Post by rumormill on Oct 30, 2019 9:59:59 GMT -5
Yes, yes. We just saw that last month's Rumor Mill Horoscopes was titled for October instead of September. Our bad. Just enjoy.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, prepare to have your house egged again this year. You have been warned about handing out candy corn. Yes, I realize that you think it's delicious, but you are the minority.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
I apologize, Taurus. Here I thought that you were just obsessed with incest. Little did I know that it was all research to prove that Lilith, Sara, and Mike Best are all related. Stay the course, Taurus. My crystal ball has shown me that you will find your desired results.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Winning a dollar after spending ten on scratch-offs is NOT considered a win, Gemini. It's not even breaking even. The stars say if you keep this way of thinking up, prepare to be homeless by Christmas.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Don't put razors in the candy, Cancer. Come on man, that's just fucked up.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Seriously, Leo. What the fuck IS your sexual orientation you androgynous son of a bitch?? Not even my crystal ball can crack that mystery.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
However. Virgo, my crystal ball knowns what way you swing, and it says go and ask Tiffany out. She IS interested. So shine on you Lesbian diamond! Get you some!
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Seriously, Libra? Even after my warning last month, AND there horrible season so far, you're STILL sticking with a Dolphins heavy fantasy team? The stars don't know if you're stupid or aiming for last place.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Don't go to that Paul McCartney concert. I know it's a once in a lifetime experience, but trust me on this Scorpio. You will get mugged, and have your kidneys stolen. Both of them. By McCartney's people. He stock piles organs. How did you think he was still able to keep performing at his age?
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Beta Max will never make a come back. I don't even know why you still have the tapes of the stock options. It went the way of the dodo, Sagittarius. Give up hope.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
I agree with you, Capricorn. You SHOULD be the OCW X-Factor champion. It's not your fault that nobody else showed up for a scheduled show like you did. Not even the fans were there. But don't lose hope. My crystal ball says that if you ask the powers that be real nice like, they'll probably just make you champion.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Unlike Aquarius, who will never be champion of anything. According to the stars, you are like the 1970s version of Aquaman. Pretty much useless in everything except one specific thing. And that thing is your job. Never have dreams, Aquarius. The stars aren't in your favor.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Pisces, I'm said to say, you let the gimp die. The look on your face tells me that you forgot you left him locked up in your sex dungeon/ basement. This is why your parents said you couldn't have pets while growing up. You're a forgetful person. Sadly, this isn't the first sex gimp you've let died. According to the ol' crystal ball, it won't be the last.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, prepare to have your house egged again this year. You have been warned about handing out candy corn. Yes, I realize that you think it's delicious, but you are the minority.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
I apologize, Taurus. Here I thought that you were just obsessed with incest. Little did I know that it was all research to prove that Lilith, Sara, and Mike Best are all related. Stay the course, Taurus. My crystal ball has shown me that you will find your desired results.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Winning a dollar after spending ten on scratch-offs is NOT considered a win, Gemini. It's not even breaking even. The stars say if you keep this way of thinking up, prepare to be homeless by Christmas.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Don't put razors in the candy, Cancer. Come on man, that's just fucked up.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Seriously, Leo. What the fuck IS your sexual orientation you androgynous son of a bitch?? Not even my crystal ball can crack that mystery.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
However. Virgo, my crystal ball knowns what way you swing, and it says go and ask Tiffany out. She IS interested. So shine on you Lesbian diamond! Get you some!
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Seriously, Libra? Even after my warning last month, AND there horrible season so far, you're STILL sticking with a Dolphins heavy fantasy team? The stars don't know if you're stupid or aiming for last place.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Don't go to that Paul McCartney concert. I know it's a once in a lifetime experience, but trust me on this Scorpio. You will get mugged, and have your kidneys stolen. Both of them. By McCartney's people. He stock piles organs. How did you think he was still able to keep performing at his age?
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Beta Max will never make a come back. I don't even know why you still have the tapes of the stock options. It went the way of the dodo, Sagittarius. Give up hope.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
I agree with you, Capricorn. You SHOULD be the OCW X-Factor champion. It's not your fault that nobody else showed up for a scheduled show like you did. Not even the fans were there. But don't lose hope. My crystal ball says that if you ask the powers that be real nice like, they'll probably just make you champion.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Unlike Aquarius, who will never be champion of anything. According to the stars, you are like the 1970s version of Aquaman. Pretty much useless in everything except one specific thing. And that thing is your job. Never have dreams, Aquarius. The stars aren't in your favor.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Pisces, I'm said to say, you let the gimp die. The look on your face tells me that you forgot you left him locked up in your sex dungeon/ basement. This is why your parents said you couldn't have pets while growing up. You're a forgetful person. Sadly, this isn't the first sex gimp you've let died. According to the ol' crystal ball, it won't be the last.