Post by Johnny "Money Bags" Beckman on Mar 24, 2023 1:34:46 GMT -5
(Backstage at a theater sees Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman talking to himself in a mirror.)
“You are rich. You are handsome. You are smart. You are God’s gift to the average.”
(Johnny begins some high/low pitch vocal routine when his cellphone begins to ring to the tune of “Feels Good Inc”. He throws his phone a side-eye glance before he answers.)
“What do you need?"
(Johnny listens.)
“How am I supposed to fit that much beer in my Mercedes?”
(Johnny listens.)
“I am not going to trust Slow Pete to safely put a keg on my fine leather seats.”
(Johnny listens.)
“Fine. I’ll bring you the beer. Now I have a show to do.”
(Johnny listens.)
“I am doing the show. They created this war when they came at the name Beckman.”
(Johnny listens.)
“You were an outsider the moment you stepped into an OCW ring. Now I am officially an Outsider. And like any true savior of the people, my first step is to wage war on the masses, the sheep, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr.-”
(Johnny listens.)
“Yes, considering what I said during Wakanda Forever means I’m probably the last person who should be quoting MLK Jr. But nonetheless, this is the shot across the bow the OCW world deserves. Besides, you can’t stop me, you’re stuck in the middle of the woods in Northern Wisconsin. Your signal is likely to go out any second.”
(Johnny listens but hears nothing on the other end of the phone call.)
“I hope he heard how right I just was before his phone dropped the call.”
(The studio band begins to play the show’s intro music. Johnny checks his tie in the mirror before flashing a smile at his own reflection. He then exits backstage through the curtains, where he is met by a spotlight and an applauding studio audience. Johnny takes a moment to soak in the warm welcome from the fans, and then another moment, and another moment, until finally the crowd settles down.)
“You’re Welcome...you’re welcome...you’re welcome. Let’s start off by talking about You Can Do It. Probably should now be called: Please, please, can you do it?”
(Audience laughs.)
“At that event the OCW Championship title is on the line. I haven't seen a title that unwanted since the OCW GM job became vacant.”
(Audience laughs.)
“I see PIC is up for the title again.”
(Audience pops.)
“He’s been singing, “Reign, reign, why did it go away? Illumatinus was a pointless day.”
(Audience laughs.)
“He’s facing Vhodka Black. Best known in OCW for the girl who even the bio page doesn’t care about.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Guess whoever oversees that had a Vodka Black-out.”
(Audience laughs.)
“In other vacated titles news, we have the Paradigm Title.”
(Audience laughs.)
“If Crash Rodriguez flies south for the winter, the guy is on Mars by now.”
(Audience laughs.)
“His opponent is Moonlight Rose. Like a full moon she appears once a month, and like a rose she rarely blooms in March.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Dane Preston is the special referee for that match...”
(Audience waits for the joke.)
“That’s the joke, Dane Preston is the special ref for the match.”
(Audience laughs.)
“OCW fans care more about the beer prices than that booking idea.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Then again, the OCW fans care more about beer prices than most of this Pay Per View’s booking.”
(Audience laughs.)
“You’re average OCW fan buying tickets for You Can Do It a few months ago: I can’t wait to see all my favorites. You’re average OCW fan who bought those tickets today: Fuck You, Fuck You, You’re Cool, Fuck You, I’m Out!”
(Audience laughs.)
“But at least Bifford and The Beast are on the card”
(The Audience pops.)
“One of them lives in the other’s shadow, and the other is fat guy from Columbus, Ohio.”
(Audience shares mix of laughs and awkwardness.)
“I see they’re facing Influence 2, aka the load who quickly explode, aka the first to blurt, the immature who premature.”
(Audience laughs.)
“I see Delia Black is pulling double duty. I guess if the OCW roster was a pizza it would have a thin crust.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Delia is facing Brooke Blakely. I’d say Brooke is an airhead, but obviously her brain doesn’t receive oxygen.”
(Audience laughs.)
“The whole disappointing night starts with the battle of the dragons. In the industry we call this the Sandwich match; for this is the audience’s chances to go make a sandwich.”
(Audience laughs.)
“But considering this card’s matches: fans could work a shift at Subway while watching the whole show.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Before I go, I must review the current OCW Top Ten.”
(Audience claps.)
“PIC.”
(Audience pops.)
“He deserves to be top dog. He is also on an embarrassing losing streak. Those two facts combined is all you need to know about the rest of this Top Ten list.”
(Audience pops.)
“As for #2, the only thing bigger than Big Bifford’s waistline is his ego.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Bob Griener coming in third place is fitting considering the only way to see him these days is via his bronze HOF bust.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Speaking of a bust, Dylan Thomas is next. Living proof that just showing up over and over is enough to be considered good in OCW.”
(Audience laughs.)
“At #5 we have Crash. He skipped out of town with a kid so fast there should have been an Amber Alert.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Alice is sixth, and she has wandered down the rabbit one too many times. Sadly for her, not even the bitch in her mirror gives a hoot about her anymore.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Yes, Easton Alexander is back! Is something no one has ever said about the man who occupies the #7 spot.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Thunder Knuckles is #8. His best showing in months has been picking money over a guaranteed ass-kicking."
(Audience laughs.)
“I’d be surprised to see The Nickleman at #9 if I didn’t already know about #3, #5, and #8 on this list.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Synn is #10...that must be a mistake...someone told me she deserves to be much higher.”
(Audience whispers among themselves.)
“Simply put, if the OCW Top Ten List was an activity, it would be paint drying.”
(Audience laughs.)
“If it was taught in school, it would be a history lesson.”
(Audience laughs.)
“If it was a senior citizen, it would have Alzheimer's.”
(The audience laughs awkwardly as Johnny’s charming smile peels away from his expression, leaving an evil greedy grin upon his face.)
“I hate OCW.”
(The audience is instantly taken aback by that comment.)
“It’s a diseased world, overflowing with infection, and worst of all, it has no desire to find a cure.”
(A few audience members begin to head for the exits in disgust.)
“I am the brand-new General of the Outsider’s Army that is declaring war on the OCW! Zybala is both just hearing about this news and loving it at the same time. You’re Welcome Zybala; for my devotion, my leadership, my greatness.”
(More and more people begin to walk off in what they thought was an OCW sanctioned event.)
“I understand why you people might fear my words. You’ve been stranded at sea for a long time now. But here is the really scary part; your few life preservers left are drifting farther and farther away. But like a hand reaching down from heaven above, I will save you from drowning. With my grace, my wisdom, my glory, I am your Savoir...You’re Welcome.”
(As the shows fades towards an ending you can see Johnny stop waving to the audience to mouth the words, “Adi Gold, Call Me” before exiting the stage.)
“You are rich. You are handsome. You are smart. You are God’s gift to the average.”
(Johnny begins some high/low pitch vocal routine when his cellphone begins to ring to the tune of “Feels Good Inc”. He throws his phone a side-eye glance before he answers.)
“What do you need?"
(Johnny listens.)
“How am I supposed to fit that much beer in my Mercedes?”
(Johnny listens.)
“I am not going to trust Slow Pete to safely put a keg on my fine leather seats.”
(Johnny listens.)
“Fine. I’ll bring you the beer. Now I have a show to do.”
(Johnny listens.)
“I am doing the show. They created this war when they came at the name Beckman.”
(Johnny listens.)
“You were an outsider the moment you stepped into an OCW ring. Now I am officially an Outsider. And like any true savior of the people, my first step is to wage war on the masses, the sheep, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr.-”
(Johnny listens.)
“Yes, considering what I said during Wakanda Forever means I’m probably the last person who should be quoting MLK Jr. But nonetheless, this is the shot across the bow the OCW world deserves. Besides, you can’t stop me, you’re stuck in the middle of the woods in Northern Wisconsin. Your signal is likely to go out any second.”
(Johnny listens but hears nothing on the other end of the phone call.)
“I hope he heard how right I just was before his phone dropped the call.”
(The studio band begins to play the show’s intro music. Johnny checks his tie in the mirror before flashing a smile at his own reflection. He then exits backstage through the curtains, where he is met by a spotlight and an applauding studio audience. Johnny takes a moment to soak in the warm welcome from the fans, and then another moment, and another moment, until finally the crowd settles down.)
“You’re Welcome...you’re welcome...you’re welcome. Let’s start off by talking about You Can Do It. Probably should now be called: Please, please, can you do it?”
(Audience laughs.)
“At that event the OCW Championship title is on the line. I haven't seen a title that unwanted since the OCW GM job became vacant.”
(Audience laughs.)
“I see PIC is up for the title again.”
(Audience pops.)
“He’s been singing, “Reign, reign, why did it go away? Illumatinus was a pointless day.”
(Audience laughs.)
“He’s facing Vhodka Black. Best known in OCW for the girl who even the bio page doesn’t care about.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Guess whoever oversees that had a Vodka Black-out.”
(Audience laughs.)
“In other vacated titles news, we have the Paradigm Title.”
(Audience laughs.)
“If Crash Rodriguez flies south for the winter, the guy is on Mars by now.”
(Audience laughs.)
“His opponent is Moonlight Rose. Like a full moon she appears once a month, and like a rose she rarely blooms in March.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Dane Preston is the special referee for that match...”
(Audience waits for the joke.)
“That’s the joke, Dane Preston is the special ref for the match.”
(Audience laughs.)
“OCW fans care more about the beer prices than that booking idea.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Then again, the OCW fans care more about beer prices than most of this Pay Per View’s booking.”
(Audience laughs.)
“You’re average OCW fan buying tickets for You Can Do It a few months ago: I can’t wait to see all my favorites. You’re average OCW fan who bought those tickets today: Fuck You, Fuck You, You’re Cool, Fuck You, I’m Out!”
(Audience laughs.)
“But at least Bifford and The Beast are on the card”
(The Audience pops.)
“One of them lives in the other’s shadow, and the other is fat guy from Columbus, Ohio.”
(Audience shares mix of laughs and awkwardness.)
“I see they’re facing Influence 2, aka the load who quickly explode, aka the first to blurt, the immature who premature.”
(Audience laughs.)
“I see Delia Black is pulling double duty. I guess if the OCW roster was a pizza it would have a thin crust.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Delia is facing Brooke Blakely. I’d say Brooke is an airhead, but obviously her brain doesn’t receive oxygen.”
(Audience laughs.)
“The whole disappointing night starts with the battle of the dragons. In the industry we call this the Sandwich match; for this is the audience’s chances to go make a sandwich.”
(Audience laughs.)
“But considering this card’s matches: fans could work a shift at Subway while watching the whole show.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Before I go, I must review the current OCW Top Ten.”
(Audience claps.)
“PIC.”
(Audience pops.)
“He deserves to be top dog. He is also on an embarrassing losing streak. Those two facts combined is all you need to know about the rest of this Top Ten list.”
(Audience pops.)
“As for #2, the only thing bigger than Big Bifford’s waistline is his ego.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Bob Griener coming in third place is fitting considering the only way to see him these days is via his bronze HOF bust.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Speaking of a bust, Dylan Thomas is next. Living proof that just showing up over and over is enough to be considered good in OCW.”
(Audience laughs.)
“At #5 we have Crash. He skipped out of town with a kid so fast there should have been an Amber Alert.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Alice is sixth, and she has wandered down the rabbit one too many times. Sadly for her, not even the bitch in her mirror gives a hoot about her anymore.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Yes, Easton Alexander is back! Is something no one has ever said about the man who occupies the #7 spot.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Thunder Knuckles is #8. His best showing in months has been picking money over a guaranteed ass-kicking."
(Audience laughs.)
“I’d be surprised to see The Nickleman at #9 if I didn’t already know about #3, #5, and #8 on this list.”
(Audience laughs.)
“Synn is #10...that must be a mistake...someone told me she deserves to be much higher.”
(Audience whispers among themselves.)
“Simply put, if the OCW Top Ten List was an activity, it would be paint drying.”
(Audience laughs.)
“If it was taught in school, it would be a history lesson.”
(Audience laughs.)
“If it was a senior citizen, it would have Alzheimer's.”
(The audience laughs awkwardly as Johnny’s charming smile peels away from his expression, leaving an evil greedy grin upon his face.)
“I hate OCW.”
(The audience is instantly taken aback by that comment.)
“It’s a diseased world, overflowing with infection, and worst of all, it has no desire to find a cure.”
(A few audience members begin to head for the exits in disgust.)
“I am the brand-new General of the Outsider’s Army that is declaring war on the OCW! Zybala is both just hearing about this news and loving it at the same time. You’re Welcome Zybala; for my devotion, my leadership, my greatness.”
(More and more people begin to walk off in what they thought was an OCW sanctioned event.)
“I understand why you people might fear my words. You’ve been stranded at sea for a long time now. But here is the really scary part; your few life preservers left are drifting farther and farther away. But like a hand reaching down from heaven above, I will save you from drowning. With my grace, my wisdom, my glory, I am your Savoir...You’re Welcome.”
(As the shows fades towards an ending you can see Johnny stop waving to the audience to mouth the words, “Adi Gold, Call Me” before exiting the stage.)