Post by rumormill on Aug 5, 2019 7:32:07 GMT -5
We here at the Rumor Mill decided to try something new. If you like it, leave a like. If not, don't. We may do this monthly if enough people enjoy this.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Dream small. If someone tells you to shoot for the stars, tell them to fuck off. Stay in your lane Aries. That way you'll never be disappointed.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You know, Taurus, it's OK if you like incest porn. No one is here to judge you. But if you leave your laptop open in the locker room, people WILL talk. Watch that shit at home.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Whatever you do Gemini, do NOT go over to Will's house for that so called "friendly" poker game. That smooth talking sonofabitch plans to fleece you out of all your money. Sure, he'll offer you booze and charm you with his southern charm and accent, but it's a ploy! He only cares about cleaning out your wallet.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
You on the other hand Cancer, CAN go to the poker game. You have more money than the rest of us, and you smugly wave it around. Honestly, it's getting annoying and Will beating you is the humbling we all want you to have.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Why did you even bother getting out of bed this morning?
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Virgo, I'm gonna level with you. You may think that you're the lord of the road, but the stars have a message for you. If you keep cutting in front of garbage trucks because you don't wanna get stuck behind them, you're eventually gonna get hit. Trust me, you won't win that one. Garbage trucks are at least 36,000 pounds, and that's without the garbage in it. Your Kia Soul will get crushed like a beer can at a redneck cookout, and that's with you inside. And if you think that you'll be able to sue; I've got some bad news for you. The city lawyers are vicious and will look for every teeny tiny detail to point the blame at you, then counter-sue for you damaging city property. Moral of the story; don't be a dick driver.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
You will win a morning radio show contest today! Hurray for you! Unfortunately, it's a meet and greet with Mike Best, and he is not in the greatest of moods lately. Losing a title and streak will do that to a guy. Prepare for twenty minutes of awkward silence, him not looking up from his phone, and God help you if you need to sneeze. If you disturb his Candy Crush game, he WILL fuck you up. Good luck!
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Beware Halloween this year, Scorpio. My crystal ball shows that you will go to your friend Jim's yearly party, and it will be epic. Steve will think that jumping through a flaming table is a great idea, Paul throws up on the cat, and Stephanie from the office starts streaking. Amy will bring her friend Erica, who you will be immediately attracted to. She will be dressed as a slutty pumpkin and your inner Ted Mosby will sing songs of joy. Good news, she thinks you're cute!! You two spend the whole night talking and you think she's great! Sure, she's a Nickleback fan. But you can look past that. You two make your two Jim's guest room and things will start getting close to triple X territory. Thats when she will tell you that she was born Eric, and "her" surgery is next week. Whether you choose to continue is up to you, no judgement here.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Bad news for you too. Sagittarius. It seems that Uncle Chris WILL be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year. Sure, he claims to be sober, but we know that he says that every year. The choice to invite him is up to you, but do you want to run the risk of him giving his usual "The Hispanics are ruining the country" speech? Especially when this is the Thanksgiving that you plan on introducing your new Puerto Rican boyfriend to the family??
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
What am I getting you for Christmas??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's adorable. You silly goose.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Prepare to have a date with a pint of Ben and Jerry's this Valentine's Day. Yes, you have a girlfriend now, and things are going great, but the stars are saying that it won't last long. She's already seeing your buddy, Will. Yes, THAT Will. It's the southern accent. Dump that cheating harlot now so you're the one who has the upper hand. You can hold your head up high with pride as you eat your ice cream; knowing full well that you are the dumper, not the dumpee.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
I'd keep your eye on Josie at work. She may seem cool to talk to during lunch, and she does have some funny stories about her cats, but don't trust her. The stars say that she is mistaking your friendliness as attraction, and she's starting to talk to her family about you. She is referring to you as her boyfriend. It's too late to stop talking to her. The spirits of the astral plane say that if you break communication, she will go to H.R. and file a sexual harassment complaint against you. Sadly, she will win. Your only option now is to give your two weeks notice, fake your death, and move to a different state with a new identity. It may seem like an overreaction, but trust me. It will be a LOT easy than dealing with the shit storm this woman will bring into your life.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Dream small. If someone tells you to shoot for the stars, tell them to fuck off. Stay in your lane Aries. That way you'll never be disappointed.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You know, Taurus, it's OK if you like incest porn. No one is here to judge you. But if you leave your laptop open in the locker room, people WILL talk. Watch that shit at home.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Whatever you do Gemini, do NOT go over to Will's house for that so called "friendly" poker game. That smooth talking sonofabitch plans to fleece you out of all your money. Sure, he'll offer you booze and charm you with his southern charm and accent, but it's a ploy! He only cares about cleaning out your wallet.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
You on the other hand Cancer, CAN go to the poker game. You have more money than the rest of us, and you smugly wave it around. Honestly, it's getting annoying and Will beating you is the humbling we all want you to have.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Why did you even bother getting out of bed this morning?
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Virgo, I'm gonna level with you. You may think that you're the lord of the road, but the stars have a message for you. If you keep cutting in front of garbage trucks because you don't wanna get stuck behind them, you're eventually gonna get hit. Trust me, you won't win that one. Garbage trucks are at least 36,000 pounds, and that's without the garbage in it. Your Kia Soul will get crushed like a beer can at a redneck cookout, and that's with you inside. And if you think that you'll be able to sue; I've got some bad news for you. The city lawyers are vicious and will look for every teeny tiny detail to point the blame at you, then counter-sue for you damaging city property. Moral of the story; don't be a dick driver.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
You will win a morning radio show contest today! Hurray for you! Unfortunately, it's a meet and greet with Mike Best, and he is not in the greatest of moods lately. Losing a title and streak will do that to a guy. Prepare for twenty minutes of awkward silence, him not looking up from his phone, and God help you if you need to sneeze. If you disturb his Candy Crush game, he WILL fuck you up. Good luck!
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Beware Halloween this year, Scorpio. My crystal ball shows that you will go to your friend Jim's yearly party, and it will be epic. Steve will think that jumping through a flaming table is a great idea, Paul throws up on the cat, and Stephanie from the office starts streaking. Amy will bring her friend Erica, who you will be immediately attracted to. She will be dressed as a slutty pumpkin and your inner Ted Mosby will sing songs of joy. Good news, she thinks you're cute!! You two spend the whole night talking and you think she's great! Sure, she's a Nickleback fan. But you can look past that. You two make your two Jim's guest room and things will start getting close to triple X territory. Thats when she will tell you that she was born Eric, and "her" surgery is next week. Whether you choose to continue is up to you, no judgement here.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Bad news for you too. Sagittarius. It seems that Uncle Chris WILL be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year. Sure, he claims to be sober, but we know that he says that every year. The choice to invite him is up to you, but do you want to run the risk of him giving his usual "The Hispanics are ruining the country" speech? Especially when this is the Thanksgiving that you plan on introducing your new Puerto Rican boyfriend to the family??
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
What am I getting you for Christmas??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's adorable. You silly goose.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Prepare to have a date with a pint of Ben and Jerry's this Valentine's Day. Yes, you have a girlfriend now, and things are going great, but the stars are saying that it won't last long. She's already seeing your buddy, Will. Yes, THAT Will. It's the southern accent. Dump that cheating harlot now so you're the one who has the upper hand. You can hold your head up high with pride as you eat your ice cream; knowing full well that you are the dumper, not the dumpee.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
I'd keep your eye on Josie at work. She may seem cool to talk to during lunch, and she does have some funny stories about her cats, but don't trust her. The stars say that she is mistaking your friendliness as attraction, and she's starting to talk to her family about you. She is referring to you as her boyfriend. It's too late to stop talking to her. The spirits of the astral plane say that if you break communication, she will go to H.R. and file a sexual harassment complaint against you. Sadly, she will win. Your only option now is to give your two weeks notice, fake your death, and move to a different state with a new identity. It may seem like an overreaction, but trust me. It will be a LOT easy than dealing with the shit storm this woman will bring into your life.