Post by Alice Knight on Feb 14, 2022 0:24:19 GMT -5
ALICE KNIGHT
O W L
PART ONE
CANNED HAM AND CRACKERS
CONGRATULATIONS (ALICE KNIGHT) YOU ARE ONE OF THE LUCKY PERSONS TO HAVE AN OPPURTUNITY AT BEING AN INVESTOR IN THE GARRISON VAUGHN INVESTMENTS INC. THIS IS NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME!* JOIN TODAY!
*May be a Pyramid Scheme*
"This seems like a good idea."
Alice Knight can be seen showing off her mail to her homeless unemployed friend Ferguson.
Alice: This is almost perfect timing. I have that Pyramid Scheme match coming up at OCW's Carpe Noctem. And between you, me, Owlie and the walls... ceiling... furniture... um, the funny moo cow phone I bought at the thrift store... and...
Ferguson visibly frustrated as Alice rambles on.
Ferguson: What about it... c'mon...
Alice: Well... between all of us and those things, including the moo cow phone. I have NO idea what this match is about. The Bird Cage Match. Makes sense. The Anchor Match. Yep, no confusion there. The Owl Special match. 100% Clear. But this Pyramid match... doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I trust OCW and myself where once I get into this match I will be able to 'wing' it...
Alice flaps her arms like wings. As Owlie in her cage begins flipping out shrieking and pooping a bit.
Alice: Haha. Right on cue.
Ferguson: Maybe. You are good at 'winging' things.
Ferguson flaps his arms like wings looking in Owlie's direction. Who just looks at him silently until letting out a giant shit splatter in her cage.
Alice(shaking her head): It only works when I do's it, Fergie...
Ferguson: ... right. But the point I am trying to make is, no matter what the rules are for this match at Carpe Noctem. A pyramid scheme you got in the mail from what I assume is some fraud will not help you in anyway.
Alice: Says who?
Ferguson: Me. I said it.
Alice: Who?
Ferguson: ... who?
Alice: HOOT!
She begins flapping her arms again as Owlie does the same, while shitting in her cage.
Alice(blocking her nose): Oof. That's rank. I should stop feeding Owlie Oreo cookies, i think? You better get started on cleaning that cage. I got a investors meeting with Mr. Garrison Vaughn himself. So get to it.
Ferguson: Why should I clean the cage?
Alice: Why? Why? Because if you want to eat canned ham and crackers with me later tonight for supper, you will have that cage spotless. If not... you sleep out doors... hungry...
Alice struts her way out of the kitchen as Ferguson mutters under his breath 'Bitch.'
Alice: What did you say?
Ferguson: I said you are a bitch, Alice.
Alice: Oh! Cool! I thought it was something bad. Gonna throw on my sexy lacy bra, tan colored. And meet up with the man who will help me get my OCW title back... Be back later... Cut to... well...
CUT TO ALICE KNIGHT SITTING ON THE CURVE OF HER DRIVE WAY AS A MINI VAN PULLS UP! PAINTED ON THE VAN IS "GARRISON VAUGHN INVESTMENTS INC."
Driving the van is a funny looking feller. He gets out and rushes to Alice with his hand out. She raises a fist expecting an attack. But soon realizes it is Mr. Vaughn himself.
Vaughn: Hello! Alice! The OWL IS NIGHT ICON HERSELF! HAHA!
Alice laughs with Vaughn until it gets incredibly uncomfortable.
Alice: Shall we go...
Vaughn: Perhaps you can drive? I've been sniffing super glue for the last 30 minutes. I'm a little woozy! THANKS!
Alice shrugs and nods. Knowing what a good 30 minutes of super glue sniffing can do to the brain. She hops in the driver's seat. In the passenger seat is a elder man with a curly mullet. And a aging well Native American in the back seat next to Garrison Vaughn. This is 80s musician John Parr and Actor Lou Diamond Phillips. With Alice, this is Mr. Vaughn's so called dream team of celebrity investors. Alice doesn't recognize them. Can you blame her? She proceeds to drive.
Alice: Hey guys, I am Alice. Alice Knight.
John Parr: Huh? Gotta speak into my good ear, dear. Ruined the ears playing Naughty Naughty on the 2003 Wisconsin fair 10 years ago...
Alice: Oh... that math doesn't add up... um. Sorry. I AM ALICE KNI----
John Parr: HUH? EHHH??
Lou Diamond Phillips: Hey, I am Lou Diamond Phillips. Obviously... But i'm trying to get a twitter account and hash tag that is just simply LOU-DI-LIPS...
Alice: Eww. That's a horrible Hashtag.
John Parr: Huh? Are we talking about me?
Lou Diamond Phillips: No!
John Parr: Ehhhh???
Alice: So Mr. Vaughn. Quick question, bud. Does this pyramid scheme you're pulling on us have any reference to the match I have coming up at Carpe Noctem?
Vaughn: Scheme? HAHAHAH! Good one Alice... Hahah!
John Parr begins laughing noticing Mr. Vaughn laughing in the rear view mirror.
John Parr: I get it. Good one, Lou-Di-Lips...
Alice: Well whatever it is. I have like a big match coming up at this OCW pay per view. Like super huge and it's literally called the Pyramid Scheme match. And I know what you are trying to pull off here... (winks at Vaughn) And I am totally cool with it. Like totes. Juuuuuust if you have any info on what the hell this Carpe Noctem match is about. I am all ears... no offense mullet man...
John Parr winks at Alice and whispers to Lou Diamond Phillips in the back but in normal speaking voice.
John Parr: I think this ho-bag wants to sleep with me?
Lou Diamond Phillips: You think so-------
John Parr: AHHHH EHHHH???
Vaughn: Sorry Alice. I don't have much info to offer you on the details of this match... but I do have a great investment opportunity for you... just turn right and pull into the ol' sewage factory and we can get started. All of us...
John Parr: Huh???
Alice: Oh, damn. Is that it... the one with all the dead squirrels in the parking lot?
Vaughn: Yesssss. But they are just sleeping...
Alice: Buddy I know a dead squirrel when I see one. Now we do a Transition to... I mean it will...
TRANSITION TO - Garrison Vaughn standing in the middle of a circle with a chalk board by him as he is surrounded by possible investors which includes Alice Knight. Tutti Frutti by Little Richard can be heard playing. Vaughn is dancing to the music. Eventually turning down the audio from his boom box CD player.
Vaughn: Hi everybody. I am Garrison Vaughn. And help yourself to some canned ham and crackers if you will. They are free!
Alice: I'll wait for supper, thanks.
Vaughn: Alice is going to wait for supper... right on, girl. Girl power!
Alice: Speaking of which. Um. I don't think I should be here any longer. I was kind of hoping that this whole 'investment scheme' would help me in my pay per view match with Outcast. And other stars. See I am kind of a wrestler... Alice. Alice Knight. HOOT! Yeah... anyway. I think I made a huge mistake. I doubt Bob Grenier or Gideon Cross. Or whoever will show up at the pay per view in this match didn't invest their money into... well... ol' fish eyes over there.
Garrison Vaughn looks back at Alice with his eyes popping out.
Vaughn: Too late. It begins... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I AM GARRISON VAUGHN! And i've lost eleven of my own children. Five to sand poisoning. Two from squirrel disease. Six to deadly swamp bugs. And at least six more from a mysterious drifter that looks and sounds like me. According to local authorities. So... shall we begin. Does anyone here know what a "penis" is?
Only Vaughn and Alice raise their hands. John Parr and Lou Diamond Phillips, among other men and women in the room look confused.
Alice: Mr. Parr. HE. ASKED. IF. YOU. KNOW. WHAT. A. PENIS. IS!?!?!
John Parr: Oh I heard him. I just don't understand the question.
Vaughn: Here, let me draw one for you...
Alice hides her face.
Alice: Oh boy...
PART TWO
CHUNKY MUSTARD PACKETS
2 HOURS LATER
Vaughn: ... and that is how the digestive system works... ok. Take a small break... and we'll be back with information on how we can make you a BILLION dollars.
Alice looks exhausted as she gets out of her seat and walks towards the exit. She is stopped by a muscular guard.
Alice: What's the dealio? Yes, I admit. I made the mistake of coming here. Instead of trying to get information for my match at some sketchy investors meeting. I should have you know, just trained hard today. Went to the gym. Like I always work myself up. When the match comes, I will just go with the motions. I always do well, I just get all anxiety attacked and what not. It's lame. Like sure the rules could have been explained a bit better. But who am I to judge. Prizes? The only prize on my mind is the OCW title, good sir. But... But... anyway. I will be leaving...
The Guard stops her again.
Guard: Mr. Vaughn wants to speak to you privately. Until then, please help yourself to some free canned ham and crackers. You can dip it in some free Owl Is Night Chunky Mustard packets it that floats your boat.
Alice smirks.
Alice: Damn it. That does sound good. I was going to wait for my supper. Buuuuuut. You convinced me.
Alice quietly walks away from the guard and to the catering table where it is crowded by weird men and creepy women. Alice takes notice, but mainly for the fact that she's the most attractive person at this meeting. When she shoves her way through the crowd, she comes to find out all the canned ham, crackers and yes, chunky mustard packets have all been eaten and used. Alice looks irate.
Meanwhile on the other side of the room. We see Garrison Vaughn sitting in front of some of his members with a spotlight on him as he looks down on them.
-Close up on Garrison Vaughn's face.-
Garrison Vaughn: Listen guys. This is important. I've been told that the Ragana is near us. I got this information from a who're that easily gave up the information once we were finished the bang fest. It was awesome by the way.
Members(chanting) RAGANA! RAGANA! RAGANA!
Vaughn: I will get into the bone fest later. In great detail. But this is about our future. About that owl statuette that rumors and legends say can send humans through portals, time and space. And yes, even time travel. That's just my take on it...
MEMBERS: RAGANA! RAGANA! RAGANA!
Vaughn: With Carpe Noctem coming around the corner. OCW, the Online Championship Wrestling company last seen with the Ragana Owl Statuette. This is our chance. We kidnap the company's biggest star and her pet owl. In exchange for the Ragana. We will send them her fingers to Welsh and Zybala until they give up the prize!
Another guard comes in holding Owlie's cage with her flapping inside it. Vaughn points at the cage and laughs manically.
MEMBERS: RAGANA! RAGANA!
A bright light shines in as the door opens from the other room. It is Alice Knight obliviously entering the room.
Alice: Wait, this isn't the ladies room. Orrrrr.... is it?
She raises her eye brows flirtatiously until she notices Owlie.
Alice: Wait, what is going on here? This isn't some weird creepy investors meeting. This is a kidnapping. Or... is it a sexy toilet room? NO! IT'S AN OWL-NAPPING!
Vaughn: Listen, Alice. I can explain.
Alice: NO! NO! NNNNNNNN-NO! You tricked me, Mr. Vaughn. All I wanted to do was learn about a match that doesn't completely add up on paper. I just wanted to know what happens in this new style of Pay Per View concept. We have a roster of amazing talents and I am sure they don't even know. Perzag? He don't know. Sure, he's probably the best looking worthiest man in the business. But he claims to be from Australia? He don't knows! And Victoria Strader. She has her billion siblings to worry about and that cry baby loser Gideon Cross to consider. But she has her Tranny belt. That's cool. But She don't knows. And what about Cypher, Kelson and Copeland. All these new baby boys joining the fray? They probably can't even tie their own shoes or pee without urinating all over the seat. And let's not forget the other OCW legends wandering about. Vargas, Grenier, O'Connor, Houston, Canon, and don't get me started on those damn Dravers pecker faces, and um, what about Meyhu? Well let's face it none of these peeps including myself have a chance if the CHAMP Matt Meyhu shows up. And then... and then there is our champion. Outcast. Does he have any idea what he's about to go through? Actually. I think he might. He just has to wait for the winner, right?
The members and Vaughn all mutter to themselves while shrugging.
Alice: Look! All I can tell you is this. I didn't come here to invest, I didn't come here for the delicious snacks and chunky mustard. And I SURE as hell didn't show up to witness my beloved Owl being kidnapped by a bunch of perverts in a sexy toilet room. So hand her over... and no one gets harmed.
Vaughn: Look, we need the Ragana. I know it's unfortunate we had to go this route. We were going to kidnap Poblano or Welsh. But this seemed like the easier plan. Due to your, um, lack of ...
Alice: Lack of bad odor? Lack of ugliness... Um. Lack of bad fashion???
Vaughn: ... um, lack of intelligence. We almost got away with it to if it wasn't for your bad bladder and ruined everything!
Alice: It's not that bad of a bladder. Yes, orange juice and vodka go through me like ... well any liquid and I can't help but squirt a few driblets ... Wait... who cares about my super duper smart intelligence and non existing bladder issues. Give me Owlie back, now!
Vaughn: Maybe we can work a deal, Miss Knight. You could use the Ragana to your advantage. Think of the portals that can take you anywhere you want.
Alice: Ragana? Portals? Want? Sounds like a bunch of jibber jabber... Stop this tomfoolery right this minute and give me back my Owlie.
Vaughn: Didn't you see Access Denied? IT'S REAL!!!!
Alice: I show you a couple 'somethings' that are real...
Alice rips open her blouse to reveal her tanned colored lacy bra. Vaughn for a second thought he was flashed her bare breasts. But upon longer inspection see's the bra lines. He sighs. But this is enough time for Alice to (in slow motion) run and do a spinning heel kick to Garrison Vaughn's face. Knocking out his few remaining teeth. She then puts him in a choke hold in one arm putting him to sleep. Some of the 'members' grab Owlies cage. Of course, Alice at this point begins flapping her arms as Owlie begins flapping in return and spraying bird shit all over the members. Alice punches and uppercuts the members and snatches Owlie in the process. She runs to the exit and turns to the beaten members with a horrible Austrian accent.
Alice: OWL. Bea. Bawk! Haha. Cut to and we see...
PART THREE
DEEP FRIED SQUIRREL WITH MUSTARD
CUT TO - We see Alice Knight standing by a bunch of police cars. Owlie is eating some stacked dead squirrels. Vaughn and his members are being taken away in hand cuffs into a police van.
Cop: You caught the Vaughn Gang. Congratulations, Alice. Great job. Um, aren't you afraid of your pet owl getting sick?
Owlie proceeds to shit through her cage bars all over the parking lot.
Alice: Yea, they are better for you when they are deep fried.
Cop: Huh?
Alice picks up her cage and walks over to John Parr and Lou Diamond Phillips. They are also eating dead squirrels with chunky mustard.
Alice: Well... that was one hell of a day, right guys?
John Parr; HUH!?!?!
Lou Diamond Phillips: So what's next for Alice Knight?
Alice: Well I STILL need to figure out what this pyramid scheme match is all about at Carpe Noctem. But, something tells me all in all will work out in the end. You John Parr will get his hearing aids and play bad music again. Lou-Di-Lips might even catch on. As for Owl Is Night? OCW gold... Outcast is going down!... Isn't that right friend Ferguson... Fergie? Where did my friend Ferguson go? He was looking after Owlie? Meh, I'm sure he is alright. Fade to and... ya..
Fade a shot of a ditch. As the camera panes through the ditch. We see ALice's friend Ferguson beat up naked body twitching in the cold.
Cue credits with Tutti Frutti playing.