Post by Robert on Jul 1, 2014 4:20:22 GMT -5
The clock is slowly ticking until the take over begins. Until the ones that have decided to cross me are punished for what they have decided to do. To think, it would be a simple decision, to believe that it would be one of ease; yet the desire to go against everything and anything humanly possible only stands in their way... Stubbornness, pure and simple. Nobody can really deny it, all that has gone down, all that has been overcome. Many would say that your lord and master, Robert, has had the short end of the stick. Been a bit of a laughing stock, no less. Been lied to, been manipulated; and now it comes down to this. To believe that this is where I would be not that long ago, would be a farce, I would have laughed in your face...
But things have changed.
I have changed.
You've seen a transformation unlike any other in the world. The difference between Bob and Robert... All of the liberation of the world, in the name of my home land. And why? Because the world does not accept anyone — that is all I wish. Acceptance for someone, at least... And why not give acceptance for something as wonderful as happiness? That is my wish, that is all I want from this. Everyone tries to stop me though. This shows who the real villain is. To stop a world of happiness, of joy; what has the world even come to? To stop such things is... Saddening.
But I will not be stopped, I will not allow people to stand in my way. This world, for far too long has gone on the way it is. Where bullying has run rampant, where killing is common place. My methods may be extreme, but it is due to the state the world is in. How am I to do otherwise? How am I to stand against the people that do not understand. That do not wish to understand... There is only one way for these people to understand. They need the extreme hand of the charter to show them what happens to people that disobey.
And I am simply the enforcer; the long arm of the law.
My word is final.
BY THE POWER OF ROBERT!
LORD HIGH LORD OF THE MNOOSE!
The Great Ham Delirium
It all sits before me, as I sit before a table. Laid out, are many delectable morsels; unlike anyone has ever seen before. They look amazing, and can only make my mouth water with anticipation. Actually, I believe that anybody in their right mind would be just like me, right now. Albeit, without a wiggy, Mnoose hunting tie, and extremely tight leather pantaloons (I have no idea why they wouldn't though, as it is the latest fashion statement).All of them are glistening, ripe with juices; truly a sight to behold. Almost as awe-inspiring as myself and the Mnooses, may I dare compare...
I tuck a napkin in behind my Mnoose hunting tie, as I do not want to soil it. After all, it is a rather expensive piece, and very incredibly rare. One just cannot go into your local tailor, and order a bow tie that seemingly attaches to absolutely nothing, after all. The sight and smells in front of me are almost overwhelming, to be perfectly honest, and I cannot help but take a small bite. Of course, by small bite of the morsels in front of me, I mean half of one of the rather large sized ones, in one bite. That's small, right? I mean who wouldn't want to eat this many hams? All cooked differently, mind you. There's boiled ham, baked ham, honey glazed ham, fried ham, deep fried ham, lard encrusted ham, cream of ham soup, ham noodle soup, and of course the list goes on. It smells delicious; I have no idea who wouldn't want something like this... But something's missing... One of my hams is missing.. It almost makes me cry.
There's no time to be worrying about such a thing, with all this ham in front of me. I need to maintain my training regimen, I must gain weight in time for that match that I have. I grab my fork and knife... Wait, when have I ever used one of these? I throw them over my shoulder, as they are troublesome things.
With a clank, they hit the floor behind me, as I pick up one of the wonderful, glorious hams in front of me, placing one of the juicy glorious delights within my carnivorous maw. I simply love that term, it makes me giddy with delight. To think, I could be some sort of savage. That's simply thinking like a silly man... Especially since I have a wiggy upon my head, as well as my Mnoose-Hunting tie. There is no way that I could be a savage. Although, I have tipped the scales a little bit, with my binge eating combined with power lifting as of late. Now racking up at almost 500 lbs. It has been a bit of a ride, but it is worth it — and yes, I am in the best shape of my life.
I chew, and swallow quickly, making only the sounds I can.
Bob: "SNARF! GOBBLE! YUM!"
It's like music to the ears of the masses, as I have my afternoon snack. Wonderfully delicious, truly. The only thing that would make this better is to make things bacon wrapped, with a big gob of sour cream, and drizzled in butter. Some people don't understand these things, they really are the finer things in life.
And with that, I pick up the bowl of soup, slurping it back like a child, followed by the giddy laughter that so many people love. My voice reigns out, a little high pitched. But yet, I cannot help but think something is missing. It could really be anything... Anything... What could it be? I am at a loss, as I stick another ham into my mouth, slurping it back, and making those wonderful chewing sounds that would even make Banjo Picking Ron cringe... Mmmm... You can't understand how wonderful this ham is; it's like heaven. Like the silence I surround myself with, and the musical noise that fills the air. Even the drippings that surround my tie are marvelous; it's a euphoria of the senses, almost to the point of orgasm... However, I cannot orgasm, as Robert having an orgasm is against the very fabric of the Mnooseville charter.
It doesn't take very long to finish off all the delectable morsels in front of me...
But yet something is missing.
I stand up from my throne that I had created for myself, and try to think about what could possibly be missing. What could it be... What could it be? There are so many things that I must do in a busy day. But this is more important than ramblings, or pesky schedules to keep... I just know it....
.....
WAIT!
STOP!
I KNOW WHAT IT IS!
I AM MISSING A HAM!
I start searching around, it has to be around here somewhere. There isn't anywhere it could possibly be... Unless someone took it while I was cooking it. That would be dastardly, wouldn't it? I can see it now. Some guy in a cape, and a top hat, maybe even a curly-cue moustache, taking my beautiful pork creations for their own little plan of world domination. DAMN YOU EVIL CURLY-CUE MOUSTACHE GUY! THAT WAS MY HAM! IT WAS GOING TO BE DELICIOUS!
Wait...
He can't hear me.
Bob: "YOU BIG MEAN! BOB WANTED TO EAT THAT HAM! Mmm.. Ham... IT WAS GOING TO BE SO YUMMY AND FULL OF NICE! BUT YOU HAD TO COME ALONG AND TAKE IT FROM BOB!"
I stomp my feet to add to the dramatic moment I am making for myself, before I start searching again. I lift the table up, causing everything to go crashing to the ground. At least I finished all my ham before doing so. That would have been a bit wasteful! But not as wasteful as this ham that is eluding me!
Bob: "BOB WILL FIND YOU!"
And with those words, I jump to the floor, and sniff. I'm not searching for the gaseous excretions that emit from my rear, though. I'm searching for something much more important! I'm sure some of you are giggling, as I am down on my hands and knees, smelling the floor, like some common animal, but this is an emergency! This is something that cannot require tact, or even the slimmest sense of reluctance. This is not time to waver, this is time for action! There is a ham in danger, and I must find it!
I GOT IT'S SCENT!
Bob: "BOB THINKS...!"
Sniff sniff goes my nose, as I scurry across the floor.
Bob: "BOB THINKS!!!!"
I stand up, and look behind the lone radiator in this rather dated room. Yes, it has one of those old water radiators for heat. Well, you do know where we are, right? I refuse to comment any further than that.
Bob: "OHMYGOD! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! HAM! Mmm.. Ham..."
I swipe the ham from behind the radiator, and wipe it off on my Extremely Tight Leather Pantaloons.
Bob: "BOB LIKES HAM! Mmm... Ham..."
And of course, as if on cue I take a bite of this ham that was behind the radiator. Now, this could have been the worst mistake of my life, as I didn't know how long that ham had been there. It could have been days, it could have been moments. I didn't really care at that moment in time. It was ham! It was a rather joyous occasion when there's ham, and you believe that there isn't anymore.
Although, the moments that follow will forever be engraved in my mind.
Even though I'm fully in control of my body right now, as I take my ham back to my seat, or my throne as I like to call it. I sit on the seat, and happily munch away on my ham. It is rather delicious, and does not taste like it has gone bad. Nope, seems alright.
For a few moments, anyway.
Until something starts to materialize out of the radiator, located across the room. At first, it's pretty formless, and black. Nothing big, as this is an old building, and one would come to expect those things; at least until I am in charge. But soon, it starts to take shape. It grows arms, and legs, and even a head. And for god sakes, even a banjo. The man has a banjo. If I didn't know better, it would be Banjo-Pickin' Ron. I almost want to say 'Ahoy-Hoy Ol' Chap!'
Bob: "RONNY RON! HOW MANY MNOOSES ARE IN YOUR PARSLEY PATCH!"
However, Banjo-Picking Ron does not answer with his voice, instead he simply strums his banjo thrice... Once being Bob, and being Bob for this little piece has given me the power to translate even a hallucination of Banjo-Picking Ron.
Bob: "THREE?! No wonder. If I were you, I'd start frolicking. It calms nerves!"
Again, two strums. Being the wonderful Bob I am, I will translate this. Not so obvious this time.
Bob: "YOU HAVE COME TO WARN BOB OF THREE GHOSTS?!"
BP Ron: "GOD NO! WE'RE NOT DOING THAT! I'M NOT INVOLVED IN A FUCKING CHRISTMAS CAROL IN JUNE!"
So maybe my banjo translating is a little rusty. Anyway, as I sit here, these things that happen before me seem a little bit out of this world. Perhaps it's some sort of prophecy unfolding, or it could possibly be the ham, for some reason. Ron disappears from sight... Rather, he turns back into that formless thing that we had seen not that long ago.
.....
And that seems to be all I remember for now. However, the image of me standing victorious does sit prominently in my mind. Maybe if I try hard, I can give you more of the story of The Great Ham Delirium...
But things have changed.
I have changed.
You've seen a transformation unlike any other in the world. The difference between Bob and Robert... All of the liberation of the world, in the name of my home land. And why? Because the world does not accept anyone — that is all I wish. Acceptance for someone, at least... And why not give acceptance for something as wonderful as happiness? That is my wish, that is all I want from this. Everyone tries to stop me though. This shows who the real villain is. To stop a world of happiness, of joy; what has the world even come to? To stop such things is... Saddening.
But I will not be stopped, I will not allow people to stand in my way. This world, for far too long has gone on the way it is. Where bullying has run rampant, where killing is common place. My methods may be extreme, but it is due to the state the world is in. How am I to do otherwise? How am I to stand against the people that do not understand. That do not wish to understand... There is only one way for these people to understand. They need the extreme hand of the charter to show them what happens to people that disobey.
And I am simply the enforcer; the long arm of the law.
My word is final.
BY THE POWER OF ROBERT!
LORD HIGH LORD OF THE MNOOSE!
The Great Ham Delirium
It all sits before me, as I sit before a table. Laid out, are many delectable morsels; unlike anyone has ever seen before. They look amazing, and can only make my mouth water with anticipation. Actually, I believe that anybody in their right mind would be just like me, right now. Albeit, without a wiggy, Mnoose hunting tie, and extremely tight leather pantaloons (I have no idea why they wouldn't though, as it is the latest fashion statement).All of them are glistening, ripe with juices; truly a sight to behold. Almost as awe-inspiring as myself and the Mnooses, may I dare compare...
I tuck a napkin in behind my Mnoose hunting tie, as I do not want to soil it. After all, it is a rather expensive piece, and very incredibly rare. One just cannot go into your local tailor, and order a bow tie that seemingly attaches to absolutely nothing, after all. The sight and smells in front of me are almost overwhelming, to be perfectly honest, and I cannot help but take a small bite. Of course, by small bite of the morsels in front of me, I mean half of one of the rather large sized ones, in one bite. That's small, right? I mean who wouldn't want to eat this many hams? All cooked differently, mind you. There's boiled ham, baked ham, honey glazed ham, fried ham, deep fried ham, lard encrusted ham, cream of ham soup, ham noodle soup, and of course the list goes on. It smells delicious; I have no idea who wouldn't want something like this... But something's missing... One of my hams is missing.. It almost makes me cry.
There's no time to be worrying about such a thing, with all this ham in front of me. I need to maintain my training regimen, I must gain weight in time for that match that I have. I grab my fork and knife... Wait, when have I ever used one of these? I throw them over my shoulder, as they are troublesome things.
With a clank, they hit the floor behind me, as I pick up one of the wonderful, glorious hams in front of me, placing one of the juicy glorious delights within my carnivorous maw. I simply love that term, it makes me giddy with delight. To think, I could be some sort of savage. That's simply thinking like a silly man... Especially since I have a wiggy upon my head, as well as my Mnoose-Hunting tie. There is no way that I could be a savage. Although, I have tipped the scales a little bit, with my binge eating combined with power lifting as of late. Now racking up at almost 500 lbs. It has been a bit of a ride, but it is worth it — and yes, I am in the best shape of my life.
I chew, and swallow quickly, making only the sounds I can.
Bob: "SNARF! GOBBLE! YUM!"
It's like music to the ears of the masses, as I have my afternoon snack. Wonderfully delicious, truly. The only thing that would make this better is to make things bacon wrapped, with a big gob of sour cream, and drizzled in butter. Some people don't understand these things, they really are the finer things in life.
And with that, I pick up the bowl of soup, slurping it back like a child, followed by the giddy laughter that so many people love. My voice reigns out, a little high pitched. But yet, I cannot help but think something is missing. It could really be anything... Anything... What could it be? I am at a loss, as I stick another ham into my mouth, slurping it back, and making those wonderful chewing sounds that would even make Banjo Picking Ron cringe... Mmmm... You can't understand how wonderful this ham is; it's like heaven. Like the silence I surround myself with, and the musical noise that fills the air. Even the drippings that surround my tie are marvelous; it's a euphoria of the senses, almost to the point of orgasm... However, I cannot orgasm, as Robert having an orgasm is against the very fabric of the Mnooseville charter.
It doesn't take very long to finish off all the delectable morsels in front of me...
But yet something is missing.
I stand up from my throne that I had created for myself, and try to think about what could possibly be missing. What could it be... What could it be? There are so many things that I must do in a busy day. But this is more important than ramblings, or pesky schedules to keep... I just know it....
.....
WAIT!
STOP!
I KNOW WHAT IT IS!
I AM MISSING A HAM!
I start searching around, it has to be around here somewhere. There isn't anywhere it could possibly be... Unless someone took it while I was cooking it. That would be dastardly, wouldn't it? I can see it now. Some guy in a cape, and a top hat, maybe even a curly-cue moustache, taking my beautiful pork creations for their own little plan of world domination. DAMN YOU EVIL CURLY-CUE MOUSTACHE GUY! THAT WAS MY HAM! IT WAS GOING TO BE DELICIOUS!
Wait...
He can't hear me.
Bob: "YOU BIG MEAN! BOB WANTED TO EAT THAT HAM! Mmm.. Ham... IT WAS GOING TO BE SO YUMMY AND FULL OF NICE! BUT YOU HAD TO COME ALONG AND TAKE IT FROM BOB!"
I stomp my feet to add to the dramatic moment I am making for myself, before I start searching again. I lift the table up, causing everything to go crashing to the ground. At least I finished all my ham before doing so. That would have been a bit wasteful! But not as wasteful as this ham that is eluding me!
Bob: "BOB WILL FIND YOU!"
And with those words, I jump to the floor, and sniff. I'm not searching for the gaseous excretions that emit from my rear, though. I'm searching for something much more important! I'm sure some of you are giggling, as I am down on my hands and knees, smelling the floor, like some common animal, but this is an emergency! This is something that cannot require tact, or even the slimmest sense of reluctance. This is not time to waver, this is time for action! There is a ham in danger, and I must find it!
I GOT IT'S SCENT!
Bob: "BOB THINKS...!"
Sniff sniff goes my nose, as I scurry across the floor.
Bob: "BOB THINKS!!!!"
I stand up, and look behind the lone radiator in this rather dated room. Yes, it has one of those old water radiators for heat. Well, you do know where we are, right? I refuse to comment any further than that.
Bob: "OHMYGOD! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! HAM! Mmm.. Ham..."
I swipe the ham from behind the radiator, and wipe it off on my Extremely Tight Leather Pantaloons.
Bob: "BOB LIKES HAM! Mmm... Ham..."
And of course, as if on cue I take a bite of this ham that was behind the radiator. Now, this could have been the worst mistake of my life, as I didn't know how long that ham had been there. It could have been days, it could have been moments. I didn't really care at that moment in time. It was ham! It was a rather joyous occasion when there's ham, and you believe that there isn't anymore.
Although, the moments that follow will forever be engraved in my mind.
Even though I'm fully in control of my body right now, as I take my ham back to my seat, or my throne as I like to call it. I sit on the seat, and happily munch away on my ham. It is rather delicious, and does not taste like it has gone bad. Nope, seems alright.
For a few moments, anyway.
Until something starts to materialize out of the radiator, located across the room. At first, it's pretty formless, and black. Nothing big, as this is an old building, and one would come to expect those things; at least until I am in charge. But soon, it starts to take shape. It grows arms, and legs, and even a head. And for god sakes, even a banjo. The man has a banjo. If I didn't know better, it would be Banjo-Pickin' Ron. I almost want to say 'Ahoy-Hoy Ol' Chap!'
Bob: "RONNY RON! HOW MANY MNOOSES ARE IN YOUR PARSLEY PATCH!"
However, Banjo-Picking Ron does not answer with his voice, instead he simply strums his banjo thrice... Once being Bob, and being Bob for this little piece has given me the power to translate even a hallucination of Banjo-Picking Ron.
Bob: "THREE?! No wonder. If I were you, I'd start frolicking. It calms nerves!"
Again, two strums. Being the wonderful Bob I am, I will translate this. Not so obvious this time.
Bob: "YOU HAVE COME TO WARN BOB OF THREE GHOSTS?!"
BP Ron: "GOD NO! WE'RE NOT DOING THAT! I'M NOT INVOLVED IN A FUCKING CHRISTMAS CAROL IN JUNE!"
So maybe my banjo translating is a little rusty. Anyway, as I sit here, these things that happen before me seem a little bit out of this world. Perhaps it's some sort of prophecy unfolding, or it could possibly be the ham, for some reason. Ron disappears from sight... Rather, he turns back into that formless thing that we had seen not that long ago.
.....
And that seems to be all I remember for now. However, the image of me standing victorious does sit prominently in my mind. Maybe if I try hard, I can give you more of the story of The Great Ham Delirium...
