Post by Johnny "Money Bags" Beckman on Mar 20, 2023 1:22:24 GMT -5
(Between internet swipes your loser soul sees this sponsored video...)
“Dreams become real under bright lights.”
(The Hollywood Sign shines over Tinsel Town.)
“Dreams awake in the strangest of places.”
(A Wrestling ring sits in a sea of fans.)
“Dreams are born from scary memories.”
(a grainy feed from a camcorder shows a filthy casting couch.)
“Dreams often end in disappointment.”
(Puddles of blood stain a wrestling mat.)
“Dreams become nightmares.”
(Robert Downy Jr. in handcuffs, Lindsey Lohan entering Rehab, Mel Gibson ranting about Jews.)
“Nightmares eat dreams.”
(A dented chair lays ringside as EMTs rush to help.)
(The scene starts on the bright California sun, then pans across the bright white Hollywood sign, before zooming into the backyard of the mansion that gets to enjoy this view. Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman immediately makes your life better the moment he walks into the camera shot.)
“The world of Hollywood and the world of Wrestling are more alike than either side would ever like to admit; heroes and villains, stories told via a cast of characters, fake tans, gym muscles, rehearsed lines, all driven by a river of drugs. But most importantly, the cream of the crop in both industries are the ones who understand how to use others successfully, when to stab friends in the back, and truly have a God given talent for the business. And I am the best of both those worlds...A King of Hollywood...A God of Wrestling...I am Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman.”
(He poses for the camera like Michelangelo is currently painting him.)
“I have returned to competition in the ring for many reasons. I see value in supporting Team Vicky. We speak a very similar language. Second, my ego deserves a win, much like a plow horse deserves an apple after a hard day's work. Third, I am a Beckman, I enjoy hurting others. I evict the poor for fun, I get young talent blacklisted, and now I can once again, smile at the sound of me snapping another’s joint. But the real reason I came back, to wrestling, to the ring, to the mic, is for you.”
(His million-dollar smile stretches along his strong jawline.)
“I have created an eight-part series that truly will save you from your current failed existence. Why eight steps? Our research shows that is the highest your average wrestling fan can count. Now, one could argue my greatness comes from my blue blood, my trust fund, my silver spoon. But my greatness flows from an ego I have nurtured since the first time I realized I was the best baby in the hospital nursey. And this program is your ticket to that very same mindset. Trust me, follow my words, I will lead you out of the darkness, I will help you find the light. I am your savoir. I am your God. You’re Welcome.”
(Your loser soul speaks through your finger as you click the sponsored link.)
Johnny Beckman Saves Your Life (Audio Book)
Part One: Why you need me.
The average wrestling fan is drowning in a sea of debt.
“I gave three times today at the plasma clinic, we just might make rent this month.”
The average wrestling fan has a pile of domestic assault charges.
“Yes officer, I live in a single-story house, but I'm sticking to my story, she fell down the stairs.”
The average wrestling fan is stuck in a meaningless dead-end job.
“Who needs a pay raise when you get a pizza party every month.”
Part Two: Why I deserve to be your Savior.
I have experience in the world of business.
“I’m not firing you; I’m giving you the gift of time with your family of ten.”
I have experience in the world of Hollywood.
“That casting couch actually folds out into a bed.”
I have experience in the world of wrestling.
“Do I get a bonus if I end this jobber’s career?”
Part Three: What I can teach you.
Giving is a useless gift.
“That fish was good, but I still don’t know how to fish.”
Honor is a poor man’s hustle.
“A $20 reward? That wallet I returned had $500 in it.”
Respect means nothing to Saint Peter.
“Being the U.S. President is cool, but it doesn’t dissolve any of your many, many sins of adultery.”
Part Four: Find value in knowing thy friends.
Vicky Stone
“She speaks a language so greatly self-centered you have to buy her autobiography to understand it.”
Old School, Ollie
“Anyone who farts on others and then expects a thank you in return understands the assignment.”
Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman
“Self-awareness as a God keeps you humble enough to recognize and remember the average people. You’re Welcome, listeners.”
Part Five: Find pity in knowing thy enemies.
Fanny
“You have the personality of an ass, and name to match.”
Soot Losem
“You’re about to catch them all, from the Bank Roll to the Money Drop to the Rich Man’s Burden.”
Max Rotten
“Vengeance comes from a place a passion. And you care more about your McDonalds order than Gilbert.”
Part Six: Seeking victory in a cage of meat.
Don’t play chicken.
“Touching raw chicken is a breeding ground for salmonella.”
Where’s the beef?
“Cheap steaks are tough to cut through.”
Embracing the insanity.
“Meet the meat, before the meat meets you.”
Part Seven: How to apply these lessons to your life.
Making friends.
“You hate those who differ from you, so do I!”
Making enemies.
“You differ from me, I hate you.”
Winning.
“Losers feed on dust; winners feed on losers.”
Part Eight: The Conclusion
What do you do now?
“How much is the update to the Johnny Beckman program?”
How do you spread the good word?
“Remember no solicitors sign don’t apply to us.”
And just keep watching Johnny Beckman videos.
“I like how his Money Bags nickname makes me think I’ll be rich soon if I keep re-listening to this audio book.”
(The audio book ends.)
The Top Ten Reasons Team Fanny doesn’t win at Dystopia 31
#10. Soot’s mom refuses to sign the liability paperwork.
#9. The rotten meat cage distracts Max’s appetite.
#8. Fanny gets arrested as her multiple “disturbing the peace” warrants catch up with her.
#7. Ollie pulls a suicide bomber like move.
#6. Gilbert “honorably” subs in for Max Rotten.
#5. Soot leaves ringside to capture a Charmander on Pokémon Go.
#4. Vicky pays off the ref.
#3. Fanny’s pre-match “pep talk” entitled, “We’re Fucked”.
#2: The event doesn’t happen, because no one cares about Dystopia.
#1: Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman
(A shaky camera feed catches a drunk Johnny just before the promo ends.)
“Why did I really join OCW outsiders? Ever since OCW heard the name Beckman, we’ve been outsiders. My brother Natural ICE, was too talented. He threatened a lot of old school voices who feared losing their roots and being blown away by the winds of the future. Well, those gas bags got their way, my brother is gone. I hope they’re enjoying their dying kingdom.”
“Dreams become real under bright lights.”
(The Hollywood Sign shines over Tinsel Town.)
“Dreams awake in the strangest of places.”
(A Wrestling ring sits in a sea of fans.)
“Dreams are born from scary memories.”
(a grainy feed from a camcorder shows a filthy casting couch.)
“Dreams often end in disappointment.”
(Puddles of blood stain a wrestling mat.)
“Dreams become nightmares.”
(Robert Downy Jr. in handcuffs, Lindsey Lohan entering Rehab, Mel Gibson ranting about Jews.)
“Nightmares eat dreams.”
(A dented chair lays ringside as EMTs rush to help.)
(The scene starts on the bright California sun, then pans across the bright white Hollywood sign, before zooming into the backyard of the mansion that gets to enjoy this view. Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman immediately makes your life better the moment he walks into the camera shot.)
“The world of Hollywood and the world of Wrestling are more alike than either side would ever like to admit; heroes and villains, stories told via a cast of characters, fake tans, gym muscles, rehearsed lines, all driven by a river of drugs. But most importantly, the cream of the crop in both industries are the ones who understand how to use others successfully, when to stab friends in the back, and truly have a God given talent for the business. And I am the best of both those worlds...A King of Hollywood...A God of Wrestling...I am Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman.”
(He poses for the camera like Michelangelo is currently painting him.)
“I have returned to competition in the ring for many reasons. I see value in supporting Team Vicky. We speak a very similar language. Second, my ego deserves a win, much like a plow horse deserves an apple after a hard day's work. Third, I am a Beckman, I enjoy hurting others. I evict the poor for fun, I get young talent blacklisted, and now I can once again, smile at the sound of me snapping another’s joint. But the real reason I came back, to wrestling, to the ring, to the mic, is for you.”
(His million-dollar smile stretches along his strong jawline.)
“I have created an eight-part series that truly will save you from your current failed existence. Why eight steps? Our research shows that is the highest your average wrestling fan can count. Now, one could argue my greatness comes from my blue blood, my trust fund, my silver spoon. But my greatness flows from an ego I have nurtured since the first time I realized I was the best baby in the hospital nursey. And this program is your ticket to that very same mindset. Trust me, follow my words, I will lead you out of the darkness, I will help you find the light. I am your savoir. I am your God. You’re Welcome.”
(Your loser soul speaks through your finger as you click the sponsored link.)
Johnny Beckman Saves Your Life (Audio Book)
Part One: Why you need me.
The average wrestling fan is drowning in a sea of debt.
“I gave three times today at the plasma clinic, we just might make rent this month.”
The average wrestling fan has a pile of domestic assault charges.
“Yes officer, I live in a single-story house, but I'm sticking to my story, she fell down the stairs.”
The average wrestling fan is stuck in a meaningless dead-end job.
“Who needs a pay raise when you get a pizza party every month.”
Part Two: Why I deserve to be your Savior.
I have experience in the world of business.
“I’m not firing you; I’m giving you the gift of time with your family of ten.”
I have experience in the world of Hollywood.
“That casting couch actually folds out into a bed.”
I have experience in the world of wrestling.
“Do I get a bonus if I end this jobber’s career?”
Part Three: What I can teach you.
Giving is a useless gift.
“That fish was good, but I still don’t know how to fish.”
Honor is a poor man’s hustle.
“A $20 reward? That wallet I returned had $500 in it.”
Respect means nothing to Saint Peter.
“Being the U.S. President is cool, but it doesn’t dissolve any of your many, many sins of adultery.”
Part Four: Find value in knowing thy friends.
Vicky Stone
“She speaks a language so greatly self-centered you have to buy her autobiography to understand it.”
Old School, Ollie
“Anyone who farts on others and then expects a thank you in return understands the assignment.”
Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman
“Self-awareness as a God keeps you humble enough to recognize and remember the average people. You’re Welcome, listeners.”
Part Five: Find pity in knowing thy enemies.
Fanny
“You have the personality of an ass, and name to match.”
Soot Losem
“You’re about to catch them all, from the Bank Roll to the Money Drop to the Rich Man’s Burden.”
Max Rotten
“Vengeance comes from a place a passion. And you care more about your McDonalds order than Gilbert.”
Part Six: Seeking victory in a cage of meat.
Don’t play chicken.
“Touching raw chicken is a breeding ground for salmonella.”
Where’s the beef?
“Cheap steaks are tough to cut through.”
Embracing the insanity.
“Meet the meat, before the meat meets you.”
Part Seven: How to apply these lessons to your life.
Making friends.
“You hate those who differ from you, so do I!”
Making enemies.
“You differ from me, I hate you.”
Winning.
“Losers feed on dust; winners feed on losers.”
Part Eight: The Conclusion
What do you do now?
“How much is the update to the Johnny Beckman program?”
How do you spread the good word?
“Remember no solicitors sign don’t apply to us.”
And just keep watching Johnny Beckman videos.
“I like how his Money Bags nickname makes me think I’ll be rich soon if I keep re-listening to this audio book.”
(The audio book ends.)
The Top Ten Reasons Team Fanny doesn’t win at Dystopia 31
#10. Soot’s mom refuses to sign the liability paperwork.
#9. The rotten meat cage distracts Max’s appetite.
#8. Fanny gets arrested as her multiple “disturbing the peace” warrants catch up with her.
#7. Ollie pulls a suicide bomber like move.
#6. Gilbert “honorably” subs in for Max Rotten.
#5. Soot leaves ringside to capture a Charmander on Pokémon Go.
#4. Vicky pays off the ref.
#3. Fanny’s pre-match “pep talk” entitled, “We’re Fucked”.
#2: The event doesn’t happen, because no one cares about Dystopia.
#1: Johnny “Money Bags” Beckman
(A shaky camera feed catches a drunk Johnny just before the promo ends.)
“Why did I really join OCW outsiders? Ever since OCW heard the name Beckman, we’ve been outsiders. My brother Natural ICE, was too talented. He threatened a lot of old school voices who feared losing their roots and being blown away by the winds of the future. Well, those gas bags got their way, my brother is gone. I hope they’re enjoying their dying kingdom.”