Are you there Nyarlathotep? It's me, Claudia (Tag #1)

[Influence 2: Electric Boogaloo]

68 Hours Earlier.

More time travel, Marty! And we didn’t even go for the 69 joke, we’re maturing. But before we even fade in from black there’s a woman’s stern scolding voice. She sounds like Satan on a bad day.

VOICE: Whatever happened to that nice veterinarian that you were dating?

The face matches the voice as the camera finally fades in from black. Think ‘Mommy Dearest’ meets the Maleficent the evil drips even from her half-smile as she looks down at her daughter Claudia. Claudia, who normally is the bruiser of the duo, looks meek and small sitting at the table in front of her mother.

Jokingly, Claudia responds to the question.

FROST: Delia bit him.

This causes the evil queen to cross her arms and the slight smile disappears from

MOTHER: Delia. Of course, I should have known. When you got suspended from middle school, who caused it? Delia. When you did not go to college and instead live streamed from my basement, who’s idea was it? Delia. When you decided to throw away your life to become a professional wrestler, who made that decision? Delia. I’ve been telling you for years now that Cordelia Black is no good for you, but do you ever listen to your mother? No.

And look at where not listening to me has gotten you.

Living in an apartment that smells like rotting laundry scraping by paycheck to paycheck. No husband, no kids and I think your dog has worms because he keeps dragging his behind across the couch!

All Claudia can do is bow her head in shame, she might be one half of the OCW tag team champions but at this moment she’s a five year old kid who just got caught doing something bad.

MOTHER: And another thing, you will not be using this device as long as your mother is in town!

Like a whip she snaps down and grabs the phone out of Claudia’s hands. Claudia looks up in disappointment as her mother turns the screen off and places the phone into the nearest drawer.

MOTHER: Delia is just going to have to deal with whatever crisis she’s currently facing without dragging you down with her.

FROST: But she’s my ride or die, mom.

Gasp! The horror, the reaction. Claudia’s response causes her mother to place her hand over her mouth and clutch her pearls all at the exact same moment. She nearly falls over from the pure shock of it all in the process as well.

MOTHER: Claudia. Beatrice. Frost. I did not send you to four years of Mother Marie Belles Charm and Beauty School five days a week for you to speak with words from the streets such as ‘ride or die’, now did I? No, I did not. In fact, I am going to have to call Mother Belle and re-enroll you because I am sure this is not the only gutter speak you are using. I already know who to blame for it too, Delia.

Claudia’s mother goes to her own phone and begins to search through her contacts, while she does this Claudia sneaks open a protein bar. She’s still a wrestler afterall and has to maintain some sort of muscle mass, especially with her upcoming opponent. She’s just about to take a bite when her mother smacks her across the hands and snatches it away with amazing speed as she casually walks by. When she returns, she hands Claudia a piece of celery instead and pats her on the head.

MOTHER: Now, now. We don’t want you to become Claudia Frosting again, do we? While I do this, you need to go and make your room up and make sure you spray it down with something fresh.

Claudia marches off towards her room.

At about the sametime, maybe even an hour before this. Do the math. Nice, huh?

Wrigley’s eyes are glued to a stack of papers upon his office desk. His brow is scrunched up to the point where he looks like Booger McFarland, just Google it, and he taps his glasses that hang just off his nose with a back end of a pencil eraser. Wrigley’s doing legal work? That’s crazy, no he’s looking at pictures of Claudia’s mother.

In fact, he holds up a small picture in his fingers and speaks out to himself or some unseen person in the room.

WRIGLEY: Everyone’s got a weakness. You’ve just got to figure out what it is… what’s your weakness, Claudia’s mother? What is it that makes you tick and how can I use it so you don’t cost my girls their titles? How can I stop you from destroying my world?

He lowers the headshot and begins to read from a document in front of him.

WRIGLEY: Former beauty queen, model and actress. Starred in a couple of B movies in the late 80s…wow, she was in the Embrace of the Bloodthirsty Bee-Women, I actually remember that one. What’s this? Sophia Robinson married movie producer John Frost on July 2nd, 1999 and gave birth to a daughter two days later. Sophia and John filed for divorce in October of 1999.

Wrigley continues to read as his lips move, but no more sound comes pouring out. Instead there is a knock on his door, it’s none other than Linda. If you don’t remember, Linda was caught stealing food out of the office fridge and eventually was possessed by a demon during a party the Influence threw. Anyway, Wrigley looks up as Linda stands there waiting for him to acknowledge her.

LINDA: Mr. Wrigley, one of the senior partners, is on the phone and they don’t sound too happy about the Walton case.

WRIGLEY: Which one is it?

LINDA: I don’t know, there are so many senior partners they all sound like old white guys on the phone.

WRIGLEY: Yeah, that’s true it’s like that TV show Suits after they fired Gina Torres up there on the twentieth floor. Tell them that I’m working on it, and also remind them I’m the only black lawyer they’ve hired in twenty years.

Linda nods but still doesn’t leave, this puts a confused look on Wrigley’s face. He gives her the “is there anything else” motion with his hands.

LINDA: Oh, two more things. A Dave Richardson called from the state of West Virginia wanting more information about how to proceed on the land currently owned by the Second Chance Ranch, he wants to know if he should proceed with eviction or wait for the legal precedent to be faxed over. And the other message is from the FBI about a book you gave them that’s causing a lot of problems…

WRIGLEY: Problems? Tell the FBI that if I don’t fix this Sophia Robinson-Frost problem the entire world is going to end. Wait, don’t say it exactly like that.

LINDA: I think it’s just Frost. She never remarried.

Wrigley looks up from the papers in front of him and shoves his glasses up to the bridge of his nose once again, his forehead no longer looks like Booger McFarland’s. Did you Google that yet? He gives Linda a long stare.

LINDA: Yeah, she never remarried. Moved to Santa Clara, quit the business and lived off of what she took from her ex-husband in the divorce. You don’t know that? It was on one of those E! True Hollywood Stories or something like that, maybe YouTube…

Linda continues to think while Wrigley scrambles to put on his navy blue suit jacket and rushes right past her as the thinking continues.

We fade to.

60 Hours Earlier.

Claudia’s room has been perfectly cleaned, we’re talking new house levels of clean where even the vacuum marks in the carpet are perfect. This is an OCD person’s wet dream, but not really wet because that would be too messy. Sitting at the edge of the bed and those Marine Corps perfectly folded sheets is Claudia Frost. Claudia is on her knees with her hands folded in front of her and her head bowed in prayer mode.

She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly.

FROST: God, if you’re there… we need to have a talk. Look, I’m just going to say my peace and if you listen, you listen and if you don’t maybe I’ll try someone else because I could really use some answers and at this point I’m willing to listen to anyone. Okay, here goes.

First and foremost, let me just thank you up front for Taylor Swift, Twitter and the delicious Liquid Death who is helping sponsor this prayer. I know you know that my mother has decided to stay with me for a bit and I know you know that while I love my mother, she is once again driving me insane. I haven’t been able to eat real food all day and for dinner I ate carrots, lettuce and celery… if I can’t eat proper food there’s no way I am going to be able to workout and maintain my strength for my next match against Bifford or Plethora or whatever, I’m sure you’re aware of the whole situation. Yes, I want to win and I know that might be a sin or something, but I don’t want to win the tag titles just for myself. I want to win the tag team titles because I feel that between life and now my mother, me and Delia are being pulled apart like taffy. She’s my best friend, and if I don’t have her what do I have in life? It’s like you and Jesus, you know?

We need those tag titles I think to keep us together. Things have gotten weird since, well that whole book thing. Oh, and sorry about messing with dark forces that lurk in the empty parts of the universe. I didn’t know what sort of problems that would cause, but thankfully it's in the hands of the FBI and they’re going to keep it safe.

Also, and I’m not fat shaming here, because Lord knows or you know I have been called Claudia Frosting by just about everyone at this point… but Bifford’s really big and if he manages to run away long enough to be counted out he wins those tag team titles. I have to workout to be able to have a chance to pick him up and if I’m going to be forced to eat nothing but veggies because my mother thinks I need to lose five pounds there’s no chance I can do that. Don’t like kill her or anything. Just keep my mother at bay long enough to give me the strength to be able to roll Bifford back into the ring if he tries to run. That wheel was really mean about giving me the no countout misfortune, and I just need a fighting chance. I’m like David and Biff’s Goliath, I don’t know if you’ve familiar with that story. Or you know what? You could maybe miracle me a forklift driver’s license in the next couple of days. That would be great.

Long story short, my mother is going to cost me these tag team titles against Bifford if something doesn’t change. I just know it. And then she’s going to force me into that beauty school again and force Delia out of my life forever.

One last thing, God. Please look out for Delia, please keep her safe and watch over her while I am unable to text her. Maybe send her a message from me if you could.

There is a knocking at the door, and without even waiting for an answer Claudia’s mother bursts through the door as Claudia unfolds her hands and stands up to answer. Claudia’s dog Beans, who was resting comfortably in his bed, begins to growl.

MOTHER: Claudia. Beatrice. Frost. This room is still a total disaster! You can just smell that dog has been in here, and I am sure that there’s at least a layer of dust on this bookshelf. I will get the cleaning supplies, there is no way that I am going to sleep in a place that is this filthy.

And what is with all these books on cults? Do you want to kill your own mother? We’re going to have to burn them.

Claudia’s mother shakes her head in disgust and walks out of the room. Beans stops growling as Claudia flops to her knees once again and folds her hands together.

FROST: Nyarlathotep, if you’re there… we need to have a talk.

With that, we fade to black.