Post by "The Headliner" Harold Jones on Jan 22, 2014 14:33:11 GMT -5
*** The scene opens up at Dunbar Funeral Home in Columbia South Carolina. The body of Mae Young lies lifeless inside a casket. Hundreds of people are outside of the funeral home and only the building capacity are allowed in at a time. Enter Harold ‘The Headliner’ Jones at the front of the pack. Harold is pimped out in an 70’s style powder blue suit and in tips his imaginary hat to the door man as he makes his way into the house. Harold immediately slithers through the crowd like a 10 year old boy, bobbing and weaving through the crowd. Harold then gets up by the casket, he pauses for a moment as he pays his respects to Mae Young and then he turns to address the crowd. ***
“If I can have your attention please.”
*** The crowd starts to die down as the visitors turn toward Harold unsure of what is taking place. ***
“I’d like to take a moment to honor Mae Young. Speaking of Mae Young isn’t her name quite the oxy moron? I mean what were her parents thinking? Yeah she was ‘young’ once but you knew at some point she was going to get old. Once she turned 40 she probably should have changed her name to Mae Middle Aged and then Mae Old at 60.”
*** The onlookers are stunned and confused by what is taking place. ***
“And now she Mae-be-Dead.”
*** Harold pulls out his cell phone and presses a button which makes the “rim shot” noise. ***
“Speaking of which, does anyone know why there is a gate around cemeteries?”
*** Harold pauses briefly. ***
“Because people are just dying to get in there!”
*** Rim Shot App ***
“Seriously though, Mae loved her wrestling… what was it? A match in 8 different decades? That takes some longevity. So clearly Mae Young would want… no demand… that I tell you all about my upcoming schedule. I’ll be in Brunswick Ohio on Monday taking on Amber Ryan. It promises to be a great show.”
*** Harold looks out at the crowd which is full of horrified faces. ***
“I can see that you’re all scared stiff, but clearly not as stiff as Mae.”
*** A large man starts to make his way toward Harold, most likely to throw him out. But Harold holds up his hands like he is surrendering. ***
“It’s okay it’s okay. I have Mae’s permission, just ask her, she won’t say no.”
*** The bulky bouncer guy stops out of sheer stupidity, which allows Harold to continue. ***
“Since none of you know anything about OCW, let me take a moment to fill you in on my upcoming bout. Amber Ryan is from Texas, and as you know, everything is bigger in Texas. I mean the size of her ass is likely to be huge! 5’7 and 155lbs… that woman is all ass. I mean her ass is so big she sat on her iPhone and turned it into an iPad.”
*** The bulky bouncer guy starts making his way towards Harold again. ***
“No really, once she left the house in high heals and when she came back home she had on flip flops. At least that is what her husband told me after he left her. It’s really sad, after he left she went all emo. The good news is that she doesn’t have to pay for birth control anymore, her personality takes care of that for her.”
*** The bulky bouncer guy grabs Harold by both arms and starts to drag him away from the casket. Harold starts shouting out more lines as he is being dragged away. ***
“Did you guys hear about the new emo pizza!? It cuts itself!”
*** The bulky bouncer guy kicks the doors to the funeral home open and tosses Harold out onto the steps. Harold instantly leaps to his feet and brushes himself off and yells at the bouncer as the door shuts. ***
“I wasn’t done yet, I had another joke that was sure to knock ‘em dead!”
*** Harold shrugs his shoulders and walks away from the funeral home. ***
“If I can have your attention please.”
*** The crowd starts to die down as the visitors turn toward Harold unsure of what is taking place. ***
“I’d like to take a moment to honor Mae Young. Speaking of Mae Young isn’t her name quite the oxy moron? I mean what were her parents thinking? Yeah she was ‘young’ once but you knew at some point she was going to get old. Once she turned 40 she probably should have changed her name to Mae Middle Aged and then Mae Old at 60.”
*** The onlookers are stunned and confused by what is taking place. ***
“And now she Mae-be-Dead.”
*** Harold pulls out his cell phone and presses a button which makes the “rim shot” noise. ***
“Speaking of which, does anyone know why there is a gate around cemeteries?”
*** Harold pauses briefly. ***
“Because people are just dying to get in there!”
*** Rim Shot App ***
“Seriously though, Mae loved her wrestling… what was it? A match in 8 different decades? That takes some longevity. So clearly Mae Young would want… no demand… that I tell you all about my upcoming schedule. I’ll be in Brunswick Ohio on Monday taking on Amber Ryan. It promises to be a great show.”
*** Harold looks out at the crowd which is full of horrified faces. ***
“I can see that you’re all scared stiff, but clearly not as stiff as Mae.”
*** A large man starts to make his way toward Harold, most likely to throw him out. But Harold holds up his hands like he is surrendering. ***
“It’s okay it’s okay. I have Mae’s permission, just ask her, she won’t say no.”
*** The bulky bouncer guy stops out of sheer stupidity, which allows Harold to continue. ***
“Since none of you know anything about OCW, let me take a moment to fill you in on my upcoming bout. Amber Ryan is from Texas, and as you know, everything is bigger in Texas. I mean the size of her ass is likely to be huge! 5’7 and 155lbs… that woman is all ass. I mean her ass is so big she sat on her iPhone and turned it into an iPad.”
*** The bulky bouncer guy starts making his way towards Harold again. ***
“No really, once she left the house in high heals and when she came back home she had on flip flops. At least that is what her husband told me after he left her. It’s really sad, after he left she went all emo. The good news is that she doesn’t have to pay for birth control anymore, her personality takes care of that for her.”
*** The bulky bouncer guy grabs Harold by both arms and starts to drag him away from the casket. Harold starts shouting out more lines as he is being dragged away. ***
“Did you guys hear about the new emo pizza!? It cuts itself!”
*** The bulky bouncer guy kicks the doors to the funeral home open and tosses Harold out onto the steps. Harold instantly leaps to his feet and brushes himself off and yells at the bouncer as the door shuts. ***
“I wasn’t done yet, I had another joke that was sure to knock ‘em dead!”
*** Harold shrugs his shoulders and walks away from the funeral home. ***
