Post by The Green Bastard on Jul 6, 2014 23:27:09 GMT -5
(At the latest OCW SummerBang house show in Bangor Maine - local Legend Matt "Mac Truck" Tuttle and Skinny P - just as Tuttle is setting up Skinny P for his finisher the arena lights go down and there is some confusion in the crowd - the PA system still suspiciously working catches the conversation between the ref and the two opponents in the ring is overheard by the crowd)
Ref: That asshole Treat Cassidy probably cheaped out on paying the lighting union guys and hired those wetbacks again -
Tuttle: Well that's where he found this little Orange picker I'm certain of it, or was this the Wetback I met today at the methodone clinic
Skinny P: Odelay Bendeco you Punta's can go fu..
(Suddenly a solitary Green Light shines in the middle of the ring it grows briter and the sounds of a riff from one of the greatest bands to have ever walked the face of the Earth begins to play - lyrics written by the greatest Feckin' drummer to have ever picked up a drum stick the crowd murmurs as the guitar playing slows and a Falsetto voice is heard through the arena)
Mysterious Voice: AND THE MAN WHO HOLDS HIGH PLACES..MUST BE THE ONE TO START...TO MOLD A NEW REALITY...CLOSER TO THE HEART....
(Suddenly what looks like a person begins to lower from the rafters as Geddy Lee begins to sing even more)
Geddy: The Blacksmith and the Artist, reflect it in their Art, they forge their creativity...closer to the heart!
(The Green Bastard comes into view and tries to pose while being lowered into the ring - the music begins to pick up as the Bastard lands on his feet in the ring - wearing a Green Tarp for a cape and Green Long Underwear stretched over his body and a green Balaclava he starts to try and strut around the ring but forgetting that he's still connected to a wire trips and nearly falls out of the ring audibly heard through the whole arena one word echos)
Bastard: COCKSUCKER!
(He composes himself and finally unhooks his harness as Closer to the Heart by RUSH stops playing he stands in the ring and the fans begins to cheer - he pulls the microphone up to his face and looks around as the house lights come back up - Tuttle and Skinny P standing in the ring looking puzzled)
Green Bastard: Hello Bangor Maine...I'm The Green Bastard From Parts Unknown! Now the reason I'm here tonight in Bangor Feckin' Maine is simple I was on the way to a train convention with my buddy Ray - but Ray has a penchant for the whores and the booze - "Friends of the road" he called them but Ray got caught up by a feckin' undercover Cop and he's getting some time to learn to think with his feckin' brain and not his package anymore in Maine's finest jail - ladies and Gentlemen I'm here to clean up this feckin' place and to get rid of Twiggy feckin' aliens like this little Beaner and this big feckin' Oaf over here and to provide you cocksuckers out there in TV land some real entertainment!
(The Fans cheer and the Bastard stands up on the second rope and flexes pointing to his bicep...which doesn't move)
Green Bastard: This here ladies is the real deal 100 percent no steroids - let me introduce to you at this time a guy who's job is to make sure that I the Green Bastard don't get hurt, maimed, kidnapped or feckin' killed - though he did a pretty piss poor feckin' job of it when I was dangling from the arena roof by a piece of dental floss tied round my cock - put your hands together for The Big Mustard Tiger Philadelphia Collins!
(A man about 5'11 walks out from the back balding with a moustache on his face - his gut hangs over his track pants and he is wearing a t-shirt that is two sizes two small - a picture of a man dressed as a unicorn is on the front of his shirt as he walks to the ring the back of his shirt Says G.P.S - Green Bastard Protective Service - The Bastard holds the ropes for him as he climbs up into the ring)
Bastard: Say Hello to all the nice people in the arena here Phil you Feckin' Big Mustard Tiger bastard!
(Phil takes a hold of the microphone)
Phil: Hello Maine - my main job is to protect and to serve the Green Bastard I'm his Robin to his Bruce Wayne, his Kato to his Green Lantern his Sonny to his Cher...anyway folks after the Wrasslin' tonight come on out back of the arena I'm selling fresh Mackerel really cheap out of the back of a Van I rented from Hertz and before I go Give me a BAAAAAAMM!
(The Crowd is silent - Skinny P and Tuttle are standing in the ring looking confused about what is happening The Bastard takes the microphone back from Phil)
Bastard: And that is exactly the reason why that's gonna be the first and LAST feckin' Time I give you the microphone Phil! - I gotta tell you all I'm happy to be here and I just can't WAIT to get into this Ring and start smashing some fucking Skulls together!
(Bastard looks at Tuttle and Skinny P)
Bastard: But tonights not the night - I'm beyond having to take down a wetback and...well (looking at Tuttle up and down) a fuckin' Samsquanch...PEACE!
(The Bastard rolls out of the ring as Closer to the Heart Begins to play he runs up the aisle Behind Phil slapping high fives all the way down the aisle!)
Ref: That asshole Treat Cassidy probably cheaped out on paying the lighting union guys and hired those wetbacks again -
Tuttle: Well that's where he found this little Orange picker I'm certain of it, or was this the Wetback I met today at the methodone clinic
Skinny P: Odelay Bendeco you Punta's can go fu..
(Suddenly a solitary Green Light shines in the middle of the ring it grows briter and the sounds of a riff from one of the greatest bands to have ever walked the face of the Earth begins to play - lyrics written by the greatest Feckin' drummer to have ever picked up a drum stick the crowd murmurs as the guitar playing slows and a Falsetto voice is heard through the arena)
Mysterious Voice: AND THE MAN WHO HOLDS HIGH PLACES..MUST BE THE ONE TO START...TO MOLD A NEW REALITY...CLOSER TO THE HEART....
(Suddenly what looks like a person begins to lower from the rafters as Geddy Lee begins to sing even more)
Geddy: The Blacksmith and the Artist, reflect it in their Art, they forge their creativity...closer to the heart!
(The Green Bastard comes into view and tries to pose while being lowered into the ring - the music begins to pick up as the Bastard lands on his feet in the ring - wearing a Green Tarp for a cape and Green Long Underwear stretched over his body and a green Balaclava he starts to try and strut around the ring but forgetting that he's still connected to a wire trips and nearly falls out of the ring audibly heard through the whole arena one word echos)
Bastard: COCKSUCKER!
(He composes himself and finally unhooks his harness as Closer to the Heart by RUSH stops playing he stands in the ring and the fans begins to cheer - he pulls the microphone up to his face and looks around as the house lights come back up - Tuttle and Skinny P standing in the ring looking puzzled)
Green Bastard: Hello Bangor Maine...I'm The Green Bastard From Parts Unknown! Now the reason I'm here tonight in Bangor Feckin' Maine is simple I was on the way to a train convention with my buddy Ray - but Ray has a penchant for the whores and the booze - "Friends of the road" he called them but Ray got caught up by a feckin' undercover Cop and he's getting some time to learn to think with his feckin' brain and not his package anymore in Maine's finest jail - ladies and Gentlemen I'm here to clean up this feckin' place and to get rid of Twiggy feckin' aliens like this little Beaner and this big feckin' Oaf over here and to provide you cocksuckers out there in TV land some real entertainment!
(The Fans cheer and the Bastard stands up on the second rope and flexes pointing to his bicep...which doesn't move)
Green Bastard: This here ladies is the real deal 100 percent no steroids - let me introduce to you at this time a guy who's job is to make sure that I the Green Bastard don't get hurt, maimed, kidnapped or feckin' killed - though he did a pretty piss poor feckin' job of it when I was dangling from the arena roof by a piece of dental floss tied round my cock - put your hands together for The Big Mustard Tiger Philadelphia Collins!
(A man about 5'11 walks out from the back balding with a moustache on his face - his gut hangs over his track pants and he is wearing a t-shirt that is two sizes two small - a picture of a man dressed as a unicorn is on the front of his shirt as he walks to the ring the back of his shirt Says G.P.S - Green Bastard Protective Service - The Bastard holds the ropes for him as he climbs up into the ring)
Bastard: Say Hello to all the nice people in the arena here Phil you Feckin' Big Mustard Tiger bastard!
(Phil takes a hold of the microphone)
Phil: Hello Maine - my main job is to protect and to serve the Green Bastard I'm his Robin to his Bruce Wayne, his Kato to his Green Lantern his Sonny to his Cher...anyway folks after the Wrasslin' tonight come on out back of the arena I'm selling fresh Mackerel really cheap out of the back of a Van I rented from Hertz and before I go Give me a BAAAAAAMM!
(The Crowd is silent - Skinny P and Tuttle are standing in the ring looking confused about what is happening The Bastard takes the microphone back from Phil)
Bastard: And that is exactly the reason why that's gonna be the first and LAST feckin' Time I give you the microphone Phil! - I gotta tell you all I'm happy to be here and I just can't WAIT to get into this Ring and start smashing some fucking Skulls together!
(Bastard looks at Tuttle and Skinny P)
Bastard: But tonights not the night - I'm beyond having to take down a wetback and...well (looking at Tuttle up and down) a fuckin' Samsquanch...PEACE!
(The Bastard rolls out of the ring as Closer to the Heart Begins to play he runs up the aisle Behind Phil slapping high fives all the way down the aisle!)