Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Mar 11, 2023 14:12:33 GMT -5
“My smile was grown in darkness.”
(A clear winter sky sparkles over the snow-covered pine trees and cozy cabins that surround Foam Lake. A sharp wind cuts across the icy plain of the lake surface causing any wildlife seeking a late-night snack to scurry back home. As for the humans, they are nestled inside their cabins, warmed by a combination of fireplaces, cheap liquor, and friendship. One cabin in particular seems to be the warmest and rowdiest-)
ICE: Stop talking.
(Our hero welcomes us into his cabin.)
ICE: No, no, I’m welcoming myself into your sound booth.
(ICE storms in with a crazed look.)
ICE: You’re a fucking liability.
(Winning has not turned the tide for ICE, he continues to seek improvement.)
ICE: I’m looking to keep climbing the ladder; my view from here still sucks. You are boring. Yes, it’s fucking cold, yes, I live in Foam Lake.
(The emotional forecast is a mix of hurt feelings and displaced anger.)
ICE: I think we need someone with a little more personality.
(Our hero seems destined to wash away his audience in a sea of overthought nonsense.)
ICE: Trust me, this guy doesn’t overthink anything. Now do your job while you still have it.
(PJ comes walking into the booth and reaches for the microphone as ICE laughs at me.)
ICE: Get a new job. Try, Diana Watts, her insanity could use a little boring to balance things out.
(Now what do I do? Say stop? Or Cut? Something like that.)
History Lesson Part 3
(Okay, so it’s the 80’s. I remember them, and the 90’s but thanks to booze not much since. Anyways we are in the capital of America, Foam Lake. A cool ass long limo pulls up outside a building full of kids whose parents didn’t love them. Some businessman gets out with a baby. Oh, and a hot chick is behind him.)
Hot Chick: You said he’d be okay; that you have family in this town.
Businessman: I am also worth millions and have an investors meeting tomorrow. I’ll just leave the baby here and the nuns will figure out the rest.
Hot Chick: Fine. Now I want my money.
Businessman: Just shut your mouth, and you’ll get paid.
(The businessman puts the baby down on the step and rings the bell. I'm confused, what does this have to do with ICE? Wait, I think ICE was dropped off at a place like this as a baby...in the 80s...by a rich daddy. Holy Shit! I bet ICE knows this baby. Alright, scene over.)
Drinking and Thriving
(Jake’s bait and bar. This place has a “you buy it, we fry it” deal that rules. I once ate 399 fried worms there and had my biggest vomit ever there. Oh, look, Johnny is there. He’s drinking moonshine and he’s super drunk, and super sad about his ex, aka ICE’s current girlfriend.)
Johnny: Annie was mine first. I was cool, first. I was fun, first. He’s just an afterthought.
Jake: This drink is on the house.
Johnny: I don’t think I need another.
Jake: You will after you see who just came in.
(Look its ICE with Johnny’s ex, Annie. Man, that red head chick is hot. I don’t know what I like more, seeing Johnny upset, ICE so happy or that chick’s rack.)
ICE: Funny to see you here.
Johnny: It’s a bar and I needed a drink.
ICE: You once told me you’d rather see PJ streak again than visit this establishment.
(That was a hell of a Flag Day.)
Annie: JB, you seem sad, you aren't peeved about ICE baby and me, are you?
Johnny: I’m fine.
ICE: If it makes you feel better it’s really just about all the hot sex for me.
Johnny: That does not make me feel better.
Annie: You are upset about us. You’ve always have been a cute little softy.
ICE: He is the emotional one in the family.
Johnny: Last week you got so insane you lost some matches you committed 13 felonies!!!
ICE: There he goes again, our little hot head.
Annie: I’m so sorry you’re upset JB.
Johnny: I’m fine, in fact I am currently courting a very rich, beautiful women.
ICE: That reminds me, you got a cease-and-desist letter from Adi Gold’s lawyer in the mail today.
Johnny: I am sure that is just her playing hard to get.
ICE: Well, we’re off to have, well if I told you, it would probably just make you sadder.
Johnny: You’re leaving already? Why did you even come in?
ICE: I saw you in here, and I thought it would be funny to see your reaction when you saw us together. And I was right, it was funny.
Annie: Nite JB, hope that thing with the rich, beautiful lady works out before she puts a restraining order on you.
(Johnny is so drunk and pissed off, and ICE is so cool. And he grabbed Annie’s ass on the way out. Classic ICE. Okay, what’s next?)
OCW Elementary School
(It’s a cartoon. I love cartoons. I wish I lived in a cartoon. Come to think of it, I kinda do. Anyhow, it’s a classroom full of funny looking cartoon kids and their teacher is %100 boner-fied.)
Ms. Gold: Children, I have an announcement. But first, has anyone seen Welsh Jr.?
Leo Jr.: Not since our last recess.
Ms. Gold: Damnit. I need to stop losing kids. First Crash Jr., now this.
Meyhu Jr.: I came back.
Ms. Gold: Yes, and I gave you a gold star.
PIC Jr.: Not fair! That’s my gold star!
Ms. Gold: Quiet children, I have a headache.
Donnie Jr.: I get headaches a lot and I may not talk so good, but I’m in the normal kid class.
Ms. Gold: That’s due to budget cuts to our Special Education program.
Alice Jr.: I colored a picture of a butterfly.
Ms. Gold: Speaking of those budget cuts, good job Alice Jr.
Synn Jr.: I colored a picture of a butterfly too.
Ms. Gold: A very red butterfly.
Synn Jr.: That’s blood.
Ms. Gold: Of course, it is.
TLS Jr.: When can I share my history report?
Ms. Gold: Did you bring in another person from history as a visual aid?
Claudius Jr.: I thou demand a nap. My reality is far too boring.
Stan Jr.: CAN I GO TO THE POTTY!?!
Ms. Gold: Stop screaming all the time!
Dylan Jr.: Bifford Jr. ate all the naptime snacks again.
Bifford Jr.: The school’s buffet was locked.
Ms. Gold: The school doesn’t have a buffet, that is the refrigerator in the teacher’s lounge.
Brooke Jr.: He’s big boned, not beautiful and blessed like me.
Ms. Gold: You scored worse than Goon 83 Jr. on your last math quiz.
Goon 83 Jr.: Goon count all the way to one.
Delia Jr.: Claudia Jr. is pulling my pigtails!
Claudia Jr.: Well, she’s eating all my crayons!
Ms. Gold: Both of you go get your “calm down” pills from the nurse; and bring me back a couple.
Harmon Jr. If you need to relax, I can always play you a tune on my kazoo.
Ms. Gold: You’re the worst teacher’s pet ever.
Stokes Sr.: When is the A-Bomb duck and cover drill?
Ms. Gold: You should have graduated 30 years ago.
Zybala Jr.: Hey Everyone Look At Me!
Ms. Gold: Both of you need to get back to your classroom!
Jenny Jr.: Whatever! You all look like criminals anyhow.
Ms. Gold: Time for show and tell.
Diana Jr.: I brought in my daddy’s favorite book. It's about a boy who plays. But there’s no boy, and a lot of the pages stick together.
Ms. Gold: This is worse than when you misspelled the word “what” in the spelling bee.
ICE Jr.: Don’t worry, I’ll beat some sense into her.
Ms. Gold: If you weren’t my classroom bully ICE Jr., I’d never make it to happy hour.
Leo Jr.: Didn’t you have an announcement?
Ms. Gold: Oh yes, we’re getting at least 3 new students tomorrow, multiple students are moving away next week, and the new principal is extending the school day by 250 minutes.
(The End; I hope Garfield and Friends is on next.)
Care to Share with Dee
(ICE man and Dee are at his cabin, talking and damnit, they’re drinking without me.)
DEE: What motivates you?
ICE: The feeling of joy. I drink my liver black, to feel joy. I insult people’s insecurities, to feel joy. I inflect physical pain onto others, to feel joy. I destroyed Brooke, to feel joy. And when the ref raises my hand at Massacre, I will feel joy. When I hold my new title belt high in the air, I will feel joy. And when I take it too far by attacking the EMTs trying to help Watts, fucking shit, I will feel joy.
DEE: Speaking of Watts, how do you feel about your match with her this week?
ICE: Watts is a fucking chicken with no head; stumbling around for now but destined for my dinner table. She’s currently coloring only outside the lines and trust me, using insanity to cover up sadness is a mental ticking timebomb. Her emotions are slamming down upon her like open ocean waves, and she is currently fixing the leaks in her life raft with a false sense of hope. At Massacre, she will drown in delusional sea of her own creation.
DEE: What exactly do you mean by that?
ICE: Delusion is like tequila, it seems like a fun idea in the moment, but in the end, it fucks you over. Watts’ passion has created nothing but comedy where a fart joke is considered highbrow. Her focus is so lost it belongs on the side of a milk carton. And those failed attributes might be good enough to defeat some Greek freak who creates the same promo each week with different words, but it won’t be good enough when my freezing cold reality check sends her violently into the New ICE AGE.
DEE: You seem extra motived this week, why?
ICE: As an actual insane person, who uses actual humor to hide his actual issues, I find Diana Watts offensive. But fuck her. For me, this week I am motivated by the Massacre belt. It has been the shiny carrot I’ve been dangling in front of my face since the moment I first saw it premiere on OCW TV. As a self-centered asshole that belt is the validation I need. I have a sickness to be respected, to be beloved, to be seen as a god among peasants, and no shit stain like Diana Watts is going to stop me from finding a cure to my disease. Now why the fuck are you asking me all these questions?
DEE: I am starting a new exclusive OCW podcast interview show, where I ask all the hard-hitting questions to OCW superstars.
(Hey, look, it’s me!)
PJ: Hey, DEE, you just got a cease-and-desist letter from The Leo.
DEE: And just like that, Care to Share with Dee is no more.
ICE: Good, cuz that show name really sucks.
(Man, I look fat. And Dee is crying or something. Oh, and ICE is leaving. Is this promo over yet?)
History Lesson Part 4
(Okay, back to the 80’s. The baby is still there, but the businessman and hot chick are long gone. Here comes some old church ladies dressed like penguins. No wait, they're called something like, Funs? Buns? Huns? That’s it, the old huns pick up the baby.)
Hun #1: This child has come with a note: it says this boy is a Beckman.
Hun #2: Dear God no.
Hun #1: Shall we bless him as a new arrival?
Hun #2: He would be a curse from Satan upon this orphanage.
Hun #1: Then what shall we do?
Hun #2: He has family in this town, let him be their burden.
Hun #1: That doesn’t sound too Christian of us.
Hun #2: Fuck being Christian, this kid is going to be a total asshole.
(The church penguins walk away with the baby as I finally get to say goodbye and go get drunk.)
“At Massacre my last laugh will be golden.”
(A clear winter sky sparkles over the snow-covered pine trees and cozy cabins that surround Foam Lake. A sharp wind cuts across the icy plain of the lake surface causing any wildlife seeking a late-night snack to scurry back home. As for the humans, they are nestled inside their cabins, warmed by a combination of fireplaces, cheap liquor, and friendship. One cabin in particular seems to be the warmest and rowdiest-)
ICE: Stop talking.
(Our hero welcomes us into his cabin.)
ICE: No, no, I’m welcoming myself into your sound booth.
(ICE storms in with a crazed look.)
ICE: You’re a fucking liability.
(Winning has not turned the tide for ICE, he continues to seek improvement.)
ICE: I’m looking to keep climbing the ladder; my view from here still sucks. You are boring. Yes, it’s fucking cold, yes, I live in Foam Lake.
(The emotional forecast is a mix of hurt feelings and displaced anger.)
ICE: I think we need someone with a little more personality.
(Our hero seems destined to wash away his audience in a sea of overthought nonsense.)
ICE: Trust me, this guy doesn’t overthink anything. Now do your job while you still have it.
(PJ comes walking into the booth and reaches for the microphone as ICE laughs at me.)
ICE: Get a new job. Try, Diana Watts, her insanity could use a little boring to balance things out.
(Now what do I do? Say stop? Or Cut? Something like that.)
History Lesson Part 3
(Okay, so it’s the 80’s. I remember them, and the 90’s but thanks to booze not much since. Anyways we are in the capital of America, Foam Lake. A cool ass long limo pulls up outside a building full of kids whose parents didn’t love them. Some businessman gets out with a baby. Oh, and a hot chick is behind him.)
Hot Chick: You said he’d be okay; that you have family in this town.
Businessman: I am also worth millions and have an investors meeting tomorrow. I’ll just leave the baby here and the nuns will figure out the rest.
Hot Chick: Fine. Now I want my money.
Businessman: Just shut your mouth, and you’ll get paid.
(The businessman puts the baby down on the step and rings the bell. I'm confused, what does this have to do with ICE? Wait, I think ICE was dropped off at a place like this as a baby...in the 80s...by a rich daddy. Holy Shit! I bet ICE knows this baby. Alright, scene over.)
Drinking and Thriving
(Jake’s bait and bar. This place has a “you buy it, we fry it” deal that rules. I once ate 399 fried worms there and had my biggest vomit ever there. Oh, look, Johnny is there. He’s drinking moonshine and he’s super drunk, and super sad about his ex, aka ICE’s current girlfriend.)
Johnny: Annie was mine first. I was cool, first. I was fun, first. He’s just an afterthought.
Jake: This drink is on the house.
Johnny: I don’t think I need another.
Jake: You will after you see who just came in.
(Look its ICE with Johnny’s ex, Annie. Man, that red head chick is hot. I don’t know what I like more, seeing Johnny upset, ICE so happy or that chick’s rack.)
ICE: Funny to see you here.
Johnny: It’s a bar and I needed a drink.
ICE: You once told me you’d rather see PJ streak again than visit this establishment.
(That was a hell of a Flag Day.)
Annie: JB, you seem sad, you aren't peeved about ICE baby and me, are you?
Johnny: I’m fine.
ICE: If it makes you feel better it’s really just about all the hot sex for me.
Johnny: That does not make me feel better.
Annie: You are upset about us. You’ve always have been a cute little softy.
ICE: He is the emotional one in the family.
Johnny: Last week you got so insane you lost some matches you committed 13 felonies!!!
ICE: There he goes again, our little hot head.
Annie: I’m so sorry you’re upset JB.
Johnny: I’m fine, in fact I am currently courting a very rich, beautiful women.
ICE: That reminds me, you got a cease-and-desist letter from Adi Gold’s lawyer in the mail today.
Johnny: I am sure that is just her playing hard to get.
ICE: Well, we’re off to have, well if I told you, it would probably just make you sadder.
Johnny: You’re leaving already? Why did you even come in?
ICE: I saw you in here, and I thought it would be funny to see your reaction when you saw us together. And I was right, it was funny.
Annie: Nite JB, hope that thing with the rich, beautiful lady works out before she puts a restraining order on you.
(Johnny is so drunk and pissed off, and ICE is so cool. And he grabbed Annie’s ass on the way out. Classic ICE. Okay, what’s next?)
OCW Elementary School
(It’s a cartoon. I love cartoons. I wish I lived in a cartoon. Come to think of it, I kinda do. Anyhow, it’s a classroom full of funny looking cartoon kids and their teacher is %100 boner-fied.)
Ms. Gold: Children, I have an announcement. But first, has anyone seen Welsh Jr.?
Leo Jr.: Not since our last recess.
Ms. Gold: Damnit. I need to stop losing kids. First Crash Jr., now this.
Meyhu Jr.: I came back.
Ms. Gold: Yes, and I gave you a gold star.
PIC Jr.: Not fair! That’s my gold star!
Ms. Gold: Quiet children, I have a headache.
Donnie Jr.: I get headaches a lot and I may not talk so good, but I’m in the normal kid class.
Ms. Gold: That’s due to budget cuts to our Special Education program.
Alice Jr.: I colored a picture of a butterfly.
Ms. Gold: Speaking of those budget cuts, good job Alice Jr.
Synn Jr.: I colored a picture of a butterfly too.
Ms. Gold: A very red butterfly.
Synn Jr.: That’s blood.
Ms. Gold: Of course, it is.
TLS Jr.: When can I share my history report?
Ms. Gold: Did you bring in another person from history as a visual aid?
Claudius Jr.: I thou demand a nap. My reality is far too boring.
Stan Jr.: CAN I GO TO THE POTTY!?!
Ms. Gold: Stop screaming all the time!
Dylan Jr.: Bifford Jr. ate all the naptime snacks again.
Bifford Jr.: The school’s buffet was locked.
Ms. Gold: The school doesn’t have a buffet, that is the refrigerator in the teacher’s lounge.
Brooke Jr.: He’s big boned, not beautiful and blessed like me.
Ms. Gold: You scored worse than Goon 83 Jr. on your last math quiz.
Goon 83 Jr.: Goon count all the way to one.
Delia Jr.: Claudia Jr. is pulling my pigtails!
Claudia Jr.: Well, she’s eating all my crayons!
Ms. Gold: Both of you go get your “calm down” pills from the nurse; and bring me back a couple.
Harmon Jr. If you need to relax, I can always play you a tune on my kazoo.
Ms. Gold: You’re the worst teacher’s pet ever.
Stokes Sr.: When is the A-Bomb duck and cover drill?
Ms. Gold: You should have graduated 30 years ago.
Zybala Jr.: Hey Everyone Look At Me!
Ms. Gold: Both of you need to get back to your classroom!
Jenny Jr.: Whatever! You all look like criminals anyhow.
Ms. Gold: Time for show and tell.
Diana Jr.: I brought in my daddy’s favorite book. It's about a boy who plays. But there’s no boy, and a lot of the pages stick together.
Ms. Gold: This is worse than when you misspelled the word “what” in the spelling bee.
ICE Jr.: Don’t worry, I’ll beat some sense into her.
Ms. Gold: If you weren’t my classroom bully ICE Jr., I’d never make it to happy hour.
Leo Jr.: Didn’t you have an announcement?
Ms. Gold: Oh yes, we’re getting at least 3 new students tomorrow, multiple students are moving away next week, and the new principal is extending the school day by 250 minutes.
(The End; I hope Garfield and Friends is on next.)
Care to Share with Dee
(ICE man and Dee are at his cabin, talking and damnit, they’re drinking without me.)
DEE: What motivates you?
ICE: The feeling of joy. I drink my liver black, to feel joy. I insult people’s insecurities, to feel joy. I inflect physical pain onto others, to feel joy. I destroyed Brooke, to feel joy. And when the ref raises my hand at Massacre, I will feel joy. When I hold my new title belt high in the air, I will feel joy. And when I take it too far by attacking the EMTs trying to help Watts, fucking shit, I will feel joy.
DEE: Speaking of Watts, how do you feel about your match with her this week?
ICE: Watts is a fucking chicken with no head; stumbling around for now but destined for my dinner table. She’s currently coloring only outside the lines and trust me, using insanity to cover up sadness is a mental ticking timebomb. Her emotions are slamming down upon her like open ocean waves, and she is currently fixing the leaks in her life raft with a false sense of hope. At Massacre, she will drown in delusional sea of her own creation.
DEE: What exactly do you mean by that?
ICE: Delusion is like tequila, it seems like a fun idea in the moment, but in the end, it fucks you over. Watts’ passion has created nothing but comedy where a fart joke is considered highbrow. Her focus is so lost it belongs on the side of a milk carton. And those failed attributes might be good enough to defeat some Greek freak who creates the same promo each week with different words, but it won’t be good enough when my freezing cold reality check sends her violently into the New ICE AGE.
DEE: You seem extra motived this week, why?
ICE: As an actual insane person, who uses actual humor to hide his actual issues, I find Diana Watts offensive. But fuck her. For me, this week I am motivated by the Massacre belt. It has been the shiny carrot I’ve been dangling in front of my face since the moment I first saw it premiere on OCW TV. As a self-centered asshole that belt is the validation I need. I have a sickness to be respected, to be beloved, to be seen as a god among peasants, and no shit stain like Diana Watts is going to stop me from finding a cure to my disease. Now why the fuck are you asking me all these questions?
DEE: I am starting a new exclusive OCW podcast interview show, where I ask all the hard-hitting questions to OCW superstars.
(Hey, look, it’s me!)
PJ: Hey, DEE, you just got a cease-and-desist letter from The Leo.
DEE: And just like that, Care to Share with Dee is no more.
ICE: Good, cuz that show name really sucks.
(Man, I look fat. And Dee is crying or something. Oh, and ICE is leaving. Is this promo over yet?)
History Lesson Part 4
(Okay, back to the 80’s. The baby is still there, but the businessman and hot chick are long gone. Here comes some old church ladies dressed like penguins. No wait, they're called something like, Funs? Buns? Huns? That’s it, the old huns pick up the baby.)
Hun #1: This child has come with a note: it says this boy is a Beckman.
Hun #2: Dear God no.
Hun #1: Shall we bless him as a new arrival?
Hun #2: He would be a curse from Satan upon this orphanage.
Hun #1: Then what shall we do?
Hun #2: He has family in this town, let him be their burden.
Hun #1: That doesn’t sound too Christian of us.
Hun #2: Fuck being Christian, this kid is going to be a total asshole.
(The church penguins walk away with the baby as I finally get to say goodbye and go get drunk.)
“At Massacre my last laugh will be golden.”
