Post by Influence 2: Electric Boogaloo on Mar 23, 2023 21:53:46 GMT -5
BROUGHT TO YOU BY RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS: “Let’s Play Together.”
A Catholic Church outside of Grayson, KY.
There is a wire mesh in the way of the camera, beyond that sits Claudia Frost. With her head bowed down she gives the sign of the cross and folds her hands in front of her in prayer. She clears her throat before speaking.
FROST: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been over a month since my last confession. These are my sins.
She takes a long breath, there’s going to be a lot of them.
FROST: This is the longest I have ever gone between confessions, so they’ve piled up a bit. I was on a cruise ship to Antarctica for a bit there, then I was stranded in Antarctica, then when I got back from my neck was injured pretty badly and after that we all decided to take a road trip across country from California to West Vir--
PRIEST: It’s okay, you do not have to explain your absence.
But Claudia is going to keep on explaining regardless.
FROST: On top of all of that, my lawyer has been driving the entire time doing nothing more than stuffing his mouth with Taco Bell and drinking ungodly amounts of caffeine. Oh wait, did I just take the Lord’s name in vain?
PRIEST: No, you’re fine. Why don’t you get to the sins you’re confessing today?
There’s a pause as Claudia takes another deep breath.
FROST: Alright, I allowed my pride to put my friendship in danger. See, she won a single’s match and got a championship title match, so I thought I would do the same and so I entered into his crazy match in a pyramid where I almost got to the top of and got an even bigger title shot… but I hurt my neck in the process. However, I should say that I wasn’t one hundred percent in control of myself when I did that, my biggest sin might have been messing around with a book that might have been written by a demon.
PRIEST: I’m sorry, what?
FROST: Yeah, my partner and I messed around with this book which summoned a demon or devil. I don’t know the difference.
There’s a pause from the otherside of the mesh window between the confessional booths.
PRIEST: Did you say you and your partner messed around with a possessed book?
FROST: Yeah, but Delia did it first.
PRIEST: Your partner’s name is Delia?
FROST: Yep.
There’s another pause.
PRIEST: And how long have the two of you been together?
FROST: We’ve been ride or die since we were born on the same day in the same hospital.
PRIEST: You two have been together since a young age?
FROST: It’s like we were groomed to be partners.
Oh boy, that’s not going to sit well.
PRIEST: I’m going to ask you to go ahead and leave this church.
With that, we fade to black.
Back on the RV, Wrigley munches down the last of another seven layer burrito before chugging down more of his extra large caffeinated drink. He covers up a burp as he pats his stomach in some serious pain, his face is covered with sweat and he’s not looking too good. However, he begins to celebrate with a couple of ‘woots’ as the RV rolls past a sign that welcomes us to West Virginia.
From the back, Delia and Claudia come running up to the front of the RV as they begin to celebrate the fact that this trip is almost over.
FROST: So, question for you there, Big Legal Daddy. Why did we travel across the country in this RV to West Virginia?
BLACK: Yeah, isn’t the pay-per-view in Florida?
Wrigley chokes back and swallows another massive burp before he gets to explaining.
WRIGLEY: As the two of you know, your opponent at the pay-per-view, The Big Bifford, has started a second chance ranch out here in the middle of nowhere for the purposes of bolstering his forces. Those forces could be used against you two and cost you those tag team championship titles. He might not look like it, but Biff can be extremely slippery.
BLACK: What now?
WRIGLEY: You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?
The two look at each other and shake their heads no.
WRIGLEY: Okay, simple explanation. Biff has a cult of followers down here in West Virginia, and he’s planning something big. Real big. I have contacts in the Department of Justice that tell me that what Biff’s doing is going to make the legal problems of a certain former President look like child’s play. Don’t you remember the whole thing at the Great Illuminatus? That was a whole campaign to make everyone think that he was going one way, and boom he jumped ahead of the entire line with the power of the wind. He’s had this long to plan and only against two opponents.
So, the plan is to head on down the cult and check things out. We are going to do a little intelligence gathering on the whole thing and make sure when we face off against Biff and his partner Alice that there are no surprises waiting to just leap out at us. Make sense?
The two look at each other one more time and shrug.
WRIGLEY: And, I have a surprise of my own in store for all of them.
For a second time, Wrigley chokes back a burp and rubs his stomach in some pain. As the RV cruises off, he gives a chuckle.
No more time jumps and no more traveling.
Delia, Claudia and Wrigley have all reached their final destination. Wrigley has a pair of binoculars and stares off into the distance, he hands the binoculars over towards Claudia who takes them and looks through them.
FROST: It’s like fifty dudes wearing robes.
WRIGLEY: Exactly, all of them are dressed like Biff’s alter ego Plethora in his robes. One of those robed people down there is Bifford himself, all we have to do is figure out which one is Bifford and then follow him around a bit. When we’ve observed him long enough, I am going to unleash my master plan.
Delia tugs at the binoculars from around the neck of her tag team partner. Claudia fights her off with a couple of hand slaps.
FROST: Good Lord, they all look the exact same. It’s like Biff had a ton of children.
WRIGLEY: Biff’s pull out game is notoriously weak.
The duo continue to fight over the binoculars.
FROST: Yeah, we’re going to need to figure out something quick because they’re almost done playing robed volleyball down there and who knows what could be next. We’re going to lose which one Biff is fast.
Delia’s been biting her tongue long enough.
BLACK: Alright, I’m going to say it. Shouldn’t Biff be easy to spot down there? He sort of sticks out like a sore thumb.
Claudia and Wrigley share a look of disapproval.
FROST: Wow, Deets. Wow. I thought we’ve moved past this sort of humor.
WRIGLEY: Yeah, big no no there.
BLACK: What? I’m just saying.
Delia tugs at the binoculars one more time and with the distraction she’s caused with her low hanging fruit of a joke she is able to pull it away from Claudia. With a big old grin she looks through them and into the compound.
BLACK: Are they grilling out? Oh yeah, there’s Biff and that in no way is a fat joke, he’s not wearing a robe. I think he just left an outhouse or something.
Wrigley pulls the binoculars away quickly, getting a look.
BLACK: Rude.
FROST: Hall of Famers, Deets. How nervous are you about this match? I went up against Alice Knight in the first level of the Great Illuminatus and she’s no slouch. I gave her just about everything I had in the tank and I still barely squeaked by. Plus, who knows if these cult members are going to show up and do a bunch of hoots or whatever… they’re creepy beyond creepy. I’m at an eight, Deets. I’m at an eight.
BLACK: I’m more at a nine, I think. I’m more nervous about having to wrestle two matches and one of them I’m going it alone without you. That’s like the first time I’ve ever done that, but even with that going up against Alice Knight and Bifford? That would be the biggest win in our history, two Hall of Famers. Two people who have held so much gold in this company that they would fill out entire wings if there were a Hall of Fame building. Yeah, so I’m nervous. But you know what I’ve learned on this road trip?
FROST: What’s that?
BLACK: That you’ve got my back and I’ve got your back no matter what happens.
The two give each other a big old fist bump. Wrigley drops the binoculars to the ground.
WRIGLEY: Here we are, the moment I’ve been waiting for.
The two of them are distracted by Wrigley as he stands up. Delia and Claudia pay him no attention as he gets up, that is until Wrigley turns around towards them tossing the keys to the RV in their direction.
WRIGLEY: Start the RV and wait for my signal. We’re going to have to bail fast. Claudia, you drive.
Wrigley then charges off leaving the two of them confused, but they scramble and run off to the RV.
Power walking in slow motion.
That’s what Wrigley is doing. Just a power walk in complete slow motion.
With each step there is a painful look on his face which he fights back with a grin, because this has been his master plan the entire time. Each seven layer burrito that he scarfed down over the past four days for three meals a day has led to this moment in time. Combine that with all the diet soda that he’s been drinking which has expanded his stomach to a plump size has allowed him to hold back the urge to unload in the RV.
That’s right. Wrigley has turned himself into a power walking Taco Bell time bomb and he’s ready to go off.
He pushes past a couple of the robed cult members right into the outhouse and slams the door.
And that bomb is about to go off unto all of these unsuspecting cult members.
Three.
Two.
One…he screams at the top of his lungs
WRIGLEY: Goddamn you Taco Bell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People will remember certain events for the rest of their lives. For the people of West Virginia, they will remember where they were when someone clogged all the pipes in a ten mile radius. Those at ground zero had no chance.
We fade from the catastrophe.
Claudia Frost and Delia Black sit in the front of the RV, once again the duo are speeding down the road. The two of them give off a huge celebration as they reach the sign that welcomes them to the State of Florida.
Cranking up the radio in response to this, the duo begin to sing as loud as humanly possible and as off key as possible to Poison’s classic jam “Nothing but a Good Time.” From the back, a much healthier Wrigley charges up with a celery stalk in his mouth and dives between the two of them in order to turn down the music and thus saving the world from a second catastrophe.
WRIGLEY: I told you what would happen. Now make sure you don’t drive us off a cliff!
With that he storms off.
This must be a more secret meeting that is taking place currently.
Wrigley and a couple of FBI agents are meeting in a dark alley. Wrigley is a little nervous at what is going on, but he’s trying to play it cool.
WRIGLEY: Yeah, that was me who tried to put the book on a shelf in Bum-fuck Missouri. That’s why I called you guys, you’re the government. And because you’re the government, I’m going to hand you guys this book… I mean, if you can’t trust the government, who can you trust?
He forces a chuckle.
WRIGLEY: Also, do you have information on where this cult is hanging out?
WIth that the screen turns to static.
A Catholic Church outside of Grayson, KY.
There is a wire mesh in the way of the camera, beyond that sits Claudia Frost. With her head bowed down she gives the sign of the cross and folds her hands in front of her in prayer. She clears her throat before speaking.
FROST: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been over a month since my last confession. These are my sins.
She takes a long breath, there’s going to be a lot of them.
FROST: This is the longest I have ever gone between confessions, so they’ve piled up a bit. I was on a cruise ship to Antarctica for a bit there, then I was stranded in Antarctica, then when I got back from my neck was injured pretty badly and after that we all decided to take a road trip across country from California to West Vir--
PRIEST: It’s okay, you do not have to explain your absence.
But Claudia is going to keep on explaining regardless.
FROST: On top of all of that, my lawyer has been driving the entire time doing nothing more than stuffing his mouth with Taco Bell and drinking ungodly amounts of caffeine. Oh wait, did I just take the Lord’s name in vain?
PRIEST: No, you’re fine. Why don’t you get to the sins you’re confessing today?
There’s a pause as Claudia takes another deep breath.
FROST: Alright, I allowed my pride to put my friendship in danger. See, she won a single’s match and got a championship title match, so I thought I would do the same and so I entered into his crazy match in a pyramid where I almost got to the top of and got an even bigger title shot… but I hurt my neck in the process. However, I should say that I wasn’t one hundred percent in control of myself when I did that, my biggest sin might have been messing around with a book that might have been written by a demon.
PRIEST: I’m sorry, what?
FROST: Yeah, my partner and I messed around with this book which summoned a demon or devil. I don’t know the difference.
There’s a pause from the otherside of the mesh window between the confessional booths.
PRIEST: Did you say you and your partner messed around with a possessed book?
FROST: Yeah, but Delia did it first.
PRIEST: Your partner’s name is Delia?
FROST: Yep.
There’s another pause.
PRIEST: And how long have the two of you been together?
FROST: We’ve been ride or die since we were born on the same day in the same hospital.
PRIEST: You two have been together since a young age?
FROST: It’s like we were groomed to be partners.
Oh boy, that’s not going to sit well.
PRIEST: I’m going to ask you to go ahead and leave this church.
With that, we fade to black.
A few hours ago.
Back on the RV, Wrigley munches down the last of another seven layer burrito before chugging down more of his extra large caffeinated drink. He covers up a burp as he pats his stomach in some serious pain, his face is covered with sweat and he’s not looking too good. However, he begins to celebrate with a couple of ‘woots’ as the RV rolls past a sign that welcomes us to West Virginia.
From the back, Delia and Claudia come running up to the front of the RV as they begin to celebrate the fact that this trip is almost over.
FROST: So, question for you there, Big Legal Daddy. Why did we travel across the country in this RV to West Virginia?
BLACK: Yeah, isn’t the pay-per-view in Florida?
Wrigley chokes back and swallows another massive burp before he gets to explaining.
WRIGLEY: As the two of you know, your opponent at the pay-per-view, The Big Bifford, has started a second chance ranch out here in the middle of nowhere for the purposes of bolstering his forces. Those forces could be used against you two and cost you those tag team championship titles. He might not look like it, but Biff can be extremely slippery.
BLACK: What now?
WRIGLEY: You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?
The two look at each other and shake their heads no.
WRIGLEY: Okay, simple explanation. Biff has a cult of followers down here in West Virginia, and he’s planning something big. Real big. I have contacts in the Department of Justice that tell me that what Biff’s doing is going to make the legal problems of a certain former President look like child’s play. Don’t you remember the whole thing at the Great Illuminatus? That was a whole campaign to make everyone think that he was going one way, and boom he jumped ahead of the entire line with the power of the wind. He’s had this long to plan and only against two opponents.
So, the plan is to head on down the cult and check things out. We are going to do a little intelligence gathering on the whole thing and make sure when we face off against Biff and his partner Alice that there are no surprises waiting to just leap out at us. Make sense?
The two look at each other one more time and shrug.
WRIGLEY: And, I have a surprise of my own in store for all of them.
For a second time, Wrigley chokes back a burp and rubs his stomach in some pain. As the RV cruises off, he gives a chuckle.
Now.
Like, now.
Delia, Claudia and Wrigley have all reached their final destination. Wrigley has a pair of binoculars and stares off into the distance, he hands the binoculars over towards Claudia who takes them and looks through them.
FROST: It’s like fifty dudes wearing robes.
WRIGLEY: Exactly, all of them are dressed like Biff’s alter ego Plethora in his robes. One of those robed people down there is Bifford himself, all we have to do is figure out which one is Bifford and then follow him around a bit. When we’ve observed him long enough, I am going to unleash my master plan.
Delia tugs at the binoculars from around the neck of her tag team partner. Claudia fights her off with a couple of hand slaps.
FROST: Good Lord, they all look the exact same. It’s like Biff had a ton of children.
WRIGLEY: Biff’s pull out game is notoriously weak.
The duo continue to fight over the binoculars.
FROST: Yeah, we’re going to need to figure out something quick because they’re almost done playing robed volleyball down there and who knows what could be next. We’re going to lose which one Biff is fast.
Delia’s been biting her tongue long enough.
BLACK: Alright, I’m going to say it. Shouldn’t Biff be easy to spot down there? He sort of sticks out like a sore thumb.
Claudia and Wrigley share a look of disapproval.
FROST: Wow, Deets. Wow. I thought we’ve moved past this sort of humor.
WRIGLEY: Yeah, big no no there.
BLACK: What? I’m just saying.
Delia tugs at the binoculars one more time and with the distraction she’s caused with her low hanging fruit of a joke she is able to pull it away from Claudia. With a big old grin she looks through them and into the compound.
BLACK: Are they grilling out? Oh yeah, there’s Biff and that in no way is a fat joke, he’s not wearing a robe. I think he just left an outhouse or something.
Wrigley pulls the binoculars away quickly, getting a look.
BLACK: Rude.
FROST: Hall of Famers, Deets. How nervous are you about this match? I went up against Alice Knight in the first level of the Great Illuminatus and she’s no slouch. I gave her just about everything I had in the tank and I still barely squeaked by. Plus, who knows if these cult members are going to show up and do a bunch of hoots or whatever… they’re creepy beyond creepy. I’m at an eight, Deets. I’m at an eight.
BLACK: I’m more at a nine, I think. I’m more nervous about having to wrestle two matches and one of them I’m going it alone without you. That’s like the first time I’ve ever done that, but even with that going up against Alice Knight and Bifford? That would be the biggest win in our history, two Hall of Famers. Two people who have held so much gold in this company that they would fill out entire wings if there were a Hall of Fame building. Yeah, so I’m nervous. But you know what I’ve learned on this road trip?
FROST: What’s that?
BLACK: That you’ve got my back and I’ve got your back no matter what happens.
The two give each other a big old fist bump. Wrigley drops the binoculars to the ground.
WRIGLEY: Here we are, the moment I’ve been waiting for.
The two of them are distracted by Wrigley as he stands up. Delia and Claudia pay him no attention as he gets up, that is until Wrigley turns around towards them tossing the keys to the RV in their direction.
WRIGLEY: Start the RV and wait for my signal. We’re going to have to bail fast. Claudia, you drive.
Wrigley then charges off leaving the two of them confused, but they scramble and run off to the RV.
Power walking in slow motion.
That’s what Wrigley is doing. Just a power walk in complete slow motion.
With each step there is a painful look on his face which he fights back with a grin, because this has been his master plan the entire time. Each seven layer burrito that he scarfed down over the past four days for three meals a day has led to this moment in time. Combine that with all the diet soda that he’s been drinking which has expanded his stomach to a plump size has allowed him to hold back the urge to unload in the RV.
That’s right. Wrigley has turned himself into a power walking Taco Bell time bomb and he’s ready to go off.
He pushes past a couple of the robed cult members right into the outhouse and slams the door.
And that bomb is about to go off unto all of these unsuspecting cult members.
Three.
Two.
One…he screams at the top of his lungs
WRIGLEY: Goddamn you Taco Bell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People will remember certain events for the rest of their lives. For the people of West Virginia, they will remember where they were when someone clogged all the pipes in a ten mile radius. Those at ground zero had no chance.
We fade from the catastrophe.
Bonus Scene #1
Claudia Frost and Delia Black sit in the front of the RV, once again the duo are speeding down the road. The two of them give off a huge celebration as they reach the sign that welcomes them to the State of Florida.
Cranking up the radio in response to this, the duo begin to sing as loud as humanly possible and as off key as possible to Poison’s classic jam “Nothing but a Good Time.” From the back, a much healthier Wrigley charges up with a celery stalk in his mouth and dives between the two of them in order to turn down the music and thus saving the world from a second catastrophe.
WRIGLEY: I told you what would happen. Now make sure you don’t drive us off a cliff!
With that he storms off.
Bonus Scene #2
Wrigley and a couple of FBI agents are meeting in a dark alley. Wrigley is a little nervous at what is going on, but he’s trying to play it cool.
WRIGLEY: Yeah, that was me who tried to put the book on a shelf in Bum-fuck Missouri. That’s why I called you guys, you’re the government. And because you’re the government, I’m going to hand you guys this book… I mean, if you can’t trust the government, who can you trust?
He forces a chuckle.
WRIGLEY: Also, do you have information on where this cult is hanging out?
WIth that the screen turns to static.