Post by SYREN IS BEST on Mar 18, 2014 1:33:21 GMT -5
This is a half-written show from a federation we used to run called Unicorn City Magical Wrestling Federation. It lasted six hours.
Everything you are about to read is real.
****
The song “Halloween” by Stephen Lynch plays over the PA system. A single, spooky red spotlight shines down on the spooky ring. Everything is very quiet. And also spooky. The only object in the ring is a spooky jack-o-lantern. It’s face is mean. And also spooky. Suddenly, the pumpkin EXPLODES with a huge ball of fire!!! (It’s very fucking spooky.) When the explosion is done, Scott Syren is standing in the ring where the pumpkin once was. The crowd goes super-crazy. The lights fade up. Scott Syren flexes his biceps in the ring and riles the crowd up even further. The scene cuts to the announce table where we see a stunned Bob Saget and Skeletor.
Saget: Fans, we’ve just seen a magical pumpkin explode to reveal our CEO and Grand Admiral, Scott Syren! I have a boner and we’ve only been on the air for seven seconds!
Skeletor: Ha! Ha! Ha! I love explosions!
Saget: We’re coming to you live from an abandoned warehouse in New Orleans. It’s very damp in here, but it’s the only venue we could afford! I’m Bob Saget along with my partner Skeletor—Tommy Flamer’s whereabouts are unknown at this time!
Skeletor: Make another vegetable explode; that shit was tight.
Saget: Let’s hear what Mr. Syren has to say.
Syren: Happy Halloween, you spooky little bitches!!! Trick or treat, smell my feet—and then suck my motherfucking cock!
The crowd boos loudly, but not because they’re mad—they’re just acting like spooky ghosts.
Syren: Now I promised you all some sweet-ass Halloween gimmick matches and I’m going to deliver. First off, Taryn versus Ricky the Blatantly Homosexual Raccoon is going to be what I call a “SPOOKY GHOST MATCH.” Both participants will have to wear white sheets over their heads, so they look like spooky ghosts.
The crowd mumbles unhappily; they aren’t impressed.
Syren: Next, we’ll have Dark Lord Pervis and Lord G. Nutt in a LIGHTS-OUT MATCH! All of the lights in the arena will be turned out for this match to make it more mysterious… and also spooky!
The crowd continues to murmur and grumble.
Saget: Scott Syren coming up with some seriously awful ideas here tonight!
Syren: The next match, Kung Fu Squirrel versus Frost, will be… A CANCELLED MATCH!!! And both wrestlers will be awarded with a VERY SPOOKY FUCKING LOSS on their record!
The crowd changes their tune for this one: they cheer wildly and begin to chant “FUCK THEM BOTH! FUCK THEM BOTH!”
Syren: Right on! Then we have a totally killer three-way match… and that’s going to be a TOTALLY KILLER THREE-WAY MATCH! We’re going to fill the ring with FLESH EATING ZOMBIES for this match! These dudes won’t just be fighting each other—they’ll be fighting for their lives!!!
The crowd goes wild, but you get the feeling that they might be a trifle skeptical. I mean seriously… zombies?
Skeletor: ZOMBIES!!! HAR! HAR! HAR! BLOW THEM ALL UP WITH FIRE AND HATRED!!!
Syren: Last but not least, our tag-team main event will be a PUMPKIN PATCH MIDNIGHT MATCH!!! Which means it will be held in a pumpkin patch. At midnight.
The Crowd kind of cheers, but kind of doesn’t, you get the feeling that they’re saying something along the lines of: “Hm, that’s kind of gay, but not THAT gay. Well… it’s PRETTY gay… I mean, it’s not particularly cool, but it’s not the WORST idea we’ve ever heard. We don’t know, we guess we were just expecting more from the Halloween main event.”
Syren: Oh, and I forgot to mention—certain random pumpkins will be FILLED WITH LANDMINES!!!
Saget: What?! Landmines!? My god, we’ve just heard an EXPLOSIVE announcement by Mr. Syren!
Skeletor: And we’ve just heard a REALLY AWFUL pun by Bob Saget!
Scott Syren is about to leave the ring, but suddenly a song plays over the PA System! It is “I Can’t Drive 55” by Sammy Hagar. Tommy Flamer comes out wearing a Camaro T-Shirt and silver sunglasses. The crowd goes into a total uproar; they spit on him and throw pieces of trash and feces.
Flamer: L-O-L! Yeah, what did you say? Oh, I know your mom likes me, dumb gay crowd. Why don’t you quit throwing poop at me and put it back in your butts next to your sister’s dick, ----?
Saget: Well, the mystery of our colleague’s whereabouts has been solved. But what exactly is he doing?
Flamer climbs into the ring and gets into Syren’s face. Syren looks mildly amused.
Flamer: All right, Scott SyLAME! You made a big mistake by hiring your biggest enemy to do announcing in this stupid Unicorn gay wrestling club!
The crowd groans and chants “PLEASE KILL HIM, SYREN! PLEASE KILL HIM, SYREN!”
Flamer: Why is this federation about unicorns anyway? Maybe you like unicorns to put their big horn in your gay butthole! L-O-fucking-L; OWNED, BITCH!
Syren: Okay, Tommy.
Flamer: Okay? More like OH NO, GET OUT OF MY BED, DADDY!!!
Syren: Why do you smell like gasoline—are you going to… oh Jesus Christ, not again…
Without warning, Tommy Flamer pulls out a small lighter and lights his whole body on fire. He looks like the Human Torch, but much more annoying. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and points to Syren threateningly.
Flamer: PREPARE TO GET FLAMED, BITCH!
Syren sighs loudly, then pulls down his pants and with excellent aim, pisses all over Flamer. Flamer starts to cry and hops down from the turnbuckle. Syren keeps peeing. He finishes up by peeing right in Tommy Flamer’s eyes. Tommy falls to the mat, screaming. Syren shakes the excess pee off his dick into Tommy’s hair. But Syren isn’t done. He starts to crank his massive penis.
Saget: Uh-oh!!! Are we seeing a return to the days of Scott “Whack Off” Syren?!
Saget’s guess is proven right: Syren blows a massive load of jizz in Tommy Flamer’s mouth. The crowd eats it up—not literally!
Saget: Friends, we’re going to cut to a commercial.
A terrible commercial comes on. Something about hot biscuits. They look pretty fucking gross. When we return to Rainbow, we see that our first match is getting underway. A pissed-on, jazzed-on, burned-up Tommy Flamer is sitting at the announcer’s table with Bob Saget and Skeletor.
Nameless Announcer: Folks, this first match will be a SPOOKY GHOST MATCH!
A few old ladies in the crowd faint from fear. They get raped instantly.
Nameless Announcer: Introducing first, Taryn!!!
The lights turn to red as "Cheese Cakes" hits the speakers. A white spotlight focuses on Taryn walking towards the ring. He's wearing his in-ring attire and black skater shoes. As a means to show off a bit and show how agile he is, Taryn jumps from the floor to the edge of the ring from outside, then jumps over the top rope to land on his feet in the ring. With a cute little smirk he kicks off his shoes to show his best weapons; his bare feet. He wiggle his toes a bit and then gets in a corner. "Cheese Cakes" fades out as the lights go back to normal. The referee hands Taryn a white sheet with two eyeholes and tells him to put it on his head.
Saget: Wow, what an amazing entrance! He must be paying for that shit out of his own paycheck!
Skeletor: No shit! I’m only getting ten dollars a month for this announcing gig!
Ricky Raccoon comes out. To make a long story short, Ricky Raccoon gets his ass kicked because he fucking sucks. Imagine that we have recorded this on DVR (or TiVo if you prefer) and we FAST FORWARD!!! Bbzzbbzbzbzzzziiiggght (my fast-forward noise.)
Saget: Well! Taryn made his presence felt on our first broadcast, and he gets the job done here tonight in a SPOOKY GHOST MATCH!
Skeletor: Yeah he did! Much like He-Man, I don’t think Ricky Raccoon even got a single move in!
Saget: You’re right. That Ricky Raccoon sure is a total dipshit, hey boys?
Skeletor: Agreed, Bob.
Saget: You’re awfully quiet tonight, Flamer.
Flamer: Shut up.
Saget: Next up, the Lights-Out match!!!
Before the match can get underway, Dark Lord Pervis walks out to the ring and takes the microphone away from Nameless Announcer.
DLP: Yeah, I was high on acid and I already beat the shit out of that G Nutt guy backstage… so, uhhh… I guess he won’t be here tonight.
The crowd cheers loudly and gives Pervis high-fives as he strolls to the back. The referee shrugs and announces that Dark Lord Pervis is the winner of the lights-out match.
Skeletor: Thank god. I’d kill myself if I had to sit through something as retarded as a lights-out match.
Saget: I’ve been meaning to ask you about that… aren’t you technically dead already?
Awkward pause.
Skeletor: I don’t know… I mean… I’m a skeleton… and cartoons aren’t real in the first place. Fuck, who knows.
Saget: Well, next up is the CANCELLED MATCH between Kung Fu Squirrel and Frost!
Short pause.
Saget: Well, that was an uneventful match.
Skeletor: Everyone loses!!! Everyone loses!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Saget: This is truly an unprecedented night in wrestling history! We’ve already gone through three matches and we haven’t seen a single wrestling move!!!
Skeletor: No! There were wrestling moves in Taryn’s match!
Saget: Yeah, but I get the distinct feeling that everyone watching Rainbow has it on TiVo and they fast-forwarded that match.
Skeletor: Yeah, good point. I mean I would have fast-forwarded it if I could have… I just can’t stand watching that Ricky Raccoon jackass. I’d rather dig my own eyes out with a spoon—if I had eyes.
Saget: Agreed. Ricky Raccoon is a fucking waste of life.
Flamer: Shut up or I’ll call PETA on you.
Saget: What was that, Tommy?
Flamer: Nothing. *sniffle, sniffle*
Saget: Okay, time for the three-way ZOMBIE MATCH!
Skeletor: Hell yeah!
A long line of zombies comes from the back. The song “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by Cutting Crew plays over the P.A. because somebody has a very poor sense of humor. The zombies are green and spooky and they are funny to watch. Sometimes their arms or legs fall off. Sometimes they wander into the crowd and bite or otherwise kill spectators. Most of them find their way to the ring. There are about two-dozen zombies in all.
Saget: Wow, I’ve never seen anything like this before!
Skeletor: Yeah, this is kind of fucked up.
Saget: It’s Halloween! What do you expect?
Skeletor: Actually it’s like two days after Halloween because the staff of this federation is drunk and lazy.
Saget: SHHHHH! I’m getting word from the back—wait, we have a camera crew back there.
We cut backstage and we see “The Flatulent Beast” Ryu Izuma stuck in the door of the locker-room. He can’t get out because he’s so fucking fat and hideous. He stands there looking befuddled, with a Twinkie hanging out of his mouth. Also, his short, flaccid dick is hanging out of his sumo pants. It ain’t much, but he doesn’t mind because he hasn’t been able to see it since he was five.
Saget: Fans, it looks like Ryu Izuma will not make it to this match—he’s stuck in a god damned doorway!
Skeletor: Ha! Ha! Ha! And look at his short, stupid penis hanging out!!! It’s so tiny and dumb!
Flamer: You’re looking… penis… looking at it… gay…
Skeletor: Shut the fuck up, Tommy. You’re the one who took a hot load of cum in the mouth!
Saget: Ha! Ha! Hell yeah he did!
Flamer: You guys are mean dummies.
Meanwhile, Javi Tovioli and Brutality have both entered the ring. This is convenient, because introductions are long and boring and nobody really likes to type or read them anyway. The referee is busy trying to keep the zombies from killing the wrestlers before the match even begins. Tovioli is wearing his “Syren is a fuckin cunt” t-shirt and Brutality is looking very brutal.
Saget: And we’re ready to start our zombie match! This should be a good one—neither of these wrestlers has had a match yet, but they both look very, very promising.
The bell rings. Brutality starts the action off by picking up a zombie and gorilla-press slamming him right into Tovioli. The zombie explodes, leaving Javi covered in a mess of green slime and zombie parts.
Saget: Ewww!
Javier quickly retaliates. He kicks a zombie in the head, and the head goes flying into Brutality’s chest. Brutality staggers back into his corner.
Saget: Creative use of the zombies by the competitors so far!
Skeletor: I’m still rooting for the zombies!
Saget: Skeletor, I don’t know if the zombies can technically win this match…
Skeletor: FUCK YOU, HE-MAN!!! I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!
As Brutality is recovering in the corner, a horde of zombies movies in on him. They begin to claw and lick at his massive, ripped body. With a scream of rage, Brutality flexes all of his muscles at once, causing FIVE ZOMBIES TO EXPLODE COMPLETELY. Across the ring, Javier looks a little scared by this display of power.
