Post by "The Headliner" Harold Jones on Feb 13, 2014 14:22:24 GMT -5
*** We are coming to you live inside the Skyline Comedy Café in Appleton Wisconsin. On stage is the comedian Cash Levy, but the real headliner is in the audience as Harold Jones is in attendance for Levy’s already in progress performance. ***
“Lions sleep for 85% of the day, and have sex up to 55 times a day. That’s what we should be shooting for. I would love to get that much sleep.”
***The audience laughs at Levy‘s joke, but Harold is completely unimpressed. Harold leans over to the person sitting next to him at his round table and speaks his displeasure loudly. ***
“That’s lame, nobody could sleep for 20 hours without borderline being in a coma. And having sex 55 times a day… impossible for humans. They would overdose on Viagra just trying.”
***Cash Levy looks at Harold having heard what he said. Levy chooses to ignore it as the unknown male patron sitting next to Harold politely tells him to “shh”. Levy continues on with his show.***
“When my last girlfriend wanted to get a little serious, I had to use the old wild stallion technique to get her back in. I said, 'Baby, I'm like a wild stallion. You try to put a saddle on a wild stallion, he'll run and he'll run and run some more. But if you let a wild stallion run free, hey may come back to the barn.' Yeah, she didn't buy it either.
***Harold grows further frustrated with Levy’s act, and again starts talking loudly to the other man sitting at his table.***
“I’m sorry I bought this ticket. This guy is terrible. His jokes aren’t even funny. Does this club pay him to perform here? I thought this club was the best Wisconsin had to offer.”
<font color=white]***Cash Levy again notices Harold and tensions begin to rise between Levy, Harold, and the annoyed man who just wants to watch the show. Finally Levy makes a comment.***
“Sir, if you could be quiet everyone else is trying to enjoy the show.”
***Harold laughs for the first time tonight. He then replies with a smart ass grin.***
“Why are you about to introduce the next act?”
***Cash Levy looks over at the Security staff who start to make a move towards Harold’s location, but Levy begs them off.***
“It’s okay guys. I’ll just continue. So needless to say me and my girlfriend broke up. Well after a year my now ex-girlfriend called. She's getting married; she called to tell me.
[font color=white>***Cash Levy pauses briefly before continuing. He removes the microphone from it stand and begins to pace the stage as he continues.***
“Yeah, she called. She wanted closure. I said, 'What part of us not talking the last year seemed open to you?'
***The crowd has scattered laughter but for the most part everyone seems to be entertained… except for Harold. Harold cannot help but to continue to voice his displeasure.***
“What he didn’t tell you is that his ex-girlfriend was his mom.”
“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!?”
***The man at the table with Harold blurts out and then stands up from the table knocking his chair over. Everyone in attendance now has their eyes glued on the man and Harold as Levy tries to defuse the situation.***
“It’s okay just let him be.”
***The man throws his fists up like he’s ready to fight and faces Harold.***
“No, it’s not alright. After every joke all night it’s this or it’s that. I’ve had enough!
***Cash Levy nods and the Security make their way towards the man and Harold. But before they can even reach them Harold hauls off and punches the man in the mouth in what looked like it could’ve been one of those terrible 60’s Batman Show punches. The unknown man falls but is caught by Security and they haul the man away. The rest of the crowd starts cheering wildly and Harold raises his arms as if he is a hero coming home from the war or something. He then makes his way onto the stage and takes a bow before taking the microphone from Levy who just looks on shocked.***
“Thank you thank you, you are all too kind. You all probably don’t recognize me but soon I’ll be a household name. My name is “Headliner” Harold Jones and just like on the first edition of Massacre, I will be your main event for the evening. Speaking of OCW and Massacre this week I’ve got this big scary opponent named Ripper Danny B. Except for a few ‘small’ problems. He’s only 5’11” so he completely fails at the ‘big’ part. And he’s about as scary a French poodle at a dog show. So he’s really not big or scary at all. I know I know… you’re all thinking that I’m short so he’s big to me right?
***The crowd murmurs in agreement, as they warm up to Harold.***
“Well it doesn’t matter to me. Because I’m okay with who I am. You know who isn’t okay with who they are? Chameleons, they are always looking to change to fit into their surroundings. Danny B is a chameleon. Just be comfortable with who you are man.
***There are a few chuckles from the crowd, mostly because nobody knows who any of these people are… they just appreciated the chameleon reference.***
“Does anyone here know why you can never find a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?
“It’s because they’re so damn good at it!”
***The loudest laugh of the night is heard as Harold has moved onto material that they can relate too.***
“Speaking of things you never see. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a Magician walk just up ahead of me. I know that isn’t too abnormal right? But then he turned into a Grocery Store.”
***Harold pulls out his cell phone from his pocket and hit’s the rim shot app on his phone which entices even more laughter from the audience.***
“One more before those big mean looking Security Guards figure out I paid that guy off to start a fight to distract them and come get me. Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?”
“Because the Pee is silent”
***Harold hit’s the rim shot button and drops the microphone and sprints from the stage as the two security guards give chase.***
“Lions sleep for 85% of the day, and have sex up to 55 times a day. That’s what we should be shooting for. I would love to get that much sleep.”
***The audience laughs at Levy‘s joke, but Harold is completely unimpressed. Harold leans over to the person sitting next to him at his round table and speaks his displeasure loudly. ***
“That’s lame, nobody could sleep for 20 hours without borderline being in a coma. And having sex 55 times a day… impossible for humans. They would overdose on Viagra just trying.”
***Cash Levy looks at Harold having heard what he said. Levy chooses to ignore it as the unknown male patron sitting next to Harold politely tells him to “shh”. Levy continues on with his show.***
“When my last girlfriend wanted to get a little serious, I had to use the old wild stallion technique to get her back in. I said, 'Baby, I'm like a wild stallion. You try to put a saddle on a wild stallion, he'll run and he'll run and run some more. But if you let a wild stallion run free, hey may come back to the barn.' Yeah, she didn't buy it either.
***Harold grows further frustrated with Levy’s act, and again starts talking loudly to the other man sitting at his table.***
“I’m sorry I bought this ticket. This guy is terrible. His jokes aren’t even funny. Does this club pay him to perform here? I thought this club was the best Wisconsin had to offer.”
<font color=white]***Cash Levy again notices Harold and tensions begin to rise between Levy, Harold, and the annoyed man who just wants to watch the show. Finally Levy makes a comment.***
“Sir, if you could be quiet everyone else is trying to enjoy the show.”
***Harold laughs for the first time tonight. He then replies with a smart ass grin.***
“Why are you about to introduce the next act?”
***Cash Levy looks over at the Security staff who start to make a move towards Harold’s location, but Levy begs them off.***
“It’s okay guys. I’ll just continue. So needless to say me and my girlfriend broke up. Well after a year my now ex-girlfriend called. She's getting married; she called to tell me.
[font color=white>***Cash Levy pauses briefly before continuing. He removes the microphone from it stand and begins to pace the stage as he continues.***
“Yeah, she called. She wanted closure. I said, 'What part of us not talking the last year seemed open to you?'
***The crowd has scattered laughter but for the most part everyone seems to be entertained… except for Harold. Harold cannot help but to continue to voice his displeasure.***
“What he didn’t tell you is that his ex-girlfriend was his mom.”
“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!?”
***The man at the table with Harold blurts out and then stands up from the table knocking his chair over. Everyone in attendance now has their eyes glued on the man and Harold as Levy tries to defuse the situation.***
“It’s okay just let him be.”
***The man throws his fists up like he’s ready to fight and faces Harold.***
“No, it’s not alright. After every joke all night it’s this or it’s that. I’ve had enough!
***Cash Levy nods and the Security make their way towards the man and Harold. But before they can even reach them Harold hauls off and punches the man in the mouth in what looked like it could’ve been one of those terrible 60’s Batman Show punches. The unknown man falls but is caught by Security and they haul the man away. The rest of the crowd starts cheering wildly and Harold raises his arms as if he is a hero coming home from the war or something. He then makes his way onto the stage and takes a bow before taking the microphone from Levy who just looks on shocked.***
“Thank you thank you, you are all too kind. You all probably don’t recognize me but soon I’ll be a household name. My name is “Headliner” Harold Jones and just like on the first edition of Massacre, I will be your main event for the evening. Speaking of OCW and Massacre this week I’ve got this big scary opponent named Ripper Danny B. Except for a few ‘small’ problems. He’s only 5’11” so he completely fails at the ‘big’ part. And he’s about as scary a French poodle at a dog show. So he’s really not big or scary at all. I know I know… you’re all thinking that I’m short so he’s big to me right?
***The crowd murmurs in agreement, as they warm up to Harold.***
“Well it doesn’t matter to me. Because I’m okay with who I am. You know who isn’t okay with who they are? Chameleons, they are always looking to change to fit into their surroundings. Danny B is a chameleon. Just be comfortable with who you are man.
***There are a few chuckles from the crowd, mostly because nobody knows who any of these people are… they just appreciated the chameleon reference.***
“Does anyone here know why you can never find a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?
“It’s because they’re so damn good at it!”
***The loudest laugh of the night is heard as Harold has moved onto material that they can relate too.***
“Speaking of things you never see. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a Magician walk just up ahead of me. I know that isn’t too abnormal right? But then he turned into a Grocery Store.”
***Harold pulls out his cell phone from his pocket and hit’s the rim shot app on his phone which entices even more laughter from the audience.***
“One more before those big mean looking Security Guards figure out I paid that guy off to start a fight to distract them and come get me. Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?”
“Because the Pee is silent”
***Harold hit’s the rim shot button and drops the microphone and sprints from the stage as the two security guards give chase.***
