PPV Week: Updates from Antarctica and Kenny in Jail

[Theodore Bryan Benson]

FEBRUARY 23, ANTARCTICA

Bifford’s eyes slowly open and he sees that the fire is still going. The ghosts aren’t with him. He’s alone in a cave in Antarctica. Standing, he walks to the edge of the cave and sees the massive amount of snow that has been dumped over the past few hours. He shakes his head, looking frustrated.

Bifford: This is how I die..

Martha: It doesn’t have to be.

Bifford swings around and finds himself face to face with his exwife, television home guru Martha Stewart. Bifford rolls his eyes and walks past her, “you’re not really here,” he says as he walks back up to the fire. On the other side of the fire is Kenny’s Aunt Bella, who might actually be actress Margo Martindale..

Bella: Bifford, if you keep trying to do this alone, you will die.

Bifford: Are you trying to convert me to some sort of religion?

Bella: No, Bifford.. we just want you to put the fucking cloak on again and be Plethora.. you’re going to need to. We’ve got a leak inside that jury room and Kenny is going to jail.

Bifford: No he’s not.. I got him excellent legal representation.

Martha: You got him a weird guy who is claiming that there’s a massive conspiracy against people who wear glasses, Bifford. Kenny is going away. THe only way we can get him out is if you’re not you anymore. You have to be Plethora again. Then we can get Kenny out of prison and nobody will come looking for you because you’ll have disappeared.

Bifford: Why is my choice of attire so important?

Bella: It’s not the attire, Bifford.. it’s what it stands for. You need to repledge your allegiance to Buffy and get your OCW Championship back.

Martha: We know you can’t stand that PIC fellow holding it.

Bifford: Fucking Pike.. the OCW Champion who couldn’t win the tag titles. You know he had The Lost Soul as his partner - TLS at least wins matches. I had Owl Lady and I managed to win.

Bella: You had your shot..

Bifford: IN A MATCH WITH MIKE ZYBALA. Had Michael not been there, I would have pinned Pike and ended it all.

Martha: Instead you’re in this dreadful and drafty cave.

Bifford: The thing with wrestlers like Pike.. is that they think they’re so very good. They do their flashy moves, and they dazzle the fans with acrobatics.. but at the end of the day, he’s a cruiserweight champion. I’m the Heavyweight Champion of the world and should be crowned OCW Champion..

Bella: We know where the Pyramid is.. we can provide transportation and more importantly, protection..

Martha: You’re going to face a lot of enemies in that pyramid.. It would be a shame if you were too beaten up before you even arrived there.. Who knows what exists down here.. Nobody is allowed down here for a reason.

Bifford blinked his eyes and he was again alone in the cave. He looked into the fire and sighed, thinking over what the evil women had said to him. He looked into the fire and a CGI face of Alice Knight appeared there.

Bifford: I’ll face a lot of enemies in that pyramid.. who will be there? Mario? Please Mario.. Silver Cyanide? Ehud and I beat him back in the day too.. Paras is pretty wrapped up in himself and it would feel good to pin him.. but as Bifford.. not Plethora.. I can’t.. I won’t.. I shan’t..

Walking over to a pile of logs that seem to be rather neatly stacked. Bifford grabs a log and adds it to the fire.

Bifford: Only one man matters in the pyramid.. Pike.. Pike is my obsession. Pike is the one who keeps getting away without facing me one on one, man to man, face to face, Bifford to Pike. He likes to hide behind Zybala and avoid clashing with OCW’s one True Titan. I might see Dangerous Dan or Duce Jones or Alice Knight in there.. and pin them I will.. but only one man deserves my true focus. Pike, I’m not sure how I’m gonna get in this pyramid, but when I do - I hope it’s right near you and trust me, we won’t be repeating The Great Illuminatus 2022. I came up short there, but you’re the short one here pal. Kiss that OCW Championship goodnight every night until that pyramid, Pike, because that marriage is about to be divorced. I will illuminate your shortcomings, I will pour out my greatness across every wrestler I encounter, and I will show the world that I am The Great Illuminatus. You don’t need to be in a match when you ARE the fucking match.

FEBRUARY 23, COLUMBUS OHIO

Alone in his jail cell, Kenny sits on the ground. He looks over the toilet paper that he has collected and written on. The timeline of The Big Bifford’s life, his many crimes, his many deceptions are recorded there. Kenny looks at them and the viewer can almost feel his temptation to rat on his boss.

Buffy: You’re going to be found guilty.

Kenny’s eyes shot open and he looked up. His mouth dropped open and he saw Buffy was standing there.

Buffy: Bifford fucked up on that lawyer. That’s the most ridiculous argument I’ve ever heard.. but not to worry.. your boss is going to do the right thing.

Kenny: You want him to become Plethora..

Buffy: It’s the only way you can be free..

Kenny: We’re going to tell the police the truth and Bifford will live the rest of his days under a cloak?

Buffy (laughing): No, of course no.. We’re going to break you out of jail and you’re going to have to be disguised for the rest of your life. Bifford will live a mostly normal life.

Kenny: That makes absolutely no sense.

Buffy: Whatever.. Do you want to rot in jail for the rest of your life, or do you want to be free?

Kenny: Free.

Buffy smiled and looked away for a moment.

When she looked back her eyes were full of flames.

Buffy: There’s just one thing I need in return.. your soul, Kenny.

Kenny set his face into his palms and sighed, “oh fuck,” under his breath as the scene faded to darkness.

FEBRUARY 23, ANTARCTICA

Bifford is walking through the snow, dragging supplies behind him. The ghosts walk behind on his right and his left. He looks miserable, cold, and not in the best of shape. He huffs and puffs, his breath freezing before the audience’s eyes. His eyes were covered with goggles, but one could see they were somewhere between the blue of Bifford and the gray of Plethora. Bifford walked up to another cave, pulling the supplies in behind him.

Bifford: What happens if I die here? Do I just become ghosts like you guys?

Both men shrugged. Sighing and turning, Bifford fell to the ground from exhaustion. He closed his eyes and was out. The two ghosts looked down at him and then at each other. They looked up, expecting to see a ghost, but saw none. “He ain’t dead,” Martin’s father said. “Yet,” Martin added.

OUTSIDE OF SPACE AND TIME, BEYOND

The scene flashes open with a bright white light. Bifford opens his eyes and finds himself at a bright stairwell that leads up to large golden gates. “The fuck is this..?” Bifford asked, looking around, as though heaven was a rather foreign concept.

Ehud: Hey.

Bifford turned and saw Ehud standing there on the stairs with him.

Bifford: Ehud.. am I dead?

Ehud shook his head.

Ehud: Not dead.. you’re having one of those near death experiences.. but if you wanna live, you’ve gotta put that cloak on. You had some options of not if you hadn’t decided to go to Antarctica on your own like a psychopath. But once you did that, your only options were ending this redemption story and putting the cloak back on OR dying. So.. you might as well just embrace it.

Bifford: But it’s not the redemption story they wanted, it’s the one they deserve.

Ehud: Maybe they never really deserved a redemption story after all. Maybe your story is just kinda like a biopic on Hitler.

Bifford: I’m not that bad!

Ehud just stares at Bifford and Bifford stares back. In silence.

Ehud: Maybe not quite that bad.. but close.

Bifford: Hey, Ehud.. how’d you die?

Ehud: She had the nicest damn feet..

Bifford (looking suspicious): Who?

Ehud (shrugging):I don’t remember.. it all happened so fast. I wish I coulda enjoyed it longer.

Bifford looks with apprehension at Ehud and then closes his eyes.

30 MINUTES AFTER THE PREVIOUS SCENE, ANTARCTICA

Bifford awakens to Martin and his father’s ghosts shaking him and shouting. “Wake up Bifford!” “Biff, you gotta get up.” Bifford shook his head, getting the cobwebs up and then looked at the two ghosts. “There’s a monster! COMING!”

Bifford’s eyes shot open and he jumped to his feet. He walked to the edge of the cave and sure enough, far in the distance what could only be described as A MOVIE SNOW MONSTER was running in their direction.

“Fuck,” Bifford said under his breath. “Call the demon lady,” Martin encouraged. “Call her she will save you!”

Bifford looked around, as though searching for a weapon. He reached into his fleece, grabbing the gun.. he knew he needed it to break the ice of The Great Illuminatus. He let go of the gun and sighed audibly.

“Buffy. Help.”

The world went silent and the camera focused in on the SNOW MONSTER that was running toward them. A massive beast, apparently hiding behind a large rock, came out of nowhere and dove on top of the SNOW MONSTER, crushing him.

Martin: Holy fuck..

Dad: That’s not something you see every day.. though I was hoping that monster was gonna kill him.. that’s some revenge for my many deaths..

The massive beast that crushed the snow monster turns and looks toward the cave. It begins sliding across the snow and ice toward the cave at a faster speed than the snow monster. And its 3 or 4 times the size of the original monster.

Martin: OH FUCK!

Dad: Oh this is gonna be SWEET REVENGE! Bifford eaten by a monster!

The massive beast ran toward the cave and jumped up, tackling Bifford to the ground. Martin’s dad jumped up and down cheering as he saw the beast tackle him. The cheers and smiles suddenly stopped though. The giant beast was licking Bifford’s face.

Martin: It’s the fucking seal. I can’t fucking believe it.

The Seal keeps licking Bifford as Bifford laughs with glee and plays with his old friend. Martin’s father looks at his son’s ghost with confusion.

Martin: Bifford used to have a seal, Ludwig.. Fed it nothing but Cocoa Puffs. Got fat. Always thought Biff killed it, but I guess not, maybe released in Antarctica.

Bifford gets to his feet and looks to see that Ludwig the Seal is fitted with a harness. Bifford grabs his belongings and climbs up on the massive CGI seal’s back. “Do you know where a pyramid is, Ludwig?” Bifford asks as the seal begins pulling the three men out of the cave.

Dad: You people are involved in so much fucked up stuff.. and now we gonna ride this magical seal to an ice pyramid for wrestling.. this is whack.