Post by WilsonTheVolleyball on Feb 23, 2015 16:10:17 GMT -5
"Hey what's up guys? Ricky Valdez here!"
"Randy Valdez too!"
"And this is the most grammatically incorrect wrestling webshow around."
"Hey Ricky, you seen the numbers this thing is pulling in? It's getting a bit ridiculous."
"Yep. Either you guys have really bad taste or you're just trolling us, and neither one is a very good thing."
Randy nods in agreement.
Ricky and Randy are sitting comfortably on the couch in their apartment living room. Gone are the food items of shows passed. Instead there's luggage all over the place. Ricky and Randy are both wearing oversized sunglasses, big straw hats, and awful striped pattern shirts. They look like your typical nonsensical tourists.
"I thought you said nobody clicks the music Randy?"
"No one does, but I still wanted to pick the song this time around."
"Hey I know this tune!"
"Of course you do! This is one of the most popular music pieces of our time and is a gem when it comes to all things pop culture. This is the Soul Bossa Nova composed by the great jazz musician Quincy Jones. Most people would immediately recognize the very first track of this great album from Austin Powers. A few of our friends over in Europe are aware of this tune because it was also the intro to Alan Fluff's popular radio show. It's even been highlighted in Canadian hip hop. Not even Eddie Murphy can say that much! He jelly?"
"Whoa! Looks like someone is trying to be cultured here. Good job."
"Thanks! Now what people have probably never realized though is that this song is of the Bossa Nova style of music, which is a distinctly South American form of jazz whose origins base in Brazil. As you guys at home can probably see from our attire, we're about to head to the airport in a few moments and be on our way to Revenge which will come to you from Brazil."
"If you haven't ordered the show yet, make sure you do that! It's all going down live this Sunday! Randy and myself will be competing against ItsuPuma in a Climb the Rope Match for the right to become the next OCW tag team champions."
"That's right. And there's a good chance when we arrive at the airport in Brazil that this famous tune might be playing. Ideally by an actual band of warriors and foreign ministers... but probably not... Anyways, I figured this would be a great time to put this song in its proper Latin American context because for pretty much its entire existence it has been anything but Latin. I shot President Dean an email to get the Revenge PPV theme song changed to this so it accurately reflects Revenge's location, but I still haven't heard back from him yet. I'M WAITING DEAN."
"Using the power of the show, eh?"
"Hey dude, you haven't noticed the dramatic rise in the use of hookers from the first week of February until now? What was the catalyst to that trend? That's right! Common.Tary mentioning that prostitution was legal in Brazil! Now we got OCW officials and Tennessee barbers sowing their wild oats all over the place."
"Well hey man that's great that you're spotlighting the Soul Bossa Nova. Believe me when it comes to the mistaken use of music, I'm all about the Latinization of this particular song. There's just one problem with your mission statement Randy."
"What's that?"
"Quincy Jones was born in Chicago."
Randy's eyes widen.
"Alright so we got a fun show planned for you here."
"On paper anyways."
"And with our OCW roster done with their promo obligations, it's time to do what most folks do in the time between promos and the actual show..."
"Threaten to quit?"
"No! We're going to do predictions."
"Ooooh!"
"We obviously don't have time to do the entire card though because we have a flight to catch, so we just decided to pick three matches that interest us particularly."
"Right and to make sure this segment at least attempts to keep your interest, we made sure to not pick our match since it's pretty clear Awe.Some is coming out of Revenge as the new OCW tag team champions."
"Or Twinsies Champions!"
"Or Gemini Champions!"
"Or basically whatever we decide to name the belts. But that decision comes after this week. For now, we're focused on trying to decide what's going to happen in some of the other matches. Randy, you got a match you want to dial in on?"
"Yeah, let's talk about PerZag versus Danny B for the Savage Championship. This match is going to be contested under House of Mirrors rules, which basically means... uhh... there's going to be a lot of shit going on. Now if you recall we had PerZag on our show last time to talk about the match and he was pretty vocal about wanting to get his hands on some form of barbwire weaponry. You can bet President Dean made note of that when choosing which weapons to put into play for this match."
"Meanwhile Danny B has been dropping his own promos as well as talking some occasional smack talk on his own... Rrrrrrrrrrrippacastah! Between the dog barking in the background and him adjusting his microphone, he mentioned that he looks forward to beating our butts in a handicap match."
"..."
Ricky and Randy shrug.
"Now in order to ensure we use nothing but the most logical reasoning to pick a winner for this match, I have elected to rely on technology."
"Makes sense."
"Totally. Basically I'm punching their names into Google and clicking the 'I'm feeling lucky' icon. Whoever brings up the most relevant result to them, OCW, or wrestling in general will win this match. You see? Technology!"
Ricky places his laptop on his lap (hah!) and begins to type away. We get a shot of the screen.
"So let's see... PerZag yields us..."
"His twitter! How good for him! Danny B is going to have to do some serious voodoo magic in order to combat that."
Ricky is typing again.
"And Danny B gives us..."
"David Baranowski! Hey that's pretty cool! This website, owned by David Baranowski as you might've imagined, hosts a variety of neat independent video game music. There's some seriously neat tracks on this site. I know I'm particularly a fan of the GLORG music. Steambirds is also pretty friggin' epic."
"As epic as it is Randy, it unfortunately has little to do with OCW. Therefore, Awe.Some predicts the winner of this match will be...
PerZag!
"Alright so our second match of choice is the Ascension Title Match between Ashe Dawson and The Lost Soul in a Three Stages of Escalation Match."
"Really looking forward to this one Ricky, especially after Ashe beat you at a house show a few weeks back."
"Hey!"
"And I think the best way to pick the winner in this match is to go with mascots because those are the opposite of science."
"Mascots?..."
"Yeah. Mascots. Everybody loves mascots. Check this out for example."
"That's the Toronto Raptor's mascot! That dude's always getting involved in a bunch of wacky hijinks!"
"Creepy. Okay, so what are we doing here?"
"I say we have two mascots compete in a dance off with each mascot representing a respective wrestler in this match."
"Yeah that's totally the opposite of what I was trying to do."
"Sure is! So if I had to guess what kind of mascot Ashe Dawson would be, I'd say he'd be a dinosaur. Think about it: they're always super serious about roaming the Earth and stuff like that. Meanwhile, The Lost Soul would probably be a chicken because uhhh.... the other mascot in this clip I found is a chicken so that's what we're gonna go with."
"Alright. I can't argue with any of this. Or to put it more correctly, I won't argue with any of this because I want to get this over with as quickly as possible. So here we go with a dance off between The Lost Soul as a chicken... and Ashe Dawson... as a dinosaur."
Ricky buries his head in his hands.
"So Awe.Some's prediction is!-"
Ashe Dawson!
"Alright now let's move to the last match we'll thankfully cover, and that of course all the craziness that is going on with the OCW World Heavyweight Championship. So what's happening is at some point during Revenge, we're going to have 'Lopaka' Bob Grenier versus 'The Confederate Icon' Chad Vargas. The winner of that match will go on to face Mack O'Connor that very same night in the Revenge main event for the top prize in OCW."
"Should be a good one no matter who O'Connor faces."
"In an ideal world we'd actually predict the winner of Grenier and Vargas, then predict between that wrestler and O'Connor. But we're not going to do that because I hate this segment already and want to get it over with. So no, we're not doing mascots."
"Awww...."
Randy is disappointed.
"People always say these things are popularity contest so let's just see who the most popular guy is. We went to Google Trends and entered in all three of their names. Whoever is the most popular according to the number of web searches is the person who will walk about of Revenge as the OCW World Heavyweight Champion."
Ricky types.
"And the results are..."
"Wow..."
"Not even close Randy. According to this search comparison result, Bob Grenier and Chad Vargas were neck in neck in terms of popularity in 2010, but since then it's been Bob Grenier who all the housewives have been searching for. Pretty interesting to see O'Connor hasn't even made a blip on the Internet. So based on these numbers, Awe.Some predicts the winner will be..."
BOB GRENIER!
"I'm sure Mack's street cred will take a major hit here."
"Hey let's put the Maple Syrup Championship on the line here. If most of these predictions come true, you retain. If most of them are wrong, I get the belt back."
"Deal."
Brief silence between the two.
"Jeez. This is the worst segment we've ever done, isn't it?"
Ricky nods yes.
And now! It's time!
It's time!
To take your efedding to a whole new level!
"Whoa what's happening?"
Are you looking to take your character to the next level?
Do you have a huge title match coming up that you absolutely must win?
Absolutely must win?
Then you've come to the right place!
It's time to talk to one of efedding's biggest legends!
Ricky Valdez!
Ricky Valdez!
He's been efedding since the typewriter feds!
He's got more belts than you can even comprehend!
And he's here to give you all the tools you need to
WIN!
YOUR!
MATCH!
And now! Here he is with your efedding tip of the week!
Here's Ricky Valdez!
Ricky Valdez!
"Deadline."
This was Ricky Valdez with your efedding tip of the week!
Are you trying to defend your title against a horde of challengers?
Trying to break through your glass ceiling?
Then you've come to the right place!
Because you're getting one of a kind advice from a legend in this game!
Ricky Valdez!
Ricky Valdez!
He's not just in your efed's Hall of Fame-
HE'S IN THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE!
Join us again sometime in the future for more efedding tips!
And you too will never lose again!
Ricky Valdez!
Ricky Valdez!
"What the hell just happened?"
"Alright folks so Ricky and I thought this would be a good opportunity to warn you guys about bad wrestling products."
"That's right Randy. We've all seen those useless wristbands or those really bad rub on tattoos that you wouldn't be caught dead wearing in public. But there are some items out there that are far worse than that if you can believe it. Now we all love our wrestling T-shirts. I'll bust out a vintage wrestling shirt from time to time mostly for the nostalgia factor. And hey, every now and then you get someone who give you a high five! But I doubt you'll get much positive reception if you go out in public wearing a shirt with this on it.."
"Holy moley!"
"Now look Rick, I'm all about wrestling shirts that don't exactly resemble wrestling shirts. After all, some people just can't get over the negative stigma of professional wrestling. So it makes sense to wear a shirt that both shows off your wrestling fandom while potentially passing off as just another t-shirt to the common eye."
"I don't think anyone is going to be a fan of that bar & grill though."
"Probably not. At the very least you'll be raised eyebrows and maybe a phone number..."
"Now for those of us who want the world to see our wrestling pride, we tend to go towards shirts that show off the actual wrestler. Usually this is some variation of the wrestler posing or possibly driving a hot rod. But I gotta tell ya not even I wouldn't muster up the courage to wear this outside of laundry day in the apartment."
"Holy moley!"
"Seriously. Who in the merchandise department gave this the A-Okay?"
"I'll be honest if I were that wrestler I'd wear that shirt every damn day with pride. He looks pretty proud to me."
"Now after you take that thing off you'll likely be feeling pretty dirty and perhaps even a bit vulnerable. So why not wash all that away with soap? But not just any old soap will do, you say? You're right! How about some soap with decals of your favorite wrestlers on them?"
"Just what I was looking for!"
"That's right. Now you can scrub the private areas of your body with the faces of the same guys who probably sweat more than they eat."
"Boooo! Such a bad line!"
"So be aware wrestling fans, because there are some terrible products out there. And we do this not just for us, but for everyone who values their hard earned money. We don't want to see you become a victim of wrestling buyer's remorse."
"Well hey man this edition of Common.Tary is brought to you by OCW's newest hair gel. It's called... Umm..."
Randy looks at Ricky for some assistance. Ricky sloppily draws a tilde symbol in the air with his fingers: ~
"Yeah! That!"
"When it comes to getting prepared for the fight of your life, don't just look good. Look Awe.Some. You can order it exclusively from Online Championship Wrestling.com. Enter the promo code 'Awe.Some' and receive free shipping. Randy are you excited for Revenge as I am?"
"Hell yeah! It's going down this weekend from Brazil. Awe.Some versus ItsuPuma, Dawson versus Lost Soul, a big time Hall of Fame match between Lurrr and Big Bifford, and we can't forget about that Oh Shit! contract match."
"That should be a good one! In fact the whole show looks promising from top to bottom! So with that, thanks for making it this far into our show. As always, you can follow Awe.Some on twitter @awesomerachelv. We do these shows when we feel like it and sometimes we feel like doing these shows."
"We leave you with the official theme of Revenge "Can't Kill Us" by the Glitch Mob. See you all at Revenge!"
Ricky and Randy reach for their suitcases as the show ends.