"Head Games", Outcast vs The Evil Dead, Pt 1

[Outcast]

“When you're hunting' something you're a hunter, and you're strong. Can't nobody beat a hunter. But when you get hunted, that's different. Something happens to you. You aren’t strong: maybe you're fierce, but you aren’t strong.”.

This is the quote from Grapes of Wrath that runs through my head as I sit waiting for my sponge bath and think about Peter Vaughn. To sound cliché, it is straight out of the frying pan and into the fire for me. Beat too sh*t, I’m no longer strong, but now that I have my life’s goal, I’ll protect it more fiercely than anyone before me.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

I spent over two decades climbing to the top of this mountain, and now that I’m at the top I can’t even take a moment to take a deep breath and enjoy the view. I’ve already got challengers nipping at my heels, but honestly, I expected nothing less. However, if you had told me two years ago that the one who is doing the nipping would be Pete Vaughn, I wouldn’t have believed you.

Pete Vaughn, look at you, you've gone from scrubbing skid marks off toilets to snatching babies and trying to kill Dylan Thomas. I know your brain has been damaged by all those years of inhaling cleaning chemicals, and even more brain damage inflicted by being Zybala's lackey, but you've gone off the deep end as of late haven’t you Petey?

I will say this though, you and I are more alike than I'd like to believe or admit. I don't mean in the way that we have both been molded into sociopaths by the cruel b*tch known as fate. I mean how we both have gone from laughing stocks to the most feared men in OCW. You literally crawled through sh*t to get to where you are today, and I've crawled from obscurity and the bottoms of countless bottles to get to where I am today.

I started in GCWA over two decades ago, and here in OCW just shortly after that. Let's be honest, the lines between those two companies intersect so much they become blurred. I started from the bottom and worked my way to the top, but every time I'd get within reach of the world championship I'd get knocked back down. And ya know what, every f**king time I'd get back up. I may have lost count of how many times I've gotten up, but I'm like the river that cut the Grand Canyon, I won't be stopped.

I know you think you're all dark and evil now Petey, and that your darkness can black out the brightest moment of my career. Be honest with yourself though Petey, if you can manage to clear your mind of your make-believe evil bullsh*t long enough to do that. Deep down Pete, you know and I know that you’re still the same sh*t scrubber just playing a part of a darkened mad man.

Me...

I AM THE F**KING DARKNESS!

I'm what the monsters are afraid of. I'm the thing that goes bump in the night. I am everything you are pretending to be Petey.

You want to play evil, well welcome to school motherf**ker. This is an advanced course in evil that you will be taking, I'll be your instructor, the principal, and the super intendant. You want a lesson in evil and darkness, well motherf**ker at Masters of Macabre class is in session.

Suddenly my hospital room door opens and the buxom nurse enters with a tub of water and a giant sponge. I notice her scrubs seem to be replaced with something lacy and her medical coat is hardly buttoned.

"Ready for your sponge bath...CHAMP?" she asks in a naughty tone.

I smile and think to myself, “it is good to be the champ”.

The nurse dips the sponge in the water and lifts it, squeezing it to drain the excess water which just so happens to pour onto her ample chest.

Oops, looks like I’m all wet now.

“Oh, I think you are already,” I say with a smile.

She giggles, and moves to my bed, grabbing my hospital gown and pulling it up. My view of her is blocked by the cloth but I hear her say, “well, clearly you aren’t Jewish.”.

Being a visual creature, I pull the gown from her hand to watch, but what I see shocks me. Gone is her 80’s rock band make-up, blue eyes, red pouty lips, and smooth skin, and now in her place are sharp, jagged teeth, skin greener than the aforementioned teeth, with bumps covering the once smooth skin, and her ocean blue eyes now black as coal.

TIME FOR A LATE-LIFE CIRCUMCISION!

Her snapping-turtle-like mouth heads to my southern region in an attempted remake of The Intern and Forty-Two.

WHAT THE F**K!

I scoot up in my bed narrowly missing a bite that would leave me like John-Wayne Bobbitt. I roll off the side of the bed and keep the bed between myself and the succubus. Her teeth sink into the bed and she bites out a chunk of the mattress. She looks at me with her cold, dead black eyes and spits the foam out of her mouth.

What’s wrong champ, shy?

No, I just don’t like spitters.

She screams with rage and grabs the bed and with unholy strength slings it across the room. She squares me up, and I prepare to fight by ripping the IV from my arm and the various wires and leads from my body.

I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU CHRISTIAN!

You know, I was hoping you’d use your mouth for more than talking.

Well, that certainly pissed her off. She screams like a wild banshee and charges forward like a wild animal. I’m old and beat up, but this old dog knows a few tricks. Petey will learn this first hand, but right now I have to use some tricks against the succubus. I sidestep at the last moment and use her momentum against her. I shove her hard in the back as she passes by me, only increasing her speed, and with the increased speed comes increased horsepower.

She runs right into the window with such force that she shatters it and goes flying through the air to the ground below where she lands on a large generator. She lands awkwardly, her neck hitting the corner of the generator, the force of the sudden stop snaps her head right off and I watch it roll across the rooftop.

Guess she gave up the head after all.

At the crossroads a second time
Make the devil change his mind.
It's a pound of flesh but it's really a ton
99 problems and a bitch ain't one

The blue sky suddenly becomes dark, filled with black clouds. Lightning flashes across the sky and a pungent, sulfuric odor fills the air.

"Something wicked this way comes", I say to myself as I ponder just what in the hell is going on. Little did I know, it was hell that was going on, and it was going on, on Earth.

My mind tries to wrap itself around what is going on, but even with all I've seen in my life, this is still out there. My door flies open unexpectedly and I spin around grabbing a bedpan to use as a weapon.

I know it makes a sh*tty weapon, but it is all that is nearby. As I turn, I see a young doctor ducking down behind my door. I study him for a moment and realize he is still normal, and also terrified.

I hope you aren't here to give me a sponge bath.

He freaks out, I'm surprised he didn't piss his pants. Who knows, maybe he dribbled a bit, I didn't look that close. He spins around and hunkers down deeper into the floor.

Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.

Oh, thank God, it is crazy out there.

What is going on? Is Pennylord behind this? Was it bad Blu Cheese?

Huh? What? No, it's... well, no one is quite sure what is going on.

Typical doctor, doesn't know sh*t about f**k if he didn't read it in a textbook. I grab the remote and turn the news on, I won't get much honesty from them but at least I'll get an idea. What I see on the screen both frightens and disgusts me, and no it isn’t Rachel Maddow or Nancy Grace. What I see is a local news anchor, but she has changed like the nurse, dark eyes, green and bumpy skin, and jagged teeth.

“When your leader uttered the ancient text from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis he unleashed us from hell. Now we are free to take over Earth and devour all the souls that inhabit it. The Demons have been released and they will soon devour you all and bring Hell to Earth,”

I turn the TV off and shake my head in confusion. I look to the doctor to see if he knows anything but he is in a ball in the corner shaking. I’m surprised he isn’t sucking his thumb. I grab my clothes and get dressed; I can’t exactly fight demons with my ass hanging out now, can I?

Wha… what are you going to do?

I flip my Zippo open and let the flame dance at the end of my Newport before taking a drag. As I slowly exhale, I look at the scared little man and give a half-smile.

These demons want to see hell on Earth, and they want to see evil reign, well, I’m going to show them what that looks like,

My words seem to spark confidence in the young doctor. He wipes away the tears from his eyes and slowly stands up. He pulls his lab coat off and crumples it up before throwing it on the floor. The young man looks like he went through puberty in about ten seconds as his chest seems bigger, his shoulders broader, and his voice now full of confidence.

Then I’m coming with you. This is my hospital and if those deadite sons of…

The pre-pubescent Ph.D. is silenced as the door swings open hard and fast, and slams into the Doc, crushing him between the door and the wall. The impact is so hard that it knocks the doc out, gruesomely bashing his skull and splitting his forehead open.

The odd thing is… well all of this is odd, but there is nothing in the doorway, but there is a sense of evil and terror in the room. I feel as if something is rushing towards me, and then as if something is frantically crawling down my throat trying to get inside of me.

It was supposed to be me crawling down the nurse’s throat. Oh, how the tables have turned.

I grab my throat and squeeze tightly trying to cut off the path of whatever is crawling inside me. It isn’t working though, not only am I about to pass out but this invisible demon is slipping through my fingers.

I let go of my neck and swallow deeply and feel it plop into my stomach. I start thinking fast and see a rolling table. I quickly adjust it to waist height and slam it into my stomach as hard as I can. I feel the demon fly out of my mouth like explosive vomit.

I feel drained, not like a beating, but like a giant poop. I stagger back and brace myself against the wall, making sure to keep my mouth closed.

I quickly collect myself and realize the sulfuric smell is gone, but the sense of evil and terror is still there. I push myself back up to my feet and as I get upright, I hear moaning and groaning, and not the kind I had planned on doing with the nurse.

I look over to see the Doc standing on his feet, but like the nurse and the news anchor, he too has changed.

I grab an oxygen tank from the wall and prepare to use it as a club. Poor kid, I’m about to f**k him up worse than his student debt.

Let’s dance, Doogie Howser.

The Doctor lets out a battle cry as he prepares to attack. Then out of nowhere, his head explodes. There is a loud echoing that is the unmistakable ring of a shot, and his decapitated body crumbles to the ground.

I feel the warm blood and gooey grey matter splatter all over my face, and I’ll skip any references to the nurse with this one.

As the headless body drops it reveals the most beautiful Latina I have ever seen in my life, and she is holding the biggest handgun I have ever seen in my life. She not only looks stunning but also quite official as she is dressed in armored military apparel.

Did I just die and go to Heaven, because you must be an angel.


“The angel of death,” she says as she lowers her weapon.

Good looks, killer shot, and a killer whit… my kind of woman. I sit the oxygen tank down and wonder why she is here, and why she just saved me.


Christian Cain, come with me, your country needs you.


If America needs me, sh*t must be bad.


To be continued.