Post by President Dean on Aug 23, 2017 20:37:28 GMT -5
A shitty boom box is placed atop a cheap, fold out table. The play button is triggered. The beat to DA FUNK starts to play. A loud crowd is heard cheering. We zoom out with anticipation only to find that about fifteen people are in attendance. The crowd noise is obviously part of the song. Standing over the boom box is DEAN. He’s got a CLASSIC OCW, BABY t-shirt on along with a pair of board shorts. Shades cover his tired eyes. He takes a seat at the ‘announce’ table. Another cheap fold out table with upside buckets for chairs. Mike Zybala is already seated in his spot. They have head phones on…but there is no PA system. So it’s all for show~
President Dean: What’s up SUCKAS! It’s Outsider wrestling time!
~The fifteen or so fans go wild. They appear to be comprised of neighbors with nothing better to do. A giant trash can filled with ice and PABST BLUE RIBBON is the communal hub. They are getting LIT.~
President Dean: I would like to thank are unknowing sponsor PABST BLUE RIBBON for bringing all of this action…or well, for providing an electric atmosphere surrounding all the impending action!
Zybala: And a special thanks to Emilio's wife for putting up with us. Deano, let's take it to the ring!
~Dean stands and enters the ring. It’s cheap and shitty. It looks almost dangerous. The ring posts are skinny metal stakes. The ropes are thick string. The canvas is flimsy and there are no aprons…just bare space underneath. There are no steps, either. Dean is in the middle of the ring with a USPS package in his hands. With Dean's back to to him, Zybala pulls out a cellphone shaped flask, unscrews the top and takes a quick swig before topping it and putting it away. Zybala refuses to drink PBR after what happened last time.... You don't need to know...~
President Dean: I would like to announce that at the conclusion of these tapings the first ever Outsider Champion will be announced! Now, allow me to show off the brand new Outsider Championship!
~Dean rips apart the USPS packaging and holds up the OLD OCW US Title. The fans in attendance hoot and holler. Dean raises the roof with the title~
President Dean: Yea! Suck on that, Buffet! This title, held by former greats such as El Linchador, Silver Cyanide, Mario Maurako, Tommy Crimson, D Double D, and Scorpion will be handed to the most impressive wrestler over the next three weeks. So…let’s get this shit started!
~The fans roar. A can of PBR flies through the air. Dean exits the ring and resumes his seat next to Zybala~
President Dean: Alright Mike…let’s place the title right here in front of us. Sorry about the smell, it was buried in my garage for a long ass time.
Zybala: Trust me, I've smelled worse in my career I remember one time in Boardwalk when Meyhu had Mexican food and stunk up the bathroom for forty minutes!
~The title is old and scratched up. It’s got OUTSIDER written in black spray paint across the old logo~
Jam G vs. The Gimp
~Dean pulls out an old, shitty laptop. He pulls up YOUTUBE and performs a search. He presses play on a video. Suddenly, an illegally uploaded version of “No one knows” by Queens of The Stone Age. Dean tries to look surprised~
President: Why, Mike…is that…could that be…JUST ANOTHER MASKED GUY’S THEME?
Zybala: (playing along) My God! I think it is! We will find out shortly.
~The side, wooden gate swings open and JAM G leaps into view. He doesn’t get much height. He lands on both feet and looks around, mysteriously. The crowd chants “JAM G!” JAM G rushes toward the ring and slides in. He pops to his feet and continues to look around mysteriously~
President Dean: Just Another Masked Guy…who, we will come to know as JAM G
Zybala: He is so mysterious!!!
~Dean performs another youtube search. He hits play. OH YEA BROTHER sounds out. Dean rushes to fast forward. Suddenly the opening chords to Real American by Rick Derringer sound out. Dean leans back, sighing with relief~
President Dean: Sorry about that, folks…must have just some over zealous fan!
Zybala: Some old, orange, racist comment making fan.....
~The Gimp steps out from behind the same gate. He’s got one leg but a full head of hair. He sings the lyrics to his song while approaching the ring. He climbs in. Dean searches “Bell” on youtube. He clicks play. A bell rings~
President Dean: And we are underway here on
Mike Zybala: We have no ref!
President Dean: Damnit
~Dean looks around. One of the fans rushes toward the ring, sliding in with his beer secured firmly within the grip of his right hand. None of it spills. This man is a pro. He pops to his feet~
President Dean: There we go! All set!
Zybala: Unlike Smith of the other OCW announce team, this man knows how to respect an alcoholic beverage! Let the action commence!!
~JAM G rushes at The Gimp. He leaps into the air. The Gimp catches him but falls to one knee while doing so. He struggles to his feet. He yells out “MURICA!” He goes for a slam but drops JAM G on his head. The crowd winces~
President Dean: Yikes…a MICHINOKU DRIVER, EVERYBODY!
Zybala: Didn't you hear Gimp? That was The 'Murica Driver!! But Jam G is shrugging it off! What spirit!
~JAM G stumbles to his feet. He runs into the ref. He spots the Pabst and asks for a sip. The ref says no. He turns around…The Gimp goes for a big boot but his fake leg gives out! He falls to the mat, reaching for the prosthetic~
President Dean: And there is the danger of wrestling with only one leg.
Zybala: But you still have to admire him attempting a big boot despite the handicap.
~JAM G fires up! The crowd claps along to a “JAM G” chant. JAM G heads for the corner. He tries to climb but finds the task nearly impossible. The Gimp, meanwhile, removes his prosthetic leg~
President Dean: The Gimp is going to gimp it for the rest of the match, apparently. Prosthetic leg be damned!
Zybala: He's showing more heart than a certain former world champion who's name sounds like Mayo!!
~Jam G rushes over…he spots The Gimp removing his leg. He tries to rip the leg from The Gimp. The Gimp yanks it away, displaying his superior strength. Jam G throws a kick at The Gimp’s head. The Gimp catches Jam G’s leg and holds on. Jam G hops around…The Gimp yells “HOW DOES IT FEEL?”~
President Dean: JAM G finding out what life as a gimp feels like!
Zybala: Would you say Gimp now has a "leg up" on the competition?
~Jam G tries an enziguri but doesn’t quite get his leg up all the way. He lands on the mat, hard. The Gimp stands with his prosthetic leg in his hands. He has tremendous balance on one leg. He starts to beat Jam G with his leg~
President Dean: Well this is certainly unique! It appears as though our referee…Ref 1 is going to allow it!
Zybala: Technically, Gimp is just stomping Jam G. The prosthetic started out as his leg so maybe the ref is considering this a modified version of stomping a missile in someone?
~The Gimp pulls JAM G up and hooks him for a rock bottom. He rubs the bottom of his fake foot into JAM G’s face. He then whips JAM G down with the End of Days! He makes the cover~
1!
2!
3!!!
~The fifteen people go wild! PBR cans fly through the air~
President Dean: My goodness what a match! This Gimp guy is a star in the making!
Zybala: He did put on a good showing so far, but we still have a full roster to see in action. But if they want to climb the ladder to the top, they'll have to watch out for Gimp!
~Emilio steps out from a sliding glass door. He’s got a plate of boiled hot dogs~
Emilio: WARM HOT DOGS! WARM HOT DOGS HERE!
President Dean: Now that’s what I’m talkin about, sucka! I’m gonna go grab one!
Emilio: Five dollars, Dean!
President Dean: FIVE DOLLARS? Are you kidding me?
Emilio: Hey, you told me I could sell concession
President Dean: Well how about a little…Dean-o Discount?
Emilio: Oh, al
~A shrilly, bitchy voice yells out from inside the house. We don’t see her face~
Emilio’s Wife’s Voice: DON’T YOU LISTEN TO HIM EMILIO! WE’RE ALREADY PUT OUT ENOUGH HOSTING THIS SHIT. IT’S FIVE DOLLARS OR NO FOOD!
~Sheepishly, Emilio shrugs. Dean curses and heads back to the announce table~
President Dean: Let’s get to our next fucking match
River Echo vs. Cori Haim
~He pulls up Youtube and finds a clip. "Disciple" by Slayer starts to play. One man yells “I FUCKING LOVE SLAYER” The side gate opens and RIVER ECHO appears with a rattle snake around his neck~
President Dean: Geebus! That’s a rattle snake, sucka! Those things bite
Zybala: Where the hell is he gonna put that?? I'm not watching it!
~Echo reaches the ring with the snake in tow~
President Dean: Fuck this shit…let’s hurry up and get the other opponent out here
~Dean finds another song. Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds starts up. Zybala stands up and thrusts one fist in the air as the fans in the backyard sing along~
President Dean: It’s Cori Haim!
Female Fan: AHHHH! I LOVE HIM!
Zybala: Isn't he dead?
President Dean: It’s a fucking her!
Female Fan: What? He’s transgendered?
Zybala: Does that mean we're gonna be attacked by vampires?
President Dean: Well, umm, I don’t know, exactly…I just know this bitch is missing an arm
Zybala: Probably ripped of by some vampire scum. Too bad Corey Feldman wasn't there to protect her. Dude kicked vampire ass on the daily way back when. And he killed Jason Vorhees.
~Haim appears and bumps her arm stump into the fence. She appears to be a little under the influence. She reaches the ring and rolls, sloppily in under the bottom rope. Dean plays the Bell sound~
Female Fan: I LOVE YOU COREY!
Cori Haim: TOSS ME A BEER
~The female fan tosses Cori a PBR. Cori catches it and takes a sip. River walks up with the snake around his neck. He spins Cori around and throws a punch…it hits Cori in the face. Cori takes another sip of beer. River punches her again and again~
President Dean: She refuses to put the beer down and fight back! Having one arm in a wrestling match seems to be quite the handicap…especially if you like beer!
Zybala: She wouldn't be getting her ass kicked if she had Feldman here. Or just put down the beer. But I guess she wants to finish it before it gets skunky, which takes approximately 4 minutes for Pabst.
~Echo smiles and removes the snake. He tosses it at Haim. She freaks out…he then elbows her in the head…she falls to the mat, spilling her PBR everywhere. Echo covers her with one foot~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~Dean plays the bell sound~
President Dean: What a win for River Echo…now if he can get that fucking snake out of here!
Zybala: And someone drag Haim out of here before she attracts vampires. I only have so many stakes in my car trunk.
President Dean: You carry stakes in your trunk in case of vampire attacks?
Zybala:..... You don't?
To be continued...
President Dean: What’s up SUCKAS! It’s Outsider wrestling time!
~The fifteen or so fans go wild. They appear to be comprised of neighbors with nothing better to do. A giant trash can filled with ice and PABST BLUE RIBBON is the communal hub. They are getting LIT.~
President Dean: I would like to thank are unknowing sponsor PABST BLUE RIBBON for bringing all of this action…or well, for providing an electric atmosphere surrounding all the impending action!
Zybala: And a special thanks to Emilio's wife for putting up with us. Deano, let's take it to the ring!
~Dean stands and enters the ring. It’s cheap and shitty. It looks almost dangerous. The ring posts are skinny metal stakes. The ropes are thick string. The canvas is flimsy and there are no aprons…just bare space underneath. There are no steps, either. Dean is in the middle of the ring with a USPS package in his hands. With Dean's back to to him, Zybala pulls out a cellphone shaped flask, unscrews the top and takes a quick swig before topping it and putting it away. Zybala refuses to drink PBR after what happened last time.... You don't need to know...~
President Dean: I would like to announce that at the conclusion of these tapings the first ever Outsider Champion will be announced! Now, allow me to show off the brand new Outsider Championship!
~Dean rips apart the USPS packaging and holds up the OLD OCW US Title. The fans in attendance hoot and holler. Dean raises the roof with the title~
President Dean: Yea! Suck on that, Buffet! This title, held by former greats such as El Linchador, Silver Cyanide, Mario Maurako, Tommy Crimson, D Double D, and Scorpion will be handed to the most impressive wrestler over the next three weeks. So…let’s get this shit started!
~The fans roar. A can of PBR flies through the air. Dean exits the ring and resumes his seat next to Zybala~
President Dean: Alright Mike…let’s place the title right here in front of us. Sorry about the smell, it was buried in my garage for a long ass time.
Zybala: Trust me, I've smelled worse in my career I remember one time in Boardwalk when Meyhu had Mexican food and stunk up the bathroom for forty minutes!
~The title is old and scratched up. It’s got OUTSIDER written in black spray paint across the old logo~
Jam G vs. The Gimp
~Dean pulls out an old, shitty laptop. He pulls up YOUTUBE and performs a search. He presses play on a video. Suddenly, an illegally uploaded version of “No one knows” by Queens of The Stone Age. Dean tries to look surprised~
President: Why, Mike…is that…could that be…JUST ANOTHER MASKED GUY’S THEME?
Zybala: (playing along) My God! I think it is! We will find out shortly.
~The side, wooden gate swings open and JAM G leaps into view. He doesn’t get much height. He lands on both feet and looks around, mysteriously. The crowd chants “JAM G!” JAM G rushes toward the ring and slides in. He pops to his feet and continues to look around mysteriously~
President Dean: Just Another Masked Guy…who, we will come to know as JAM G
Zybala: He is so mysterious!!!
~Dean performs another youtube search. He hits play. OH YEA BROTHER sounds out. Dean rushes to fast forward. Suddenly the opening chords to Real American by Rick Derringer sound out. Dean leans back, sighing with relief~
President Dean: Sorry about that, folks…must have just some over zealous fan!
Zybala: Some old, orange, racist comment making fan.....
~The Gimp steps out from behind the same gate. He’s got one leg but a full head of hair. He sings the lyrics to his song while approaching the ring. He climbs in. Dean searches “Bell” on youtube. He clicks play. A bell rings~
President Dean: And we are underway here on
Mike Zybala: We have no ref!
President Dean: Damnit
~Dean looks around. One of the fans rushes toward the ring, sliding in with his beer secured firmly within the grip of his right hand. None of it spills. This man is a pro. He pops to his feet~
President Dean: There we go! All set!
Zybala: Unlike Smith of the other OCW announce team, this man knows how to respect an alcoholic beverage! Let the action commence!!
~JAM G rushes at The Gimp. He leaps into the air. The Gimp catches him but falls to one knee while doing so. He struggles to his feet. He yells out “MURICA!” He goes for a slam but drops JAM G on his head. The crowd winces~
President Dean: Yikes…a MICHINOKU DRIVER, EVERYBODY!
Zybala: Didn't you hear Gimp? That was The 'Murica Driver!! But Jam G is shrugging it off! What spirit!
~JAM G stumbles to his feet. He runs into the ref. He spots the Pabst and asks for a sip. The ref says no. He turns around…The Gimp goes for a big boot but his fake leg gives out! He falls to the mat, reaching for the prosthetic~
President Dean: And there is the danger of wrestling with only one leg.
Zybala: But you still have to admire him attempting a big boot despite the handicap.
~JAM G fires up! The crowd claps along to a “JAM G” chant. JAM G heads for the corner. He tries to climb but finds the task nearly impossible. The Gimp, meanwhile, removes his prosthetic leg~
President Dean: The Gimp is going to gimp it for the rest of the match, apparently. Prosthetic leg be damned!
Zybala: He's showing more heart than a certain former world champion who's name sounds like Mayo!!
~Jam G rushes over…he spots The Gimp removing his leg. He tries to rip the leg from The Gimp. The Gimp yanks it away, displaying his superior strength. Jam G throws a kick at The Gimp’s head. The Gimp catches Jam G’s leg and holds on. Jam G hops around…The Gimp yells “HOW DOES IT FEEL?”~
President Dean: JAM G finding out what life as a gimp feels like!
Zybala: Would you say Gimp now has a "leg up" on the competition?
~Jam G tries an enziguri but doesn’t quite get his leg up all the way. He lands on the mat, hard. The Gimp stands with his prosthetic leg in his hands. He has tremendous balance on one leg. He starts to beat Jam G with his leg~
President Dean: Well this is certainly unique! It appears as though our referee…Ref 1 is going to allow it!
Zybala: Technically, Gimp is just stomping Jam G. The prosthetic started out as his leg so maybe the ref is considering this a modified version of stomping a missile in someone?
~The Gimp pulls JAM G up and hooks him for a rock bottom. He rubs the bottom of his fake foot into JAM G’s face. He then whips JAM G down with the End of Days! He makes the cover~
1!
2!
3!!!
~The fifteen people go wild! PBR cans fly through the air~
President Dean: My goodness what a match! This Gimp guy is a star in the making!
Zybala: He did put on a good showing so far, but we still have a full roster to see in action. But if they want to climb the ladder to the top, they'll have to watch out for Gimp!
~Emilio steps out from a sliding glass door. He’s got a plate of boiled hot dogs~
Emilio: WARM HOT DOGS! WARM HOT DOGS HERE!
President Dean: Now that’s what I’m talkin about, sucka! I’m gonna go grab one!
Emilio: Five dollars, Dean!
President Dean: FIVE DOLLARS? Are you kidding me?
Emilio: Hey, you told me I could sell concession
President Dean: Well how about a little…Dean-o Discount?
Emilio: Oh, al
~A shrilly, bitchy voice yells out from inside the house. We don’t see her face~
Emilio’s Wife’s Voice: DON’T YOU LISTEN TO HIM EMILIO! WE’RE ALREADY PUT OUT ENOUGH HOSTING THIS SHIT. IT’S FIVE DOLLARS OR NO FOOD!
~Sheepishly, Emilio shrugs. Dean curses and heads back to the announce table~
President Dean: Let’s get to our next fucking match
River Echo vs. Cori Haim
~He pulls up Youtube and finds a clip. "Disciple" by Slayer starts to play. One man yells “I FUCKING LOVE SLAYER” The side gate opens and RIVER ECHO appears with a rattle snake around his neck~
President Dean: Geebus! That’s a rattle snake, sucka! Those things bite
Zybala: Where the hell is he gonna put that?? I'm not watching it!
~Echo reaches the ring with the snake in tow~
President Dean: Fuck this shit…let’s hurry up and get the other opponent out here
~Dean finds another song. Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds starts up. Zybala stands up and thrusts one fist in the air as the fans in the backyard sing along~
President Dean: It’s Cori Haim!
Female Fan: AHHHH! I LOVE HIM!
Zybala: Isn't he dead?
President Dean: It’s a fucking her!
Female Fan: What? He’s transgendered?
Zybala: Does that mean we're gonna be attacked by vampires?
President Dean: Well, umm, I don’t know, exactly…I just know this bitch is missing an arm
Zybala: Probably ripped of by some vampire scum. Too bad Corey Feldman wasn't there to protect her. Dude kicked vampire ass on the daily way back when. And he killed Jason Vorhees.
~Haim appears and bumps her arm stump into the fence. She appears to be a little under the influence. She reaches the ring and rolls, sloppily in under the bottom rope. Dean plays the Bell sound~
Female Fan: I LOVE YOU COREY!
Cori Haim: TOSS ME A BEER
~The female fan tosses Cori a PBR. Cori catches it and takes a sip. River walks up with the snake around his neck. He spins Cori around and throws a punch…it hits Cori in the face. Cori takes another sip of beer. River punches her again and again~
President Dean: She refuses to put the beer down and fight back! Having one arm in a wrestling match seems to be quite the handicap…especially if you like beer!
Zybala: She wouldn't be getting her ass kicked if she had Feldman here. Or just put down the beer. But I guess she wants to finish it before it gets skunky, which takes approximately 4 minutes for Pabst.
~Echo smiles and removes the snake. He tosses it at Haim. She freaks out…he then elbows her in the head…she falls to the mat, spilling her PBR everywhere. Echo covers her with one foot~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~Dean plays the bell sound~
President Dean: What a win for River Echo…now if he can get that fucking snake out of here!
Zybala: And someone drag Haim out of here before she attracts vampires. I only have so many stakes in my car trunk.
President Dean: You carry stakes in your trunk in case of vampire attacks?
Zybala:..... You don't?
To be continued...