Post by "The Headliner" Harold Jones on Jan 24, 2014 4:48:33 GMT -5
*** Inside Hilarities 4th Street Theatre is a room packed full of people anticipating the next form of entertainment. The room shaped like 35% of a pie chart. The stage is in the only corner of the room and tables fill the floor with booth seating filling out the rounded part of the room. On the stage stands a single microphone and a stool. That’s when Harold “The Headliner” Jones makes his way onto the stage. ***
“Good evening everyone. My name is Harold Jones and I’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight. I’d like to start out by telling you a little bit about myself. I’m a comedian, and a professional wrestler. I didn’t have the greatest childhood, but thank God I was a boy. Because I learned that if I would’ve been a girl my parents were going to name me Amber. If that would’ve been the case I would’ve been emo. The first sign would’ve been when I was born and I was purple and had my mom’s umbilical chord wrapped around my neck.”
*** The joke isn’t met with much laughter, by the crowd in attendance so Harold simply moves on. ***
“I’ve got a match coming up on Monday just down the road here in Brunswick.”
*** Harold pauses as the crowd erupts into hometown cheers at the mention of their local city. ***
“Yeah, I’m taking on a heifer, I mean woman named Amber Ryan. Yeah now the last joke makes sense doesn’t it? Anyhow, Amber Ryan is an inch shorter than me and 30lbs lighter than me. Apparently she didn’t get the memo she was supposed to be a woman and not a blimp. She spent some time at one of the beaches in Texas where she is from. I heard that she was laying out on the beach and people thought she was so fat that they tried to roll her back out into the ocean.”
*** The joke receives mild chuckles from the audience in attendance. ***
“In reality I guess she really isn’t all that bad looking. The majority of her weight seems to be from all the junk she’s packing in her trunk. I mean her ass is so big that if you told her to haul ass, she’d have to make two trips.”
*** Harold breaks out his cell phone and hit’s the rim shot app which leads to some laughter from the audience. Not necessarily sure if it was for the app or for the joke, but there was laughter. ***
“I recently tried to reach out to Amber, I was going to offer to take her to dinner. But when I asked her what type of food she liked she simply replied ’seconds’.”
*** The audience laughs unprompted, as Harold smiles, feeling like he is finally hitting his stride. ***
“As you may have heard me mention earlier, Amber is from Texas, Dallas to be exact. Now while I love Texas, I can’t say that I feel the same way about Dallas. I’ve found that people from Dallas are inherently more stupid than people from other cities. Perfect example, I was at the Dallas Library once and the lights went out leaving fifteen people stuck on the escalator for three hours while the problem was being worked on.”
*** The crowd laughs even harder at the newest joke. ***
“Yeah, the Library is the place where the smart ones go. But I will give them a little bit of credit, they do a pretty good job of educating their citizens on safe sex. Incidents plummeted after they went around and placed signs on all the animals that kick.”
*** Harold pauses and waits for the laughing to die down. Meanwhile he takes a sip of water from a glass that was sitting on the stool next to him. ***
“Does anyone know what a Dallas Girl says after sex?”
*** Harold pauses for a very brief moment, as he doesn’t actually want anyone to answer the question. ***
“Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes!”
*** The crowd ‘Oh’s’ at the previous joke. ***
“What do women like Amber Ryan and condom’s have in common? If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet. Amber Ryan is also a lot like dog shit, the older they both get the easier they are to pick up.”
*** The crowd erupts into laughter… well at least the men in attendance do. ***
“Do you know how Amber Ryan’s significant other will be able to tell she died? The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up! Thank you Cleveland!”
*** Harold holds up his arm to wave as he walks away from the stage to a round of applause from the crowd. Harold notices someone filming the show and approaches the camera. ***
“Make sure this finds its way to Amber. Amber, the time for talking is coming to an end. On Monday it’s just going to be me and you and one of us will leave a winner. Clearly it won’t be you, because you’re a woman and thus suck by nature. Don’t get me wrong I love women, but you personally I don’t care for. You came into this thing talking smack about my wrestling skill of which you know nothing about. So aren’t you just going to feel stupid when this ‘hack’ of a wrestler hits closes you out like I close out my shows… with The Closing Line. See you Monday sweet cheeks.”
*** Harold walks away from the person with the camera as the audience continues to applaud in the background. ***
“Good evening everyone. My name is Harold Jones and I’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight. I’d like to start out by telling you a little bit about myself. I’m a comedian, and a professional wrestler. I didn’t have the greatest childhood, but thank God I was a boy. Because I learned that if I would’ve been a girl my parents were going to name me Amber. If that would’ve been the case I would’ve been emo. The first sign would’ve been when I was born and I was purple and had my mom’s umbilical chord wrapped around my neck.”
*** The joke isn’t met with much laughter, by the crowd in attendance so Harold simply moves on. ***
“I’ve got a match coming up on Monday just down the road here in Brunswick.”
*** Harold pauses as the crowd erupts into hometown cheers at the mention of their local city. ***
“Yeah, I’m taking on a heifer, I mean woman named Amber Ryan. Yeah now the last joke makes sense doesn’t it? Anyhow, Amber Ryan is an inch shorter than me and 30lbs lighter than me. Apparently she didn’t get the memo she was supposed to be a woman and not a blimp. She spent some time at one of the beaches in Texas where she is from. I heard that she was laying out on the beach and people thought she was so fat that they tried to roll her back out into the ocean.”
*** The joke receives mild chuckles from the audience in attendance. ***
“In reality I guess she really isn’t all that bad looking. The majority of her weight seems to be from all the junk she’s packing in her trunk. I mean her ass is so big that if you told her to haul ass, she’d have to make two trips.”
*** Harold breaks out his cell phone and hit’s the rim shot app which leads to some laughter from the audience. Not necessarily sure if it was for the app or for the joke, but there was laughter. ***
“I recently tried to reach out to Amber, I was going to offer to take her to dinner. But when I asked her what type of food she liked she simply replied ’seconds’.”
*** The audience laughs unprompted, as Harold smiles, feeling like he is finally hitting his stride. ***
“As you may have heard me mention earlier, Amber is from Texas, Dallas to be exact. Now while I love Texas, I can’t say that I feel the same way about Dallas. I’ve found that people from Dallas are inherently more stupid than people from other cities. Perfect example, I was at the Dallas Library once and the lights went out leaving fifteen people stuck on the escalator for three hours while the problem was being worked on.”
*** The crowd laughs even harder at the newest joke. ***
“Yeah, the Library is the place where the smart ones go. But I will give them a little bit of credit, they do a pretty good job of educating their citizens on safe sex. Incidents plummeted after they went around and placed signs on all the animals that kick.”
*** Harold pauses and waits for the laughing to die down. Meanwhile he takes a sip of water from a glass that was sitting on the stool next to him. ***
“Does anyone know what a Dallas Girl says after sex?”
*** Harold pauses for a very brief moment, as he doesn’t actually want anyone to answer the question. ***
“Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes!”
*** The crowd ‘Oh’s’ at the previous joke. ***
“What do women like Amber Ryan and condom’s have in common? If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet. Amber Ryan is also a lot like dog shit, the older they both get the easier they are to pick up.”
*** The crowd erupts into laughter… well at least the men in attendance do. ***
“Do you know how Amber Ryan’s significant other will be able to tell she died? The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up! Thank you Cleveland!”
*** Harold holds up his arm to wave as he walks away from the stage to a round of applause from the crowd. Harold notices someone filming the show and approaches the camera. ***
“Make sure this finds its way to Amber. Amber, the time for talking is coming to an end. On Monday it’s just going to be me and you and one of us will leave a winner. Clearly it won’t be you, because you’re a woman and thus suck by nature. Don’t get me wrong I love women, but you personally I don’t care for. You came into this thing talking smack about my wrestling skill of which you know nothing about. So aren’t you just going to feel stupid when this ‘hack’ of a wrestler hits closes you out like I close out my shows… with The Closing Line. See you Monday sweet cheeks.”
*** Harold walks away from the person with the camera as the audience continues to applaud in the background. ***
