Post by rumormill on Jan 31, 2020 10:08:37 GMT -5
Y'all thought I was gonna forget, huh? But here are the horoscopes on the last day of the month! If you've wait, I'm sorry for taking so long. If you don't care or wanted me to stop, suck it Trebek. Suck it long and suck it hard.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, none of your Super Bowl squares are going to hit this year. They never have and the stars say they never will. You're just donating money at this point.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Beware of clowns, Taurus. After years of paranoia, you are finally right. They ARE out to get you.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
I wouldn't go to Will's Super Bowl party this year, Gemini. While he claims he made the sushi platter himself from scratch, in truth be just got it from the gas station down the street. If you partake, your butt will be in for a world of Diahrea filled hurt.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Cancer, bringing a "Big Bifford" sign to the next Inferno will not end well for you. My crystal ball says that if you bring your sign, Barrows is going to have security fuck you up!
Leo: July 23 - August 22
I would avoid defending your title for the month of February, Leo. The stars say that you will be screwed by shoddy officiating.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You are an idiot, Virgo. After finding out that The Burger King isn't real, you took it upon yourself to proclaim yourself King. You will get arrested the moment you step foot inside a B.K. "restaurant."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
You've been warned Libra. People kept telling you to obey all the parking restriction signs, but you felt you were above it all. Now your Ford F-150 got hit by a garbage truck and you're on the hook for paying for all the damage. You literally parked right in front of the No Parking Thursday 6pm to Monday 6pm. I feel no sympathy for you or your truck.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
I wouldn't pet that neighborhood stray cat if I were you, Scorpio. Yes I know it's cute and friendly as hell and seem to always know when you come home. It does want to live with you, but it's also a giant flea bomb. If you so much as touch it, you will be infested too.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Heeeeey buddy. So I know that you're going to win the final score in all of your Super Bowl pools.
So can I borrow fifty bucks? My crystal ball says it would be in your best interest to say yes, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Dont be paranoid Capricorn. Your assistance aren't stealing from you. Though I would keep an eye on Bill. He's been eyeballing your complete DVD collection of The Office (British Version). I would fire him if I were you.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Wow, Aquarius. Just wow. I know Super Bowl pools are rampant this time a year, but making an office pool for if and when TIO goes back on the coke. You are a depraved fuck!!! (down low though, I wanna buy a few)
Pisces: February 19 - March 20The stars say you better write down that safe word, Pisces. Or else that dominatrix is going to fuck your shit up and not in the way you want.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, none of your Super Bowl squares are going to hit this year. They never have and the stars say they never will. You're just donating money at this point.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Beware of clowns, Taurus. After years of paranoia, you are finally right. They ARE out to get you.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
I wouldn't go to Will's Super Bowl party this year, Gemini. While he claims he made the sushi platter himself from scratch, in truth be just got it from the gas station down the street. If you partake, your butt will be in for a world of Diahrea filled hurt.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Cancer, bringing a "Big Bifford" sign to the next Inferno will not end well for you. My crystal ball says that if you bring your sign, Barrows is going to have security fuck you up!
Leo: July 23 - August 22
I would avoid defending your title for the month of February, Leo. The stars say that you will be screwed by shoddy officiating.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You are an idiot, Virgo. After finding out that The Burger King isn't real, you took it upon yourself to proclaim yourself King. You will get arrested the moment you step foot inside a B.K. "restaurant."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
You've been warned Libra. People kept telling you to obey all the parking restriction signs, but you felt you were above it all. Now your Ford F-150 got hit by a garbage truck and you're on the hook for paying for all the damage. You literally parked right in front of the No Parking Thursday 6pm to Monday 6pm. I feel no sympathy for you or your truck.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
I wouldn't pet that neighborhood stray cat if I were you, Scorpio. Yes I know it's cute and friendly as hell and seem to always know when you come home. It does want to live with you, but it's also a giant flea bomb. If you so much as touch it, you will be infested too.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Heeeeey buddy. So I know that you're going to win the final score in all of your Super Bowl pools.
So can I borrow fifty bucks? My crystal ball says it would be in your best interest to say yes, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Dont be paranoid Capricorn. Your assistance aren't stealing from you. Though I would keep an eye on Bill. He's been eyeballing your complete DVD collection of The Office (British Version). I would fire him if I were you.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Wow, Aquarius. Just wow. I know Super Bowl pools are rampant this time a year, but making an office pool for if and when TIO goes back on the coke. You are a depraved fuck!!! (down low though, I wanna buy a few)
Pisces: February 19 - March 20The stars say you better write down that safe word, Pisces. Or else that dominatrix is going to fuck your shit up and not in the way you want.