Post by Diana Watts on Feb 28, 2023 3:31:32 GMT -5
~Cut to inside Chief Tyson's police station office. He is giving it to his best detective, Dirby Jones.~
Dammit, Dirby! You tore that boys arm off!!
Hey, Chief. He had a spare.
Well, I am forced to give you a partner.
A Partner? NO FUCKING WAY!!
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Come in, Officer Watts.
~Diana Watts in a police uniform enters the office.
Your new secretary? She's cuter than ol' Helen. Bigger rack anyway... but why is she wearing a police uniform?
Well, Dirby. Meet your NEW partner, Diana Watts.
~Dirby stands up in rage whipping his coffee mug out of the window. He gets in Diana's face.~
Listen up, girly! I work alone. Always have! Just because you think you're tough shit doesn't mean jack to me, girly.
~He pulls out a $20 bill stuffing it in her colar~
Take this $20 bill and go buy a sundress you dumb bitch and leave the police work to the PROFESSIONALS! Got it, girly?
~Diana tears the bill getting into Dirby's face.~
Do you know who I am? I kick peoples ass for living. I will have your face black and blue within seconds. I might be the next Massacre champion. So back off DICK.
Hmmm. This kitten bites, huh?
~Suddenly he turns back to Diana and sticks his fist in the air threatening to punch but she doesn't flinch.~
Well played, girly. So you woke up and wanted to be Barney 5 for a day? Well just because you have connections to get you here doesn't mean i will EVER respect you, girly.
That's fine with me, Dirby. But i'll tear your HUMAN head off if you in anyway try and endanger my life, dirt bag. Got it?
Don't tease me, girly.
~The chief begins screaming getting their attention.~
AHHHHHH! Listen kids, you going to bark all day? Acting like some bitches. So... I've got a special assignment for you two. Not special 'cause it's good in anyway; special 'cause y'all are a couple of retarded idiots.
You're not allowed to call us that anymore.
Yeah dirt-bag's right, that seems inappropriate on every level. Plus the Twitter world says you have to call the retarded folks "Spectrum Warriors" or something.
Fuck Twitter! Bunch of lame as lesbians and wrestlers. Diana should know...
~Dirby blows snot on the floor unimpressed.~
You nasty motha' fucka! Anyway, listen... I got a call this morning about a 'BAD GIRL' on the loose. An NO, i don't mean Madonna!! Ha! That's a joke for the kids.
Isn't that song like 30 years old?
SHUT THE FUCK UP, WATTS!
You just point her out, Chief and I'll blow her titties off!
WE... will blow her tits off, sir.
~Dirby grunts.~
If I have to sign one more report with "titties blown off" written on it, I'm bringing a axe to work. Now let me finish. The reason she's bad and dangerous is she lures men in with her woman vagina and gives them amazing hand-jobs... and then cuts their dicks off.
We'll take the case!
Really? No objections?
No warm beans, Chief... Only cool beans.
You heard the part about cutting dicks off, right? Oh. I forgot you have a beaver and not a cock-a-doodle-doo.
She doesn't have a dong, sir. She doesn't get it. It's always a risk in our line of work. I almost cut two dicks off this morning when I was making coffee.
Damn right.
We're talking about the same thing here, yeah? "Cutting your dick off" isn't some dumb code for getting high off lighter-fluid or something? Plus I don't think me having a glorious vagina shouldn't matter here gentlemen. As you know the male penis is a piece of art. It's stunning to look at. Stunning to experience. As a straight woman the idea of touching and feeling the that male organ is a thrill. And if this maniac is on a mission to cut those beautiful things off your rugged bodies. Then I will be the first to get in line to stop this psycho... and blow her tits off.
~Dirby and Tyson adjust their pants.~
Damn Diana. I may get to like you. But yes, a dick cutting is very serious thing. But I'm impressed. No one else wanted to risk getting their dicks cut off on this case. Especially the female officers. Or the dykes, as I call them. Don't tell HR I said that. But Diana, you said you're straight. So maybe you and Dirby can solve it together. Now here's the thing. As far as we know, she's not in Ohio. Bitch be collecting dicks in Hawaii. But we have a sketch of the dick cutting culprit.
~Dramatic music plays. As Chief hands them each a sketch of The Dick Cutter who looks exactly like OCW Massacre Champion Claudius Augustus with giant breasts~
Wow. This looks exactly like... a wrestler I am facing this upcoming Monday. Claudius Augustus. We kind of have a history together. A short lived history. But a history no less.
You know this bitch??
He's got smaller boobs. But same face.
Shut up, bitch. The dick cutter's a wrestler? That's something a bad writer would come up with. As for Hawaii? FUCK THAT!
I don't give a shit. I'm going home to get a hand-job from my wife. Don't worry, she ain't gonna cut my dick off. She promised in our marriage vows while the priest made the choir sing 26 songs about it. The priest may have just really hated transvestites. Get to work!
~The Chief snaps his fingers as it cuts to a sunny beach in Hawaii. Dirby and Diana look around confused.
Ugh, it's hot here. I'm getting a bad sunburn because I drank all my sunscreen on the plane. But it's nice to be on my first case.
Shut it, girly! We're both suffering. I wasn't even allowed to bring my sandals on the plane.
Same here. Now I have sand on my shoes. But not on the inside, or even much on the outside, but ALL OVER THE BOTTOM!! Thanks a lot, Hawaii. They should call this place "SHITTY LAND"!
~A woman with gigantic breasts approaches them wearing a ski-mask. She begins flirting with Dirby, playing with his tie.~
Aloha. You two are out-of-towners? I can tell because you two aren't wearing sandals and your breath smells like sunscreen.
Fuck off, lady. We don't want our dicks cut off unless you give us hand-jobs first.
Um, Dirby. No penis remember?
~Diana rubs the front of her pants. Dirby looks and licks his lips.
Prove it.
Eww. Anyway. Yeah, piss off, Lady. We're looking for a bitch who tugs first and cuts second.
Also we're not cops, so don't ask to see our badges because then we have to show them to you.
~A close up of Diana leaning in.~
Good thinking, partner.
...What?
~Cut to a wide shot to reveal Diana is leaning into the woman instead of Dirby.~
I'm just, um, smelling your hair because we're not allowed to do that after we arrest you. Do you use sunscreen for shampoo or am I smelling my own breath?
Look, do you want a hand-job or not? I promise I'll hold this knife in my OTHER hand. That way you'll know that I'm not cutting your dick off. We all know this woman THE DICK CUTTER you're looking for doesn't exist. Nobody cuts dicks off anymore. It stopped being cool in 2001.
The rumors are true! A flight attendant gave a pilot a handy and when he came he crashed the plane in the World Trade Center? I KENW IT!
C'mon, let's all meet in the bathroom so I can show you my special hand-job technique, which involves a knife and a tiny bit of dick cutting, but not all the way off, don't worry.
Makes sense to me!
The beaches have bathrooms? I've been peeing in kids sand castles all day. WAIT! DIRBY! I think it's a trick!
Don't worry... I have exactly where I want her. You keep surveillance. And don't play with yourself. Let's go, missy.
~The two into the bathroom as they shut the door, Diana leans into the thin walls listening. She pulls out the sketch and looks it over.
Oh Claudius! We finally meet on Massacre. That one week where I changed my life for you is the past. I was in a rough place and you TRIED to take advantage of me. But fail you did. Because here we are. You doing well as the OCW Massacre champion making a triumph return. Me? Also... doing... fine...? Sure I may be working as a cop right now. Trying to figure out where my place in this world.. again. But that all changes on Massacre. Being the new Massacre champion will set me on the right path. Put me in the spot where I was destined to be. Sure it's not the top of the card. Barely middle. But it will show that I am a somebody. And NOT a loser. Not. A. Loser. I will be a winner. And winners don't need to worry about arresting dick cutters. Worry about being in a Roman Empire. They just be themselves. All the time. And I am anxious to feel that... for the rest of my life. And beating you old chum will do just that. And I am gonna sit in the glory. It's going to be sweet and...
BANG
~The bathroom door slams open as Dirby walks out of the bathroom with a limp, as he pulls up his pants. Diana approaches him.~
Catch you later, uh... Cher? Was her name Cher, Watts?
Sorry I zoned out. But i don't think that was her name. Bertha, maybe?
Whoops. I was calling her Cher while she was twistin' my ding-dong. Nice lady. I'm glad I could help her out by lending her my dick for that homeless charity she works for.
Wow. I never thought that you would give your dick to charity. That's super nice of you, Dirby. I mean I have given all kinds of other things to charities in my lifetime. Mainly big smiles, loose raisins from my pocket, my own hand-jobs. But those are just material things, you know? I feel what you did is really making a difference.
~Diana's phone rings. She answers~
WATTS up?
Thank God you answered! Please tell me y'all still got your dicks in your pants!
First of all, Chief. I am a lady. Therefore my penis does not exist! (under her breath) Not yet anyway... Um, but don't worry Det. Dirby gave his dick to charity.
Oh, Lordy, I knew y'all was too dumb for this case. Listen my wife.. well... she CUT *MY* DICK OFF!!!
You caught the dick cutter? Good stuff, Chief!
Shut the fuck up! I ain't finished! I managed to arrest her and get my dick on ice, but... all of a sudden, more calls started coming in. Alabama. Florida. Washington. Dicks being cut off all over the country.
Wow! This charity is really taking off! Good for Cher!!
I don't know what the fuck any of that sentence means, but you didn't give your dick to no charity. You got played. And there's a whole cock ring out there.
A cock ring? Sir that doesn't seem to fit well.
Ya'll are still dumb as shit.
Sorry, Chief. Tell us the plan. We're all dicks--I mean ears. How do we get Dirby's dick back? And can I go undercover as the frustrated housewife in a cat litter commercial? That'd be rad.
There's only one way to stop a cock ring... cut off the head.
Wow. So you're saying, if I may be so bold as to extrapolate the inherent intent behind your theory, that in order to eradicate this rapidly growing phenomenon of genital amputation, we must, in essence, become that which we so passionately loathe, by partaking in the very act of dick cutting ourselves - severing the "penis de la resistance", as it were, in the ultimate act of dramatic irony.
Look at you. Actin' like you some educated Einstein bitch! Can't fool me, Watts. I watched you try to eat the scented goo from a plug-in air-freshener on your first day!
Technically, I didn't try to eat it, I succeeded. But don't worry. We got this. And partner?
Yeah, Watts?
Next time... let's take the bus!
~Diana and Dirby share a chuckle. She smiles as Dirby starts to panic grabbing around his sore crotch. Diana rubs him on the back.~
SO WATTS UP?? Well, they never did catch the Dick Cutter. In fact Diana quit the Police Department the following day due to 'lack of interest'. But really what does this have to do with Diana Watts' match on Massacre against Claudius Augustus? Was her day as police officer gives her the upper hand in the Massacre title match? Probably not. As for Chief Tyson. His dick was sewed on... while Dirby's pecker? Let's just say he isn't known as DIRTY Dirby anymore. He is known as NO COCK Dirby... wait... No-Dicky Dirby would have been better. Wait... hang on... BAHHHH! Anyway. Diana Watts versus Claudius Augustus for the belt. A match with a history. A match with two rising stars. Two stars hard to beat. Two stars erecting to the top of the roster. Rise. Hard. Beat. Erect! COCK AND BALLS! PENIS!!! That's WATTS Up!
