Post by zybala on Feb 16, 2023 8:28:34 GMT -5
Haven't done this in a while. Wanted to see if it would take off with this crop of people.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Look, I understand you want to be on t.v. Who wouldn't want to have their 15 minutes of fame? But trying to be the reason NBC brings back To Catch A Predator isn't the way to do it, Aquarius. I would understand if you wanted to host the show, but pretending to be a 14 year old on-line to talk to youngs teens isn't the way to go.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Pisces, talking about "those people" at work is not you doing a Hot Take. It's you being a racist douche. I foresee many H.R. meetings in your future.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
The stars tell me to tell you this message. Do NOT bet on Bifford to win The Great Illuminatus. He won't even be in the match.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Aaaand you're back on the incest porn. I give up on you, Taurus. I would say get help, but there is no help for you…
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Why don't you break down your boxes before putting them in your recycling boxes? It just makes it harder for the people that pick up the recycling. Plus, you can fit more in the bin if you do. Just do a little extra work, Gemini… you lazy shit.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
On the flip side, we have you, Cancer. I get it. You want to help Mother Earth. You recycle everything you can. You drive a Prius. You have solar panels. Good for you. You don't need to act better than everybody else. According to my crystal ball, if you don't knock off this Holier Than Thou attitude, you're gonna catch a biodegradable fist to the mouth…. Repeatedly.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
I'm sorry Michelle broke up with you, Leo. I know you liked her a lot. It's just hard to date a vegan when you don't wanna give up the meat. The way she did it was vicious, too. Being all condescending and calling you a stupid meat eater and all that. Here's what you do. Go outside her house as she's leaving for work and start eating a perfectly cooked medium Porterhouse Steak while not breaking eye contact. It won't win her back, but it'll show that meat will never break your heart like she did.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
E-mails in your future, Virgo! Zybala has been having an idea overload and is looking to share. The best bet is to put him on block for a while and go golfing.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Libra, you're going to win The Great Illuminatus match. Don't worry, I won't post spoilers, forcing Will to make last minute changes out of anger.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Scorpio, why do you act so nice to me in private messages but act so mean in the Discord chat?
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21[/i][/b]
Prepare for a massive head injury and a bout of amnesia in the next month, Sagittarius. Though you won't remember reading this after Virgo clubs you in the head before stealing your wallet…
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
I know times are rough for you right now, but we are here for you. You are not alone. We all get bad thoughts when we're sad, but it's always best not to act on them. You hear me, Capricorn? Do NOT release all the animals in the zoo you use to work at…. No matter how much fun it would be.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Look, I understand you want to be on t.v. Who wouldn't want to have their 15 minutes of fame? But trying to be the reason NBC brings back To Catch A Predator isn't the way to do it, Aquarius. I would understand if you wanted to host the show, but pretending to be a 14 year old on-line to talk to youngs teens isn't the way to go.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Pisces, talking about "those people" at work is not you doing a Hot Take. It's you being a racist douche. I foresee many H.R. meetings in your future.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
The stars tell me to tell you this message. Do NOT bet on Bifford to win The Great Illuminatus. He won't even be in the match.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Aaaand you're back on the incest porn. I give up on you, Taurus. I would say get help, but there is no help for you…
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Why don't you break down your boxes before putting them in your recycling boxes? It just makes it harder for the people that pick up the recycling. Plus, you can fit more in the bin if you do. Just do a little extra work, Gemini… you lazy shit.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
On the flip side, we have you, Cancer. I get it. You want to help Mother Earth. You recycle everything you can. You drive a Prius. You have solar panels. Good for you. You don't need to act better than everybody else. According to my crystal ball, if you don't knock off this Holier Than Thou attitude, you're gonna catch a biodegradable fist to the mouth…. Repeatedly.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
I'm sorry Michelle broke up with you, Leo. I know you liked her a lot. It's just hard to date a vegan when you don't wanna give up the meat. The way she did it was vicious, too. Being all condescending and calling you a stupid meat eater and all that. Here's what you do. Go outside her house as she's leaving for work and start eating a perfectly cooked medium Porterhouse Steak while not breaking eye contact. It won't win her back, but it'll show that meat will never break your heart like she did.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
E-mails in your future, Virgo! Zybala has been having an idea overload and is looking to share. The best bet is to put him on block for a while and go golfing.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Libra, you're going to win The Great Illuminatus match. Don't worry, I won't post spoilers, forcing Will to make last minute changes out of anger.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Scorpio, why do you act so nice to me in private messages but act so mean in the Discord chat?
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21[/i][/b]
Prepare for a massive head injury and a bout of amnesia in the next month, Sagittarius. Though you won't remember reading this after Virgo clubs you in the head before stealing your wallet…
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
I know times are rough for you right now, but we are here for you. You are not alone. We all get bad thoughts when we're sad, but it's always best not to act on them. You hear me, Capricorn? Do NOT release all the animals in the zoo you use to work at…. No matter how much fun it would be.