALL OF DICK LINT!”
I had to stop and laugh, no matter how much I didn’t want to.
“Thanks, both of you. Give us about an hour, we’ll be by.”
“30 MINUTES OR THE DOOR IS LOCKED!”
“Just text me, ignore his ass.”
End call. Deep breath. Got work to do. Can’t think about it.
”Mini-Human! Let’s go for a ride!”
