Dean Responds to Alice Knight's Demands

[Marcus Welsh]

~We cut to Dean’s office as Smith re-enters with Alice Knight’s list of demands. Dean is standing over his desk with one of those light’s used to detect blood, semen or other disgusting fluids. He hovers it over his desk, nodding with approval~

President Dean: Excellent cleaning job

Smith: Excuse me, President Dean, sir...I have Miss Knight’s list of demands.

~Dean rips the paper out of Smith’s tiny hands~

President Dean: Can you just call her Alice? Miss Knight sounds so...well, not her.

Smith: Yes sir, sorry sir

~Dean reads demand number 1~

President Dean: Smith, remind me, how much does PerZag make, weekly?

~Smith leans forward and whispers in Dean’s ear. Dean lets out a low, angry growl~

President Dean: Fine

~Smith checks off Demand #1~

President Dean: When we’re done here, head over to Little Caesar’s pizza and get three of their generic five dollar large pizzas.

Smith: The wings?

President Dean: The what, sucka?

Smith: Wings, it comes with 15 wings.

~Dean stops and thinks, an idea hits him~

President Dean: Oh, the wing party we had last Friday, are there any left in the break room?

Smith: Twenty-three, I think

President Dean: Fucking precise right there. Bag up fifteen, toss them into a decent looking Styrofoam container, lump them with the Little Caesars pizzas into a brown paper bag and write Party Combo on it, okay?

~Smith checks off Demand #2...Dean moves on to Demand #3, Smith stops him~

Smith: I, umm, have that one covered, sir.

~Dean gives Smith a weird look before eyeing Demand #4~

President Dean: Hand me my boiling hot coffee

~Smith does as requested. Dean ‘accidentally’ spills it all over Demand #4, blurring it beyond recognition~

President Dean: Whoops, looks like we can’t make that one out, let’s move on to Demand #5.

~Dean reads the fifth demand~

President Dean: What the fuck is wrong with this woman

Smith: Well, I mean, they are animals, you can’t very well let them starve.

President Dean: Big cat lover, eh?

Smith: I’m a fan, sure

President Dean: Great, so the unlimited supply of ant and cat food will come out of your salary. Thanks for taking one for the team, Smith. A true company employee...alright, time for Demand #6.

~Dean reads #6~

President Dean: Oh, shit, I just lumped five and six together. Go ahead and check both off.

~Dean moves on to Demand #7~

President Dean: Smith, when we’re done here, walk through the office collecting money from our employees. Say it’s for the Dean Foundation or maybe the sick animal fund...I don’t care, just something they can empathize with. Make sure you get AT LEAST $150 in donations. Of that, turn $100 into a thrift store gift card.

Smith: Alright, what if I get more than $150?

~Smith asks, hopeful he might be able to keep it~

President Dean: Deliver any additional funds to me immediately.

~Smith lowers his head as Dean moves on to Demand #9~

President Dean: Smith

~Smith slowly raises his head, appearing a bit worn down, but still hopeful~

President Dean: Do you have the keys to your furnished apartment handy?

~Smith hands Dean his keys. Dean rips the ‘Smith’ name from the key chain and replaces it with Alice Knight~

President Dean: Give these to Alice, tell her it’s the keys to her new home.

Smith: But where am I supposed to live?

President Dean: Damnit, Smith! Stay focused! Put a check mark next to Demand #9.

~Dean places his index finger next to Demand #9, showing Smith where to place his check mark. Smith does as ordered. Dean spots the final demand and lets out a sigh of frustration. He turns around and looks at the wall behind his desk. He hits a button underneath the desk top, causing the wall to raise. Underneath it is a glass window, allowing Dean an opportunity to look at Alice Knight, who remains in the interrogation room. Smith walks up next to Dean~

Smith: Sooo...JFK assassination or gummy worms?

~Alice begins sniffing her crayons~

President Dean: Gummy worms...but only the green ones.

Smith: You got it.

~Smith checks the final item off the list. He moves to deliver all the items to Alice, Dean stops him~

President Dean: And inform Alice she’s in the Paradigm Championship Match...that’s my one, lone demand...which, surprisingly, is the only sane demand in this entire process.

Smith: Great idea, boss! Now, about my new place...

President Dean: I don’t have time to chit chat, Smith! We’ve got work to do...no, hurry on and get her signed!

~Smith rushes off as we fade to black~

[Alice Knight]

We cut to Alice eating a slice of pizza. The wings already thrown in the garbage next to her table.



Alice Knight(mouth full of pizza) Thisgh isgh perfectgh. (swallows) All of this. Look at these gummy worms. All blue!!



Smith- Green.



Alice Knight- Teal?



Smith- Whatever… and you really don’t need THAT much cat food do you?



Alice Knight- No! I don’t. Come on. Haven’t you ever had a cat?



Smith(looks away dramatically)- …once upon a time…



Alice Knight- Well then you know they eat like savages. I kind of have a bitter sweet love hate relationship with them. Sometimes I kick one for a laugh, but what a laugh… but I immediately feel bad for doing so.



Smith- Right… and here’s the keys to my… your apartment. But your RV is ‘really cool’ you should think about staying in that… forever… right?



Alice Knight- DEAN CAME THROUGH ON A HOME!?! No way!?! And yeah, stay in a RV forever. Who am I? Robin Williams in that one movie, RV? We know how that story ends. A few belly laughs, a blooper reel and then killing yourself. No way! I’m moving in right away!



Smith- Well it’s my place, but I guess he really wants you apart of the company again. I guess I could move in with my sisters…



Alice puts her arms around Smith.



Alice Knight- Aww. Don’t worry Smithy-poo. You can stay. We can be roomies! It be fun! Imagine all the shenanigans we will get into. Painting a line in the middle of the apartment. Your side, my side! Putting our names on our food. This banana belongs to Alice. This cucumber belongs to Smith. WHO ATE HALF MY TURNIP! You’ll say. And I’m all like ‘Not me!’ Laugh track. (Alice laughs)



Smith- I guess… we could give it a try…



Alice Knight- That’s the spirit, Smith.



Smith- So you’re going to sign?



Alice Knight- You bet your sweet ass I am. (she slaps him on the behind) Give me that blue pen in your jacket pocket…



Smith- You mean this RED pen? Are you color blind, Alice?



Alice Knight(laughing as she signs the OCW contract)- You’re nuts. You. Are. Nuts. Plus I’ve never even noticed the color of Dean. Not once. But you’re nuts for thinking so! This is going to be exactly like Mork and Mindy. Which one of us will kill their self first? Laugh track. Too funny. Wanna slice?



Smith depressing holds up the contract.



Smith- No thanks. I’m going to rush this back to President Dean. Nice to have you on board Alice.



Alice Knight. Totes. I’ll be waiting in the RV when you’re ready to head… home. Kay roomie?



Smith puts his head down in disappointment and slowly walks out of the room.