Post by Marcus Welsh on Feb 26, 2023 18:30:10 GMT -5
February 2nd 2023
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS!
“Ladies and gentlemen I am Wolf Blitzer, aka The Wolfman B, aka The BlitzWolf 2000, aka the coolest and bestest CNN anchorman EVER. And I am here with breaking news this evening. Beloved professional wrestler and chunky mustard founder Alice Knight… has died. Her disgustingly obese body was found at Vail Colorado Ski Resort over the weekend. Rumor has it she was training for an upcoming Online Championship Wrestling pyramid type match and accidentally bludgeoned her own head on a giant rock during her workout routine. Not much more information at this time but this isn’t speculation or rumor. This is CNN, bitches. So it’s 100% accurate. This is not presumption. This is truth. It's a fact, yo! Alice Knight… dead at the age of 21 and… wait. That can't be right. She’s cute and all but she’s aging like a burnt tire is she not? What? TOo soon? Up next. Avatar 3? Are you excited? My pants full of boner says ‘yes, we ALL are’.
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS
January 31st 2023
TWO DAYS EARLIER
We open on a shot of Alice Knight in her pajamas. Walking around her home in California, she punches in a few numbers into her phone. It tings as she bends down looking at her recently won OCW Tag Team Championship belt. Noticing a smudge she wipes it clean using her sleeve until clean. Nodding she continues to wait until the ringing comes to a voice mail.
“YOU’VE REACHED THE BIG BIFFORD!”
Alice sighs as she waits for the voice mail message to finish.BEEP.
“Biff’... it’s Alice… again. Yep your tag team champion partner! Been trying to get a hold of you for the last 20 minutes. Probably my 10th time calling you… 17th to be exact. I know how you prefer accuracy. A lesser friend and partner MIGHT THINK you were ignoring me. But that’s doubtful. I mean we OWNED those bastards, am I right? Look… I know you don’t want in this dynamic duo called you and me. But buddy it’s happening. You can even be Batman to my Robin. This is Lethal Weapon? Guess what, bud? You’re Riggs and I am Danny Glover. And even if this is the 80s movie TWINS!?! You’re Arnold and guess who i am? Yep.. I am also Arnold. Because I think that’s how the movie plays out. Never seen it. Maybe we can watch it some time together…”
Alice checks the time.
“... wow. This message must feel longer then the last 19 I sent ya. But look. NO. RUSH. Getting back to me. I know you’re busy… me too. I just wanted to know, since we’re like totally BFFs now, being OCW Tag Team Champs, we NEVER have to worry about pinning each other ever again. You beat me most of the time? Maybe? 2 out 3 falls? Sure you got TWO but I DID get the last pin fall which is what people kind of remember but that’s all moot now. Never have to talk about that again. Buuuut… I was wondering, are you in the Illumantus pyramid match at Carpe Noctem? I know it’s a secret… and… I am TOTALLY not in it. But… if you wanted to tell me you are you totally could. I won’t tell a soul. Promise! Anyway take care… Also, did I leave my lacy bra in Earl’s car? If I did, I can pick it up anytime. Take care, PARTNER! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice swipes the phone off and puts it down and picks up her OCW Tag Team Championship. Draping it over her shoulder she checks herself out in the mirror.
“Hi there, gorgeous. Aren’t you a purdy one… and the woman is pretty nice too. Come here often? You do… how about you take them pants off and you and I get down and dirty. Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me… NOW TAKE THEM PANTS OFF YOU FILTHY BITCH! DO IT!!”
Alice bites her bottom lip and rushes to untie her pants and tear them off but before she does this her doorbell ringing is heard. Owlie, in her cage, begins flipping out running Alice’s ‘alone time’.
Alice rushes to the front door, stomping her feet while doing so. Owlie still flipping out as she passes. Alice doesn’t help the animal as she shakes the cage in anger. This makes Owlie shriek and flap its wings harder. Alice sticks her tongue at the bird before finally opening the door.
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, DUDE?
Alice runs into a large suited mans chest. It is Big T. Her newly signed TRIPLE T agency's bodyguard they assigned to her. She stands out silently and points to the black limo parked in Alice’s drive way.
“Nice ride, T! Who you driving around? Tim Allen? ARGH ARGH ARGHHHHH!! Haha”
Alice makes Tim Allen grunts as she laughs. Big T doesn’t laugh and motions to his wrist to hurry up.
“Oh… right. That’s for me. I forgot. Let me get dressed up and I will be out in a minute or two… Or… TEN! HA!”
Alice slams the door in Big T’s face. T sighs before cracking his large neck and fixing his suit. Alice peaks through the door hole watching Big T walk back to the limo trying to keep in her laughter.
“Oh my God. What a putz. You know who likes stories about putz’s? THE BIG BIFFORD! I should call him and tell him about it before I forget!”
Alice rushes back to her room to her phone.
45 MINUTES LATER AT TRIPLE T TALENT AGENCY
“Alice, Alice, Alice. You need to WORK with us here, lady. We. Are. Here. For. YOU!”
Triple T talent agent and founder, Tony Plummer says this as he looks out of his boardroom office window looking over the downtown area. Alice sits behind him diggingher hands in the bowl of hard candies. She appears to not be able to find the flavor she is looking for. She picks up the bowl and pours it on the table making lots of noise and a mess. The noise makes Tony turn around. He watches Alice dig through the candy. He shakes his head sighing as Big T watches on quietly.
“I forget which flavor I had last time. It was really good. Very minty. Buuuuuuut not TOO minty, ya know?”
“ALICE!!”
Alice stops digging through the candies and looks up surprised by Tony’s outburst.
“Alice… dear. They’re all mints. They’re all the same color. White. White mints. Just. Take. One.”
Alice holds her hands up in alert and mouths the word ‘WOW!’ to Big T. He doesn’t react. She finally takes a mint and tosses it into her mouth.
“Ok, Alice we…”
“This is the flavor I had last time by the way… though i think the one i had last time was Blue. Pretty sure it was blue…” Alice interrupts.
“It… wasn’t, Miss Knight. It’s the same WHITE mints we always share to our guests and clients. Ok?”
Alice nods. Tony goes to speak again but Alice jumps in.
“I remember it being a blue-ish, though!”
“IT WASN’T! It… hmm… “ He fixes his shirt. “It was white. Trust me. A white mint.”
Alice looks at Big T again with another ‘WOW’ look on her face.
“So Alice. We know you wrestled that Kraken match at Decadence. When we specifically asked you NOT to do these vicious hardcore matches anymore. Under our agency, you must be on your best behavior. We want young girls AND boys… and the transgender ones who don’t know what they are yet. We want all them to LOVE the Owlis! Alice Knight! Hut! Hut! Hut!!”
Alice looks at her agent confused as someone leans into Tony’s ear. He nods.
“Sorry… HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice smiles understanding now. She looks at Big T quietly mouthing “HOOT” to him as she points to herself. He doesn’t react.
“We get that you and the Big Buffalo won the OCW Tag Team Championships at this event. But the OCW image just isn’t the right fit for you right now Alice. We were looking into other wrestling organizations. Like what about WGWF? They recently had Photobucket as a sponsor. The logo was on everything. Or… or… ACTION WRESTLING! Yeah! I like Action! Plus it’s generic and no risk of getting anymore attention. It’s as intriguing as flies screwing on a pile of doo turds. WHich is a bonus for us because you can be at the top of that place in a matter of months with your talent and charm. It’s best for business and best for us, Miss Knight. Now I heard you might be going in this pyramid match at the next OCW event? No, no, no. We can’t have that. Should I give Action Wrestling a call? Right now? I have the Gravedigger on speed dial… HUT! HUT! HUT!”
Alice looks confused. Again the assistant leans into Tony’s ear.
“Um… HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice nods once again, understanding. She looks up at Big T and points to herself and mouthing the word HOOT at him once more. He doesn’t react… again.
“SO what do you say HOOT Queen?”
Alice stands up from her chair. She glares at Tony who smirks back at her.
“Listen, guy! I am not going to Action Wrestling! I am not going to W.G.W.F. You can throw any of these lame wrestling company’s at me. CULTS. Boardwalks! Fights! Hell even a major pay day at XWF SnowBall! Which is a sexual term for when you spit a guy's delicious semen INTO his mouth for him to swallow! Ya… that’s what transgender kids wanna google when they hear about XWF SNOW BALLS!!! Huh? HUHHHHH?”
“Um… I believe its XWF Snow Job… I don’t know what you are referring to, Alice…”
“It’s… um… it’s a sexual thing I read about… it’s… whatever! Doesn’t matter! What I am saying is I am an OCW Lifer. Sure management has been a roller coaster ride from Presidents Dean’s to Mikey Zybala’s to Marcus Welsh’s to Thad Dukes, Straders and now Goldy-Locks. It’s kind of confusing. But OCW is where the history is. Where you either make it or you don’t. And sure some say I already have done enough to step away. Hall of Famer. OCW Champion. Best friends with The Big BIFFORD. Bifford by the way, not Buffalo. Bifford you dummy’s. I am an OCW Tag Team Champion. And come Carpe Noctem 2… I am going to finally win my second OCW Championship when I go through the Great Illuminatus pyramid tournament and then defeat Randal ‘PIC’ Floyd to become the NEW TWO TIME OCW CHAMPION! It’s gonna be great… So if that means I have to LEAVE THE TRIPLE T AGENCY! Then guess what…?”
“You will leave, huh?”
“I WILL LEAVE AND… wait… yeah… don’t jump in, dude. I’m like giving my Oscar speech here. Don’t be the music cue cutting me off from rambling. I still didn’t even thank my family yet… BAH! The moments lost… where was I, again?”
“You thought you were leaving…? Well you’re not, Alice. No one just leaves the TRIPLE T talent agency. Some have tried. But it’s not that simple. Don’t be a buffoon, Alice. Buffoons make drastic mistakes. You’re not a buffoon are you, Alice?”
Alice laughs. “WOULD A ‘BALLOON’ DO THIS!?!?” She begins flicking some of the mints from the table at agents in the boardroom. Missing everyone. Tony turns around looking back out the window ignoring her as flicked mints hit his back.
“Exactly! Now if you excuse me. This so called BALLOON is FLOATING to Colorado for training. I have a huge CARPE NOCTEM PYRAMID MATCH in ANTARCTICA! Maybe you can check it out! And then TRY your best to POP this sexy BALLOON some other time. PEACE! HOOT!… HOOT!... HOOT!”
Alice scoops a handful of mints into her pants pockets and storms out of the board room. Tony makes a villainous smug look as he looks down at a bulletin board.
“Big mistake Miss Knight. Some have tried to leave TRIPLE T. Stars like Lisa Marie Pressly. Ray Liotta. David Crosby. The Green Power Ranger… and now you. Big mistake indeed. Big T!”
Big T walks up behind him cracking his nech as he does.
“Finish her. And make it look like an accident.”
“Yes sir..” T finally speaks as he walks out of the board room. Tony begins laughing menacingly. “HAHAHAHAAHH…” He stops and looks at the board again. “I did say BUFFOON, not BALLOON, right?” They all grunt YES as he nods looking at Alice’s photo on the ‘CLIENTS TO KILL” board.
February 2nd 2023
VAIL, COLORADO SKI RESORT!
“Alice… why can’t we go skiing?”
Alice’s homeless friend-slash-slave Ferguson says this on a wintery hill. He is dodging snowballs being thrown a him.
“Why do you have to keep throwing snow at me? Shouldn’t I be the one doing that to you? Since you’re the one in the Illumantus match? This doesn’t seem fair to me…”
Alice laughs as she hoses down her snowballs with cold water.
“Sometimes life isn’t fair, Fergie! Deal with it. Oh man this snowball has a spike made of ice on it. That’s gonna be a good one.”
Ferguson stops. “I thought you told me snowballing meant something else. It’s the only reason I agreed to this, Alice.” He says this as an icy snowball smashes him in the face. Blood splatters into the snow. Alice bursts into laughter as Ferguson rolls in the snow in pain. She rushes to his squirming body.
“Look Fergie. I have to be prepared for 20 stars in this pyramid tournament at Carpe Noctem. I have NO idea other than the OCW Champion, baby PIC’ford is in this match. Big Boy Bifford could show up too. And me finally defeating him in this match could cause friction in our newly found BROmance. Or is it HOmance. Bro-HO-Mance. Eh? Not bad? But seriously, bud. Not just OCW stars. Anyone loser can show up in this wild match. One or two of the zillion Straders out there. A F’N Preston might pop in. One of those damn Duke’s. Another Bastard maybe. Who knows? I need to prepare for everyone and anyone. And if throwing snowballs at you isn’t the way to do that? I don’t know what the best plan is. I spent money to spend a few days up here in the snowy mountains. Because Antarctica isn’t warm. See. Smart. I’m always thinking. When Expendable Stallone had to face Dolph Diggler in Rocky 4: Fourth Blood, Fart Poo. Rambo defeated him in Russian winter weather! He grew a beard and pulled a tractor too…”
“Alice… you got everything wrong in those references. Do you even watch these movies?”
“Moo-vies?”
CHI-BANG!
A gunshot is heard from a distance. BAM The bullet nails a log next to them.
CHI-BANG!
Another log explodes from the shot.
“THESE LOGS ARE EXPLODING!!! DUCK FERGIE!!’
Alice grabs Ferguson’s body and hides behind him.
“Alice, i think someone is shooting at us… Look! Someone in those trees! He just jumped on a snowmobile and is coming our way.”
“What? Now who has seen way too many movies? It’s obvious the LOGS are just wired wrong.”
“Wired logs, Alice? Do you even hear yourself?”
“Of course I hear myself. It’s how ears work, dummy!”
CHI-BANG!
Another log explodes from gun fire. Alice grabs Ferguson by the collar and drags him across the snow.
On the snowmobile, Big T holds out his rifle firing in Alice’s direction. He speeds up as he can’t appear to spot Alice anymore.
SMASH!
Big T is hit in the head with an icy snowball. She swerves the snowmobile into the logs. Bleeding from his forehead, Big T lays in the snow looking for his gun. He looks up to see Alice holding the rifle down at him. Big T knowing Alice isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and has possibly killed someone in her past, he decides not to move.
Alice looking down. I know what you’re thinking, punk? Did you fire 3 shots or 4? Or was it 5? Or … 6? … 7 even?
BigT looks up What are you gonna do, Alice? Kill me? You need to remember what The Triple T is the future…
Alice racks the rifle and aims it at Big T’s head.
Alice looks confident. NO! You’re HISTORY! I want you to know that I am leaving Triple T agency. I am going on to bigger and better things. OCW Carpe Noctem. The great Illuminatus match. I am going for PIC’s OCW Championship. I am going to take on all 19 superstars. Defeat them. Aand take it all. I am going for it all bitches… and i want it all. And I want it now…
Ferguson leans in confused Are you quoting, Queen?
No…
Sounds about Queen-ish.
Alice looking pissed. “Well it isn’t…”
Big T interrupts “Just do it, Alice. Kill me like Ehud. Kill me like that Bobby kid on the backwoods… kill me, Alice. Do it!”
Alice racks the rifle again and puts it on his temple.
“Nah… I don't kill. I am too good to waste it on you. Sure… sure… I may have killed Ehud of Moab. But… Ehud’s death was an accident… so there for. I am innocent in every court room forever and ever and can’t go to prison… like, ever…”
Big T looks confused. It doesn’t work that way…
Ferguson nods. Yea, you’d get at least manslaughter or something….
Big T agrees. “Yeah, Something…
BLAMO!
Alice shoots the rifle in the air and aims it back at Big T.
“That may be… but the fact is… if I am going down as a murderer. It will be AFTER the Great Illumantus. Because nothing is going to stop me from going to Antarctica. Nothing is going to stop me from wrestling in that pyramid and winning me the OCW championship. Nothing… YOU HEAR ME!!?!? DO YOU HEAR ME PIECES OF SHITS?!?!?”
Big T and Ferguson both raise their hands in the air in fear as Alice swings the rifle around at each of them.
Ferguson approaches Alice. “Fine, Alice. Fine. Put the gun down…”
“ I will when I am good and ready, you shit head! Here…”
Alice spins the gun around and reaches out her hand for Big T. He grabs it and she helps him to his feet. Ferguson and Alice both being wiping snow off of Big T’s back… to a point where its tiresome. Big T angrily stops them from doing anymore.
Big T looks concerned. “Enough! ENOUGH!... Ok. So I didn’t kill you. But..”
Ferguson Looks confused. “But what?”
Alice chims in But what? BIG BUTTS!!!
Alice and Ferguson share a laugh. Big T stops them.
“The but? It’s just that, I told Triple T agency to leak your death to CNN!”
Alice looks shocked “Cool Norwegian Necklaces? What do they have to do with this?”
Big T and Ferguson sigh.
The Cable News Network… i leaked them your death. Should be breaking right… about… now…
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS!
Cuts to Wolf Blitzer in the CNN studios.
“Alice Knight… dead at the age of 21 and… wait. That can't be right. She’s cute and all but she’s aging like a burnt tire is she not? What? TOo soon? Up next. Avatar 3? Are you excited? My pants full of boner says ‘yes, we ALL are’ and… wait… this just in… we got a LIVE phone call from… wait… is it… the one and only… the greatest of all time… director of Avatar 1 and 2 and True Lies… Alice Knight! ARE YOU OK??”
“Um, it’s actually Alice Knight the wrestler NOT the film director…”
Wolf askes for the director to cut the live feed.
“WAIT! I just want to point out that I am still alive and well. Not dead. Not a gun shot. Not a bludgeon rock to the head. I am breathing. No wounds and well. And this 21 year young wrestling veteran is going to great Illuamntus to win me my second OCW Championship. If it’s the last thing I ever do. “
Wolf looks confused “You’re not using CNN. The cables news network no way affiliated with Cool Norwegian Necklaces, to waste our time with a lame wrestling promo are you???”
Alice laughs “Never… but at Carpe Noctem 2 I will enter the pyramid a long shot but leave it at the tippity top of it as the NEW OCW Champion. Believe that! And if you do not ‘believe that’ then believe this… I am a OCW tag team champion. I am an OCW Hall of Famer. And on February 12th I will be the TWO TIME OCW Champion…”
Wolf nods “And… if we still dont believe THAT?”
Alice's phone goes quiet. She returns in a Chinesse accent. “OH! CHINESE FOOD IS ‘ERE!!!! WHO ORDERED PORK!!!?!?!? Um, sorry, Chinese food is here. Gotta go…”
Cut to Alice hanging up the landline phone as she turns to BIG T and Ferguson who watch her anxiously around a fireplace at the cabin.
Alice laughs “THAT… WAS A CLOSE ONE, DUDES!”
Ferguson and Big T laugh as Alice joins them in a group hug.
“Why are we friends all of a sudden?” Ferguson says as a tear rolls down his face.
“I know it’s weird.” Alice says as she squeezes them closer to herself.
It zooms to a chair in front of the fireplace. A man drinking a bourbon. It turns out to be none other than actor Tim Allen in a winter turtleneck sweater. He watches the trio hug another.
“All well that ends well. What a start, huh? The sad and tragic idea of Alice Knight being dead? Very sad. Then… her talking to Big Bifford’s machine. Why does he ignore her? Crazy. Something fishy about that Triple T agency, huh? The obscure training in the snow for Alice and Ferguson and the murder assassination attempt on Alice Knight from the Triple T brute, Big ? And what about that ending where they all become friends after confronting the shady news efforts of CNN, a national… even the world wide news network… wow! Huh…
Tim Allen takes a sip of his drink.
“What a horrible… horrible way to end this promo. So stupid. If we’re lucky this will be the last OCW Alice Knight promoe for a long time. Thanks for trying, Alice. But… do better next time…. But hey! What do I know? I am just legendary actor, Tim Allen… ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!”
Tim finishes off his drink and stands up to reveal his bare ass as he watches Alice, Ferguson and Big T hug in the reflection.
FIN.
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS!
“Ladies and gentlemen I am Wolf Blitzer, aka The Wolfman B, aka The BlitzWolf 2000, aka the coolest and bestest CNN anchorman EVER. And I am here with breaking news this evening. Beloved professional wrestler and chunky mustard founder Alice Knight… has died. Her disgustingly obese body was found at Vail Colorado Ski Resort over the weekend. Rumor has it she was training for an upcoming Online Championship Wrestling pyramid type match and accidentally bludgeoned her own head on a giant rock during her workout routine. Not much more information at this time but this isn’t speculation or rumor. This is CNN, bitches. So it’s 100% accurate. This is not presumption. This is truth. It's a fact, yo! Alice Knight… dead at the age of 21 and… wait. That can't be right. She’s cute and all but she’s aging like a burnt tire is she not? What? TOo soon? Up next. Avatar 3? Are you excited? My pants full of boner says ‘yes, we ALL are’.
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS
January 31st 2023
TWO DAYS EARLIER
We open on a shot of Alice Knight in her pajamas. Walking around her home in California, she punches in a few numbers into her phone. It tings as she bends down looking at her recently won OCW Tag Team Championship belt. Noticing a smudge she wipes it clean using her sleeve until clean. Nodding she continues to wait until the ringing comes to a voice mail.
“YOU’VE REACHED THE BIG BIFFORD!”
Alice sighs as she waits for the voice mail message to finish.BEEP.
“Biff’... it’s Alice… again. Yep your tag team champion partner! Been trying to get a hold of you for the last 20 minutes. Probably my 10th time calling you… 17th to be exact. I know how you prefer accuracy. A lesser friend and partner MIGHT THINK you were ignoring me. But that’s doubtful. I mean we OWNED those bastards, am I right? Look… I know you don’t want in this dynamic duo called you and me. But buddy it’s happening. You can even be Batman to my Robin. This is Lethal Weapon? Guess what, bud? You’re Riggs and I am Danny Glover. And even if this is the 80s movie TWINS!?! You’re Arnold and guess who i am? Yep.. I am also Arnold. Because I think that’s how the movie plays out. Never seen it. Maybe we can watch it some time together…”
Alice checks the time.
“... wow. This message must feel longer then the last 19 I sent ya. But look. NO. RUSH. Getting back to me. I know you’re busy… me too. I just wanted to know, since we’re like totally BFFs now, being OCW Tag Team Champs, we NEVER have to worry about pinning each other ever again. You beat me most of the time? Maybe? 2 out 3 falls? Sure you got TWO but I DID get the last pin fall which is what people kind of remember but that’s all moot now. Never have to talk about that again. Buuuut… I was wondering, are you in the Illumantus pyramid match at Carpe Noctem? I know it’s a secret… and… I am TOTALLY not in it. But… if you wanted to tell me you are you totally could. I won’t tell a soul. Promise! Anyway take care… Also, did I leave my lacy bra in Earl’s car? If I did, I can pick it up anytime. Take care, PARTNER! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice swipes the phone off and puts it down and picks up her OCW Tag Team Championship. Draping it over her shoulder she checks herself out in the mirror.
“Hi there, gorgeous. Aren’t you a purdy one… and the woman is pretty nice too. Come here often? You do… how about you take them pants off and you and I get down and dirty. Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me… NOW TAKE THEM PANTS OFF YOU FILTHY BITCH! DO IT!!”
Alice bites her bottom lip and rushes to untie her pants and tear them off but before she does this her doorbell ringing is heard. Owlie, in her cage, begins flipping out running Alice’s ‘alone time’.
Alice rushes to the front door, stomping her feet while doing so. Owlie still flipping out as she passes. Alice doesn’t help the animal as she shakes the cage in anger. This makes Owlie shriek and flap its wings harder. Alice sticks her tongue at the bird before finally opening the door.
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, DUDE?
Alice runs into a large suited mans chest. It is Big T. Her newly signed TRIPLE T agency's bodyguard they assigned to her. She stands out silently and points to the black limo parked in Alice’s drive way.
“Nice ride, T! Who you driving around? Tim Allen? ARGH ARGH ARGHHHHH!! Haha”
Alice makes Tim Allen grunts as she laughs. Big T doesn’t laugh and motions to his wrist to hurry up.
“Oh… right. That’s for me. I forgot. Let me get dressed up and I will be out in a minute or two… Or… TEN! HA!”
Alice slams the door in Big T’s face. T sighs before cracking his large neck and fixing his suit. Alice peaks through the door hole watching Big T walk back to the limo trying to keep in her laughter.
“Oh my God. What a putz. You know who likes stories about putz’s? THE BIG BIFFORD! I should call him and tell him about it before I forget!”
Alice rushes back to her room to her phone.
45 MINUTES LATER AT TRIPLE T TALENT AGENCY
“Alice, Alice, Alice. You need to WORK with us here, lady. We. Are. Here. For. YOU!”
Triple T talent agent and founder, Tony Plummer says this as he looks out of his boardroom office window looking over the downtown area. Alice sits behind him diggingher hands in the bowl of hard candies. She appears to not be able to find the flavor she is looking for. She picks up the bowl and pours it on the table making lots of noise and a mess. The noise makes Tony turn around. He watches Alice dig through the candy. He shakes his head sighing as Big T watches on quietly.
“I forget which flavor I had last time. It was really good. Very minty. Buuuuuuut not TOO minty, ya know?”
“ALICE!!”
Alice stops digging through the candies and looks up surprised by Tony’s outburst.
“Alice… dear. They’re all mints. They’re all the same color. White. White mints. Just. Take. One.”
Alice holds her hands up in alert and mouths the word ‘WOW!’ to Big T. He doesn’t react. She finally takes a mint and tosses it into her mouth.
“Ok, Alice we…”
“This is the flavor I had last time by the way… though i think the one i had last time was Blue. Pretty sure it was blue…” Alice interrupts.
“It… wasn’t, Miss Knight. It’s the same WHITE mints we always share to our guests and clients. Ok?”
Alice nods. Tony goes to speak again but Alice jumps in.
“I remember it being a blue-ish, though!”
“IT WASN’T! It… hmm… “ He fixes his shirt. “It was white. Trust me. A white mint.”
Alice looks at Big T again with another ‘WOW’ look on her face.
“So Alice. We know you wrestled that Kraken match at Decadence. When we specifically asked you NOT to do these vicious hardcore matches anymore. Under our agency, you must be on your best behavior. We want young girls AND boys… and the transgender ones who don’t know what they are yet. We want all them to LOVE the Owlis! Alice Knight! Hut! Hut! Hut!!”
Alice looks at her agent confused as someone leans into Tony’s ear. He nods.
“Sorry… HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice smiles understanding now. She looks at Big T quietly mouthing “HOOT” to him as she points to herself. He doesn’t react.
“We get that you and the Big Buffalo won the OCW Tag Team Championships at this event. But the OCW image just isn’t the right fit for you right now Alice. We were looking into other wrestling organizations. Like what about WGWF? They recently had Photobucket as a sponsor. The logo was on everything. Or… or… ACTION WRESTLING! Yeah! I like Action! Plus it’s generic and no risk of getting anymore attention. It’s as intriguing as flies screwing on a pile of doo turds. WHich is a bonus for us because you can be at the top of that place in a matter of months with your talent and charm. It’s best for business and best for us, Miss Knight. Now I heard you might be going in this pyramid match at the next OCW event? No, no, no. We can’t have that. Should I give Action Wrestling a call? Right now? I have the Gravedigger on speed dial… HUT! HUT! HUT!”
Alice looks confused. Again the assistant leans into Tony’s ear.
“Um… HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
Alice nods once again, understanding. She looks up at Big T and points to herself and mouthing the word HOOT at him once more. He doesn’t react… again.
“SO what do you say HOOT Queen?”
Alice stands up from her chair. She glares at Tony who smirks back at her.
“Listen, guy! I am not going to Action Wrestling! I am not going to W.G.W.F. You can throw any of these lame wrestling company’s at me. CULTS. Boardwalks! Fights! Hell even a major pay day at XWF SnowBall! Which is a sexual term for when you spit a guy's delicious semen INTO his mouth for him to swallow! Ya… that’s what transgender kids wanna google when they hear about XWF SNOW BALLS!!! Huh? HUHHHHH?”
“Um… I believe its XWF Snow Job… I don’t know what you are referring to, Alice…”
“It’s… um… it’s a sexual thing I read about… it’s… whatever! Doesn’t matter! What I am saying is I am an OCW Lifer. Sure management has been a roller coaster ride from Presidents Dean’s to Mikey Zybala’s to Marcus Welsh’s to Thad Dukes, Straders and now Goldy-Locks. It’s kind of confusing. But OCW is where the history is. Where you either make it or you don’t. And sure some say I already have done enough to step away. Hall of Famer. OCW Champion. Best friends with The Big BIFFORD. Bifford by the way, not Buffalo. Bifford you dummy’s. I am an OCW Tag Team Champion. And come Carpe Noctem 2… I am going to finally win my second OCW Championship when I go through the Great Illuminatus pyramid tournament and then defeat Randal ‘PIC’ Floyd to become the NEW TWO TIME OCW CHAMPION! It’s gonna be great… So if that means I have to LEAVE THE TRIPLE T AGENCY! Then guess what…?”
“You will leave, huh?”
“I WILL LEAVE AND… wait… yeah… don’t jump in, dude. I’m like giving my Oscar speech here. Don’t be the music cue cutting me off from rambling. I still didn’t even thank my family yet… BAH! The moments lost… where was I, again?”
“You thought you were leaving…? Well you’re not, Alice. No one just leaves the TRIPLE T talent agency. Some have tried. But it’s not that simple. Don’t be a buffoon, Alice. Buffoons make drastic mistakes. You’re not a buffoon are you, Alice?”
Alice laughs. “WOULD A ‘BALLOON’ DO THIS!?!?” She begins flicking some of the mints from the table at agents in the boardroom. Missing everyone. Tony turns around looking back out the window ignoring her as flicked mints hit his back.
“Exactly! Now if you excuse me. This so called BALLOON is FLOATING to Colorado for training. I have a huge CARPE NOCTEM PYRAMID MATCH in ANTARCTICA! Maybe you can check it out! And then TRY your best to POP this sexy BALLOON some other time. PEACE! HOOT!… HOOT!... HOOT!”
Alice scoops a handful of mints into her pants pockets and storms out of the board room. Tony makes a villainous smug look as he looks down at a bulletin board.
“Big mistake Miss Knight. Some have tried to leave TRIPLE T. Stars like Lisa Marie Pressly. Ray Liotta. David Crosby. The Green Power Ranger… and now you. Big mistake indeed. Big T!”
Big T walks up behind him cracking his nech as he does.
“Finish her. And make it look like an accident.”
“Yes sir..” T finally speaks as he walks out of the board room. Tony begins laughing menacingly. “HAHAHAHAAHH…” He stops and looks at the board again. “I did say BUFFOON, not BALLOON, right?” They all grunt YES as he nods looking at Alice’s photo on the ‘CLIENTS TO KILL” board.
February 2nd 2023
VAIL, COLORADO SKI RESORT!
“Alice… why can’t we go skiing?”
Alice’s homeless friend-slash-slave Ferguson says this on a wintery hill. He is dodging snowballs being thrown a him.
“Why do you have to keep throwing snow at me? Shouldn’t I be the one doing that to you? Since you’re the one in the Illumantus match? This doesn’t seem fair to me…”
Alice laughs as she hoses down her snowballs with cold water.
“Sometimes life isn’t fair, Fergie! Deal with it. Oh man this snowball has a spike made of ice on it. That’s gonna be a good one.”
Ferguson stops. “I thought you told me snowballing meant something else. It’s the only reason I agreed to this, Alice.” He says this as an icy snowball smashes him in the face. Blood splatters into the snow. Alice bursts into laughter as Ferguson rolls in the snow in pain. She rushes to his squirming body.
“Look Fergie. I have to be prepared for 20 stars in this pyramid tournament at Carpe Noctem. I have NO idea other than the OCW Champion, baby PIC’ford is in this match. Big Boy Bifford could show up too. And me finally defeating him in this match could cause friction in our newly found BROmance. Or is it HOmance. Bro-HO-Mance. Eh? Not bad? But seriously, bud. Not just OCW stars. Anyone loser can show up in this wild match. One or two of the zillion Straders out there. A F’N Preston might pop in. One of those damn Duke’s. Another Bastard maybe. Who knows? I need to prepare for everyone and anyone. And if throwing snowballs at you isn’t the way to do that? I don’t know what the best plan is. I spent money to spend a few days up here in the snowy mountains. Because Antarctica isn’t warm. See. Smart. I’m always thinking. When Expendable Stallone had to face Dolph Diggler in Rocky 4: Fourth Blood, Fart Poo. Rambo defeated him in Russian winter weather! He grew a beard and pulled a tractor too…”
“Alice… you got everything wrong in those references. Do you even watch these movies?”
“Moo-vies?”
CHI-BANG!
A gunshot is heard from a distance. BAM The bullet nails a log next to them.
CHI-BANG!
Another log explodes from the shot.
“THESE LOGS ARE EXPLODING!!! DUCK FERGIE!!’
Alice grabs Ferguson’s body and hides behind him.
“Alice, i think someone is shooting at us… Look! Someone in those trees! He just jumped on a snowmobile and is coming our way.”
“What? Now who has seen way too many movies? It’s obvious the LOGS are just wired wrong.”
“Wired logs, Alice? Do you even hear yourself?”
“Of course I hear myself. It’s how ears work, dummy!”
CHI-BANG!
Another log explodes from gun fire. Alice grabs Ferguson by the collar and drags him across the snow.
On the snowmobile, Big T holds out his rifle firing in Alice’s direction. He speeds up as he can’t appear to spot Alice anymore.
SMASH!
Big T is hit in the head with an icy snowball. She swerves the snowmobile into the logs. Bleeding from his forehead, Big T lays in the snow looking for his gun. He looks up to see Alice holding the rifle down at him. Big T knowing Alice isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and has possibly killed someone in her past, he decides not to move.
Alice looking down. I know what you’re thinking, punk? Did you fire 3 shots or 4? Or was it 5? Or … 6? … 7 even?
BigT looks up What are you gonna do, Alice? Kill me? You need to remember what The Triple T is the future…
Alice racks the rifle and aims it at Big T’s head.
Alice looks confident. NO! You’re HISTORY! I want you to know that I am leaving Triple T agency. I am going on to bigger and better things. OCW Carpe Noctem. The great Illuminatus match. I am going for PIC’s OCW Championship. I am going to take on all 19 superstars. Defeat them. Aand take it all. I am going for it all bitches… and i want it all. And I want it now…
Ferguson leans in confused Are you quoting, Queen?
No…
Sounds about Queen-ish.
Alice looking pissed. “Well it isn’t…”
Big T interrupts “Just do it, Alice. Kill me like Ehud. Kill me like that Bobby kid on the backwoods… kill me, Alice. Do it!”
Alice racks the rifle again and puts it on his temple.
“Nah… I don't kill. I am too good to waste it on you. Sure… sure… I may have killed Ehud of Moab. But… Ehud’s death was an accident… so there for. I am innocent in every court room forever and ever and can’t go to prison… like, ever…”
Big T looks confused. It doesn’t work that way…
Ferguson nods. Yea, you’d get at least manslaughter or something….
Big T agrees. “Yeah, Something…
BLAMO!
Alice shoots the rifle in the air and aims it back at Big T.
“That may be… but the fact is… if I am going down as a murderer. It will be AFTER the Great Illumantus. Because nothing is going to stop me from going to Antarctica. Nothing is going to stop me from wrestling in that pyramid and winning me the OCW championship. Nothing… YOU HEAR ME!!?!? DO YOU HEAR ME PIECES OF SHITS?!?!?”
Big T and Ferguson both raise their hands in the air in fear as Alice swings the rifle around at each of them.
Ferguson approaches Alice. “Fine, Alice. Fine. Put the gun down…”
“ I will when I am good and ready, you shit head! Here…”
Alice spins the gun around and reaches out her hand for Big T. He grabs it and she helps him to his feet. Ferguson and Alice both being wiping snow off of Big T’s back… to a point where its tiresome. Big T angrily stops them from doing anymore.
Big T looks concerned. “Enough! ENOUGH!... Ok. So I didn’t kill you. But..”
Ferguson Looks confused. “But what?”
Alice chims in But what? BIG BUTTS!!!
Alice and Ferguson share a laugh. Big T stops them.
“The but? It’s just that, I told Triple T agency to leak your death to CNN!”
Alice looks shocked “Cool Norwegian Necklaces? What do they have to do with this?”
Big T and Ferguson sigh.
The Cable News Network… i leaked them your death. Should be breaking right… about… now…
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS!
Cuts to Wolf Blitzer in the CNN studios.
“Alice Knight… dead at the age of 21 and… wait. That can't be right. She’s cute and all but she’s aging like a burnt tire is she not? What? TOo soon? Up next. Avatar 3? Are you excited? My pants full of boner says ‘yes, we ALL are’ and… wait… this just in… we got a LIVE phone call from… wait… is it… the one and only… the greatest of all time… director of Avatar 1 and 2 and True Lies… Alice Knight! ARE YOU OK??”
“Um, it’s actually Alice Knight the wrestler NOT the film director…”
Wolf askes for the director to cut the live feed.
“WAIT! I just want to point out that I am still alive and well. Not dead. Not a gun shot. Not a bludgeon rock to the head. I am breathing. No wounds and well. And this 21 year young wrestling veteran is going to great Illuamntus to win me my second OCW Championship. If it’s the last thing I ever do. “
Wolf looks confused “You’re not using CNN. The cables news network no way affiliated with Cool Norwegian Necklaces, to waste our time with a lame wrestling promo are you???”
Alice laughs “Never… but at Carpe Noctem 2 I will enter the pyramid a long shot but leave it at the tippity top of it as the NEW OCW Champion. Believe that! And if you do not ‘believe that’ then believe this… I am a OCW tag team champion. I am an OCW Hall of Famer. And on February 12th I will be the TWO TIME OCW Champion…”
Wolf nods “And… if we still dont believe THAT?”
Alice's phone goes quiet. She returns in a Chinesse accent. “OH! CHINESE FOOD IS ‘ERE!!!! WHO ORDERED PORK!!!?!?!? Um, sorry, Chinese food is here. Gotta go…”
Cut to Alice hanging up the landline phone as she turns to BIG T and Ferguson who watch her anxiously around a fireplace at the cabin.
Alice laughs “THAT… WAS A CLOSE ONE, DUDES!”
Ferguson and Big T laugh as Alice joins them in a group hug.
“Why are we friends all of a sudden?” Ferguson says as a tear rolls down his face.
“I know it’s weird.” Alice says as she squeezes them closer to herself.
It zooms to a chair in front of the fireplace. A man drinking a bourbon. It turns out to be none other than actor Tim Allen in a winter turtleneck sweater. He watches the trio hug another.
“All well that ends well. What a start, huh? The sad and tragic idea of Alice Knight being dead? Very sad. Then… her talking to Big Bifford’s machine. Why does he ignore her? Crazy. Something fishy about that Triple T agency, huh? The obscure training in the snow for Alice and Ferguson and the murder assassination attempt on Alice Knight from the Triple T brute, Big ? And what about that ending where they all become friends after confronting the shady news efforts of CNN, a national… even the world wide news network… wow! Huh…
Tim Allen takes a sip of his drink.
“What a horrible… horrible way to end this promo. So stupid. If we’re lucky this will be the last OCW Alice Knight promoe for a long time. Thanks for trying, Alice. But… do better next time…. But hey! What do I know? I am just legendary actor, Tim Allen… ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!”
Tim finishes off his drink and stands up to reveal his bare ass as he watches Alice, Ferguson and Big T hug in the reflection.
FIN.
[b][font size="3"]February 2nd 2023
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS!
[/font][/b]
[div style="text-align:center;"][img style="font-size:11pt;max-width:100%;" alt="" src="https://i.postimg.cc/25RPCqzb/ezgif-4-afb91b040c.gif"][/div]
[font color="#e61919"]“Ladies and gentlemen I am Wolf Blitzer, aka The Wolfman B, aka The BlitzWolf 2000, aka the coolest and bestest CNN anchorman EVER. And I am here with breaking news this evening. Beloved professional wrestler and chunky mustard founder Alice Knight… has died. Her disgustingly obese body was found at Vail Colorado Ski Resort over the weekend. Rumor has it she was training for an upcoming Online Championship Wrestling pyramid type match and accidentally bludgeoned her own head on a giant rock during her workout routine. Not much more information at this time but this isn’t speculation or rumor. This is CNN, bitches. So it’s 100% accurate. This is not presumption. This is truth. It's a fact, yo! Alice Knight… dead at the age of 21 and… wait. That can't be right. She’s cute and all but she’s aging like a burnt tire is she not? What? TOo soon? Up next. Avatar 3? Are you excited? My pants full of boner says ‘yes, we ALL are’.
[/font]
THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS
[b][font size="4"]January 31st 2023
TWO DAYS EARLIER
[/font][/b]
[b]We open on a shot of Alice Knight in her pajamas. Walking around her home in California, she punches in a few numbers into her phone. It tings as she bends down looking at her recently won OCW Tag Team Championship belt. Noticing a smudge she wipes it clean using her sleeve until clean. Nodding she continues to wait until the ringing comes to a voice mail.
[/b]
[font color="#e6c319"]“YOU’VE REACHED THE BIG BIFFORD!”
[/font]
Alice sighs as she waits for the voice mail message to finish.BEEP.
[font color="#196de6"]“Biff’... it’s Alice… again. Yep your tag team champion partner! Been trying to get a hold of you for the last 20 minutes. Probably my 10th time calling you… 17th to be exact. I know how you prefer accuracy. A lesser friend and partner MIGHT THINK you were ignoring me. But that’s doubtful. I mean we OWNED those bastards, am I right? Look… I know you don’t want in this dynamic duo called you and me. But buddy it’s happening. You can even be Batman to my Robin. This is Lethal Weapon? Guess what, bud? You’re Riggs and I am Danny Glover. And even if this is the 80s movie TWINS!?! You’re Arnold and guess who i am? Yep.. I am also Arnold. Because I think that’s how the movie plays out. Never seen it. Maybe we can watch it some time together…”
[/font]
Alice checks the time.
[font color="#196de6"]“... wow. This message must feel longer then the last 19 I sent ya. But look. NO. RUSH. Getting back to me. I know you’re busy… me too. I just wanted to know, since we’re like totally BFFs now, being OCW Tag Team Champs, we NEVER have to worry about pinning each other ever again. You beat me most of the time? Maybe? 2 out 3 falls? Sure you got TWO but I DID get the last pin fall which is what people kind of remember but that’s all moot now. Never have to talk about that again. Buuuut… I was wondering, are you in the Illumantus pyramid match at Carpe Noctem? I know it’s a secret… and… I am TOTALLY not in it. But… if you wanted to tell me you are you totally could. I won’t tell a soul. Promise! Anyway take care… Also, did I leave my lacy bra in Earl’s car? If I did, I can pick it up anytime. Take care, PARTNER! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
[/font]
[b]Alice swipes the phone off and puts it down and picks up her OCW Tag Team Championship. Draping it over her shoulder she checks herself out in the mirror.
[/b]
[font color="#196de6"]“Hi there, gorgeous. Aren’t you a purdy one… and the woman is pretty nice too. Come here often? You do… how about you take them pants off and you and I get down and dirty. Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me… NOW TAKE THEM PANTS OFF YOU FILTHY BITCH! DO IT!!”
[/font]
[b]Alice bites her bottom lip and rushes to untie her pants and tear them off but before she does this her doorbell ringing is heard. Owlie, in her cage, begins flipping out running Alice’s ‘alone time’.
Alice rushes to the front door, stomping her feet while doing so. Owlie still flipping out as she passes. Alice doesn’t help the animal as she shakes the cage in anger. This makes Owlie shriek and flap its wings harder. Alice sticks her tongue at the bird before finally opening the door.
[/b]
[font color="#196de6"]“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, DUDE?
[/font]
[b]Alice runs into a large suited mans chest. It is Big T. Her newly signed TRIPLE T agency's bodyguard they assigned to her. She stands out silently and points to the black limo parked in Alice’s drive way.
[/b]
[font color="#196de6"]“Nice ride, T! Who you driving around? Tim Allen? ARGH ARGH ARGHHHHH!! Haha”
[/font]
Alice makes Tim Allen grunts as she laughs. Big T doesn’t laugh and motions to his wrist to hurry up.
[font color="#196de6"]“Oh… right. That’s for me. I forgot. Let me get dressed up and I will be out in a minute or two… Or… TEN! HA!”
[/font]
Alice slams the door in Big T’s face. T sighs before cracking his large neck and fixing his suit. Alice peaks through the door hole watching Big T walk back to the limo trying to keep in her laughter.
[font color="#196de6"]“Oh my God. What a putz. You know who likes stories about putz’s? THE BIG BIFFORD! I should call him and tell him about it before I forget!”
[div style="text-align:center;"][img src="https://i.postimg.cc/ZnMM2n7q/ezgif-4-883c76dc29.gif" alt="" style="color:rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:11pt;max-width:100%;"][/div][/font]
Alice rushes back to her room to her phone.
[font size="4"][b][u]45 MINUTES LATER AT TRIPLE T TALENT AGENCY
[/u][/b][/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“Alice, Alice, Alice. You need to WORK with us here, lady. We. Are. Here. For. YOU!”
[/font]
[b]Triple T talent agent and founder, Tony Plummer says this as he looks out of his boardroom office window looking over the downtown area. Alice sits behind him diggingher hands in the bowl of hard candies. She appears to not be able to find the flavor she is looking for. She picks up the bowl and pours it on the table making lots of noise and a mess. The noise makes Tony turn around. He watches Alice dig through the candy. He shakes his head sighing as Big T watches on quietly.
[/b]
[font color="#196de6"]“I forget which flavor I had last time. It was really good. Very minty. Buuuuuuut not TOO minty, ya know?”
[/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“ALICE!!”
[/font]
Alice stops digging through the candies and looks up surprised by Tony’s outburst.
[font color="#55e619"]“Alice… dear. They’re all mints. They’re all the same color. White. White mints. Just. Take. One.”
[/font]
Alice holds her hands up in alert and mouths the word ‘WOW!’ to Big T. He doesn’t react. She finally takes a mint and tosses it into her mouth.
[font color="#55e619"]“Ok, Alice we…”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“This is the flavor I had last time by the way… though i think the one i had last time was Blue. Pretty sure it was blue…” Alice interrupts.
[/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“It… wasn’t, Miss Knight. It’s the same WHITE mints we always share to our guests and clients. Ok?”
[/font]
Alice nods. Tony goes to speak again but Alice jumps in.
[font color="#196de6"]“I remember it being a blue-ish, though!”
[/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“IT WASN’T! It… hmm… “ [/font]He fixes his shirt. [font color="#55e619"]“It was white. Trust me. A white mint.”
[/font]
Alice looks at Big T again with another ‘[font color="#196de6"]WOW[/font]’ look on her face.
[font color="#55e619"]“So Alice. We know you wrestled that Kraken match at Decadence. When we specifically asked you NOT to do these vicious hardcore matches anymore. Under our agency, you must be on your best behavior. We want young girls AND boys… and the transgender ones who don’t know what they are yet. We want all them to LOVE the Owlis! Alice Knight! Hut! Hut! Hut!!”
[/font]
Alice looks at her agent confused as someone leans into Tony’s ear. He nods.
[font color="#55e619"]“Sorry… HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
[/font]
Alice smiles understanding now. She looks at Big T quietly mouthing “[font color="#196de6"]HOOT[/font]” to him as she points to herself. He doesn’t react.
[font color="#55e619"]“We get that you and the Big Buffalo won the OCW Tag Team Championships at this event. But the OCW image just isn’t the right fit for you right now Alice. We were looking into other wrestling organizations. Like what about WGWF? They recently had Photobucket as a sponsor. The logo was on everything. Or… or… ACTION WRESTLING! Yeah! I like Action! Plus it’s generic and no risk of getting anymore attention. It’s as intriguing as flies screwing on a pile of doo turds. WHich is a bonus for us because you can be at the top of that place in a matter of months with your talent and charm. It’s best for business and best for us, Miss Knight. Now I heard you might be going in this pyramid match at the next OCW event? No, no, no. We can’t have that. Should I give Action Wrestling a call? Right now? I have the Gravedigger on speed dial… HUT! HUT! HUT!”
[/font]
Alice looks confused. Again the assistant leans into Tony’s ear.
[font color="#55e619"]“Um… HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”
[/font]
Alice nods once again, understanding. She looks up at Big T and points to herself and mouthing the word HOOT at him once more. He doesn’t react… again.
[font color="#55e619"]“SO what do you say HOOT Queen?”
[/font]
Alice stands up from her chair. She glares at Tony who smirks back at her.
[font color="#196de6"]“Listen, guy! I am not going to Action Wrestling! I am not going to W.G.W.F. You can throw any of these lame wrestling company’s at me. CULTS. Boardwalks! Fights! Hell even a major pay day at XWF SnowBall! Which is a sexual term for when you spit a guy's delicious semen INTO his mouth for him to swallow! Ya… that’s what transgender kids wanna google when they hear about XWF SNOW BALLS!!! Huh? HUHHHHH?”
[/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“Um… I believe its XWF Snow Job… I don’t know what you are referring to, Alice…”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“It’s… um… it’s a sexual thing I read about… it’s… whatever! Doesn’t matter! What I am saying is I am an OCW Lifer. Sure management has been a roller coaster ride from Presidents Dean’s to Mikey Zybala’s to Marcus Welsh’s to Thad Dukes, Straders and now Goldy-Locks. It’s kind of confusing. But OCW is where the history is. Where you either make it or you don’t. And sure some say I already have done enough to step away. Hall of Famer. OCW Champion. Best friends with The Big BIFFORD. Bifford by the way, not Buffalo. Bifford you dummy’s. I am an OCW Tag Team Champion. And come Carpe Noctem 2… I am going to finally win my second OCW Championship when I go through the Great Illuminatus pyramid tournament and then defeat Randal ‘PIC’ Floyd to become the NEW TWO TIME OCW CHAMPION! It’s gonna be great… So if that means I have to LEAVE THE TRIPLE T AGENCY! Then guess what…?”
[/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“You will leave, huh?”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“I WILL LEAVE AND… wait… yeah… don’t jump in, dude. I’m like giving my Oscar speech here. Don’t be the music cue cutting me off from rambling. I still didn’t even thank my family yet… BAH! The moments lost… where was I, again?”
[/font]
[font color="#55e619"]“You thought you were leaving…? Well you’re not, Alice. No one just leaves the TRIPLE T talent agency. Some have tried. But it’s not that simple. Don’t be a buffoon, Alice. Buffoons make drastic mistakes. You’re not a buffoon are you, Alice?”
[/font]
Alice laughs.[font color="#196de6"] “WOULD A ‘BALLOON’ DO THIS!?!?”[/font] She begins flicking some of the mints from the table at agents in the boardroom. Missing everyone. Tony turns around looking back out the window ignoring her as flicked mints hit his back.
[font color="#196de6"]“Exactly! Now if you excuse me. This so called BALLOON is FLOATING to Colorado for training. I have a huge CARPE NOCTEM PYRAMID MATCH in ANTARCTICA! Maybe you can check it out! And then TRY your best to POP this sexy BALLOON some other time. PEACE! HOOT!… HOOT!... HOOT!”
[/font]
Alice scoops a handful of mints into her pants pockets and storms out of the board room. Tony makes a villainous smug look as he looks down at a bulletin board.
[font color="#55e619"]“Big mistake Miss Knight. Some have tried to leave TRIPLE T. Stars like Lisa Marie Pressly. Ray Liotta. David Crosby. The Green Power Ranger… and now you. Big mistake indeed. Big T!”
[/font]
Big T walks up behind him cracking his nech as he does.
[font color="#55e619"]“Finish her. And make it look like an accident.”
[/font]
[font color="#e367d5"]“Yes sir..” [/font]T finally speaks as he walks out of the board room. Tony begins laughing menacingly. “[font color="#55e619"]HAHAHAHAAHH[/font]…” He stops and looks at the board again. [font color="#55e619"]“I did say BUFFOON, not BALLOON, right?”[/font] They all grunt YES as he nods looking at Alice’s photo on the ‘CLIENTS TO KILL” board.
[div style="text-align:center;"][img style="font-size:11pt;max-width:100%;" src="https://i.postimg.cc/m2nv6XJS/ezgif-4-f70f01052d.gif" alt=""][/div]
[b][font size="4"]February 2nd 2023
VAIL, COLORADO SKI RESORT!
[/font][/b]
[font color="#03d799"]“Alice… why can’t we go skiing?”
[/font]
Alice’s homeless friend-slash-slave Ferguson says this on a wintery hill. He is dodging snowballs being thrown a him.
[font color="#03d799"]“Why do you have to keep throwing snow at me? Shouldn’t I be the one doing that to you? Since you’re the one in the Illumantus match? This doesn’t seem fair to me…”
[/font]
Alice laughs as she hoses down her snowballs with cold water.
[font color="#196de6"]“Sometimes life isn’t fair, Fergie! Deal with it. Oh man this snowball has a spike made of ice on it. That’s gonna be a good one.”
[/font]
Ferguson stops. [font color="#03d799"]“I thought you told me snowballing meant something else. It’s the only reason I agreed to this, Alice.”[/font] He says this as an icy snowball smashes him in the face. Blood splatters into the snow. Alice bursts into laughter as Ferguson rolls in the snow in pain. She rushes to his squirming body.
[font color="#196de6"]“Look Fergie. I have to be prepared for 20 stars in this pyramid tournament at Carpe Noctem. I have NO idea other than the OCW Champion, baby PIC’ford is in this match. Big Boy Bifford could show up too. And me finally defeating him in this match could cause friction in our newly found BROmance. Or is it HOmance. Bro-HO-Mance. Eh? Not bad? But seriously, bud. Not just OCW stars. Anyone loser can show up in this wild match. One or two of the zillion Straders out there. A F’N Preston might pop in. One of those damn Duke’s. Another Bastard maybe. Who knows? I need to prepare for everyone and anyone. And if throwing snowballs at you isn’t the way to do that? I don’t know what the best plan is. I spent money to spend a few days up here in the snowy mountains. Because Antarctica isn’t warm. See. Smart. I’m always thinking. When Expendable Stallone had to face Dolph Diggler in Rocky 4: Fourth Blood, Fart Poo. Rambo defeated him in Russian winter weather! He grew a beard and pulled a tractor too…”
[/font]
[font color="#03d799"]“Alice… you got everything wrong in those references. Do you even watch these movies?”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“Moo-vies?”
[/font]
[font size="5"]CHI-BANG!
[/font]
A gunshot is heard from a distance. BAM The bullet nails a log next to them.
[font size="5"]CHI-BANG!
[/font]
Another log explodes from the shot.
[font color="#196de6"]“THESE LOGS ARE EXPLODING!!! DUCK FERGIE!!’
[/font]
Alice grabs Ferguson’s body and hides behind him.
[font color="#03d799"]“Alice, i think someone is shooting at us… Look! Someone in those trees! He just jumped on a snowmobile and is coming our way.”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“What? Now who has seen way too many movies? It’s obvious the LOGS are just wired wrong.”
[/font]
[font color="#03d799"]“Wired logs, Alice? Do you even hear yourself?”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“Of course I hear myself. It’s how ears work, dummy!”
[/font]
[font size="5"]CHI-BANG!
[/font]
Another log explodes from gun fire. Alice grabs Ferguson by the collar and drags him across the snow.
On the snowmobile, Big T holds out his rifle firing in Alice’s direction. He speeds up as he can’t appear to spot Alice anymore.
[font size="5"]SMASH[/font]!
Big T is hit in the head with an icy snowball. She swerves the snowmobile into the logs. Bleeding from his forehead, Big T lays in the snow looking for his gun. He looks up to see Alice holding the rifle down at him. Big T knowing Alice isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and has possibly killed someone in her past, he decides not to move.
Alice looking down.[font color="#196de6"] I know what you’re thinking, punk? Did you fire 3 shots or 4? Or was it 5? Or … 6? … 7 even?
[/font]
BigT looks up[font color="#e367d5"] What are you gonna do, Alice? Kill me? You need to remember what The Triple T is the future…
[/font]
Alice racks the rifle and aims it at Big T’s head.
Alice looks confident. [font color="#196de6"]NO! You’re HISTORY! I want you to know that I am leaving Triple T agency. I am going on to bigger and better things. OCW Carpe Noctem. The great Illuminatus match. I am going for PIC’s OCW Championship. I am going to take on all 19 superstars. Defeat them. Aand take it all. I am going for it all bitches… and i want it all. And I want it now…
[/font]
Ferguson leans in confused [font color="#03d799"]Are you quoting, Queen?
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]No…
[/font]
[font color="#03d799"]Sounds about Queen-ish.
[/font]
Alice looking pissed. [font color="#196de6"]“Well it isn’t…”
[/font]
Big T interrupts “[font color="#e367d5"]Just do it, Alice. Kill me like Ehud. Kill me like that Bobby kid on the backwoods… kill me, Alice. Do it!”
[/font]
Alice racks the rifle again and puts it on his temple.
[font color="#196de6"]“Nah… I don't kill. I am too good to waste it on you. Sure… sure… I may have killed Ehud of Moab. But… Ehud’s death was an accident… so there for. I am innocent in every court room forever and ever and can’t go to prison… like, ever…”
[/font]
Big T looks confused. [font color="#e367d5"]It doesn’t work that way…
[/font]
Ferguson nods. [font color="#03d799"]Yea, you’d get at least manslaughter or something….
[/font]
Big T agrees. [font color="#e367d5"]“Yeah, Something…
[/font]
[font size="5"]BLAMO!
[/font]
Alice shoots the rifle in the air and aims it back at Big T.
[font color="#196de6"]“That may be… but the fact is… if I am going down as a murderer. It will be AFTER the Great Illumantus. Because nothing is going to stop me from going to Antarctica. Nothing is going to stop me from wrestling in that pyramid and winning me the OCW championship. Nothing… YOU HEAR ME!!?!? DO YOU HEAR ME PIECES OF SHITS?!?!?”
[/font]
Big T and Ferguson both raise their hands in the air in fear as Alice swings the rifle around at each of them.
Ferguson approaches Alice. [font color="#03d799"]“Fine, Alice. Fine. Put the gun down…”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“ I will when I am good and ready, you shit head! Here…”
[/font]
Alice spins the gun around and reaches out her hand for Big T. He grabs it and she helps him to his feet. Ferguson and Alice both being wiping snow off of Big T’s back… to a point where its tiresome. Big T angrily stops them from doing anymore.
Big T looks concerned. [font color="#e367d5"]“Enough! ENOUGH!... Ok. So I didn’t kill you. But..”
[/font]
Ferguson Looks confused.[font color="#03d799"] “But what?”
[/font]
Alice chims in [font color="#196de6"]But what? BIG BUTTS!!!
[/font]
Alice and Ferguson share a laugh. Big T stops them.
[font color="#e367d5"]“The but? It’s just that, I told Triple T agency to leak your death to CNN!”
[/font]
Alice looks shocked “[font color="#196de6"]Cool Norwegian Necklaces? What do they have to do with this?”
[/font]
Big T and Ferguson sigh.
[font color="#e367d5"]The Cable News Network… i leaked them your death. Should be breaking right… about… now…
[/font]
[font size="4"]THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS!
[/font]Cuts to Wolf Blitzer in the CNN studios.
[font color="#e61919"]“Alice Knight… dead at the age of 21 and… wait. That can't be right. She’s cute and all but she’s aging like a burnt tire is she not? What? TOo soon? Up next. Avatar 3? Are you excited? My pants full of boner says ‘yes, we ALL are’ and… wait… this just in… we got a LIVE phone call from… wait… is it… the one and only… the greatest of all time… director of Avatar 1 and 2 and True Lies… Alice Knight! ARE YOU OK??”
[/font]
[font color="#196de6"]“Um, it’s actually Alice Knight the wrestler NOT the film director…”
[/font]
Wolf askes for the director to cut the live feed.
[font color="#196de6"]“WAIT! I just want to point out that I am still alive and well. Not dead. Not a gun shot. Not a bludgeon rock to the head. I am breathing. No wounds and well. And this 21 year young wrestling veteran is going to great Illuamntus to win me my second OCW Championship. If it’s the last thing I ever do. “
[/font]
Wolf looks confused [font color="#e61919"]“You’re not using CNN. The cables news network no way affiliated with Cool Norwegian Necklaces, to waste our time with a lame wrestling promo are you???”
[/font]
Alice laughs [font color="#196de6"]“Never… but at Carpe Noctem 2 I will enter the pyramid a long shot but leave it at the tippity top of it as the NEW OCW Champion. Believe that! And if you do not ‘believe that’ then believe this… I am a OCW tag team champion. I am an OCW Hall of Famer. And on February 12th I will be the TWO TIME OCW Champion…”
[/font]
Wolf nods [font color="#e61919"]“And… if we still dont believe THAT?”
[/font]
Alice's phone goes quiet. She returns in a Chinesse accent. [font color="#196de6"]“[i]OH! CHINESE FOOD IS ‘ERE!!!! WHO ORDERED PORK!!!?!?!? [/i]Um, sorry, Chinese food is here. Gotta go…”
[/font]
Cut to Alice hanging up the landline phone as she turns to BIG T and Ferguson who watch her anxiously around a fireplace at the cabin.
Alice laughs “[font color="#196de6"]THAT… WAS A CLOSE ONE, DUDES!”
[/font]
Ferguson and Big T laugh as Alice joins them in a group hug.
[font color="#03d799"]“Why are we friends all of a sudden?”[/font] Ferguson says as a tear rolls down his face.
[font color="#196de6"]“I know it’s weird.” [/font]Alice says as she squeezes them closer to herself.
It zooms to a chair in front of the fireplace. A man drinking a bourbon. It turns out to be none other than actor Tim Allen in a winter turtleneck sweater. He watches the trio hug another.
[font color="#ef7d18"]“All well that ends well. What a start, huh? The sad and tragic idea of Alice Knight being dead? Very sad. Then… her talking to Big Bifford’s machine. Why does he ignore her? Crazy. Something fishy about that Triple T agency, huh? The obscure training in the snow for Alice and Ferguson and the murder assassination attempt on Alice Knight from the Triple T brute, Big ? And what about that ending where they all become friends after confronting the shady news efforts of CNN, a national… even the world wide news network… wow! Huh…
[/font]
Tim Allen takes a sip of his drink.
[font color="#ef7d18"]“What a horrible… horrible way to end this promo. So stupid. If we’re lucky this will be the last OCW Alice Knight promoe for a long time. Thanks for trying, Alice. But… do better next time…. But hey! What do I know? I am just legendary actor, Tim Allen… ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!”
[/font]
Tim finishes off his drink and stands up to reveal his bare ass as he watches Alice, Ferguson and Big T hug in the reflection.
[b][font size="7"]FIN.
[/font][/b]