Post by rumormill on Feb 27, 2020 11:54:30 GMT -5
No witty banter this month. All business.
Aries: March 21 - April 19[/][/b]
Aries, prepare to go to hell. You couldn't even last a day before breaking your Lent vow of making no horoscopes. You fucking heathen.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Taurus, I got nothing for you buddy. That's because you are the ultimate master of making lemons into lemonade. No matter what I predict for you, no matter how bad, you'll somehow turn it into a win.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
How do you feel now about that year's supply of Biff's sandwiches now that it's official that it's human meat? Aaaand you're still eating them. You disgust me Gemini…
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
But not as much as you Cancer. Shitting in EVERY toilet backstage and not flushing a single one. The sad thing is, my crystal ball says that karma will give you no repercussions for this either.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
All that karma is coming at you. Leo. Why, you ask? Because you didn't tip your waitress on Saturday. Yes, she brought you a Sprite, then a Dr. Pepper, then a coffee when you just wanted a Pepsi. Yes she was a bitch about it the whole time. And I don't know how she got "French Onion Soup" when you asked for the T-bone Steak medium rare. And she spilled the soup on you. She didn't deserve a tip. But the universe is fickle and thinks karma should punish you anyway. Sorry amigo.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Illegals aren't trying to take your job, Virgo. Though if you're truly worried about that, maybe you should better yourself and try for a job that an undocumented immigrant can't steal from you. Ever think of that?
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Seriously, Libra, you could have had it all if you had just made a few Outsiders appearances and had a few matches. My foresight into the mystical realm show me this would have catapulted you into holding all the Outsiders AND the GCWA titles all at once. You would have melted them all down to make Super Title. But alas, that future is no longer possible.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Dude!! Now is the time to accept the challenge from Bifford! Trust me Scorpio, he is still sore from his match against Pryde. Plus him eating nothing but his Sandwiches of Chickens isn't doing him any favors. Now is the time to turn that 0-3 to 1-3!!!
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
You should really listen to the business pitch Zybala is going to present to you. It's gonna rake in the cash like nothing GCWA has ever seen. Trust me, my crystal ball never lies.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Zebras? Are you fucking serious, Capricorn? My crystal ball says that this will be the dumbest evolution theory that will ever be uttered in the history of the world. So, congratulation on that I suppose??
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
For fuck sake Aquarius, will you just give Rob a straight answer? The poor fool actually thinks you'll exchange sex favors for bananas. I realize you have stock in bananas, but this no way to fluff up your portfolio.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20Pisces, honestly the stars have nothing for you. That's how inspiring you're not. The celestial bodies don't even care enough to predict a horoscope for you.
Aries: March 21 - April 19[/][/b]
Aries, prepare to go to hell. You couldn't even last a day before breaking your Lent vow of making no horoscopes. You fucking heathen.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Taurus, I got nothing for you buddy. That's because you are the ultimate master of making lemons into lemonade. No matter what I predict for you, no matter how bad, you'll somehow turn it into a win.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
How do you feel now about that year's supply of Biff's sandwiches now that it's official that it's human meat? Aaaand you're still eating them. You disgust me Gemini…
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
But not as much as you Cancer. Shitting in EVERY toilet backstage and not flushing a single one. The sad thing is, my crystal ball says that karma will give you no repercussions for this either.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
All that karma is coming at you. Leo. Why, you ask? Because you didn't tip your waitress on Saturday. Yes, she brought you a Sprite, then a Dr. Pepper, then a coffee when you just wanted a Pepsi. Yes she was a bitch about it the whole time. And I don't know how she got "French Onion Soup" when you asked for the T-bone Steak medium rare. And she spilled the soup on you. She didn't deserve a tip. But the universe is fickle and thinks karma should punish you anyway. Sorry amigo.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Illegals aren't trying to take your job, Virgo. Though if you're truly worried about that, maybe you should better yourself and try for a job that an undocumented immigrant can't steal from you. Ever think of that?
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Seriously, Libra, you could have had it all if you had just made a few Outsiders appearances and had a few matches. My foresight into the mystical realm show me this would have catapulted you into holding all the Outsiders AND the GCWA titles all at once. You would have melted them all down to make Super Title. But alas, that future is no longer possible.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Dude!! Now is the time to accept the challenge from Bifford! Trust me Scorpio, he is still sore from his match against Pryde. Plus him eating nothing but his Sandwiches of Chickens isn't doing him any favors. Now is the time to turn that 0-3 to 1-3!!!
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
You should really listen to the business pitch Zybala is going to present to you. It's gonna rake in the cash like nothing GCWA has ever seen. Trust me, my crystal ball never lies.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Zebras? Are you fucking serious, Capricorn? My crystal ball says that this will be the dumbest evolution theory that will ever be uttered in the history of the world. So, congratulation on that I suppose??
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
For fuck sake Aquarius, will you just give Rob a straight answer? The poor fool actually thinks you'll exchange sex favors for bananas. I realize you have stock in bananas, but this no way to fluff up your portfolio.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20Pisces, honestly the stars have nothing for you. That's how inspiring you're not. The celestial bodies don't even care enough to predict a horoscope for you.