Post by "Throw Back" Steve Black on Sept 28, 2022 13:17:30 GMT -5
Be honest. You didn’t think “Throw Back” Steve Black was gonna win, did you? You thought he was just some run of the mill, flash in the pan, wannabe like Hurrican Venganza or Super Tiger who was gonna show up, take the loss, and run back to where he came from with his tail between his legs. But, that didn’t happen, did it? Steve came, he saw, and by golly did he ever conquer. He took out one of the XWF rejects that Thaddeus Duke has brought in without so much as a sweat, and did it all with a smile on his bodaciously painted face. Hey Calyp, you SO got beat. Hahaha. Next time, bet the money line on ole “Throw Back” and bank yourself a little green.
Speaking of next time, this week Steve’s booked against The Nickleman. Yeah, that’s right. The guy that named himself after a piece of money and couldn’t even spell it right. Another one of Thad’s “army”, supposedly here to decimate the competition and enforce the law. Good luck, fat boy. You couldn’t even handle Brim and Tamika Strader last week, but you think you can take “Throw Back” Steve Black down one-on-one? Nah… that ain’t happening. You couldn’t even beat up your children. I mean… maybe you could, but we’ll never know since CPS took them away, but still. You might have thought Steve was a joke, but he’ll be the one laughing next week after he mops the floor with your deadbeat dad butt. You were a loser at being a husband, a loser at being a father, and now, after last week… you’re a loser at wrestling too. Sorry Charlie. You’re just a loser. Period.
“Hey yo, ticket dude. I want a refund!”
That was “Throw Back” Steve Black. You were supposed to pick up on that fact because his special font color is ff9ff2. Maybe you were a bit confused because the boss man took two weeks off and never bothered changing the color on the boards, but it’s still his color. He’s standing outside the ticket booth of the Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle, Washington. I know what you’re thinking… yes, they actually named it that. I guess they feel the Bern all the way out here too. Anyway… the marquee says “Nickelback: Live in Concert”. Now, if you Google “Nickelback concert tour 2022” you’re not going to find any tour dates online. But this is a special concert they conveniently decided to have in a northwest state that happens to be semi-close to Calgary in the same general time frame as last week’s (or was it last month?) show. Make sense? So yeah, now that we got that straightened out, I can tell you that Steve is standing at the booth wearing an immaculate cut-off jean jacket with a pair of the tightest acid washed jeans you can find. The ticket booth girl, a short, brunette that’s kinda hot in a Selena Gomez meets America Ferrera sort of way, seems a little taken aback by Steve’s request.
“The show has already started sir, what seems to be the problem?”
“The problem is, brother… this music sucks! I was in there for like 30 minutes and they just kept playing the same song over and over. I thought they’d rock my face off, like Poison. But the only poison was their music… and boy is it toxic! Get it? Of course you do. So I’m gonna need more than my nickel back. Full refund, please and thank you.”
“Um, sir… I can’t issue a refund because you don’t like the music. And also, please don’t call me dude or brother. I am a woman.”
Ok, “woman” is pushing it. Chick’s like… maybe 22 at the most. Steve’s demeanor shifts… it’s time to lay on the charm. He places his elbow on the counter and leans in toward the glass partition, giving her “the look”. On the outside she doesn’t seem too interested, but her loins are burning on the inside, trust me. A little quiver in her liver.
“Mucho apologizos, mi chica. I mean no disrespect. You know… ole ‘Throw Back’ spent many a day wrestling in Mexico and I’ve nailed all kinds of Mexican babes along the way. If you play your cards right and give me that refund, you can come back to my hotel room and I’ll add you to the list. Wink!”
You’re wondering if he said “wink” out loud or if he just winked. Both.
“Are you serious right now? First, I am from Colombia, not Mexico. And you’re seriously trying to sexually harass me?”
“No, no… baby you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not interested in her ass. I’m interested in your ass.”
Well that chick is all hot and bothered, emphasis on “bothered”. Not sure what her problem is, I mean Steve’s spitting some of the best game I’ve ever seen.
“Escucha aquí, pedazo de estiércol de mono chupador de pollas. Nunca en mi vida me han faltado tanto al respeto y no lo toleraré. Si no te vas ahora mismo, saldré, te arrancaré la polla y te la meteré por el recto con la fuerza de 10.000 gorilas.”
Don’t Google translate that. Seriously. It’s… it’s unpleasant. I knew the chick was kinky, but… no, that’s not something Steve would enjoy.
“Woah man, cool your jets! Don’t have a cow! No need to go all hostile foreigner on me.”
The chick continues yelling a bunch of random stuff in Spanish, but Steve doesn’t have time for negativity in his life, so he cuts his losses and walks away.
“Geez Louise… that dude was totally bogus. Talk about harshin’ my mellow!”
Steve turns the corner of the arena and comes upon two teenagers texting on their phones. Both boys, one is African American and the other of Asian descent. The Asian kid looks up from his phone to see Steve, then nudges his friend who does the same.
“Hey man. Are you that Steve Black guy from wrestling?”
Steve always loves meeting one of his Steve-O’s. They’re the fastest growing Internet fan group of all time, and way better than those pesky Black Heads.
“Word up, bro. You know it. What’s in your hand?”
“You mean my phone?”
“No, I mean the thing in your hand.”
“It’s a phone.”
“It doesn’t have a cord.”
“It’s wireless.”
“You talk on it?”
“Well, not really. But you can, I guess.”
“So you have a phone with no cord but you don’t talk on it?”
“Yeah.”
“Then what does it do?”
The Asian guy shoots his buddy an “is this guy serious?” look. Yes, he’s serious! Idiot.
“You use it to surf the Internet, text, snap… pretty much anything you want.”
“Except talk.”
Got eem! The Asian kid shakes his head while the black kid laughs.
“So what’s this Internet thing? And how do you surf it without a board?”
“Man… you really are from the 80’s, aren’t you? It’s… I dunno. It’s like, this thing you use to look up stuff I guess.”
“Oh! So it’s like a library.”
“Sure, whatever man.”
I don’t love this kid’s disrespectful attitude, but Steve’s a much more generous man than I am.
“Thanks for the help. Here is some candy for your trouble.”
Steve reached into his fanny pack… yep, it’s there. He pulls out his bottle of “not steroids” and hands each kid two pills. They look at each other before sliding the pills into their pockets. He pats the Asian kid on the shoulder and continues on his way.
A short time later we see Steve sitting in a phone booth. I didn’t think they existed either, but I guess there are still a few left. He puts in several coins, then dials a number from memory.
“Lonnie! You’ll never believe it. I was just leaving the concert–”
“Yeah? How was it? Nickelback rocks, right?”
“No way, dude! Those geekazoids really barfed me out! They ain’t got nothin’ on Def Leppard.”
“Sorry man. I like a few of their songs. Is that why you called?”
“No. I wanted to tell you something I have discovered. So… get this, I got on this thing they call the Internet, it’s like a library for your computer. But you have to go to the library to get onto a computer to find it. Totally bogus. But I did some research about nickels to brush up for my match with The Nickleman.”
Steve pauses for a minute with a sly look on his face.
“Did you notice what I did there?”
I did. Nickels… brush. Classic.
“Get it? Nickels… brush?”
That’s what I said!
“Yeah Steve, it was a good one for sure. What did you find on the Internet?”
“Did you know it costs seven cents to make a nickel? How gnarly is that, man? A nickel isn’t even worth what it costs to make it. Just like Nickleman isn’t worth the time spent talking about him. Well he can keep his five and I’ll throw in my two cents for good measure. He might be a good guy, solid dude… except for the whole deadbeat dad angle. I mean it’s not his fault he sucks at fatherhood. Or marriages. Or if we’re being honest… every other relationship he’s ever had in his entire life. Other than that, oh and sucking at wrestling… and keeping a job or being able to hire a lawyer, which he also sucks at… he’s just a fine upstanding citizen. But you know what happens to upstanding citizens when they come face to face with ‘Throw Back’ Steve Black?”
“What?”
“They become downstanding citizens.”
Yeah they do!
“So, you mean you’re going to beat him and knock him down so he’s not standing anymore.”
That’s what he means.
“That’s what I mean.”
I swear, me and Steve… two peas.
“Know what else? Nickels aren’t even made of nickel anymore… at least not much. They’re fake… just like Nickleman. He’s faker than a suntan from Venice beach, dude. He’s like Lee Press-On nails or Dolly Parton’s jugs. He doesn’t even say his prayers or take his vitamins… you can tell by how fat he is.”
“I hear you. I don’t put much stock in Charles Nichols posing any sort of threat.”
“Who?”
“Charles Nichols… that’s Nickleman’s real name.”
“Woah! What are the odds! Guy’s last name is Nichols, and his wrestling name is The Nickleman. Ironic!
“I think that’s probably why he uses the name.”
“I never understood that phrase anyway. What am I supposed to be ironing? My jean jacket is always pressed for success! That’s one Charles that’s definitely not in charge. Speaking of… that Willie Aames is a freakin’ national treasure! And don’t get me started on Nicole Eggert. Hottie with a body! Anyway, just wanted to check in. I may head back to the library to discover more things on the Internet. I had lunch at a Hibachi earlier, and I wanted to see how I could buy one for myself. I typed in ‘Hot Asian Grills’... you wouldn’t believe what popped up. I think it requires more ‘research’!”
Probably pictures of Woks and flat tops and other cooking apparatuses, but unfortunately we don’t have time to find out. That’s it for this week. Join us next week for “As The Steve Turns” where we find out the answer to the age old question… how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world… may never know!
A nickel is nice, but I prefer dimes
And fat old Charlie’s done run out of time
On Massacre Monday, us two have a date
I’ll have him pinned in a jiffy, his kickout will be too late
Then he’ll head to the back, probably cry to his Thad
How the world is unfair, how he sucks as a dad
But as for yours truly, I’m headed straight to the top
Soon Nickle will know… that STEVE BLACK ROCKS!!!
BABY!!!!!
Speaking of next time, this week Steve’s booked against The Nickleman. Yeah, that’s right. The guy that named himself after a piece of money and couldn’t even spell it right. Another one of Thad’s “army”, supposedly here to decimate the competition and enforce the law. Good luck, fat boy. You couldn’t even handle Brim and Tamika Strader last week, but you think you can take “Throw Back” Steve Black down one-on-one? Nah… that ain’t happening. You couldn’t even beat up your children. I mean… maybe you could, but we’ll never know since CPS took them away, but still. You might have thought Steve was a joke, but he’ll be the one laughing next week after he mops the floor with your deadbeat dad butt. You were a loser at being a husband, a loser at being a father, and now, after last week… you’re a loser at wrestling too. Sorry Charlie. You’re just a loser. Period.
“Hey yo, ticket dude. I want a refund!”
That was “Throw Back” Steve Black. You were supposed to pick up on that fact because his special font color is ff9ff2. Maybe you were a bit confused because the boss man took two weeks off and never bothered changing the color on the boards, but it’s still his color. He’s standing outside the ticket booth of the Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle, Washington. I know what you’re thinking… yes, they actually named it that. I guess they feel the Bern all the way out here too. Anyway… the marquee says “Nickelback: Live in Concert”. Now, if you Google “Nickelback concert tour 2022” you’re not going to find any tour dates online. But this is a special concert they conveniently decided to have in a northwest state that happens to be semi-close to Calgary in the same general time frame as last week’s (or was it last month?) show. Make sense? So yeah, now that we got that straightened out, I can tell you that Steve is standing at the booth wearing an immaculate cut-off jean jacket with a pair of the tightest acid washed jeans you can find. The ticket booth girl, a short, brunette that’s kinda hot in a Selena Gomez meets America Ferrera sort of way, seems a little taken aback by Steve’s request.
“The show has already started sir, what seems to be the problem?”
“The problem is, brother… this music sucks! I was in there for like 30 minutes and they just kept playing the same song over and over. I thought they’d rock my face off, like Poison. But the only poison was their music… and boy is it toxic! Get it? Of course you do. So I’m gonna need more than my nickel back. Full refund, please and thank you.”
“Um, sir… I can’t issue a refund because you don’t like the music. And also, please don’t call me dude or brother. I am a woman.”
Ok, “woman” is pushing it. Chick’s like… maybe 22 at the most. Steve’s demeanor shifts… it’s time to lay on the charm. He places his elbow on the counter and leans in toward the glass partition, giving her “the look”. On the outside she doesn’t seem too interested, but her loins are burning on the inside, trust me. A little quiver in her liver.
“Mucho apologizos, mi chica. I mean no disrespect. You know… ole ‘Throw Back’ spent many a day wrestling in Mexico and I’ve nailed all kinds of Mexican babes along the way. If you play your cards right and give me that refund, you can come back to my hotel room and I’ll add you to the list. Wink!”
You’re wondering if he said “wink” out loud or if he just winked. Both.
“Are you serious right now? First, I am from Colombia, not Mexico. And you’re seriously trying to sexually harass me?”
“No, no… baby you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not interested in her ass. I’m interested in your ass.”
Well that chick is all hot and bothered, emphasis on “bothered”. Not sure what her problem is, I mean Steve’s spitting some of the best game I’ve ever seen.
“Escucha aquí, pedazo de estiércol de mono chupador de pollas. Nunca en mi vida me han faltado tanto al respeto y no lo toleraré. Si no te vas ahora mismo, saldré, te arrancaré la polla y te la meteré por el recto con la fuerza de 10.000 gorilas.”
Don’t Google translate that. Seriously. It’s… it’s unpleasant. I knew the chick was kinky, but… no, that’s not something Steve would enjoy.
“Woah man, cool your jets! Don’t have a cow! No need to go all hostile foreigner on me.”
The chick continues yelling a bunch of random stuff in Spanish, but Steve doesn’t have time for negativity in his life, so he cuts his losses and walks away.
“Geez Louise… that dude was totally bogus. Talk about harshin’ my mellow!”
Steve turns the corner of the arena and comes upon two teenagers texting on their phones. Both boys, one is African American and the other of Asian descent. The Asian kid looks up from his phone to see Steve, then nudges his friend who does the same.
“Hey man. Are you that Steve Black guy from wrestling?”
Steve always loves meeting one of his Steve-O’s. They’re the fastest growing Internet fan group of all time, and way better than those pesky Black Heads.
“Word up, bro. You know it. What’s in your hand?”
“You mean my phone?”
“No, I mean the thing in your hand.”
“It’s a phone.”
“It doesn’t have a cord.”
“It’s wireless.”
“You talk on it?”
“Well, not really. But you can, I guess.”
“So you have a phone with no cord but you don’t talk on it?”
“Yeah.”
“Then what does it do?”
The Asian guy shoots his buddy an “is this guy serious?” look. Yes, he’s serious! Idiot.
“You use it to surf the Internet, text, snap… pretty much anything you want.”
“Except talk.”
Got eem! The Asian kid shakes his head while the black kid laughs.
“So what’s this Internet thing? And how do you surf it without a board?”
“Man… you really are from the 80’s, aren’t you? It’s… I dunno. It’s like, this thing you use to look up stuff I guess.”
“Oh! So it’s like a library.”
“Sure, whatever man.”
I don’t love this kid’s disrespectful attitude, but Steve’s a much more generous man than I am.
“Thanks for the help. Here is some candy for your trouble.”
Steve reached into his fanny pack… yep, it’s there. He pulls out his bottle of “not steroids” and hands each kid two pills. They look at each other before sliding the pills into their pockets. He pats the Asian kid on the shoulder and continues on his way.
A short time later we see Steve sitting in a phone booth. I didn’t think they existed either, but I guess there are still a few left. He puts in several coins, then dials a number from memory.
“Lonnie! You’ll never believe it. I was just leaving the concert–”
“Yeah? How was it? Nickelback rocks, right?”
“No way, dude! Those geekazoids really barfed me out! They ain’t got nothin’ on Def Leppard.”
“Sorry man. I like a few of their songs. Is that why you called?”
“No. I wanted to tell you something I have discovered. So… get this, I got on this thing they call the Internet, it’s like a library for your computer. But you have to go to the library to get onto a computer to find it. Totally bogus. But I did some research about nickels to brush up for my match with The Nickleman.”
Steve pauses for a minute with a sly look on his face.
“Did you notice what I did there?”
I did. Nickels… brush. Classic.
“Get it? Nickels… brush?”
That’s what I said!
“Yeah Steve, it was a good one for sure. What did you find on the Internet?”
“Did you know it costs seven cents to make a nickel? How gnarly is that, man? A nickel isn’t even worth what it costs to make it. Just like Nickleman isn’t worth the time spent talking about him. Well he can keep his five and I’ll throw in my two cents for good measure. He might be a good guy, solid dude… except for the whole deadbeat dad angle. I mean it’s not his fault he sucks at fatherhood. Or marriages. Or if we’re being honest… every other relationship he’s ever had in his entire life. Other than that, oh and sucking at wrestling… and keeping a job or being able to hire a lawyer, which he also sucks at… he’s just a fine upstanding citizen. But you know what happens to upstanding citizens when they come face to face with ‘Throw Back’ Steve Black?”
“What?”
“They become downstanding citizens.”
Yeah they do!
“So, you mean you’re going to beat him and knock him down so he’s not standing anymore.”
That’s what he means.
“That’s what I mean.”
I swear, me and Steve… two peas.
“Know what else? Nickels aren’t even made of nickel anymore… at least not much. They’re fake… just like Nickleman. He’s faker than a suntan from Venice beach, dude. He’s like Lee Press-On nails or Dolly Parton’s jugs. He doesn’t even say his prayers or take his vitamins… you can tell by how fat he is.”
“I hear you. I don’t put much stock in Charles Nichols posing any sort of threat.”
“Who?”
“Charles Nichols… that’s Nickleman’s real name.”
“Woah! What are the odds! Guy’s last name is Nichols, and his wrestling name is The Nickleman. Ironic!
“I think that’s probably why he uses the name.”
“I never understood that phrase anyway. What am I supposed to be ironing? My jean jacket is always pressed for success! That’s one Charles that’s definitely not in charge. Speaking of… that Willie Aames is a freakin’ national treasure! And don’t get me started on Nicole Eggert. Hottie with a body! Anyway, just wanted to check in. I may head back to the library to discover more things on the Internet. I had lunch at a Hibachi earlier, and I wanted to see how I could buy one for myself. I typed in ‘Hot Asian Grills’... you wouldn’t believe what popped up. I think it requires more ‘research’!”
Probably pictures of Woks and flat tops and other cooking apparatuses, but unfortunately we don’t have time to find out. That’s it for this week. Join us next week for “As The Steve Turns” where we find out the answer to the age old question… how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world… may never know!
A nickel is nice, but I prefer dimes
And fat old Charlie’s done run out of time
On Massacre Monday, us two have a date
I’ll have him pinned in a jiffy, his kickout will be too late
Then he’ll head to the back, probably cry to his Thad
How the world is unfair, how he sucks as a dad
But as for yours truly, I’m headed straight to the top
Soon Nickle will know… that STEVE BLACK ROCKS!!!
BABY!!!!!
