Post by rumormill on Sept 16, 2019 10:43:52 GMT -5
All because you guys wanted more, we decided to give you more. Here is this month's Rumor Mill Horoscopes!
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, what did you expect to happen? You spent every day last week having at least one visit to the Chinese Buffet. Of course you were going to have the Hershey Squirts all weekend long. The stars say that you really need to change your diet. If not for your health, do it for your wardrobe. How often can you wash out those streaks in your underwear??
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
I know I said last time that it was o.k to watch the incest porn, but I was just talking about WATCHING it. Writing your own fanfic is a whole other story, Taurus. Especially when you and your cousin Jenny are your main characters. I'm worried about you, buddy. Find a new genre.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
How do I put this gently?? He's just not that in to you Gemini. I'm sure that you're a delight to be around, and could be charming in your own way, but Tom at work doesn't like you like that. Plus, when he clearly told that "He's NOT gay" should have been a sign to back off. You need this job. Don't fuck it up.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Stop trying to bond with your step-son. No matter how hard you try, the ungrateful turd will never respect you. Just focus on your husband and the happiness you two bring each other.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Seriously, Leo. Why did you even bother getting out of bed this morning? Binge watching Netflix is the highlight of your day. Find a job, find a hobby, find SOMETHING! You can't live off your parents forever.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Virgo, my crystal ball says go for it. What's it? Everything!! Max out your credit card, ask out that cute girl working at McDonald's, bet like a baller at the casino. Just live your best life! You will have good luck with EVERYTHING!!! Up until that A.C. falls out of that 4th floor window and crushes you like a bug.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Hate to tell you this Libra, but The Dolphins are going to be horrible this year. I know that 70% of your fantasy is Miami, but a good season isn't in the stars for them. At least it's early in the season to make some moves.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Putting laxatives in Halloween candy is NOT a funny prank, Scorpio. It's not even a bad prank. It's just plain horrible, and you're an evil person for even thinking about it. Dressing up as a Catholic Priest while doing it is just the shit frosting on the crap cake of your idea. How you got on the P.T.A. is beyond even my astral understanding.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Sorry to be the one to break the news to you Sagittarius, but your wife is pregnant and it IS yours. I know that's going to hinder your plans of divorce. No one should ever go through that kind of mental abuse every day. We both know what you're going to have to do... Wait, why do you have that gun!?! Put that shit down!! No, I wasn't talking about murder/suicide you dark fuck! I was gonna say take care of her throughout the pregnancy. Some people change when they're pregnant and she might change for the good. But also keep your lawyer in speed-dial just in case she doesn't. Get yourself and your newborn out of that madness if need be.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Get you something for Christmas." I'm still laughing, Capricorn!
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
No, trying to become "The NEW Purple V.I.P." will not propel you to instant stardom, Aquarius. It's not that's its a bad gimmick. It's because you suck as a wrestler. You wouldn't even make it as a jobber in OUTSIDERS!!
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
I'd stop calling yourself "a hero" if I were you, Pisces. You're not a soldier, you're not a cop, or a firefighter, or a doctor. You go donate Plasma. Yes, I understand that the plasma helps people a great deal, but hero is stretching it a bit thin. At best, it would make you a good person. WOULD being the operative word, since you only go donate a CSL just to get booze and hooker money. THEN you blantently lie about sleeping with said hookers, which is on the "Do NOT Donate" part of the questionare. You are not a hero, your a sack of shit. The stars don't lie.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, what did you expect to happen? You spent every day last week having at least one visit to the Chinese Buffet. Of course you were going to have the Hershey Squirts all weekend long. The stars say that you really need to change your diet. If not for your health, do it for your wardrobe. How often can you wash out those streaks in your underwear??
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
I know I said last time that it was o.k to watch the incest porn, but I was just talking about WATCHING it. Writing your own fanfic is a whole other story, Taurus. Especially when you and your cousin Jenny are your main characters. I'm worried about you, buddy. Find a new genre.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
How do I put this gently?? He's just not that in to you Gemini. I'm sure that you're a delight to be around, and could be charming in your own way, but Tom at work doesn't like you like that. Plus, when he clearly told that "He's NOT gay" should have been a sign to back off. You need this job. Don't fuck it up.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Stop trying to bond with your step-son. No matter how hard you try, the ungrateful turd will never respect you. Just focus on your husband and the happiness you two bring each other.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Seriously, Leo. Why did you even bother getting out of bed this morning? Binge watching Netflix is the highlight of your day. Find a job, find a hobby, find SOMETHING! You can't live off your parents forever.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Virgo, my crystal ball says go for it. What's it? Everything!! Max out your credit card, ask out that cute girl working at McDonald's, bet like a baller at the casino. Just live your best life! You will have good luck with EVERYTHING!!! Up until that A.C. falls out of that 4th floor window and crushes you like a bug.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Hate to tell you this Libra, but The Dolphins are going to be horrible this year. I know that 70% of your fantasy is Miami, but a good season isn't in the stars for them. At least it's early in the season to make some moves.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Putting laxatives in Halloween candy is NOT a funny prank, Scorpio. It's not even a bad prank. It's just plain horrible, and you're an evil person for even thinking about it. Dressing up as a Catholic Priest while doing it is just the shit frosting on the crap cake of your idea. How you got on the P.T.A. is beyond even my astral understanding.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Sorry to be the one to break the news to you Sagittarius, but your wife is pregnant and it IS yours. I know that's going to hinder your plans of divorce. No one should ever go through that kind of mental abuse every day. We both know what you're going to have to do... Wait, why do you have that gun!?! Put that shit down!! No, I wasn't talking about murder/suicide you dark fuck! I was gonna say take care of her throughout the pregnancy. Some people change when they're pregnant and she might change for the good. But also keep your lawyer in speed-dial just in case she doesn't. Get yourself and your newborn out of that madness if need be.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Get you something for Christmas." I'm still laughing, Capricorn!
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
No, trying to become "The NEW Purple V.I.P." will not propel you to instant stardom, Aquarius. It's not that's its a bad gimmick. It's because you suck as a wrestler. You wouldn't even make it as a jobber in OUTSIDERS!!
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
I'd stop calling yourself "a hero" if I were you, Pisces. You're not a soldier, you're not a cop, or a firefighter, or a doctor. You go donate Plasma. Yes, I understand that the plasma helps people a great deal, but hero is stretching it a bit thin. At best, it would make you a good person. WOULD being the operative word, since you only go donate a CSL just to get booze and hooker money. THEN you blantently lie about sleeping with said hookers, which is on the "Do NOT Donate" part of the questionare. You are not a hero, your a sack of shit. The stars don't lie.
