Post by The Nickleman on Sept 10, 2022 23:58:36 GMT -5
“Long story short, my cunt of an ex-wife and that pearl-clutching social worker are trying to steal my kids! They already got me on this supervised visitation bullshit, and now they’re trying to take that away, too! We gotta put a goddamned stop to this shit, and Thaddeus Duke told me you are the #1 problem solver for fathers like me.”
The Nickleman pleads his case from the cushioned comfort of a velvet padded chair. Across an ornate wooden table with golden trim sits an extremely arrogant esquire, who is taking notes and listening intently while he cross references relevant court documents. A diamond-encrusted nameplate on the table between the two reads ‘Mr. Chad Alphason, Attorney At Law’. The leading attorney at America’s largest family law firm nods quietly to himself before looking back up at The Nickleman.
Nickleman rolls his eyes and places his palm flat on the table. He begins to tap his fingers at the finished wood as he explains his special situation with Thaddeus Duke.
“Duke’s putting my legal fees on his tab because I just became the long arm of the law in OCW, and being the new Sheriff around here has to come with its perks. You know it didn’t take long for Duke to make enemies out of damn near everyone, and now he needs a trigger man ready to watch his back and keep the peace.
That’s where I come in.
Thaddeus Duke is the detective and the prosecutor, he follows the trail of clues and gives me the list of names that need to be scratched out. When Thaddeus forwards me those grand indictments I become the judge, jury, and executioner- and homie, you already know I only return guilty verdicts with death sentences. Just look at what happened to CYPH3R- it ain’t hard to decipher the fact that it was The Nickleman who told Thaddeus how far we needed to go to put the rabble in check. The Nickleman comes into OCW, and Thaddeus Duke finally becomes a savage. The Nickleman makes his in-ring debut on the same night that Cypher makes his final appearance. I told everyone before Massacre that I was coming to the show with my blades at the ready, and on that same night Cypher gets cut. What’s that tell you?”
The lawyer scratches his head while looking back down at the court filings.
“Well, this court filing they submitted is telling the judge that it makes you an unfit parent, a dangerous and psychotic one at that. It might be wise to take a step back from professional blood sports until we get this case off the docket, I know how brutal it can get in that ring- trust me, Thad’s had plenty of lawsuits brought against him where they try to use his professional wrestling career as a bludgeon against his credibility. Thaddeus has always been able to get around that mudslinging by pointing out his philanthropic efforts and community service, but given the controversies you cause both inside and outside of the ring, it may be for the best if you put your OCW run on hold until your next court date.”
“Well why the hell do Thad’s phullonropist efforts get applauded but mine get called sick and perverted? Speaking of sick and perverted, my OCW run should be getting me extra credit and brownie points with the judge! The dudes in that company are seriously FUCKED UP, and that’s why I’m FUCKING THEM UP! Thad sigend me to OCW to root out child kidnappers, like Cypher, and literal escaped convicts, like BRIM! I mean holy fuck, Cypher literally kidnapped a child and transported it to a secondary location- and you know what the fuck that means, right? You’ve seen enough true crime documentaries to know what always happens at secondary locations! Frankie is lucky just to be alive. I know any day now he’s going to call his Uncle Nickleman and thank me for dispensing the justice that was owed.”
“Kidnapped child? Daring rescue efforts? Vigilante justice? It’s not perfect, but we might be able to use this in your defense!”
The top-notch lawyer starts making some notes on his file as The Nickleman leans back with a smirk.
“And you said something about an escaped convict? Bringing someone to the arms of the law could certainly reflect well on you.”
Nickleman leans forward and nods.
“Not only is he an escaped convict- HE’S A MUSLIM!”
The lawyer scratches his head and looks up at The Nickleman.
“That….that doesn’t matter. Don’t…don’t say that in court, okay? It will be a bad look. Why don’t you just tell me more about this guy’s crimes so we can have your defense ready?”
Charles shrugs at the lawyer's advice.
“Well fuck man, his rap sheet is as big and wide as he is! And at six foot three, five hundred some pounds, that lardass really is big and wide! Some kind of ‘athlete’ he is, I think the only thing that guy lifts are damn quarter pounders into his mouth!”
“Well, you’re not necessarily the pinnacle of fitness yourself…”
“Pffft…so? At least I’m not stupid enough to get caught when I commit felonies. I’m fast enough to get away from the cops, and clearly BRIM wasn’t. And if that black bull can’t get away from a fucking pig, then how is he going to get away from a rat bastard like me? The PoPo were just coming at him with tazers, but I’m really going after BRIM with deadly force next Monday night. BRIM was already found guilty of manslaughter, so if I end up slaughtering that man the courts should just call it even.”
“So is he on the run from the cops right now? Doesn't everyone know where he's going to be every time he has a match? How have they not caught him yet?”
Nickleman shrugs.
“I can't tell you all that, I just know that’s the word on the streets. Maybe he got his case resolved, maybe he didn’t, I didn’t check. I just know what the streets say. Apparently he escaped from some Sanitorium with two guys named Duce “the poop” Jones and Byson Taliban. And you’re telling me him being a muslim doesn’t matter? Fucking hell, everything is so politically correct nowadays.
You know, I fought a guy that looks like BRIM in prison one time. This black panther looking motherfucker, he thought he could open a WA-CAN-DA whoop ass on me, but The Nickleman will never be caught lacking. I left that piece of shit for dead, leaking red, all over our cell floor- and I’m fixing to leave BRIM in the same condition. I don’t care how big my foes are, because every man drops the same when I sink my devil hooks into them!”
The lawyer grimaces and cringes at The Nickleman’s lively story.
“Okay…but don’t kill this guy in the ring. That…that won’t look good in family court. Just beat him and detain him until the police arrive, okay? Securing a dangerous criminal and handing him over to law enforcement could really help us argue that your professional wrestling career shouldn’t disqualify you from custody rights.”
“Exactly. That’s what I’ve been saying!......but there’s probably something else you should know about my match on Monday night if you’re going to be my new lawyer bitch. There's another opponent in play that could complicate things in court, because apparently people like them or some shit. I don't know, I don't see it.”
“Uhhhm, just call me lawyer. Please speak to me with respect.”
Nickleman groans and rolls his eyes.
“Ugghhhhhhhh Jesus Christ, you sound exactly like her!”
“Who? Your ex-wife? What are you talking about?”
“Tamika Strader!”
The lawyer leans back in his chair and presses the tip of a pen to his lips as he tries to recall that name.
“Strader….Strader….I’ve definitely heard that name before. Do you mean Veronica Strader?”
“Tamika!”
The lawyer looks like he’s at a loss.
“Who…who’s that?”
“She’s like Veronica, except she’s loss hot, she has less talent, and she’s way more whiney! Just like you keep being, Mr. Lawyer Bitch! You’re talking just like her, complaining and bitching just like her! God, I hope you’re smarter than she is. That dumb ass really said I was a “poor man’s Thunder Knuckles”- like fuck, does this cunt not know that I’m 3-0 against Tee-Kay? Probably not. This dumb bitch probably doesn’t know that I’m undefeated against last year’s Margarita Mix winner either! Dolly Waters and TK came to OCW and made a great tag team, but neither one of them can wrestle on my level- and they’ve proven that to me before, time and time again!
Tamika Strader just doesn’t know who The Nickleman is or what I can do, which is shocking, given that I broke her little newsreel in record time last week. Tamika can’t go head-to-head with The Nickleman, because if she could, she would’ve done it right there in the newsroom! But instead, what did she do? She tucked her fucking tail and ran away from me as soon as I came into the room. When I interrupted that breaking news of hers she wouldn’t look me in the eyes, she wouldn’t tell me off in person, all she could do was leave. BRIM and I sat there, in her newsroom, trading verbal shots with each other- but little Ms. Tamika couldn’t handle that heat, so she got the fuck out of the kitchen.
Which is shocking, because she should be spending more time in the kitchen and less time in the ring. Not because I’m some woman-hating fuck, but because Tamika just isn’t that good on at wrestlering! She’s barely done anything on her own. She’s a tag wrestler that needs to be carried by her partner, she’s not a singles star and she never will be. One little run with a midcard belt is all she can hang her hat on. But me? Fucking hell. I put the m & the e in MEGA-STAR!
I’ve created more controversies and dethroned just as many champions as Tamika has inside the OCW, and I did that in just my first week. What do you think I’m planning to do in my second week?”
The lawyer rests his head in his hands for a few seconds before finally looking back up at Charles Nichols.
“Oh Jesus…I’m glad we have attorney-client privilege, because I don’t want ANY of what you just said getting put into the court case! You’ve given us a hard enough job as is, the last thing we need is for you to premeditate an assault on a defenseless woman.”
“Yeah I get what you mean, and shit, if you think that’s bad? I’m planning to murder that cunty social worker that’s runing my case. I got her license plate at that Whataburger! You got any tips for me to pull this off without getting caught? I’d hate to make your job any harder, of course.”
The lawyer’s jaw slacks as Charles pulls out his cellphone and slides through a photo album featuring pictures of the social worker’s license plate, vehicle, and home.
“I’m trying to find a discount hitman right now to knock her off, you got any references you can pass to me?”
The lawyer looks down at the court filings, then to the photo album that Charles is showing him, and then finally he looks into the deranged eyes of The Nickleman himself.
“Are you….serious?”
The Nickleman cocks his head to the side curiously.
“What are you talking about? Of course I’m serious! I came to your law offices, didn’t I? I’m probably going to need a whole team of lawyers pretty soon!”
“Get the hell out of my office. This conversation is over.”
“What? I haven’t even paid you yet, and they said the first consultation would last for an hour!”
“Get out!”
“Now hold on a sec-”
The lawyer presses a hidden button under his desk.
“SECURITY!”
The scene fades to black as The Nickleman is literally dragged out of the law offices kicking and screaming by the entire security team.
“WAIT! I’M GOING TO NEED A LAYWER! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! I’M GIVING YOU A 1-STAR YELP REVIEW!”
