The Gentlemen's Games: The Untimely Death of Ehud of Moab

[Plethora the Perilous]

COLUMBUS OHIO, JANUARY 26 2023

The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of Alice Knight with a rock from yesterday. We see her walk over and kill the dog she had injured. Then we see her walking toward the young boy she had also hurt, holding the rock. Another flash of static and we see Ehud and Alice racing around the building, with Ehud walking very slowly and Alice walking confidently past him. Another flash of static and we see Kent, Larry the Prison Guard, and The Bailiff blackmailing Bifford and threatening to reveal the secrets of his crimes. We see the young boy who Bifford signed an autograph for murder Kent, his eyes glowing to show he was possessed by Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Then we see Larry the Prison Guard being strangled by the same young boy in the same way. The screen goes black.

Narrator (obviously Alice): They say there are no good and bad people in the current era, just shades of gray. The Big Bifford has sought to make amends for the many wrongs he has done, his redemption story - while not ideal, continues. But what of Alice Knight? Did she kill a child with a rock? Are there really only shades of gray in this world..?

Another flash of static and the scene opens with Bifford, Alice Knight, Earl the Popcorn Salesman, Kenny the Intern, and the lawyer Cornelius Cook sitting at the defense table. The Bailiff that is blackmailing Bifford is standing to the left of the judge. Judge Peeples looks up from her stack of papers and makes eye contact with Cornelius Cook. "You may proceed with your opening statement for the defense's case, Mr. Cook," she said as she set down the papers. Cornelius stood up and straightened his tie - he was a showman and put on his most charismatic face as he walked in front of the jury.

Cornelius: What is prejudice? It's an opinion that is not based on reason, it's not based on your actual experiences.. it's based on preconceived notions that you hold. People who have felt the sting of prejudice know in their hearts how horrible it is. And do you know who feels prejudice the most in this country? I stand before you as an African American and swear it is not that. No, no, no.. It is not that. It's whether or not you wear glasses! People see someone wearing glasses and they might think things - nerd, book worm, library geek.. or they might even jump further and think criminal, cannibal, butcherer of human flesh.. but eyewear does not tell us that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury..

Cornelius continued his bizarre opening statement, but was so charismatic that people were drawn into it. Kenny leans over, whispering to Earl.

Kenny: Why is Alice Knight here?

Earl: She and Bifford are teaming up at the pay per view.

Kenny: What?

Earl: It's a long story bro.. but I think she killed some kid with a rock..

Kenny: What? That makes no sense. Who are they fighting?

Earl: The Dimeman and William Whiskey.

Cornelius continues his spiel and has shifted to try to cast doubt on DNA evidence. Bifford quietly stood up from the table and signaled for Alice and Earl to follow him. The three of them quietly walked out of the courtroom and out into the halls where a lot of shady looking people, some of them lawyers and some of them criminals, were milling about. Walking down a hall they came up to where Ehud Gray II is standing with the ghosts of Martin Ka'Berryon, Martin's father, and Ehud of Moab - who is definitely dressed as though he's a ghost.

Bifford: Ehud's grandson.. Alice.. are you ready to compete in THE GENTLEMEN'S GAMES!?

Both nod their heads as they look at one another.

Earl: Hold on.. can we talk for a second about how Ehud died?

Bifford: What?

Ehud II: WHAT!? My grandpa is dead?

Earl motions toward Ehud.

Earl: He's wearing the ghost makeup we make the ghosts of Martin Ka'Berryon and his dad wear.. Ehud has gotta be dead.

Bifford looks over to the ghost of Ehud of Moab and asks, "how'd you die Ehud?" The old man, wearing white makeup and looking like a ghost looks back at Bifford, "dunno man.. but I always had a foot fetish." Bifford nods, "thank you for that disturbing fun fact, Ehud." Alice Knight looks a bit uncomfortable and tries to move so that her feet are out of the ghost of Ehud's line of sight.

Bifford: Well, there's nothing we can do now other than this.. Moment of silence for the death of Ehud.

All of the people gathered bow their heads for a moment, including the ghosts. After about 15 seconds Bifford looks up and says, "okay we can't mourn forever.. This will be a simple game of TIC TAC TOE." Bifford hands each competitor a marker and Earl holds up a whiteboard with the traditional tic tac toe field drawn in what appears to be red crayon. Bifford looks up and sees the Bailiff leaving the courtroom - things must be in recess. The bailiff walks up and signals for Bifford to come away. "You may begin, Alice will go first.." As Alice walked forward to put an O in the middle of the field, Bifford walked away to talk to the Bailiff.

Bailiff: My friends Larry and Kent have both gone missing. Maybe I'll just go to the police tonight.

Bifford: Here's the numbers for your new account in the Cayman Islands. $15,000,000USD. I don't know what happened to your friends, but someone is killing people around me.. my friend Ehud died yesterday and nobody knows how.

Bailiff: Isn't your friend like 100 years old? Maybe he just died of natural causes..

Bifford: I'm not so sure about that..

Bifford hands the Bailiff a piece of paper and the Bailiff looks at it. "I would leave town right away.. be careful.." Bifford looked at the Bailiff as though he almost cared about him. The Bailiff seemed suspicious but then walked away. Bifford walked back just as Alice drew her third O in a row, winning the game.

Bifford: Well, Alice wins.. I guess it will be THE BIG KNIGHT fighting Nickleback and Bourbon at Decadence. Good showing, Ehud's grandson.. sorry for your loss.

Ehud II: But how did he die?

Bifford: I'm sure we will never know. But what we do know is that at Decadence I will piledrive Nickelback and then you will watch Alice as I pin him. You see, this tag team match does not end the feud of me vs. Nickelback. We will still be 1-1 in singles matches after this.. we will still need to take care of that. But I need to remind that glass-chewing weirdo that The Biff End - or at Decadence - THE KNIGHT'S END, is the way matches end. I'll pin that drug addicted glass chewer, bringing him to justice at the pay per view, and then someday in the future I will do it again to correct that 1-1 record.

Alice: And I'll take care of Bobby Bourbon. You think Bifford is going to have to carry me, Bobby? Little Bobby Bourbon? Well, I think I'll carry you Bobby and then slam you to the mat!

Bifford: I mean he's kinda bigger than you..

Alice: But I'm strong.

Bifford: These are very dangerous people.. they chew glass for fun.

Alice: Don't forget what I did with that rock.

Bifford and Earl share a look and its obvious both feel uncomfortable with the rock being brought up.

Bifford: Listen.. Alice.. I know I told you to film a situation where you felt.. evil. But you didn't have to make that-

Alice: It's not made up. It happened.

Bifford starts loudly coughing to try to drown-out the sound of Alice's voice from being picked up by the camera. Bifford then begins walking away, with the camera following him. "Gotta get some cough drops," he said as he walked away from the group. Bifford looked into the camera.

Bifford: I don't think she really.. could she? Nah.. anyway, Bobby, Nickelback, my buddies - this weekend we are going to share a Decadent ring and Kraken will be released into the tag team division. You could think of Alice Knight and I as being the Kraken of OCW.. nobody knows what to expect when we team together. It could be a disaster.. or it could be something quite good. I look forward to teaming with her because I can tell she's a person of good will, sometimes odd and misunderstood.. sometimes she has a brick and appears to be quite sinister.. but deep down she is a good human being. You two are not. As I walk this road toward my own redemption, I need to surround myself with people like Alice Knight.. We will just be partners though, and not enter into the romantic union that you two clearly have begun.

Nickelback and Bobby, sitting in a tree,
Eating glass and smoking weed,
Soon you'll fall in love,
Then you can get married,
Then comes Bobby and the baby carriage.

Men can get pregnant now, I understand.. the emojis explained this to me. Anyway, boys, we've got a trial to win. Some of us live in the real world and not the fantasy land of drugs and glass eating. Which reminds me, I can never invite Nickelback over to my palatial Phoenix estate, as the solarium would just look too delicious to him. Gentlemen, if you can be called that since Alice is clearly more of a gentleman than you both, I look forward to giving you a decadent beating this weekend.

The scene fades slowly to darkness.

SOMEWHERE FROM ALICE'S PAST, 2009

Alice is standing with the rock in hand, looking forward. Suddenly on her shoulders appear small versions of The Big Bifford and Earl the Popcorn Salesman, representing different sides of her conscience. "Kill the kid, Alice.. just like you did the dog," the tiny Bifford said, laughing an evil laugh. "Call the police, Alice.. turn yourself in.." Alice just stood, frozen in time. She didn't even know who the two guys on her shoulders were yet. Moving her hand up, she used the rock to smack The Big Bifford off her shoulder, then she did the same on the other side with Earl. She dropped the rock to the ground and pulled out her cell phone.

"The ambulance showed up 20 minutes later. I made an anonymous phone call telling them I saw the whole thing. "Dirty Mexican's driving a 80s Mustang hit the boy and drove off." I told them. I guess I can't fully be the 'villain' or the 'heel'. It isn't in my blood I suppose. Later that week Bobby Austin was alive and well. He was all over the local news. I left Bethel that Monday and the rest is history. When I got super famous in OCW, I sent him a Alice Knight 'Owlie Stuffy'. He must be in his mid 20's now. Wow! Hard to imagine. One minute you're dying on the pavement almost bludgeoned to death by a giant rock... and the next you're a local news celebrity from surviving a tragedy. You're welcome, Bobby. You're welcome."

TEN MINUTES AFTER THE FIRST SCENE ENDS, COLUMBUS OHIO

The crew is back seated in the courtroom. The Bailiff has noticeably been replaced. Cornelius has called his first witness, a scientist who appears to be casting doubt on DNA evidence. Earl leans over to Bifford and whispers, "I thought we weren't going to be in the flashback scenes this week?" Bifford just shrugged, "I can't help myself," he whispered back. Earl looked around, "we need to find out how Ehud died.. what if it was Buffy?" Alice Knight adjusts herself uncomfortably in her chair. "I don't know if we will ever find out.. and why'd he tell us about his foot fetish?" Grabbing the glass of water in front of her, Alice chugged it down uncomfortably as the scene faded to darkness.

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 24, COLUMBUS OHIO

The scene opens with Ehud rounding the first corner of the building. He's walking at a very slow pace but he sees the Segway Bifford promised would be there. Ehud walks up to the Segway and climbs on. He can see Alice far in the distance and knows he won't be able to catch her. But at least he will get around the building before darkness falls. He begins pressing forward in the Segway, eventually coming to the alley behind the building where Kent was killed recently. Nearing the end of the alley and the next turn, Alice turns and sees Ehud making the previous turn on the Segway. Her eyes fill with flames of rage and she runs back toward the Segway. Ehud plows forward on the device until he meets Alice's foot, her superkicking him right off the Segway. He fell backward and hit his head on the cement. The camera panned up and Ehud's ghost was standing there. "She's got nice feet," he said. Alice turned and walked away as the scene faded to darkness.