Alice's Homemade Mustard Recipe.
May 15, 2018 17:43:43 GMT -5
Marcus Welsh, King Incredible, and 2 more like this
Post by Alice Knight on May 15, 2018 17:43:43 GMT -5
Alice Knight can be seen behind a counter. A bird cage is set up in the back dangling above a boiling pot of hot water it appears. Sitting on the counter is a bunch of cooking utensils and a small ant farm glass box. Alice waves.
Alice: Okay... first of all. I want to thank Eastern European for budgeting this limited series here on the OCW newswire. After last night's Massacre, people were a little disgusted that I used a 5 year old bottle of mustard on the hotdogs for my fans and friends. And mainly by 'people' I mean one grudgingly person named Hood. No one else complained. But I still need to explain myself. It was not 5 year old mustard. Not that it REALLY goes bad, it's mustard for Christ sakes. Who cares? Who has ever died from a out dated jar of mustard? Even the tape worms inside the belly of humans are like (she does a Mr. T impression) "Hey, gimme some of that mustard, sucka!"
Alice laughs to herself.
Alice: But I am here to assure everyone that the mustard was made a week ago. Just was put into a SORT of WASHED out five year old squirt bottle of mustard. Infact it was my home made recipe that I often make around the summer time. Just in time for wieners and buns and beef and more buns. And today on FOOD for THOUGHT i'm gonna reveal my recipe to you all. So even idiots like Hood can make it at home for his mother sometime.
First of all you need a 2 gallon jug of orange juice, with extra to too much pulp in it. Just the jug is needed, but you might as well enjoy the beverage before it goes to use. So after about 20 minutes of drinking that pulpy juice down, don't finish it all, we will need two cups of that pulpy extra thick orange juice. SO after likely using the bathroom a few times. Don't forget to Wash Your Hands, kids. But if you forget, no worries. Nobody is perfect.
Alice laughs and shrugs. She begins making the mustard.
Alice: While I make the mustard, i usually like to listen to some Sheryl Crowe or some German Industrial Techno/Trance music. But really, be creative. So, here we go... take two cups of that pulp O.J. with two cups of heavy cream. Add a teaspoon of salt. Two table spoons of baking powder. Lot's of vinegar, up to you to use as much as you want. Now shake vigorously. You think you shook it enough? Not likely. Keep shaking, gang. Now what you do is, take the jug and leave it in a quiet and cool place. I believe back in the olden days they would put it in caves but the 1980s were weird times. If you're like me and on the road a lot, it's hard to find a place. SO what I like to do is to go to a Walgreens. Hide it in the ladies bathroom, near the last toilet will do. Boom. Wait 2 to 3 weeks. And BOOM again, you just made homemade mustard. The black mould like stuff on top is supposed to be there, don't worry folks. The mustard community like to call that 'goop' or 'crud'.
Alice holds up her clearly contaminated stained jug of 'mustard' on to the counter.
Alice: Now just stir it up and enjoy it with crackers, burgers, ol' hot dogs, hell or simply by its self. Some people will say 'that's not mustard.' But you know how it goes, haters gonna hate. But nothing shuts up a hater like walking in a room and dipping your chicken nuggets with a big scoop of it in to your mouth. Most of the time people dry heave or just leave completely. Which means more for ME and now... more for you!!
Alice dips her finger in the 'goop mustard' and takes a lick. A little rough swallowing it though but she smiles at the camera.
Alice: That's a good 'tard. The complete recipe is at my website. WWW.TRIPOD.COM/MEMBERS/SLASH/FREE_ACCOUNT/ALICEKNIGHT321/OWLisNIGHT
Thanks for watching!!
Alice presses play on her boom box. As the lights in the kitchen lights start flashing like strobe light as Alice starts doing the cabbage patch to the German Techno Music.
