"Le Big Mack: The Mack O'Connor Story" - FULL MOVIE

[Adi Gold]

OCW TV PRESENTS

an ADI GOLD production

an ADI GOLD film

a film by ADI GOLD

Adi Gold presents

Billy Zane as

Le Big Mack: The Mack O'Connor Story

Written and Directed by Adi Gold.

B A S E D   on a   T R U E  S T O R Y

(We open on a shot of a court house during the day. Date stamped.



MANY YEARS AGO.



Inside we a middle aged and chubby Billy Zane as Mack O'Connor sitting at the defence table next to his lawyer, Jen Walken played by Adi Gold. Everyone is sitting and waiting for the judge to come out. Mack leans over to his attorney Miss Walken.



Zane/Mack: What's taking him so long?



Adi/Walken: Just be cool. He should be out here soon... what's that noise.



(the sounds of diarrhea grumbling through Mack's stomach catches the quiet courtroom attention making everyone look in their direction. Jury included.)

Zane/Mack: Sorry, I had a triple chilli dog for lunch and i think it's given me a bit of diarrhea build up... i'll be fine. I'll be fine...



In walks JUDGE SEAN BEAN, strutting in like a stud at a bachelor auction. The jury nod in approval at not only his sexy strut, but the fact that it the judge today is international movie star, Sean Bean. )


BAILIFF: All rise. Honourable Judge Sean Bean presiding. Your honour, this is case #100 Miilion, 2023 Thousand in the matter of Italian Mob versus O'Connor .


Judge Sean Bean: Right! Thank you, be seated. We’re going to begin by having Officer Christoph read the official police report. Take a seat on the stand.


(Officer Christoph sits on the witness stand, unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading from it)


OFFICER CHRISTOPH: Incident took place on December 22nd in the 1980s. The defendant, Mr. O'Connor, at the age of 15 he arrived late for his shift at The Burger Slopper joint owned by the Italian Mob and was seen with a large ball of caramel candy apples.



Adi/Walken: Objection! My client’s eating habits are irrelevant to this case, and could cause hunger in the courtroom. Also, you Judge Bean as the Stark guy on Games of Thrones, pretty epic, your honor.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Overruled. I like stories about food. And praise about me. Continue please.



OFFICER CHRISTOPH: Mr. O'Connor proceeded to mosey into the back room, where the plaintiff’s boy friend, and the defendants own Father., Mr. Father O'Connor, was moving a heavy skid of product. Mr. Father O'Connor made a sharp turn, causing the skid to tilt, and he asked his son, Mack O'Connor, the defendant, for a HAND in stopping it from tipping. At that point, Mr. Mack O'Connor gave him a hand... but instead began to clap, and his Father, Mr. O'Connor was subsequently crushed by half a ton of Ketchup bottles, the glass kind. That contained bullets that must have somehow exploded into Mack's Fathers body hence the silly 'shot to death' by the Italian Mob was suggested. Haha... Plus, Mr. Mack O'Connor was then found hiding in the women’s restroom when police arrived on the scene.



Adi/Walken: Objection! My client, Mack O'Connor was not hiding,.. he was dropping a deuce! We have it on record that he had 3 chilli dogs before showing up to work at The Burger Slopper... we have stool sample DNA to confirmn this...



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Overruled! No one wants to hear about Mack O'Connor's bowel movements.



OLD MAN WITH THICK GLASSES AND A HEARING AID IN THE JURY BOX: I do. Full details, please.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Thank you, Officer, you may step down. Mr. Mack O'Connor, you are charged with manslaughter and god awful comedic timing. How do you plead, you piece of shit, you?



MACK/ZANE: Um, hi. I, um, was going to plead innocent. Because I AM INNOCENT! Buuut, my lovely lawyer insists i plead Guilty.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Oh, he admits his guilt! Let’s throw him in the slammer and go to lunch! GIVE HIM THE CHAIR!! YESH! YESH! YESH!!



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Sit down! Mr. Mack O'Connor here is going to have a proper trial. Then we’ll throw him in prison to be butt and mouth raped and THEN we'll all go for lunch. We will now hear opening statements.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honour. Loved you in National Treasure by the way... So... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a man died because Mr. Mack O'Connor, his own father died because Mack chose an inappropriate moment to use the oldest joke in the book. "Give me a Hand?' and someone claps... Wow. If you let him go free, who’s to say he won’t do it again? Who’s to say he won’t dance around in a woman’s clothes with a screechy British Accent under the false assumption that cross-dressing is still funny, or that he won’t shout “Say hello to my little friend!” every time he sees something smaller than he is? Not to mention if he got his hand on a whoopie cushion... Ladies and gentlemen, the victim here was not Mack O'Connor's father. The victim here... without a doubt…was comedy.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Thank you. Defense?



ADI/WALKEN: Ladies and gentlemen, I have one question for you today: Is Mack O'Connor not an attractive man? His sexy stubble, well built body, and prematurely balding scalp that he some how makes it work? Is he not attractive?



(Billy Zane/Mack O'Connor smirks at the jury and winks. The jury murmurs in agreement that Mack is in fact a good looking fellow.)



ADI/WALKEN: That’s all, your honour. Also, I enjoyed you in the National Treasure movie too.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: I've done other work... whatever. Prosecution, your first witness.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I call MACK O'CONNOR to the stand!



(He points dramatically at the defendant, causing the jury to gasp in shock. Mack stands up, fixing his tie as takes the stand.)



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mr. Mack O'Connor, would you please demonstrate for the court what a clap is?



MACK/ZANE: Hmmm.... Seriously? What is this?



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Drop the attitude, Big Mack! Not everyone knows your disturbed methods of passive violence! C'mon show us a clap, Mack. You can clap, can't you?



MACK/ZANE: I’m pretty sure everyone knows how to clap.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Oh? (Turning to the jury) Raise your hand if you don’t know what clapping is? Be honest now...



(Everyone in the jury box raises their hands.)



MACK/ZANE: Oh, come on! These are the people deciding my fate? This doesn't seem right. The Italian Mob killed my father, not a bad joke and...



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: (cutting him off) Just clap for us, Mack O'Connor!!!!



(Mack claps his hands once.)



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Your honour, I’d like to request that Mack O'Connor repeat the action a few times in succession so as not to confuse the clap with a self high five.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Very well. Proceed, with a couple more claps, Mack.



(Mack O'Connor begins applauding, and the jury nods in satisfaction finally understanding what a clap is.)



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: That’s enough, thank you. Mack O'Connor, so on the topic of clapping... how long would you say you clapped for on the night of your fathers deadly incident? 10 seconds, perhaps?



MACK/ZANE: About three minutes. Maybe 4... Wait, this is beside the point. The hilarious hand/applauding joke was BEFORE the death of my father. Has nothing to do with anything. The damn Italian Mob did it... um... 5 minutes to be exact.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: You clapped for five minutes??



MACK/ZANE: Yeppers. That’s correct.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta be the worst comedian in all of bad comedians. Including Dane Cook.



MACK/ZANE: Oh. Ouch. Come on, now. No need to go there. And first of all I am a prowrestler, former OCW World Champion and HALL OF FAMER and I’m not a comedian, your honour. Back then I was just a fry cook. Maybe you should ask these questions to the Italian Mob.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: I wouldn't pay money to watch your stand up OR see you wrestle, kay?



MACK/ZANE: Your honour, I’d like to request that you apologize for hurting my feelings just now. Please...



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Shut up, Mr. Mack O'Connor. Prosecution, continue.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: So, Mack… You say that you clapped for five? Five minutes. Was this a straight five minutes or more of a running total after clapping on and off a few times?



MACK/ZANE: (sighs) Ugh, It was a consistent five minutes. Why would I stop and start again? That would ruin the joke. It's all about timing. I learned that from Carrot Top and Pauley Shore movies...



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mack O'Connor, please, you’re in no position to speculate over the merits of joke telling. So are we to assume that during this FIVE minute window of clapping, the plaintiff girlfriend and your Father, Mr. O'Connor , was crushed and killed, while you continued to stand there and applaud?



MACK/ZANE: He was shot and killed by the Mob... Buuut that is not incorrect.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Please don’t use double negatives in my courtroom!! I hate that, me!



MACK/ZANE: That is very correct, sir.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Please don’t use double positives in my courtroom, too!!! I hate that, me!



MACK/ZANE: …Yes, I watched my father die...



(The jury gasps.)



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: So what you’re saying is you did nothing while an innocent man met his death.



MACK/ZANE: No, I didn’t do nothing. I clapped. Five consistant minutes and walked away and then I watched Mr. Sorvino shoot and murder my father...



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: No further questions.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Defense, your witness.



ADI/WALKEN: Mack O'Connor, you sexy man, you, could you please describe for the court your father, Mr. O'Connor's last moments? How he reacted, what he might’ve said?



MACK/ZANE: Well, he was grunting a lot, i think he shit himself twice... you know trying to push and strain all that bottles of ketchup off of him in a back to an upright position, but, you know, full bottles of ketchup are heavy. Then he screamed, a few gun shots were made and there was a gross crunching sound. It was gross.



ADI/WALKEN: So sad. So awful to witness that. But... do you think your father would laugh at your clap joke?



MACK/ZANE: Yes, I would definitely say that. At first he was screaming at me to help him, but then he looked over and he was like, “BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAH YOU GOT ME, SON! YOU GOT ME! IT'S ON ME!!! I TOTALLY WALKED INTO THAT ONE I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID ‘HAND,’ AW MAN THAT’S HILARIOUS!”



(Mack wipes a tear from his eye)



MACK/ZANE: He was proud of me. He would be proud of me...



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Objection! There’s no way Mack O'Connor's father had the time to say all of that before being crushed by a falling skid of ketchup! Also doubtful he was proud of his son... just my opinion.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Overruled. Let him finish his lie.



ADI/WALKEN: So your father, Mr. O'Connor genuinely laughed at your HILARIOUS visual pun?



MACK/ZANE: Yes, that’s correct.



ADI/WALKEN: Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I don’t know about you losers, but to me it sounds like it was a worthwhile joke now, doesn’t it?



(The jury murmurs in agreement. Judge Sean Bean glares at them.)



JUDGE HARTLEY: Damn, you idiots would let OJ Simpson take your wives out for a dinner, huh? Stupid...



(The jury nods in agreement again.)



ADI/WALKEN: Would it not be fair to say that if Mack's father dies in a horrible accident, it is tragic, yes, but if Mack's father died laughing in a horrible accident, those who could have prevented it should get off scot-free?



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Objection, we already know Mack O'Connor is going to jail! I saw the trailer. He blows a dude in classic, sexy, jail rape.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Sustained. Let’s not give Mack O'Connor any false hope. He will be orally raped and trunk butted too.



(Mack looks crushed as he puts on a sad face looking at the jury.)



ADI/WALKEN: No more further questions, your honour.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Your honour, I call Mrs. Jennifer Connolly to the stand!



(The jury gasps in excitement. Everyone looks around expectantly for a moment. Mrs. Jennifer O'Connolly, Mack's Fathers girlfriend at the time, a grey-haired black lady, approaches the stand and sits down.)



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Shit, I thought it would be the ass-to-ass lady from Requiem of a Dream... Damn.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mrs. O'Connolly, in your opinion, do you think your husband would ever intentionally tip a heavy skid of bottled ketchup onto himself?



MRS. O'CONNOLLY: Oh, no, no.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: And why is that?



MRS. O'CONNOLLY: My gynecologist told Mack's dad that he has an irrational fear of being squashed or crushed.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I want to make sure everyone heard that: Non-Ass-To-Ass Jennifer Connolly own gynecologist, a licensed professional, says that Mack's dad would never crush himself. Who are you going to believe, ladies and gentlemen of the jury? A respected doctor or a wrestler who doesn’t know how to properly tell a joke?



ADI/WALKEN: Objection! Mack O'Connor's joke telling skills can be considered hit or miss. I mean seriously. As i was peeing in the women's bathroom, he was in the next stall telling me this joke one about a midget hooker and a hot plate date and... I swear... I almost laughed.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Sustained, only because I don’t want to hear you tell it. I like my jokes like I like my women. Funny. Racist. and rated PG.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mrs. Jennifer O'Connolly, one final question for you dear: is the person who killed your boyfriend and Mack O'Connor's father in this room today?



MRS. CONNOLLY: Yes.



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Would you kindly point him out for the jury, please?



(Mrs. O'Connolly points to Mack O'Connor. The jury gasps.)



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Let the record show that Not Academy Award Winning Jennifer Connolly pointed to Mack O'Connor.



ADI/WALKEN: Objection your honour, the witness was pointing to this.. um...this glass of water...! Eh?



PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: She was not!



MRS. O'CONNOLLY: Is that what I was pointing at?



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Mrs.O'Connolly, did you or did you not point to the stupid glass of water?



MRS.O'CONNOLLY: Now I’m all confused, guys and gals… Can I try pointing again? I want to get this right. I can do this... one more try.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Proceed. But make it quick. Please



(Mrs. O'Connolly reaches out her finger. It wavers it around for a few moments as she decides where to point it. Finally, she points it downward at the floor to where we see what appears to be shit logs laying there.)



PROSECUTION: (Sigh) Why are you now pointing at the floor?



MRS. O'CONNOLLY: I'm just showing that you have awful custodians at this court house. Someone left a perfectly good pile of dog droppings right there.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Fuck’s sakes, mate! Okay, you’re done lady, Prosecution. Defense, your witness.



ADI/WALKEN: Thank you, your honour. By the way, you should have been in National Treasure 2. But that's just me... um, Mrs. O'Connolly, would you say your boyfriend at the time and Mack's father was a drunk? Drug addict, perhaps? Gambler? Prostitute hunter?



MRS. O'CONNOLLY: No. Of course not.



ADI/WALKEN: Would you say you are a drunk or an addict? Prostitute huntress, maybe??



MRS. BARRY: Oh my, no.



ADI/WALKEN: Mrs. O'Connolly, please. Think carefully. I could really use someone with impaired judgment for this other case I’m working on. It get me out of a serious jam... huh?



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Let’s stick to relevant subject matter, please Miss Walken. Unless it involves actor Tony Jaa. I’d really love to know what he’s been up to lately. He was awesome in Ong Bak. You guys ever see that?



(Crickets)



ADI/WALKEN: oooookay, Mrs. O'Connolly, please tell the court what Mack's father was like when he came home following the incident. When he came home after all that happened to him... how did he act? Hmmm?



MRS. O'CONNOLLY: He… He didn’t come home. He was died.



ADI/WAKEN: No, Mrs. O'Connolly! NOOOOOO! He IS dead. If you use past tense, it makes it sound like he came back to life. Like a zombie? When there is no room in hell, the dead will WALK the earth... Zombies... is Mack O'Connor's father a zombie...??



(Suddenly the doors at the back of the courtroom come flying open, and in walks a elderly, broken, beat up man. this is Mr. O'CONNOR. Mack's father. :: It is Billy Zane in old man beard and make up.)



MACK'S DAD: Dramatic entrance 1.0.1!!!!



(Everyone in the court room turns to stare at him in silence. Cricket sounds again.)



MACK's DAD: It’s me. Mr. O'Connor. Mack's DAD!



(The jury gasps in shock.)



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: How did you get past security?



MACKS DAD: Easy, your honour... Real Easy. I disabled the security system by short circuiting the main power grid yesterday when the courthouse was empty using a stick of gum and some cue tips, and then I snuck in through the ventilation shaft and waited there until today’s trial, when I crawled out after doing a few quiet cartwheels I disabled the guards with chloroform and then changed into one of their uniforms, AND fake mustache, so I could sneak in here undetected. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Well, you may have found the easy way in, but getting out won’t be so easy peasy. Pretending to be dead is a major offense! Seriously, I’m really offended here, EVERYONES FAVORITE ACTOR, SEAN BEAN, IS OFFENDED...

(Crickets)


JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Hate you all... but i am still offended... and a little pissed off! We’ve had to waste so much time at this trial without a single mention of Tony Jaa's next project. I was going to ask Jennifer Connolly but that plan crashed a burned.


MACK/ZANE: Daaaaaaddy? You're alive?


MACK'S DAD(also Zane): Yes... and I am proud of you. I love you son. Remember how I told you your mother died giving birth to you?


MACK/ZANE: ... yes. It has tormented me my entire life.


MACK's DAD: Well... be torture-porn'd no more! COME ON OUT, DEAR!!


(In walks down the court is another Billy Zane performance, this time he is in drag with a wig and floral dress. He approaches them, teary eyed.)


MACKS MOM(3rd Zane): I forgive you, Mack for killing me during the giving birth process.


(A little girl rushes over and hugs Mack. He lifts her up in her arms.)


LITTLE GIRL: LOOK, MACK! TEACHER SAYS WHEN EVER A BELL RINGS, AND ANGEL GETS HER WINGS!!


MACK/ZANE(looking up at the ceiling): Yes... yes... YES! WAY TO GO CLARENCE! WOW, GUYS! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE! My parents are back with me... sure i'm a multiple wrestling world champion and Hall of Famer too... bur you guys are a close second... but... wow... and I don't need to be butt raped. Wait, wait, guys, this is perfect! Dad, you laughed at my joke, right?



MACKS DAD: What jo—oh, the clapping thing! So funny! Like I said, I walked right into it! I’m always walking into jokes, and women’s bathrooms.



MACK/ZANE Me too! That’s where I was after the skid fell on you!



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Order! I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURT!! But... I think we’re about done here. Because I really need to eat something and go to the bathroom. Not in that order, but at the same time. Now, the arrival of Mack's Parents has nullified the manslaughter charge, but let’s not forget about his crimes against the family's awful choice in comedy. Let’s adjourn while the jury deliberates.



(5 Minutes later.)



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: have you reached a verdict?



JURY SPOKESPERSON: We have, your honour. We the jury find the defendant… (dramatic music plays as the Jury person points at Mack O'Connor) ... that the defendant is sitting over there. We did it, everyone! We found him! U! S! A! U! S! A!!



(The jury members cheer wildly high fiving each other chanting USA!. JUDGE SEAN BEAN puts a hand over his face.)



JUDGE SEAN BEAN: Lord, somebody please someone put a bullet in my head, now... please... Okay. I’m going to do this myself. With the revelation that Mack's father did not get killed. Or his mother didn't die in child birth... or the fact that Mack's rough tough life could have been avoided... and, ugh, that his father actually laughed at his sons sorry attempt at humour, I have no choice but to find you both guilty of conspiracy to murder a joke. I’m sentencing you each to 25 years in a state correctional facility with a chance for parole after 10 years if you can make the prison guards laugh. And I mean a real belly laugh with no tickling or farts involved. Case closed, court is adjourned.



(Judge Sean Bean bangs his gavel. The jury murmurs in astonishment, some even wanting Sean Beans autograph. The bailiffs hold back The O'Connor family as they try to protest their sentences. Judge Sean Bean leaves the room carrying a pickle and some toilet tissue.)


MACK/ZANE: Wait... does this mean... I get... to .... NOOOOOOOO???



(CUT TO PRISON)


We see inside a jail cell. Where Mack O'Connor's dad is sitting on the toilet watching as as two other prisoners double teamhis son Mack off camera. The grunts and moans coming from a frightened Mack are quite disturbing. Mack's dad raises a news paper covering the view of his son being abused.The camera zooms in on the headline on the paper, with the article stating "OCW REOPENS!"

FIN

//OOC- Love Ya Mack. No offense. It's way to silly to be taken seriously. But thanks for being a good sport through this crazy idea. Haha
Also, I kind of went long with this ridiculous scene. If anyone does READ this, good luck with the insanity. It was fun anyway.