Common.Tary

[WilsonTheVolleyball]

OOC: Ricky Valdez = white

Randy Valdez = Yellow

It'll catch on soon enough.... Hopefully.

-----

"Hey, what's up guys? Ricky Valdez here!"

"Randy Valdez too!"

"And things are a-poppin'!"

"They sure are Ricky. Should I break the news to the world, or should you?"

"Nah man I got this."

"Good because I got this."

Randy reaches for a slice of pizza. Ricky and Randy are both sitting on the couch in their living room apartment. It's generally pretty tidy, except for the coffee table which has been taken over by a few pizza boxes and empty cans of Coca-Cola. There's also a laptop on the table facing the Valdez brothers. Randy goes back to chewing on his pizza.

"Sounds good. Okay so first order of business. Welcome to Common.Tary with Awe.Some, which is easily the most entertaining and grammatically incorrectly webcast around!"

"It's also not excluseive to our new home. I'm Ricky Valdez as I just said no less than five seconds ago. That's my older brother Randy. And we're here to party! Let's get some background music (click me) going on!"

Randy just nods and chews

"This is practically royalty free music at this point, Randy! Come on. Hands in the air! Like you just don't care!"

Ricky and Randy are swaying side to side with hands in the air. Randy still chewing on pizza.

"And although you can't see her at the moment, our sister Rachel edits and produces this show for all you guys to enjoy! She'll jump in from time to time, but it'll largely just be when we need to jump to another segment or if we mess up and need a second take. It'll be pretty obvious when that happens as your computer will temporarily buffer whilst we scramble. Ideally that shouldn't happen too often. We are however still trying to learn the ins and outs of what we can say on OCW's website so we're just apologizing now if we totally fuck up-"

"Okay, so I was told we probably shouldn't push our language until we get some kind of memo from the boss man."

"Alright, so as was alluded to before I broke away from the script because pizza > news, Awe.Some is stepping back into the ring! We have admittedly struggled to find some work as of late, but some of that isn't helped by the fact that no wrestling promotion out there seems to want to establish itself as something truly different. We had a brief period in which we were up north for a bit and while that promotion folded faster than Quebec's efforts for secession, I did get this sweet Maple Syrup Championship Belt out of the deal!"

Randy reaches behind the soda, then pulls out a pretty generic title. The belt most notably features a large gold-plated maple syrup bottle. Randy leans back, proud of himself.

"No lie. That is a pretty awesome belt. But we were about to give up our efforts in searching for a new home when Rachel brought OCW to our attention."

"Outlaw Championship Wrestling?"

"Wrestlers from Texas? Who in hell would think that's an original idea?"

"..."

Ricky and Randy both look at the camera.

"No, we recently inked deals with the other OCW: Online Championship Wrestling. Of course if you're watching this, then you're aware of that."

"Nice pitch, Ricky."

"Hold on now! I have a problem here though. Look at this picture they put up on OCW's homepage:"

"What is THAT about?!"

"Seems fine to me."

"No. Why do you look like you're fresh off a pirate ship after sailing through the Caribbean seas, probably spending weeks making love to beautiful women, while I look like I'm about to hit the drive-thru because I was too lazy to find an actual proper shirt?"

"Hey man, I just provide Rachel with some sample photos she asked for. Whichever one she submits after that is out of my hands. Besides, you really should take better care of yourself."

Randy wipes pizza crumbs from his hands, then reaches for a Dos Equis beer on the table. He opens it, rather loudly, and begins to drink.

"Really?"

Sigh.

"Okay so one of the fun things about OCW is the idea of the wrestlers submitting matches. We know it was one of the main selling points to get us here."

"There's no denying that. Imagining the possibilities we could come up with!"

"Well, thanks to modern technology, we don't have to imagine so much as we can now tell you some ideas we have."

Ricky and Randy both pull out a piece of paper from their pockets. Respectively of course. The sound of paper being unfolded fills the room for a second or two. Words words words.

"So probably one of the better ideas I could come up with in time for this is what I call a Treasure Match. It'll take place on a beach or beach setting."

"Ooooh."

"So the wrestlers all start the match in the ring. The match goes on for a pre-determined period of time. Let's say 10 minutes. For that time, no wrestler can leave the ring. If they are thrown out, they must immediately get back into the ring. Once that ten minutes is up, then wrestlers are free to leave the ring."

"Why on Earth would they want to do that, Ricky?"

"Glad you asked, Randy! You see, across the ringside beach setting they'll be countless tressure chests scattered to and fro. There could be as few as two. There could be as many as ten! Nearly all the chests are empty, but one of the chests will contain whatever belt is on the line. The goal is to find the chest with the belt and then return the belt to the ring. The first person back in the ring with the belt wins the match"

"Hey that works perfectly with my sexy pirate look!"

"Ya know I didn't even consider that..."

"Here's one idea I had! A Merchandise Match. This would work much in the way of a ladder match, only instead of one hook hanging above the ring, it could be two. Each hook has some merchandise item of one of the wrestlers or teams involved."

"Shirts?"

"Hats!"

"Koozies!"

"So in order to win the match, you have the scale the ladder and pull down the item that you are associated with. So if it's Awe.Some versus Jo Shmo, then we'd have to retrieve the Awe.Some shirts. Here's the catch though: the loser of the match has to be seen with the winner's merchandise for the next month. They cannot do anything degrading to the products. They must shamefully wear the merchandise of the victors for an entire month. It could also work as a stand alone stipulation for any match if people aren't down for the ladder stuff."

"Hot damn! Let's hope we don't lose to any women who have their own line of panties. That might be a bit rough."



"Alright folks! It's time for one of our more entertaining segments. Product Fedding or P-Fedding for short."

"For those of you who are not familiar with Common.Tary, this is one of the fun little games Ricky and I like to play."

"Here's how it works. In front of each of us, there's a card with a product on it. We read our card to see which product we have, then have them battle it out for dollar supremacy. Dude you should put your Maple Syrup Championship on the line."

"You mean my prestigious singles title that I risked life and limb for? Sure why not."

"Rachel, take it away."

Ricky and Randy pick up the cards placed before them and silently read what's written on them. We cut to-

"Hi! I'm Rachel Valdez and it's time to P-Fed! Today's match-up is..."

BACONATOR -VERSUS- SON OF BACONATOR

(Ricky)                        (Randy)

Back to Awe.Some.

"It's time for you to step aside old man. Your time has come and long since gone the way of Dave Thomas. This is my time, the Son of Baconator's time to shine. The bacon game has changed. While you do offer an overwhelming amount of beef, you've lost touched with what has made our family great – the bacon. I'm revolutionizing the way bacon is ingested, by making sure you don't feel like a tub of lard by the time you're done with your meal. I actually make sure you have room to enjoy the other things, such as the fries or the Frosty. You? You're just taking up space like the old boring fart you are."

"Watch your mouth, boy. I brought you into this world and I can take you out easier than tossing you into the first trash bin before pulling into traffic. You're hardly revolutionizing anything, squirt. When I came onto the scene years ago, there were news stories wondering if the human heart can handle what I have to offer. I'm one of the baddest bastards in this business. My name has quickly ascended pass the Big Mac and is being hailed as a legit challenger to the Whopper. The fact is that I'm the real deal around here."

"You just admitted that you're known for all the wrong reasons. You make people feel sick just by looking at you. Your price doesn't help either. Why should I have to pay damn near six dollars for just the sandwich? If I want the meal, we're talking close to ten bucks! For that price, I may as well head to the best steakhouse in town. At least they won't skimp on the bacon."

"That's all you got? The bacon? Son, I've been doing this long enough to tell you that the bacon ain't shit. The bacon don't rule me and I damn sure won't let the bacon tell me to take a backseat. At the end of the day, I'm a burger first and foremost; not some BLT from Subway made by some vegetarian liberal arts major."

"You're so blinded by your own arrogance that you can't even see your downfall coming. You act like you're on top of the menu, when in reality you're just #4."

"That's still ahead of you, boy. You think people honestly look at the first three items on the menu? They come for the one, the only, the Baconator. I might be double the age of you, but I'm double the beef. Get out of here with your talk of side items. Nobody eats that shit. I'm still the main attraction around here. You? You'll be lucky if you aren't on the value menu this time next year."

DING DING DING!

"Here is your winner... BACONATOR!"

Ricky fist pumps the air while Randy throws his card on the floor. Randy hands the Maple Syrup Championship to Ricky, who then puts it on his shoulder.

"Alright folks, that's gonna do it for now."

"Our shows probably won't be this long in the future, but we had to get the formalities out of the way. We'll do one of these every so often. We don't promise an exact schedule because, well, we got video games to play. So we just do these whenever we feel compelled too. Plus that gives us an out in case we never do another episode again."

"So that's it for our first OCW edition of Common.Tary, the show so grammatically incorrect it makes grammar nazis scream. We've been told we're going to compete at Revenge next month, but we have no idea how we'll be involved. We'll have to wait and see, but we should know something soon enough."

"Want to be a guest on the show? Hit up Rachel @awesomerachelv"

"See ya!"

[WilsonTheVolleyball]

"Hey what's up everybody? Ricky Valdez here!"

"Randy Valdez too!"

"Welcome to the most grammatically incorrect wrestling webshow around. And if you're actually coming back for more after our last show, then shame on you."

"Have you no dignity?"

"Again with the 80's music, Ricky?"

"Hey man you gotta give it up for this!"

We of course find Ricky and Randy in the typical setting for the show: their apartment living room. There's a few containers of Chinese food and Coca-Cola on the coffee table along with an open laptop facing the Valdez brothers. Ricky has his Maple Syrup Championship slung over his shoulder.

"I'm pretty sure no one clicks the music."

"Well they're missing out if they don't. What your ears are being blessed with is the vocal talents of the one, the only, Eddie Murphy! Known for his barrage of characters and movies, the man was also an aspiring singer."

"And if you are listening to it, then you understand why he was an 'aspiring' singer."

"Voted as the seventh worst song of all time by VH1. Just let it sink in though that there are six other songs that are actually worse. I admittedly lose it every time I hear him say 'diamonds on your finger."

"Who was your favorite Eddie Murphy character anyways?"

"Hmm. Good question. You gotta go with the Saul from Coming to America. Show of hands here: how many of you sitting at home initially had no idea that was Eddie Murphy? And if you're not raising your hand, then you're either a damn liar or a racist!"

"Took me like three times of watching the film to finally realize it."

"What about yourself? Favorite Eddie character?"

"Going with Axel Foley. No contest. Especially in the third movie. I mean who wouldn't love the idea of Axel Foley in a fucking amusement park?! I actually have the WonderWorld song as my ringtone."

"I know. You asked me to call you four times already just so you can hear it."

"It's timeless, buddy. Is Party All The Time your ringtone?"

"No. No it's not. Alright now Randy let's remind everyone that we got a fun guest coming on the show in a few moments. The man who is the Worthiest of All. We're talking about none other than PerZag."

"A-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hehhe!"

"...."

"That was Eddie's laugh."

"...."

"You know. His staple laugh. The one he makes where he's kinda stuttering and struggling to breathe at the end."

"You know how hard that is to decipher on this show? This isn't even the right kind of format for that kind of thing."

Ricky quietly stares at Randy for a few seconds.

"A-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hehhe!"

"So OCW's Revenge is now just a little over three weeks away and the card looks top notch."

"Sure does! And your favorite residential tag team Awe.Some has the honors of battling ItsuPuma in a Climb The Rope match for the opportunity to become the newest tag team champions in OCW. And not only that, but the winner gets the opportunity to name the belts."

"You can check out our first promo here if you haven't seen it yet."

"What I think is interesting about this though is the location. I'm not sure many of our fans or even our roster members realize, but the event is going to be held in Brazil. That's not in the United States, Ricky."

"Good observation Randy. We figured many of you might not be clued in on Brazil other than the fact that's a really big country in South America, so we decided to provide some fun little facts about Revenge's location. For example did you know that a quarter of the world's coffee comes from Brazil?"

"Enlightening stuff there. I'm more interested in the geography, such as the fact that Brazil borders every country in South America with the exception of Chile and Ecuador."

"Okay, so maybe those aren't quite as fun to you as they are to Randy and me. But we should remind you that this is Common.Tary so keep your expectations low."

"Hey now. What about the fact that Brazil is the second largest consumer of cocaine in the world. The only country they're behind? America, baby!"

"That's something OCW's newest signee El Presidente would salute!"

"Check this out too: prostitution is legal in Brazil and is a huge economical driving force in their major city of Rio de Janeiro. I'm willing to bet Smith makes good use of his time down there. Woohoo!"

"Hey man that's not cool. Smith's shown us nothing but love since we've been in OCW."

"And I'm sure Brazil will return the favor. Hey the place might even let Supreme Machine get all that angst out of his system if you catch my drift."

Randy winks.

"Hey speaking of sex and Rio de Janeiro, how about that Brazilian supermodel Roberta Close? Brazil's staple men's magazine Sexy voted her the Most Beautiful Woman in Brazil back in the early 90's."

"Now before all you guys go google her, just be on your guard because she was once the Most Beautiful Man in Brazil."

"Hey man that didn't stop her from posing on the cover of Playboy. She was the first pre-opt transgender to do so. Some guys might be into that. It's all the rage in the hentai scene."

"You might be right about that, but she's post-opt now. This Brazilian model also wrote an autobiography in which she listed her alleged involvements, some of which include famous actors like Robert De Niro and George Clooney. Certainly gives a new meaning to Waiting for Woody. We should note though that this book hasn't been published in the United States due to obvious legal reasons, so it does make you question the claims."

"Want to take a guess who else she listed as allegedly involved with her?"

"Tatum Coe?"

"No. Eddie Murphy."

"Hey maybe this song is about Roberta."

"You see how this all comes full circle?!"

Ricky is typing away on the laptop.

"Working on show prep?"

"Yep. Just getting things set up for our interview with PerZag."

"We doing that project that Hood is all excited about?"

"Sure although when he realizes what we're doing I bet he's going to be super disappointed."

"Did we just pull back the curtain?"

"I believe we did."

  PULLING BACK THE CURTAIN

"That was for you Hood. Wink, wink."

"Alright this should be a real treat for everyone who's still with us. Rachel mentioned to us the other day that she got a lot of DMs on Twitter requesting us to do more one on one interviews with OCW wrestlers."

"She got three to be exact."

"And Awe.Some loves its fans more than anything in the world, so we're here to follow through with your wishes. We had to make a slew of phone calls to get this man to come on the show. He's very busy as you can imagine because he's a perfectionist. He demands perfection which makes me wonder why he agreed to come on here but we're happy he is. He's got a huge bout at OCW's Revenge later this month against Danny B in a House of Mirrors match. We're talking of course at the Worthiest of All and OCW Newcomer of the Year just a year ago, PerZag."

We go split screen with Awe.Some on the left and the Skype feed on the right. The Skype video call starts ringing, and ringing, it rings for a good while until the screen flashes into a darkened room where PerZag is seated in front of a small steel cage. He sits on a hard stone floor, looking at the screen. Ricky and Randy are seen looking at each other before looking back at the screen.

"Uh... Welcome to the show PerZag..."

"Where are you, PerZag?"

PerZag: "Somewhere. In fact, I have no idea. I asked them if I can use a computer for this, and they said 'That's fine because soon you will not want to show your face anywhere.' Like hell if I know what that means."

"Very ominous but I'll try my best to shake off the unease."

"PerZag, Randy Valdez here. Who is your favorite Eddie Murphy character?"

PerZag: "Eddie Murphy has done some great movies. I think my favourite character of his is that one where he plays the voice of an ass, or donkey, and he just never shuts the fuck up. Man, that was a good movie, he just never shut the fuck up. I think the only problem with that movie was that it gave me nightmares for a year. Ogre relationships are frightening."

"Indeed they are! Now later this month you're taking on Danny B in a House of Mirrors Match. Have you ever been to an actual House of Mirrors, like something at the circus for example?"

PerZag: "A circus. Man, we don't really have circus' back in Australia. We have things called fairs or festivals, and then they have stuff like circus' have, but I have never been to a House of Mirrors. It would be boring to just stand there and look at yourself in how ever many mirrors. What would be the point unless you can smash someone into them like I am going to do at Revenge, if I can get out of this place that is."

"You mentioned you guys don't have circuses but have fairs and festivals. What's your favorite festival down there that you attended and why?"

PerZag: "Firstly, I would like to say that our circuses are part of the fairs and festivals which is why we don't call them circuses because it is a part of everything. Now to the question. It is hard to say what is my favorite festival or fair because they are all mostly the same. They are mostly for all those little brats who nag for this and that from their parents. These kids just want and want and want, and if they do not get what they want they whine and whine and whine. They do not shut up. They cry when they don't get their way, and do not stop crying until they do. The kids these days need a good whacking, otherwise they will turn into pathetic little cu..."

Randy Valdez quickly buts in.

"You are getting off track PerZag."

PerZag: "So I am. Sorry, I will get back to it then. The best festival that I went to was one full of nude chicks."

PerZag looks to the right of Ricky & Randy Valdez at Rachel Valdez, whom stares at him.

PerZag: "Sorry, the best festival I went to was in Melbourne, and it was called The Melbourne Show. It had the best rides there."

Rachel rolls her eyes as Randy continues with the interview.

"I'm going to list some items here. Tell me if they are Worthy or Unworthy. Danny B's accent."

PerZag: "Does Danny B have an accent?"

"Yeah, he has a British accent."

PerZag: "Really, I never noticed. Well, then that means it is UNWORTHY."

"Cold Chef Boyardee."

PerZag: "Never heard of it...UNWORTHY!"

Ricky looks at Randy with a blank expression for a few seconds. He then turns his attention back to PerZag

"Actually PerZag here is how the House of Mirrors match works as seen at OCW's Resurrection: A structure with pods is lowered to the ring. Each pod is shielded by a mirror. Behind five of those mirrors is a weapon. Behind the sixth is the championship. The first person to retrieve the title and exit the pod wins. So my question to you is if you could choose all five of the weapons that could be in play for this match, what five would you pick?"

PerZag: "I would choose five extreme weapons that I can use to make this match extreme. A barbed wire bat, a bag full of tacks, a table along with a lighter that is ready to be set on fire, a chair covered with barbed wire, and a crowbar. Five weapons that I can use to hurt someone."

"The man loves his barbwire, that's for sure."

"A completely paid for cellphone that can only make calls and not receive them. Worthy or Unworthy?"

PerZag: "That's a tough one. Can be used to piss people off, but can be a nuisance if someone wants to get in touch with you...I will go with...UNWORTHY!"

"Really Randy? That's what we're going with here with this interview?"

Randy nods.

"PerZag, what does your name mean exactly?"

PerZag: "My name will only be learnt by those that are worthier than I...AND NO ONE IS!"

"Have you come any closer to figuring out who attacked you?"

PerZag: "Hell, no. I have no idea. It could have been Danny, it could have been anyone, but it does not seem that Dean has done anything about it. He has not told me who attacked me, no one has revealed themselves, and nothing else has happened. Dean said ages ago that he would find who did this, and has he found them...NO he hasn't."

"You don't have a clean pair of socks but you do have two completely different individual socks that are clean. Worthy or Unworthy?"

PerZag: "WORTHY since I need a pair of new socks. Do you have any on you?"

"Yeah man. I can spare you a pair."

Ricky throws his hands in the air.

"Damnit Randy. This is supposed to be a legitimate interview. This is PerZag for shit's sake! Do you have any idea how hard it was to even get him to come on this show? And you're wasting his time asking about eating food straight out of the can?"

Ricky once again stares blankly at Randy.

"Hey PerZag, a winning lottery ticket good for two dollars."

PerZag: "WORTHY...I need the money."

"Fine. I give up here. You guys want more tomfoolerly then let's just do some tomfoolery. Rachel, take it away."

"Hi guys! Rachel Valdez here and it's time to play..."

What's going on here?

"Alright PerZag, here's how the game works. We're going to show you some pictures of various OCW wrestlers and we want you to tell us what's going on in the photo. You ready? Here's OCW's residential weirdo guy Mark Storm. What's going on here?"

PerZag: "Mark Storm and Mr. Panda Man had hit on each other all night, so they decided to go into a photo room to jerk each other off, but took a photo first."

"Damn!"

"Here's possibly the most serious guy in wrestling today: Ashe Dawson. What's going on here PerZag?"

PerZag: "Ashe Dawson used to have a pet lobster that he was in love with, and took with him everywhere. One day the lobster was cooked up by a fuck head who had opened up a seafood restaurant next door, and Ashe Dawson has been wearing that hat, every year, as a reminder of his first love."

"Damn!"

"Everyone's neighborhood racist: Chad Vargas. What's going on here?"

PerZag: "Chad Vargas loves NASCAR. Loves it more than life itself, but then it got changed to Fox. When it got changed to Fox, it was made into the smart man's sport, and of course Chad Vargas is a dumbass, and could not understand it anymore. He made a petition to get NASCAR off of Fox, and make it for dumb asses only."

"Danny B, your opponent at Revenge."

PerZag: "Danny B had just lost a game of table tennis to an old homeless man whom made a deal with Danny that if he won, he would get his suit, ten thousand dollars, and he will get to sleep with Danny."

"So much sex going on in here."

"And lastly PerZag... yourself. What the hell is going on here PerZag?!"

PerZag: "It is my last bowl of the game, and I had gotten all strikes. I am going for my final strike to get a perfect game to prove that I am the Worthiest of All."

"Makes sense. You are essentially telling the crowd to shut up."

"He wants them to appreciate the greatness, Ricky. Well thank you for your time on the show PerZag."

PerZag: "No problem. Now is there any possibility that you can get me out of this place."

PerZag is seen being pushed back into the cage behind him.

"Sorry, but we are out of time."

PerZag pleads and screams on the screen.

PerZag: "Well, once I get out of here, you better have my payment."

"And that is all the time we have! Goodbye!"

The feed abruptly cuts off and we return to Ricky and Randy.

"Boy that sure was interesting!"

"Sure was! I hope he gets out in time for his match... wherever he is."

"That was PerZag, the Worthiest of All. You can follow him on twitter @perzag. You can follow Rachel and Awe.Some on twitter @awesomerachelv."

"And as usual, we do these shows when we can. So until then, see ya!"

"Later!"