Post by zybala on Jun 28, 2021 10:42:36 GMT -5
~ You know what the setting and the weather are. The Yard hasn't had a bad weather day and we keep praying that trend continues. You've sat through the updates. You bought the tickets or turned on the show through some device. It's time for Outsiders Championship Wrestling: Dystopia!!! The yard looks amazing as the lawn is mowed, and the bushes are trimmed. Every seat is filled and so are the bleachers. The Yardies are excited to see all the action that only Outsider's can bring! Butts are in the seats. Emilio and The Eastern European are selling the food and non alcoholic beverages. The booze is in the community coolers and the port-o-potties have recently been cleaned by the company that takes care of that sort of stuff.
The Mariachi Band is playing a mariachi version of "Home For a Rest" by Spirit of the West that is… interesting to say the least. The refrigerator box/announcer table is still standing. Behind the "table" is our trusty commentary team of Mike Zybala and Dean! They are absolutely hyped! They have the headsets and microphones at the ready and Zybala has the laptop for the entrance themes next to him. ~
Zybala: What's up, party people? Welcome back to The Yard for another episode of Dystopia. You know who I am, you know who he is, you know why we're here!
Dean: Damn straight, sucka! They're here because they love Outsiders!! That's why we're giving them THREE matches for tonight! Two tourney matches and a special feature match!
Zybala: That's right, Dean. We managed to get The Lost Soul here tonight to finally settle his epic rivalry against arguably THE most decorated person in the history of wrestling; Vacant.
Dean: Nobody has held more titles in more companies than that sucka. Which wrestling warrior will win? We find out Tonight! Take it away, Belvedere!!
Belvedere: Ladies and gentlemen, your opening match of the evening is a tournament match! It is scheduled for one fall.
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Coming to the ring first... She calls Key West, Florida her home. She is "The One Armed Goddess" Cori Haim!!!
~ Zybala cues up the trusty YouTube and plays "Don't You (Forget About Me) and then stands up with one fist in the air. A few members of the crowd do this as well, as is tradition. Cori Haim walks into the yard to the cheers of the Yardies. She has a 40 in her hand and is chugging away as she stumbles her way to the yard. Cori climbs in the ring as the music stops. She finishes her booze and lets out a loud belch. She tosses the bottle onto the grass as Belvedere looks disgusted, but continues. ~
Belvedere: And her opponent… he comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
~ "Niggaz Jump Up" get played on YouTube and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life, also carrying 40s. Unlike Haim though, Cashe has one in each hand. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy wobbles to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He stumbles a few times before he finally gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He winks at some random lady in the crowd, who smiles and blushes?!?! Someone finds him attractive?? Guy looks even cockier as he leans against the ropes. Mitch checks both wrestlers and calls for the bell. ~
Dean: This should be interesting. Both suckas appear drunk and Cashe is still drinking.
Zybala: It looks like Cori wants Guy to share. What will Cashe do?
~ Cori has her hand stretched out, asking for Cashe to "be a "guy" and share." Is Cori part Canadian or couldn't resist a bad pun? Whatever the answer, Cashe seems hesitant. He states that he used the last of the twenty Zybala gave him for the 40s and smokes. Cori ponders this for a moment before she offers to flash Cashe for the booze. The Yardies cheer because they're all deviants as Guy mulls this offer over and decides to hand over one of his bottles. Haim happily takes it and starts chugging; Covid be damned! Cashe starts to chug his shitty booze as well as the audience is encouraging both of them on. ~
Zybala: Well, it seems that the wrestling match has become a drinking contest!
Dean: Only in The Yard, sucka! There's no way that Barrows would let this happen on his shows!
~ The Yardies are still chanting "Chug!" as the two "wrestlers" are finishing the booze. Cori finishes first with Guy close behind. They gasp for breath for a little bit before grinning at each other. Cashe reminds Cori of her promise to which she responds with "fuck that." She lied! The crowd boos as Cashe starts to get angry. He tells her to keep her word or else. Cori shoves Cashe in the chest with her fist, still holding the bottle, telling him to fuck off. The shove causes Cashe to stumble backwards into the ropes. He comes back and shoves Haim! The two keep pushing and shoving against each other, pissing the other one off as the Yardies cheer that some action is finally happening. Cori then tightens her grip around the bottles, as does Cashe. They both swing the bottles at each other and clock each other in the head!! Haim and Cashe both go down!! Mitch has no idea what to do, so he shrugs and starts a ten count. ~
Zybala: Well, this is a first…
Dean: Both suckas cracked the other in the dome piece! It's a race to see who gets up first!
Zybala: That may not happen, buddy. Mitch is already up to seven, and no.one is moving!
~ Mitch is indeed up to seven. He shouts "EIGHT" and slows down the intervals between the last two numbers. Neither Cashe nor Haim stir, though. "NINE!" can be heard as the Yardies try to rouse the wrestlers. There is a twitch of Cashe's fingers, but it could be just a spasm. Mitch waits a bit, looking at both of the downed drunks, before shrugging and shouting "TEN!" The Yardies boo as Mitch calls for the bell, then lights a blunt. ~
Belvedere: Ladies and gentlemen, Mitch has deemed this match a no contest!
~ The Mariachi Band help Haim and Cashe out of the ring as Zybala gets up from the announcer "table" and makes his way into the ring. Belvedere hands him the microphone. ~
Zybala: Sorry for the lackluster match folks, but I have HUGE news! After talks with Jonathan Barrows, I have managed to get Outsiders the GCWA pay per view spot for September!!
~ The Yardies let out a huge cheer, though no one cheers louder than Dean. Zybala let's the cheer die down before continuing. ~
Zybala: We will let you all know the name and location of the event soon enough. At the ppv, we will see the finish of the tournament, and the third match between Peter Vaughn and The Uber-Man for the Outsiders world title. PLUS we will see crowning of the Outsiders Championship Wrestling TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS as The Malvado Brothers take on The Patriots plus maybe a mystery team!! We hope to see you all there!
~ The Yardies cheer more as Zybala leaves the ring and goes back to the table. Dean is hugging Zybala out of excitement. Zybala tried pushing Dean away, but Dean is too happy. We cut back to something that was filmed earlier today…~
~Aaron Warthog is seen outside throwing some punches at the wall. He stares at the wall for a moment, considering it, as Jones & Mitch walk up.~
Jones: Feeling good about tonight, Aaron?
Mitch: I'm sure you've got this, dude. Your opponent sucks.
Aaron Warthog - Yeah I'm going to win. I'm going to go through everyone to get the win in the end.
~Jones applauds, liking that Warthog is showing a little bit more fire after his lack of activity lately.~
Aaron Warthog: I'm going to break on through and become a star. I'll have that crown in my hands in no time.
Jones: I know you can do this, Aaron...
Mitch: Wait, what? A crown?
~Mitch looks to where Warthog is staring, realizing something.~
Aaron Warthog: They won't be able to stop me. I know I'm going to make the right choice!
~Warthog starts to move forward towards the wall of the house, but Mitch grabs at his arm, hanging on, much to Jones' shock.~
Aaron Warthog: Hey, leggo! That's cheating!
Mitch: We're NOT in a video game, Aaron! That's a solid wall! Help me for Christ's sake, Jonesy!
~Jones belatedly realizes that Warthog had snapped back into Fall Guy thoughts, as he hurries forward to grab Warthog's other arm.~
Jones: Aaron, no!
Aaron Warthog: I've got to go through in order to win!
Mitch: No, Aaron, you don't, there's a shortcut to the right!
Jones: What?
~Warthog looks to the right, seeing the edge of the house. He starts that way instead, with Jones and Mitch both guiding him.~
Mitch: We'll get you to the ring, don't worry, Aaron, and then you can smash Soot Losem!
Jones: I hope he can, or else we might need to have another intervention!
~The three disappear from sight. We cut back to the show to see Belvedere, who is waiting in the ring..~
Belvedere: The following match is a special attraction match scheduled for one fall…
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Entering the yard first.... standing 6'3" and weighing 235 lbs... from Parts Unknown... he is the GCWA Unified X-Division champion... Here is The Lost Soul!!
~ The theme to Halloween plays over the speakers. A spotlight shines on the entrance way as TLS appears with the GCWA X-Division title around his waist, although we can't really see the light from the spotlight since it's a sunny afternoon and we're outside. TLS demanded the spotlight, so it's whatever. The crowd cheers as his way methodically to the ring. He slowly enters the ring, takes off the title and holds it high for a moment before putting it in a corner. The music stops and TLS waits. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent….. He is the most decorated person in wrestling history, holding almost every title in every promotion. His weight is just like his hometown, unknown…. He is the end all, be all, VACANT!
~ If we were in an arena, the lights would dim, but since we're outside, the sun stays shining. A very Goldberg-esq music hits the speakers, but it's not quite the copywritten version everyone knows. It's like Outsiders did to the song what WCW did to many songs for many years. Fireworks start going off and sparklers are lit on the sides of the ramp. A person clad in a green full-body costume emerges from the house and makes their way down the ramp. The fans lose their minds for the legend called Vacant. If we could see behind his mask, TLS would look stoic and determined. Vacant climbs into the ring as Belvedere exits. Mitch walks up with a pen and paper, asking for an autograph. Vacant obliges and signs the paper. Mitch is ecstatic as he calls for the bell. ~
Zybala: Oh yeah! Here we go! TLS versus Vacant!
Dean: I've been waiting for this all week, sucka! I've always wanted to see Vacant fight in person forever!
~ The two masked men stare at each other intensely. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife. The fans are screaming and cheering in anticipation. Vacant and TLS are looking for an opening in the other's defenses. Vacant thinks he sees one and charges forward! The Lost Soul sees him coming and quickly counters with a small package roll-up! Mitch dives into position! ~
Mitch: One…….Two…..THREE!!!!
~ The Yardies and even Zybala and Dean boo at the very quick and anticlimactic finish. TLS stands up and celebrates, acting like it was his hardest win ever. He goes to retrieve his X-Division title and holds it high as Vacant leaves the ring; shoulders slumped and an aura of shame surrounding him. ~
Zybala: Well shit.
Dean: That wasn't what I expected. Damn, sucka. What do we do now?
Zybala:..... Intermission?
Dean: Intermission.
~ Dean shouts out INTERMISSION as the boos turn to cheers. Even TLS seems excited as he leaves the ring and heads right over to Emilio to get food. The Yardies get up and do intermission stuff as we hear noise from out in front of the "arena." The camera goes to the front of the house to see a view of Memphis Belle and The Spruce Goose standing with a blue sky behind them. Some might say they're standing Patriotically, especially with The Spruce Goose holding up an American Flag on a wooden rod. Any jokes you may have regarding that statement are juvenile and beneath you. The Spruce Goose throws a salute at the camera.~
The Spruce Goose - America! The land of the free, the home of the brave!
Memphis Belle - America! The greatest country to ever exist on this great planet of ours!
The Spruce Goose - But that country was defiled last week, thanks to the Malvados! They dared to attack us and make off with our American flag, disgracing it!
Memphis Belle - We had to burn it, due to them letting it touch the ground, those animals!
The Spruce Goose - You may think what you did was fun, but we will never forget what you did to our flag!
Memphis Belle - We will never forget!
~Both pose once again, showing the emotions across their faces before continuing.~
The Spruce Goose - We got some revenge on Victor, but you will not get away unscathed, Hector. We will fight you anytime, any place! And we will do our country proud in tearing you a new asshole!
Memphis Belle - Er, Goose?
The Spruce Goose - You will be ripped to shreds by the American spirit! Your blood will flow like the Mississippi river! Your guts will be wider than the Grand Canyon! Your nuts will...
Memphis Belle - Goose!!
~The Spruce Goose stops for a moment, looking at the concerned Memphis Belle. He realizes how far off-script he's gone.~
The Spruce Goose - Sorry, sorry. What matters is... the Patriots will teach you to believe in America!
Memphis Belle - ... You Will Believe!
~A voice clearing can be heard nearby. The camera pans, showing that The Spruce Goose and Memphis Belle are actually up on the roof above the garage. Down below, Zybala is looking up at them.~
Zybala: Hey guys, I love the enthusiasm, but I really need you off the roof. Thanks!
~They nod and start to carefully head over to where they climbed up. Whether they get down safely or not is unknown because the camera goes back in the yard, following Zybala. Intermission is winding down and Belvedere is back in the ring.~
Belvedere: The following tournament match is scheduled for one fall.
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: And it's your main event of the evening! Coming to the ring first, hailing from the Cinnabar Islands, weighing in tonight at 0.13 metric tons, he is Soot Losem!!
~ The speakers come alive with a power metal cord starting to play. "Gotta Catch Em All" by PowerGlove hits the speakers as The Yardies.......mummer? Talking amongst themselves is more like. Nobody shows interest in Soot Losem as he makes his way to the ring. Some even mock his fanny pack, calling him a Tony the Spider ripoff. He hops up on the apron, slips through the ropes and into the ring. The music stops and Belvedere continues. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent… standing 6'1" and weighing 330 lbs… from Charleston, South Carolina... he is a former United X-Division champion... This is AARON WARTHOG!!
"Everyone knows I'm Hog Wild!"
~ The Yardies cheer as Hank Williams Jr starts to play over the speakers. Aaron Warthog comes out, standing in the doorway, facing the audience. Warthog starts down to the ring, looking a bit confused about actually wrestling in the home of Outsider. He enters the ring and looks at Losem. The confusion is then replaced with a look of confidence. Warthog's music ends and Mitch calls for the bell. The fans cheer as the match gets underway. ~
Zybala: And here we go!
Dean: Let's see what this sucka can do against a former champ.
Zybala: I hope Warthog kicks his ass.
Dean: Soot helped that sucka Welsh ONCE. Do you think it's time to let it go?
Zybala: Nope.
~ Warthog wastes no time as he charges at Losem, who screams in fear and goes to cower in the corner. The fans laugh at this cowardice, but Warthog shows no pity. He runs over and grabs Losem by the head, dragging him to the middle of the ring. Losem is screaming "No!" over and over but Warthog is here to kick ass and give fucks; and he's all out of fucks. He kicks Losem in the midsection then grabs him in a front face lock. Warthog starts delivering multiple knee strikes to Losem before spiking his head to the mat with a vicious d.d.t.! Losem is rolling around on the mat, holding his head in pain. The fans cheer as Warthog poses. Losem crawls to the ropes and uses them to pull himself up. He glares at Warthog while reaching into his fanny pack. ~
Zybala: He's reaching for a weapon! Get that d.q. ready Mitch!
Dean: He could just be getting hand sanitizer.
~ Losem glare turns into a look of smugness. His hand emerges from the fanny pack and he is holding a pokéball! The Yardies cheer for the nerd nostalgia as Losem shouts "Go Caterpie!" He then opens the ball, walks up to Warthog and gently shakes out a caterpillar onto Warthog's hand. Warthog holds up the hand to look at the tiny bug, and raises his other hand as if to smash it! The fans boo and start shouting NO! as Losem starts pleading with the big guy. Warthog leaves the ring, walks over to a nearby tree and gently places the bug on a branch. He then turns and heads back to the ring. As he reaches the apron, Warthog is met with two feet to the chest as Losem executes a baseball slide! Warthog barely budges as Losem gets up and runs at the ropes. He tries another baseball slide, but Warthog sidesteps the attack. Losem lands on the grass, but quickly recovers as he tries to crawl under the ring. Warthog puts a stop to this when he grabs Soot's ankle and starts pulling. Soot is yelling at him to let go as we hear the sound of grass being pulled from the ground. Warthog gets Losem out from under the ring and yanks him to his feet, only to have Losem throw a handful of grass in his face! Warthog tries to clear his eyes of the green stuff as Losem gets back in the ring and begs Mitch to hurry up and count. ~
Zybala: It looks like this dingus is trying to win by count-out.
Dean: Any win counts, sucka. Especially when you're 200 pounds lighter than your opponent.
~ Mitch reaches the count of 7 when Warthog manages to clear his eyes from the grass and dirt. He climbs back into the ring before Mitch even reaches 9. Losem looks scared and panicked. He reaches into the fanny pack and pulls out another pokéball. This one he throws at Warthog! The ball bounces off of Warthog's chest and opens and……. does nothing because this is the real world and Warthog isn't a fictional animal. He is also not amused. He growls as he charges at Losem and damn near breaks him in half with a vicious Stampede! Warthog covers Losem and Mitch makes the count. ~
Mitch: One……. Two……. Three!!
Belvedere: Here is your winner and moving onto the next round…. Aaron Warthog!!
~ Warthog gets up and then has his arm raised by Mitch as the Yardies cheer. Warthog doesn't look satisfied with the ass kicking he just administered. He picks up Losem, runs at the ropes and Stampedes Soot again! The Yardies start chanting Warthog's name as "Hot Wild" starts to play over the speakers. Warthog celebrates as Mitch helps Losem out of the ring. ~
Dean: Warthog showing that he wants to win this tourney with that impressive victory.
Zybala: True enough, but we still have a stacked field. Barry, Allton, and Zeus just to name a few.
Dean: Plus we still got Tony The Spider going against JAM G, and Vic Vinegar versus Blue Thunder next week.
Zybala: It's still anybody's tournament. That's all we got for this week folks. For Dean, I'm Mike Zybala saying Good Fight, Good Night.
The Mariachi Band is playing a mariachi version of "Home For a Rest" by Spirit of the West that is… interesting to say the least. The refrigerator box/announcer table is still standing. Behind the "table" is our trusty commentary team of Mike Zybala and Dean! They are absolutely hyped! They have the headsets and microphones at the ready and Zybala has the laptop for the entrance themes next to him. ~
Zybala: What's up, party people? Welcome back to The Yard for another episode of Dystopia. You know who I am, you know who he is, you know why we're here!
Dean: Damn straight, sucka! They're here because they love Outsiders!! That's why we're giving them THREE matches for tonight! Two tourney matches and a special feature match!
Zybala: That's right, Dean. We managed to get The Lost Soul here tonight to finally settle his epic rivalry against arguably THE most decorated person in the history of wrestling; Vacant.
Dean: Nobody has held more titles in more companies than that sucka. Which wrestling warrior will win? We find out Tonight! Take it away, Belvedere!!
Belvedere: Ladies and gentlemen, your opening match of the evening is a tournament match! It is scheduled for one fall.
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Coming to the ring first... She calls Key West, Florida her home. She is "The One Armed Goddess" Cori Haim!!!
~ Zybala cues up the trusty YouTube and plays "Don't You (Forget About Me) and then stands up with one fist in the air. A few members of the crowd do this as well, as is tradition. Cori Haim walks into the yard to the cheers of the Yardies. She has a 40 in her hand and is chugging away as she stumbles her way to the yard. Cori climbs in the ring as the music stops. She finishes her booze and lets out a loud belch. She tosses the bottle onto the grass as Belvedere looks disgusted, but continues. ~
Belvedere: And her opponent… he comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
~ "Niggaz Jump Up" get played on YouTube and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life, also carrying 40s. Unlike Haim though, Cashe has one in each hand. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy wobbles to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He stumbles a few times before he finally gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He winks at some random lady in the crowd, who smiles and blushes?!?! Someone finds him attractive?? Guy looks even cockier as he leans against the ropes. Mitch checks both wrestlers and calls for the bell. ~
Dean: This should be interesting. Both suckas appear drunk and Cashe is still drinking.
Zybala: It looks like Cori wants Guy to share. What will Cashe do?
~ Cori has her hand stretched out, asking for Cashe to "be a "guy" and share." Is Cori part Canadian or couldn't resist a bad pun? Whatever the answer, Cashe seems hesitant. He states that he used the last of the twenty Zybala gave him for the 40s and smokes. Cori ponders this for a moment before she offers to flash Cashe for the booze. The Yardies cheer because they're all deviants as Guy mulls this offer over and decides to hand over one of his bottles. Haim happily takes it and starts chugging; Covid be damned! Cashe starts to chug his shitty booze as well as the audience is encouraging both of them on. ~
Zybala: Well, it seems that the wrestling match has become a drinking contest!
Dean: Only in The Yard, sucka! There's no way that Barrows would let this happen on his shows!
~ The Yardies are still chanting "Chug!" as the two "wrestlers" are finishing the booze. Cori finishes first with Guy close behind. They gasp for breath for a little bit before grinning at each other. Cashe reminds Cori of her promise to which she responds with "fuck that." She lied! The crowd boos as Cashe starts to get angry. He tells her to keep her word or else. Cori shoves Cashe in the chest with her fist, still holding the bottle, telling him to fuck off. The shove causes Cashe to stumble backwards into the ropes. He comes back and shoves Haim! The two keep pushing and shoving against each other, pissing the other one off as the Yardies cheer that some action is finally happening. Cori then tightens her grip around the bottles, as does Cashe. They both swing the bottles at each other and clock each other in the head!! Haim and Cashe both go down!! Mitch has no idea what to do, so he shrugs and starts a ten count. ~
Zybala: Well, this is a first…
Dean: Both suckas cracked the other in the dome piece! It's a race to see who gets up first!
Zybala: That may not happen, buddy. Mitch is already up to seven, and no.one is moving!
~ Mitch is indeed up to seven. He shouts "EIGHT" and slows down the intervals between the last two numbers. Neither Cashe nor Haim stir, though. "NINE!" can be heard as the Yardies try to rouse the wrestlers. There is a twitch of Cashe's fingers, but it could be just a spasm. Mitch waits a bit, looking at both of the downed drunks, before shrugging and shouting "TEN!" The Yardies boo as Mitch calls for the bell, then lights a blunt. ~
Belvedere: Ladies and gentlemen, Mitch has deemed this match a no contest!
~ The Mariachi Band help Haim and Cashe out of the ring as Zybala gets up from the announcer "table" and makes his way into the ring. Belvedere hands him the microphone. ~
Zybala: Sorry for the lackluster match folks, but I have HUGE news! After talks with Jonathan Barrows, I have managed to get Outsiders the GCWA pay per view spot for September!!
~ The Yardies let out a huge cheer, though no one cheers louder than Dean. Zybala let's the cheer die down before continuing. ~
Zybala: We will let you all know the name and location of the event soon enough. At the ppv, we will see the finish of the tournament, and the third match between Peter Vaughn and The Uber-Man for the Outsiders world title. PLUS we will see crowning of the Outsiders Championship Wrestling TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS as The Malvado Brothers take on The Patriots plus maybe a mystery team!! We hope to see you all there!
~ The Yardies cheer more as Zybala leaves the ring and goes back to the table. Dean is hugging Zybala out of excitement. Zybala tried pushing Dean away, but Dean is too happy. We cut back to something that was filmed earlier today…~
~Aaron Warthog is seen outside throwing some punches at the wall. He stares at the wall for a moment, considering it, as Jones & Mitch walk up.~
Jones: Feeling good about tonight, Aaron?
Mitch: I'm sure you've got this, dude. Your opponent sucks.
Aaron Warthog - Yeah I'm going to win. I'm going to go through everyone to get the win in the end.
~Jones applauds, liking that Warthog is showing a little bit more fire after his lack of activity lately.~
Aaron Warthog: I'm going to break on through and become a star. I'll have that crown in my hands in no time.
Jones: I know you can do this, Aaron...
Mitch: Wait, what? A crown?
~Mitch looks to where Warthog is staring, realizing something.~
Aaron Warthog: They won't be able to stop me. I know I'm going to make the right choice!
~Warthog starts to move forward towards the wall of the house, but Mitch grabs at his arm, hanging on, much to Jones' shock.~
Aaron Warthog: Hey, leggo! That's cheating!
Mitch: We're NOT in a video game, Aaron! That's a solid wall! Help me for Christ's sake, Jonesy!
~Jones belatedly realizes that Warthog had snapped back into Fall Guy thoughts, as he hurries forward to grab Warthog's other arm.~
Jones: Aaron, no!
Aaron Warthog: I've got to go through in order to win!
Mitch: No, Aaron, you don't, there's a shortcut to the right!
Jones: What?
~Warthog looks to the right, seeing the edge of the house. He starts that way instead, with Jones and Mitch both guiding him.~
Mitch: We'll get you to the ring, don't worry, Aaron, and then you can smash Soot Losem!
Jones: I hope he can, or else we might need to have another intervention!
~The three disappear from sight. We cut back to the show to see Belvedere, who is waiting in the ring..~
Belvedere: The following match is a special attraction match scheduled for one fall…
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Entering the yard first.... standing 6'3" and weighing 235 lbs... from Parts Unknown... he is the GCWA Unified X-Division champion... Here is The Lost Soul!!
~ The theme to Halloween plays over the speakers. A spotlight shines on the entrance way as TLS appears with the GCWA X-Division title around his waist, although we can't really see the light from the spotlight since it's a sunny afternoon and we're outside. TLS demanded the spotlight, so it's whatever. The crowd cheers as his way methodically to the ring. He slowly enters the ring, takes off the title and holds it high for a moment before putting it in a corner. The music stops and TLS waits. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent….. He is the most decorated person in wrestling history, holding almost every title in every promotion. His weight is just like his hometown, unknown…. He is the end all, be all, VACANT!
~ If we were in an arena, the lights would dim, but since we're outside, the sun stays shining. A very Goldberg-esq music hits the speakers, but it's not quite the copywritten version everyone knows. It's like Outsiders did to the song what WCW did to many songs for many years. Fireworks start going off and sparklers are lit on the sides of the ramp. A person clad in a green full-body costume emerges from the house and makes their way down the ramp. The fans lose their minds for the legend called Vacant. If we could see behind his mask, TLS would look stoic and determined. Vacant climbs into the ring as Belvedere exits. Mitch walks up with a pen and paper, asking for an autograph. Vacant obliges and signs the paper. Mitch is ecstatic as he calls for the bell. ~
Zybala: Oh yeah! Here we go! TLS versus Vacant!
Dean: I've been waiting for this all week, sucka! I've always wanted to see Vacant fight in person forever!
~ The two masked men stare at each other intensely. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife. The fans are screaming and cheering in anticipation. Vacant and TLS are looking for an opening in the other's defenses. Vacant thinks he sees one and charges forward! The Lost Soul sees him coming and quickly counters with a small package roll-up! Mitch dives into position! ~
Mitch: One…….Two…..THREE!!!!
~ The Yardies and even Zybala and Dean boo at the very quick and anticlimactic finish. TLS stands up and celebrates, acting like it was his hardest win ever. He goes to retrieve his X-Division title and holds it high as Vacant leaves the ring; shoulders slumped and an aura of shame surrounding him. ~
Zybala: Well shit.
Dean: That wasn't what I expected. Damn, sucka. What do we do now?
Zybala:..... Intermission?
Dean: Intermission.
~ Dean shouts out INTERMISSION as the boos turn to cheers. Even TLS seems excited as he leaves the ring and heads right over to Emilio to get food. The Yardies get up and do intermission stuff as we hear noise from out in front of the "arena." The camera goes to the front of the house to see a view of Memphis Belle and The Spruce Goose standing with a blue sky behind them. Some might say they're standing Patriotically, especially with The Spruce Goose holding up an American Flag on a wooden rod. Any jokes you may have regarding that statement are juvenile and beneath you. The Spruce Goose throws a salute at the camera.~
The Spruce Goose - America! The land of the free, the home of the brave!
Memphis Belle - America! The greatest country to ever exist on this great planet of ours!
The Spruce Goose - But that country was defiled last week, thanks to the Malvados! They dared to attack us and make off with our American flag, disgracing it!
Memphis Belle - We had to burn it, due to them letting it touch the ground, those animals!
The Spruce Goose - You may think what you did was fun, but we will never forget what you did to our flag!
Memphis Belle - We will never forget!
~Both pose once again, showing the emotions across their faces before continuing.~
The Spruce Goose - We got some revenge on Victor, but you will not get away unscathed, Hector. We will fight you anytime, any place! And we will do our country proud in tearing you a new asshole!
Memphis Belle - Er, Goose?
The Spruce Goose - You will be ripped to shreds by the American spirit! Your blood will flow like the Mississippi river! Your guts will be wider than the Grand Canyon! Your nuts will...
Memphis Belle - Goose!!
~The Spruce Goose stops for a moment, looking at the concerned Memphis Belle. He realizes how far off-script he's gone.~
The Spruce Goose - Sorry, sorry. What matters is... the Patriots will teach you to believe in America!
Memphis Belle - ... You Will Believe!
~A voice clearing can be heard nearby. The camera pans, showing that The Spruce Goose and Memphis Belle are actually up on the roof above the garage. Down below, Zybala is looking up at them.~
Zybala: Hey guys, I love the enthusiasm, but I really need you off the roof. Thanks!
~They nod and start to carefully head over to where they climbed up. Whether they get down safely or not is unknown because the camera goes back in the yard, following Zybala. Intermission is winding down and Belvedere is back in the ring.~
Belvedere: The following tournament match is scheduled for one fall.
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: And it's your main event of the evening! Coming to the ring first, hailing from the Cinnabar Islands, weighing in tonight at 0.13 metric tons, he is Soot Losem!!
~ The speakers come alive with a power metal cord starting to play. "Gotta Catch Em All" by PowerGlove hits the speakers as The Yardies.......mummer? Talking amongst themselves is more like. Nobody shows interest in Soot Losem as he makes his way to the ring. Some even mock his fanny pack, calling him a Tony the Spider ripoff. He hops up on the apron, slips through the ropes and into the ring. The music stops and Belvedere continues. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent… standing 6'1" and weighing 330 lbs… from Charleston, South Carolina... he is a former United X-Division champion... This is AARON WARTHOG!!
"Everyone knows I'm Hog Wild!"
~ The Yardies cheer as Hank Williams Jr starts to play over the speakers. Aaron Warthog comes out, standing in the doorway, facing the audience. Warthog starts down to the ring, looking a bit confused about actually wrestling in the home of Outsider. He enters the ring and looks at Losem. The confusion is then replaced with a look of confidence. Warthog's music ends and Mitch calls for the bell. The fans cheer as the match gets underway. ~
Zybala: And here we go!
Dean: Let's see what this sucka can do against a former champ.
Zybala: I hope Warthog kicks his ass.
Dean: Soot helped that sucka Welsh ONCE. Do you think it's time to let it go?
Zybala: Nope.
~ Warthog wastes no time as he charges at Losem, who screams in fear and goes to cower in the corner. The fans laugh at this cowardice, but Warthog shows no pity. He runs over and grabs Losem by the head, dragging him to the middle of the ring. Losem is screaming "No!" over and over but Warthog is here to kick ass and give fucks; and he's all out of fucks. He kicks Losem in the midsection then grabs him in a front face lock. Warthog starts delivering multiple knee strikes to Losem before spiking his head to the mat with a vicious d.d.t.! Losem is rolling around on the mat, holding his head in pain. The fans cheer as Warthog poses. Losem crawls to the ropes and uses them to pull himself up. He glares at Warthog while reaching into his fanny pack. ~
Zybala: He's reaching for a weapon! Get that d.q. ready Mitch!
Dean: He could just be getting hand sanitizer.
~ Losem glare turns into a look of smugness. His hand emerges from the fanny pack and he is holding a pokéball! The Yardies cheer for the nerd nostalgia as Losem shouts "Go Caterpie!" He then opens the ball, walks up to Warthog and gently shakes out a caterpillar onto Warthog's hand. Warthog holds up the hand to look at the tiny bug, and raises his other hand as if to smash it! The fans boo and start shouting NO! as Losem starts pleading with the big guy. Warthog leaves the ring, walks over to a nearby tree and gently places the bug on a branch. He then turns and heads back to the ring. As he reaches the apron, Warthog is met with two feet to the chest as Losem executes a baseball slide! Warthog barely budges as Losem gets up and runs at the ropes. He tries another baseball slide, but Warthog sidesteps the attack. Losem lands on the grass, but quickly recovers as he tries to crawl under the ring. Warthog puts a stop to this when he grabs Soot's ankle and starts pulling. Soot is yelling at him to let go as we hear the sound of grass being pulled from the ground. Warthog gets Losem out from under the ring and yanks him to his feet, only to have Losem throw a handful of grass in his face! Warthog tries to clear his eyes of the green stuff as Losem gets back in the ring and begs Mitch to hurry up and count. ~
Zybala: It looks like this dingus is trying to win by count-out.
Dean: Any win counts, sucka. Especially when you're 200 pounds lighter than your opponent.
~ Mitch reaches the count of 7 when Warthog manages to clear his eyes from the grass and dirt. He climbs back into the ring before Mitch even reaches 9. Losem looks scared and panicked. He reaches into the fanny pack and pulls out another pokéball. This one he throws at Warthog! The ball bounces off of Warthog's chest and opens and……. does nothing because this is the real world and Warthog isn't a fictional animal. He is also not amused. He growls as he charges at Losem and damn near breaks him in half with a vicious Stampede! Warthog covers Losem and Mitch makes the count. ~
Mitch: One……. Two……. Three!!
Belvedere: Here is your winner and moving onto the next round…. Aaron Warthog!!
~ Warthog gets up and then has his arm raised by Mitch as the Yardies cheer. Warthog doesn't look satisfied with the ass kicking he just administered. He picks up Losem, runs at the ropes and Stampedes Soot again! The Yardies start chanting Warthog's name as "Hot Wild" starts to play over the speakers. Warthog celebrates as Mitch helps Losem out of the ring. ~
Dean: Warthog showing that he wants to win this tourney with that impressive victory.
Zybala: True enough, but we still have a stacked field. Barry, Allton, and Zeus just to name a few.
Dean: Plus we still got Tony The Spider going against JAM G, and Vic Vinegar versus Blue Thunder next week.
Zybala: It's still anybody's tournament. That's all we got for this week folks. For Dean, I'm Mike Zybala saying Good Fight, Good Night.